Xanga
Hello all ye who do not read...hah..
It's kinda funny that despite the fact that no one even really reads my other journal, that I would be glad that no one knows this exists. Such may change though, for I now know two Xanga bloggers, though I am already one to say too much, and in this case, I really like one of the two I speak of. So writing could be disastrous. C'est la vie, je suppose. Though as it stands neither of them know my username; gah the internal debate is on. To write or not to write - To reveal or not to reveal. The question is, as well, to what extent may these friends read. Garrr. Weirdness!
Speaking of weird.. These last two days have been unlike any I have seen in quite some time. Although I really have know idea if she is interested as I am in her, I actually have a shred of hope, and hope is something I have been longing for. If I strive for exactness, it has been 1 year, 2 months, 6 days, 21 hours, and 30 minutes since Kristen oh so nonchalantly and seemingly quite uncaringly dumped me. To feel in such a way has brought some life back to my tattered soul, though the balance may be so easily toppled. But enough of that; I can already feel myself trying to say more than is permissible. For I know that I can not attempt guilt; such is not a fair game.
So to the point, shall we? Peut-etre. eh pourquoi pas!? (I guess I am going to write after all, seeing as how I have already begun.) So who are these people I speak of I'm sure you're wondering, though you most likely aren't seeing as how the only two who may read this are the two of whom I speak. Au point! Mia et Sharanya.
I met Mia while playing a lovely game by the name of Four Square. Sure, laugh.. But the game we now play is much different from that which was played back in Elementary School. Anyways, I decided randomly one day that I would talk to Mia outside of the game, so I looked her up on this other wonderful creation called the Facebook. And thus begins a new chapter in the chaos I call my life. Though this, to date, is one of the brighter chapters. But the trend is that as the chapter comes to a close a misfortune shall arise, for that is how this condemned world turns. However, I must stay positive and hopeful that this may be the one segment that ends in happiness. I don't think I have screwed up yet.
I'm sure at this point anyone reading is anxiously awaiting the details of how this chapter has played out so far, so I shall continue.
Mia and I hit things off pretty well, and as such our friendship flourished. There is never a dull moment when spending time with her, from four square to bowling to even helping her with her calculus studying. She quickly became one of those who is more than just a friend; I gained a profound trust and sense of comfort, and as such opened myself up to her, telling her all the interesting, though more personal, stories of my dark past. Now there is an aspect of this which I find now to have been quite misleading, but I shall return to that later. Mia and I carried on our conversations, as I continued my stories. Twenty days after that first conversation with Mia, I finally managed to coerce her into coming to the UF Scrabble Club that Wednesday, February 22, 2006. Along with her that night, she brought two of her friends, Rachel and Sharanya. This first night that I met Sharanya, I saw something in her that I have not seen since the day I first met eyes with Kristen, way back in February of 2003. As far as that night was concerned I just went along with the normal flow of the scrabble club. I played/slaughtered Mia, though it wasn't my intent, and Sharanya and Rachel, seemingly quite bored, played hangman on the blackboard.
Backtracking a little bit, but it is important. In one of my longer conversations with Mia, that which occurred on February 9 at 11:22 PM and ended at 2:30 AM of the 10th, I revealed to her the web address at which I stored my poetry. Though she had read a few of the poems beforehand, Mia finally gave in to the allure of the site and registered on the 19th, so that she could write and comment on poems. Just a few days afterwards, apparently Mia disclosed the wonders of AllPoetry.com to Sharanya, and she too became a member, on February 25. To my surprise, I found that Sharanya and I were quite alike, especially in our writings. That day I logged in to the poetry site, and was alerted of the many new comments that had been written about my poetry by a person using a handle I did not recognise. I figured out that it was Sharanya when I went to her page and saw the Mia had left a message there. It was quite apparent that Sharanya had a liking for those emotions poured forth by poetry, for she rather quickly found out my other username and read and commented on all the poems there as well. Reading Sharanya's poem that day gave me insight of what kinds of things went through her head, revelations backed up by the fact that not long after posting that first poem, she deleted it. My interest in her began to grow, though I understand that reasons may be a bit confusing to those reading.
