Fic: What Lies Behind a Pretty Smile (Chapter 4)
Title: What Lies Behind a Pretty Smile (Chapter 4)
Author: Stef (io_amore_voi)
Pairings: Jensen/Jared, Past Jensen/OMC/ Past Jared OMC
Summary: Jensen finally found the perfect guy. He's gorgeous, smart, funny, romantic...more than Jensen could possibly dream. Still, he can't shake the feeling that he met Jared somewhere before, and, for reasons he can't explain, he finds himself fearing the man. He chalks it up to his own paranoia and dark past. Besides, as they say, what you don't know won't hurt you, right? Wrong.
Rating (of this chapter): R
Warnings (for all parts):Gangs, near kidnap with the use of chloroform, sexual abuse (not childhood), domestic violence
Disclaimer: I do not know or own Jensen or Jared. Everyone and everything else is made up. This story is entirely fictional and I earn nothing for it.
Past chapters
Jensen woke up to the sound of his phone going off, playing Jared’s personalized ringtone. Eyes flying open, he sat up quickly, snatching the device from his night stand. It was just a text, reading, Lunch at Frankie’s Cafe at 12:30?
Smiling, Jensen sent a quick, Sounds good, and laid back down, only to shoot right back up again when he saw that it was already almost noon. He hadn’t slept in that late since his teenage years! Of course, he and Jared had stayed on the phone talking until almost five in the morning, despite the fact that Jared’s fist class started at ten.
It had been over a month since their first date, and things were going great. The farthest they had gotten was holding hands, and, sometimes, Jensen felt bad about that, but Jared seemed fine with it. They still knew virtually nothing about each other, but they knew they loved spending time together. There had been a couple times where Jensen almost bared his soul and told the other man all about his past life, but he knew it would probably change the way he looked at him. Jensen was ashamed he was ever stupid enough to agree to spend his life with someone like Aidan.
Brandon didn’t know everything, but he knew enough, and he felt sorry for Jensen, which he didn’t understand. No one had forced him to stay with a guy who used and abused him. It was his choice to subject himself to a life of pain-physical and emotional. Eventually, he grew a brain and ran, but not before he was scarred for good. It could be worse. He needed therapy once a month and Xanax almost daily, but, for the most part, he was a functional human being. He at least had Jared fooled. Of course, around Jared, he felt normal most of the time. There were a few times when something about the guy still made him uneasy; hell, sometimes even petrified him, but he was at least rational enough to realize that it was all in his head. Jared had done nothing to hurt him so far, and didn’t give any indication that he ever would.
That morning, though, Jensen felt no fear, just excitement at the unexpected lunch date. He ran to the bathroom, jumped in the shower, washed up, got out, threw some clothes on, fed Rocky and left.
He made it to the restaurant just before 12:30, but still beat Jared by ten minutes.
“Hey, I’m so sorry I’m late,” Jared said as he sat in the chair across from Jensen. “My class ran over.”
“It’s okay,” Jensen assured the man, smiling. “How was your morning? Are you exhausted?”
“I’m not too bad, but my morning was pretty long and boring. That’s typical for school, though. How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re off tonight, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Wanna come over when I get off school? It feels like I hardly ever get to see you anymore.”
“I know. I can come over, or we can go to game night at Michelle and Brandon’s. It’s up to you.”
That was exactly what Jared was hoping Jensen would say. The two had gone over a couple more Thursdays since that first one, but Dustin, who had gotten a promotion at wherever he worked, had begun to work Thursday nights. Last week, Michelle had assured Jensen that he would be there next time and would love to see him. Jensen hadn’t made a commitment one way or the other, but Jared kept trying to drop subtle hints about going. If Dustin was the Dustin, his ex, he didn’t really want to see him, but he needed to know and, if it was him, he needed to protect Jensen. He didn’t care if he had to kill his ex.
“Oh, yeah, we can go to game night,” Jared agreed, trying to not let the anxiety show on his face.
“Are you sure? Cuz I don’t mind just going to your place.”
“No, game night is fine.”
Jared smiled and Jensen smiled back.
“Okay. I’ll pick you up at six.”
“I feel bad that you always drive.”
“I don’t mind, honest.”
