i can't pretend like i don't care cuz i really do.
I've got a whole lot on my mind lately.
I honestly have changed so much. I know that a lot of people are going to agree with me also. I don't aim to cut ties with people but everything always changes. Nothing ever stays the same. I need to stop trying to change the unchangable. From June 19, 2004 everything has been different. Friendships were lost and friendships were gained. More lost than gained, but hey, that's what happens. That's what I'm dealing with. There's so much that has happened, it's like everything is a blur.
I used to be inseperable with Kelly. INSEPERABLE. Now, I'm lucky if I see her once a month. I saw her last night for the first time in a long time. It was really awkward, I'm not going to lie. We we're best friends. I don't even know what to call us now. So much has happened between the two of us that we haven't been around each other for the other to know. I went from knowing everything to knowing nothing. But like I said, that's what happens when people, things and situations change. I still and always will love her with everything that I have.
Abbey and I used to be so close also. I was always talking to her or seeing her. Abbey is such an amazing friend, I hate myself for letting us drift as far away from each other as we have. I can honestly say that I don't think that I've carried on a conversation that's lasted more than 5 minutes with her since before New Years. Sad isn't it?
I think that half of this is because I seeked comfort in others when I didn't have Allison around. Allison and I we're best friends since 5th grade. When I moved to Caledonia. 5th Grade. And then, Aaron came along. And for the 10 months that they were together he was her entire world. And, granted towards the end, maybe the last 4 months, I was with them it still wasn't the same. I looked for a best friendship in other people because I wasn't getting it from Allison. When her and Aaron stopped talking everything changed. Allison and I are inseperable again. I'm with her everyday for hours at a time. And, to be completely honest with everyone - I wouldn't have it any other way. I've been so happy. Allison and I really will be together through the end because we've been the only two to have stuck by each other through everything. Fuck everyone in Caledonia who told me that we'd keep in touch. I talk to no one except Allison & Kelley. I was 'popular' if you want to call it that, and I was in with that click and I don't talk to a single one of them now. Not that I give a shit, from the things that I've heard they're all a bunch of fuckin winners anyways.
I remember being 'in the scene' and always being so unhappy. And, now that I'm honestly thinking about it, I can say that those people really are not where I ever should have been in the first place. When I showed up at the Renouf show a few weeks ago I was so uncomfortable. I couldn't help but feel like everyone was staring at me and commenting on the fact that I came back from the dead. Granted, I do and always will love the Renouf boys, it's just not where I need to be.
I'm kinda sketchy about writing the next part because I know that you read this but what the hell. You have impacted my life so much, I doubt that I could even put into words what you have made me feel. There's just something about you. I never knew that I could go from absolutely hating someone to feeling the way that I felt about you. But you showed me that I can, and for the rest of my life I will not forget. I wish that everything that 'happened' between us was a lie though. Because, I'm sure that it would make this situation so much easier. This situation. :( It bothers me that you're leaving, and leaving so soon for that matter. I know that me saying this isn't going to bother you, as a matter of fact you probably are going to stop reading but I don't care. I need to get it out. I cried, I'm not going to lie. The other night when it actually went into a serious conversation, after you signed off I kind of just stared at my computer for a few seconds and I completely lost it. You really are a huge part of me. And, I don't want you to leave because I'm so used to how things are and I don't want them to change, but then I remember that I can't change the unchangable, and if this is what's going to make you happy then do it. All that I want is for you to be happy. I can promise you one thing though, even when you're gone I won't forget & I'll miss you when you're not around. I just hope that you feel the same way.
On a lighter, happier note I suppose - The girls & I move into the apartment 4th of July weekend. Me and Allison are going to be at SPAC for the weekend so it will actually be a little later then the actual move in date, but yeah. I'm stoked. After the Darien Lake show we're having a huge party there so if you're interested in attending let me know. :)
The UNBREAKABLES are awesome. I seriously love my girls. We bought these ridiculous hats and princess beads last night from the dollar general and got completely retarded off jello shots. A whole half gallon of vodka went into 100 cups. Needless to say, I was completely shitfaced after 6 and I passed out at 930. Laugh it up. I was dead. And, I had already smoked three times within the 2 hours so I was double romp. Such good times. Pictures are to follow. Kelley's birthday is coming up so I'm sure things are going to get real ridiculous. :]
Anddd, I'm off to work.