“Well…okay…”
The two ordered their food, then chit-chatted about the usual, light-hearted nonsense. Once they’d finished eating and paid, they stood to go their separate ways; Jensen home and Jared back to school, when the taller man announced that he was going to play hooky for the rest of the day and asked Jensen if he wanted to walk around town with him. He agreed.
“You know, I’ve been living here for over a year and I’ve only seen a couple parts of the city,” Jensen commented as he and Jared strolled down the sidewalk, hand-in-hand, taking in the sights.
“Where are you from?” Jared asked.
“New York.”
“How was that?”
“It was alright,” Jensen said with a shrug. “I liked the place enough, but I wanted a fresh start.”
“Nothing wrong with that.”
“I dunno. Sometimes I feel like I was just trying to run away from my problems.”
Suddenly, Jensen tensed.
“Sorry.”
“For what?”
“Rambling.”
“You’re not rambling. You can talk to me about anything.”
Jensen kind of smiled, but still looked uncomfortable.
“Trust me,” Jared continued. “I have no room to judge.”
Jensen looked up at Jared, curious, but not wanting to ask, so, with a little laugh, Jared said, “Seriously…look at my ex and you’ll see some of the really bad choices I’ve made. Ew.”
Jensen laughed too, relaxing again, a little.
“I think everyone has that one ex they wish they’d never dated.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. It’s just that, besides you, he’s the only person I’ve ever been with.”
“Really?”
“Mhm.”
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve only seriously dated one other guy too, and I’m sure he wasn’t any better than yours.”
Jensen almost panicked, realizing what he’d just said, but he hadn’t really given anything away. Besides, Jared felt so warm, comforting and protective beside him. Maybe he wouldn’t run when he found out about the idiot Jensen used to be.
No, better not to take the chance. Jensen changed the subject.
“I’m hungry.”
“Seriously?!” Jared laughed.
“Yep. I want ice cream.”
“Well, you’re in luck,” the other guy said as he spotted an ice cream parlor across the street.
“Yay!” Jensen exclaimed, looking both ways before darting towards it. Jared laughed again and followed.
“Do you want anything?” Jensen laughed as they entered.
“No, thanks. Some of us don’t have a metabolism the speed of light.”
“Nah. I’m just a pro at gluttony.”
“Ah, I see.”
Truthfully, Jensen didn’t want the ice cream at all. He just figured that eating was a good way to shut himself up.
“Is it yummy?” Jared asked as they took a seat at one of the outside tables and Jensen began licking his cone.
“Uh-huh. Want a lick?”
“Uuuum…sure.”
Jensen held the treat towards the man, who put one hand over Jensen’s to hold the cone steady as he leaned over to take a lick. Jensen watched his tongue move, arousal growing. He almost swore Jared was licking the cone in slow motion, purposely teasing him.
“It is good,” he agreed once he’d taken his share and sat back in his chair.
“Mhm…you know what? I’ve decided I’m full. You can have it if you want.”
“No, I don’t want it. It’s just good.”
“Hm. Okay then.”
Jared watched, confused, as Jensen stood, threw his cone in the nearest trashcan and began walking down the street again.
“Jensen,” Jared called, standing as well and hurrying to catch up with the other man. “Hey, I thought you wanted that.”
“I did too. I was wrong.”
Jensen’s hands were in his pockets and he refused to make eye contact with Jared, making sure to keep walking just a little faster so he wouldn’t be side-by-side with the other man. Jared frowned.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Jensen,” Jared said, laying a hand on his shoulder and causing him to jump about a foot in the air as he turned to face Jared, eyes wide. “What’s wrong?” Jared pressed.
“Nothing!” he insisted, backing up ever so slightly.
“You’re lying.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal,” Jensen said, walking in the opposite direction of where he had been.
“What did I do?” Jared persisted, trailing after him.
“You didn’t do anything!”
“Jensen, please!”
The shorter man stopped abruptly, turning around and almost making Jared run right into him.
“Look, Jared, you didn’t do anything. I can’t really explain, but it’s not you. Okay? Just give me a few. I’ll be fine.”
Jared wanted to keep pressing; find out what was going on with this boyfriend, but it was obvious he didn’t want to talk about it, so he gave in, defeated.
“Okay.”
Jensen turned again and continued his brisk walk while Jared followed slowly behind him.
True to his word, a few minutes later, Jensen slowed his footsteps, letting himself fall behind in order for Jared to catch up with him. When they were next to each other, Jensen slipped his hand back into the other man’s, smiling up at him.
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize,” Jared said, trying to keep his voice normal so Jensen wouldn’t know how much it had affected him. “I just wish you knew that you don’t have to hide things from me.”
“Don’t take it personally. I’m just a private person.”
“I’m not taking it personally, I just…you know what? Never mind.”
“Are we okay?”
Jensen sounded genuinely worried, so Jared gave his hand a little squeeze.
“I’m okay if you’re okay.”
“I’m okay.”
“Good.”
They walked in silence for a couple minutes before Jensen let out a big sigh.
“Okay, do you want to know what just happened?”
“I would love to.”
“You were licking that ice cream cone very sexually.”
That was the last thing Jared had expected to come out of the man’s mouth and he let out a loud laugh before he could stop himself.
“What?!”
“I’m serious!” Jensen exclaimed stopping and crossing his arms. Jared raised an eyebrow, amused.
“I…um…I wasn’t aware. I’m sorry.”
“No you’re not. You’re laughing.”
Jared was still smiling and worked his facial muscles until his face was dead serious, though it was quite a task.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable with my ice cream cone porn.”
“Ugh!” Jensen groaned, turning and beginning to walk away again, but Jared reached out and grabbed his hand, turning him back around.
“Wait, wait, wait. All serious. I am sorry. I really wasn’t trying to…insinuate anything.”
“I know. It’s just…I want to be normal. I want to be able to have a normal relationship with you, but I’ll never be able to because…because I’m stupid. You don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who is going to let you kiss him and love him, and who’s not going to be afraid of you.”
Jared frowned, the last part of that sentence breaking his heart.
“You’re afraid of me?”
“I’m afraid of everyone! I’m fucked up!”
Jensen’s voice was higher, frantic.
“Sh, no, you’re not.”
“Yes I am, and I have no one to blame but myself, which makes it worse!”
“Why don’t we go back to our cars and talk there?” Jared suggested as a couple people glanced over, wondering what was going on.
“No. I’ve said enough.”
With that, Jensen turned and jogged away, leaving Jared standing in the middle of the sidewalk, completely dumbfounded. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there, numb, but eventually, he was able to move his legs again, and headed back to his car slowly.
He’d parked by Jensen, but it wasn’t his Explorer next to his car when he arrived, and Jared sighed, fighting tears. He knew Jensen’s past was dark and had undoubtedly left a mark, but he’d never seen it like that. All he wanted to do was make Jensen happy, but he had to come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t enough. He would never be enough.
Needless to say, Jared was under no impression that Jensen would be coming to pick him up that evening, but, a few minutes before six, there was a knock on his apartment door and when he opened it up, Jensen was standing there, leaning against the door frame, pale and clearly intoxicated.
“Sup?” he asked, stumbling inside.
“Jensen…?” Jared said.
“The one and only!”
“Please tell me you didn’t drive over here like this.”
“Noooo,” Jensen said, voice thick with sarcasm. “I clicked my heels and ended up outside your door.”
“Christ, Jensen,” Jared breathed, heart racing at the thought of what could have happened to him.
“I think instead of going over to Brandon’s, we’ll just chill here, kay?” Jensen asked, retrieving a beer from Jared’s fridge and throwing himself down on the couch in a laying position.
“Yeah, I think that’s best,” Jared muttered, going over to sit next to Jensen, gently lifting the man's head to set it down on his lap.
“I’m sorry I acted like a psycho today,” Jensen said lightly, holding his beer up, offering a drink to Jared, who shook his head.
“I think it’s best I don’t just in case I drink it sexually.”
Jensen cackled, taking another swig of the alcohol himself.
“You’re funny. I love you.”
“Silly boy,” Jared said, lifting Jensen’s hand to his mouth to give it a kiss. “No you don’t.”
Instead of replying, Jensen set the empty beer bottle on the ground and did a backflip off the couch, managing, somehow, not to kill himself in the process.
“I’m bored, Jared. Entertain me.”
“What would you like to do?”
“Anything you want,” Jensen replied, pausing before winking obnoxiously and repeating, “Anything.”
“Oh, no. No, no, no,” Jared said. “You are way too drunk.”
“I’m not drunk,” Jensen argued, standing clumsily and setting himself back down on Jared’s lap, placing his hands very, very close to his crotch. “I’m just a little tipsy…and horny…!”
“Jensen,” Jared groaned, though it turned more into a moan as the man began sucking his neck. “Jensen, no…”
“Pleeeeease, Jared! I want you…I want you so bad.”
Jared wanted desperately to give in. Jensen’s mouth felt so good against his neck and his hands kept moving farther and farther to the middle of his legs. What he wanted most, though, was to respect Jensen and not let them do anything either of them would regret.
“You need to get off me, sweetie, okay?” he urged softly, not wanting to hurt Jensen’s feelings but, at the same time, needing him off of his body right away.
“You’re stronger than me,” Jensen said, kissing Jared’s bicep then. “You can get me off…of you if you really want to.”
Jared could tell Jensen was shocked as he gently, but quickly, moved him off of his lap. He teared up.
“No,” Jared said with horror. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”
“You don’t think I’m sexy!” Jensen concluded, bottom lip sticking out pathetically.
“That’s not it,” Jared tried to assure him. Jensen replied by unbuttoning his shirt and taking it off, along with the accompanying t-shirt. Jared gulped as his eyes took in Jensen’s smooth, toned body, but he shook his head.
“I’m going to get you some water. You need to sober up.”
Surprisingly, Jensen didn’t say anything as Jared stood and made his way to the kitchen, filling a cup with ice cold water.
“Here,” he said as he handed it to the drunk, shirtless man on his couch. Jensen looked reluctant, but took it and chugged it down.
“I’m sleepy,” he whined when the glass was empty. Jared took it from him, setting it down on the ground before re-taking his seat next to the man and scooting him close. Jensen laid his head on Jared’s chest, taking his hand and closing his eyes. With his free hand, Jared grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it around his half-naked boyfriend before placing a kiss on top of his head. He held him until he fell asleep, and then while he slept, eventually drifting off himself.
Jensen woke up with a mild headache and just a little bit of nausea, but he’d expected much worse. He’d gotten completely plastered before going to Jared’s; a necessity to do what he was planning on doing. He felt childish, testing Jared like that, but he’d needed to know what he would do.
When he opened his eyes, he was cuddled up close to Jared, who had fallen asleep himself. Though he had been wasted, Jensen remembered, however foggily, that cuddling was the closest they had gotten, besides when he had forced himself onto Jared to molest his neck. He had been making it easy to take advantage of him, but Jared hadn’t stolen even one single kiss. Jensen was so happy, he could have cried, but his head was protesting that idea, so, instead, he slowly, carefully, moved himself out from under Jared’s arm, put his shirt back on and went to the kitchen, snooping until he found what he needed to make a cup of tea. Looking at the clock on the microwave, Jensen saw that it was just past midnight. There was a good chance that Jared would stay asleep for the rest of the night, but he didn’t want to just leave, not after everything he’d put the guy through. So he sat at the tiny table and drank his tea. He was quiet, but Jared woke up after a few minutes anyway, quickly finding Jensen in the kitchen.
“Hey,” Jensen greeted as sweetly as he could without sounding phony. “I made some tea. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not,” Jared said, taking a seat in front of Jensen. “You look awfully bright-eyed. I figured you’d feel like hell.”
“I’m not too bad.”
“Good.”
“Jared, I wanted to you to know that I’m really, really sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“And also thank you.”
“For what?”
“Not…you know…having sex with me while I was a drunken mess.”
“I don’t want to do anything to hurt you, Jensen.”
Jensen nodded, pausing for a couple seconds before sighing and going on.
“I know you must think I’m crazy by now, and I probably am. I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore, but now, after all that, you deserve the truth. All of it.”
“First off, I don’t think you’re crazy,” Jared said. “Secondly, of course I still want to see you. It’s gonna take a lot more than that to scare me away. Third…I want you to talk to me, but only if you want to. I don’t want you to think you owe me anything, because you don’t.”
That made Jensen debate for a moment, but he quickly made up his mind and continued talking.
“The way I was acting today, here drunk…that’s how I used to act all the time. My life consisted of alcohol and one-night stands. Basically, I was a slut. One night, I drank a little too much and, honestly, took too much E, and blacked out at the bar. It wasn’t like I went to high-class bars, either. Anyway, when I woke up, I was at some random stranger’s house, which wasn’t anything unusual, but it was, because I wasn’t there because I wanted a cheap fling. He said he found me on the bathroom floor in the bar and brought me to his house; said I was too pretty to be lying unconscious in a building of horny perverts. He swore he hadn’t touched me except to put me in his bed, and that he’d stayed on the couch the whole night. I believed him and, right away, I thought I was in love. I was so used to people just getting what they wanted from me and tossing me out. He kept me at his house all day, made me lunch, let me take a long, hot shower, gave me fresh clothes and just…talked. I was a lot different then. I craved attention and I liked talking about my sorry existence. Soon, he knew all about my alcoholic parents who, at twenty-two, I was still living with because they couldn’t take care of themselves. He convinced me to cut my ties with them, which wasn’t hard, and offered to let me room with him, as long as I didn’t mind sharing a bed or sleeping on the sleeper sofa. Of course, I took him up on his offer.
“At first, everything was perfect. He worked. I don’t know where, but, at the time, I was stupid enough to believe it was some important top-secret job, and he let me be a stay-at-home boyfriend. Actually, I didn’t have a choice. He didn’t like me leaving the house. He didn’t like the thought of anyone else’s eyes on me…except for a few of his best friends, but that’s a different story. Anyway, I didn’t like being controlled and eventually stopped putting out for him. Aidan-that was his name-of course didn’t like that, and he got really violent, going off at every little thing I said or did. Still, I stayed.Two years later, Aidan proposed and I was ecstatic. I was still stupid, and thought that meant he wanted things to get better. Nothing did. I got a job, much to his disliking, and stuck around for another year, but things only got worse, so, once I had enough money saved up, I left. I thought once I was away from him, I’d feel better, but I don’t. I mean I didn’t. I’m paranoid, always nervous and I can’t trust anyone. Except I trust you. Most of the time. I’m really trying to work on trusting you all of the time. You haven’t given me a reason not to. But that’s why I get…weird sometimes. And again, I’m sorry.”
“Jensen, you don’t have to apologize,” Jared said, voice soft as he reached across and took Jensen’s hand in his. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that, and I wish I could make it go away.”
“It’s my fault,” Jensen replied with a shrug.
“No, it’s not,” Jared told him. “The only two options you had were equally bad, and you stuck with the one you thought would be the lesser of two evils. It’s not your fault that life gave you shitty cards.”
“I still made some bad decisions that I could have avoided. But there’s nothing I can do about it, right?”
Jared knew that he still didn’t have Jensen’s whole story; Jensen had admitted as much, but the fact that Jensen had trusted him with that much of it made him feel good. Of course, he had already assumed as much, but now that it was confirmed, he was more determined than ever to protect Jensen from his past. He didn’t know exactly what kind of physical abuse Aidan had put the other man through, but he would bet everything he had that Dustin had worse things planned for him if he ever got his hands on him.
Right then, Jared heard a vibration and Jensen reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone.
“Dustin,” he muttered. Jared’s heart pounded painfully.
“So what’s the deal with this Dustin guy?” he asked, trying to keep his tone light, almost joking even. “The way Michelle talks, I think he likes you.”
“He does,” Jensen answered as he typed a quick reply to the guy. “We hung out a couple times outside game night, but…I dunno. There’s something kinda weird about the guy, and not in a good way. Maybe it’s just my paranoia. He’s nice enough, just…creepy.”
“Is he cute?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Jensen said with a laugh. “Not as cute as you, but he’s decent. Wait, I think I have a picture.”
“Good. That way I’ll know whose ass to kick if he keeps being a creeper,” Jared said, still jokingly, though his heart was hammering. He quickly removed his hand from Jensen’s, not wanting him to feel their sudden sweaty clamminess.
“Here, found it,” Jensen announced a minute later, holding out his phone for Jared to take. Trying not to shake, Jared took it from him, swallowing hard before looking at the screen. At once, his breath caught as familiar, cold, gray eyes stared up at him.