Now, to that aspect aforementioned regarding Mia and possible misleading, and leading into the main purpose of writing here, the past few days, beginning Tuesday March 7. I had been reading parts of Sharanya's journal, which she made available though AP and Facebook, just to try to learn a little more about her before letting out the fact that I liked her. With each word, each paragraph I read I was captivated. I love words, I love people who use words well, and I love people who can very nicely put their emotions into comprehensible yet complex sentences. That day I woke up around noon to start getting ready for my 3 PM Social Geography class, in which I had a mid-term exam. As is typical when I first wake up, I checked all the spam in my multiple inboxes and looked to see if I had any messages on Myspace or Facebook. Then I got on he bus and went to the Hub for lunch and to study for my test. Earlier, while on the computer, I gave in; I decided that I would go ahead and tell Mia of my interest in Sharanya. So when I sat down with my food and before I began studying I sent Mia a short text message. Eventually, when she got out of class, she called me, but I didn't really tell her anything except that I would explain it all later that night on AIM. So then came the anticipation of what I would tell Mia in regards to Sharanya.
That night Mia and I spoke. During much of the conversation there was no mention of the earlier message. Eventually I just asked her what she thought about the message. She responded that it was unexpected. Now, how does one translate that; this being where I believe there was misleading. I could be very wrong, but I kind of think that Mia would have more expected that I would like her than that I would like Sharanya. I do not deny a liking for Mia, however. It's difficult to explain the difference in feelings. It made me feel a little like I may have led her on though, and I hate that. She is an awesome friend, and is helping me so much with Sharanya.
So yea, Mia and I talked about Sharanya for a bit and I gave her the permission to tell Sharanya. Then the conversation turned to other things. Eventually Mia returned to the previous topic and told me that she had told Sharanya and told me she seemed somewhat interested. Then Mia had to go study for calculus. From her journal, I had already dicovered Sharanya's AIM screenname, and Mia had sent a few snippets of their conversation, so either way I now had her on my messenger.Twelve minutes after Mia left, I gave in, despite the advise that it may not be too great of an idea to talk yet. So there at 1230AM I began what would be a 3 hour conversation with Sharanya, which to say the very least was extremely interesting and a bit confusing to the point it was humorous (if that makes any sense). Anyways, during that conversation I found out that she had a Latin test the next day, so I asked if she needed some help studying, seeing as how Latin was my life in Middle and High School. Unfortunately I have forgotten so much, though if I started looking at it again, it would come back pretty quickly. Anyhow, during the remainder of our conversation, we decided to meet up at 945AM in Turlington so she could study in that hour before her test, and it also allowed me to be awake so that I could study two hours for my test, which I failed anyway. That was the beginning of a rare good day, and a really weird mood, both of which are continuing today, though have to say good week, not day. I was almost embarrassed last night when I was talking to my good friend Chris; I think I scared her with my ecstacy. lol.
Well, now I have been writing for like 4 hours on an entry I didn't even mean to start. Hopefully I didn't say anything too devastating. Its 5:16PM now, and the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus show at Eddie C's starts around 8, so I have to get there at like 7 for parking and to keep from missing out due to a sell out. Mia and Sharanya and supposedly a bunch of their friends are coming. It will be awesome!
Anyways, I think I have written enough for the mo. I bid ye all adieu.
Valete! Aufwiederzehen! Shalom! (and many others!)
~Jeff
Now I Remember Why I Hated Journals...
Well, here it is 4:21AM, and what better than to write. I mean, seeing as how the first all-nighter I will spend this semester happens to also be the first night of spring break, what could be better? Actually I would have no qualms about going to sleep at this point, however I told my dad I was going to work and if I did decide to go to bed, I would not be able to wake up for work. So instead, I have two days I can write about and see what many tangents may be branched into in order to grossly elongate this entry.
I guess the best place to begin is where I left off on Thursday; I last wrote prior to departing for the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus show at Eddie C's. Upon leaving my apartment I realised that I did not have sufficient cash to be going to a show with, so I embarked on a journey to find an ATM in that region of Gainesville, which by the way is difficult to do. Seven o'clock was quickly approaching and after three failed attempts at gas stations I finally just went to Winn Dixie and got some more. I figured $40 would be about enough, considering the cover charges for Mia, Sharanya, Debbie (Mia's cousin), and for myself would be $20. Cash in hand I could finally arrive at my destination, though later than I had said I would be there. My being late though did not matter, for Mia got lost and arrived even later. As is typical, the information I received from Elias was incorrect, and the failure of the the entire band to respond to my messages resulted in our crew arriving two and a half hours early. Elias (an RJA guitarist) originally said the show started at 8, so we planned on being there by 7-730. The first band didn't start until 10:15. When Mia finally got there, I saw that she had also brought John (another four square player), which made the night all the more interesting. When we first entered we had to go ahead and pay our $5 cover charges, at which time without hesitation I gave the guy $20 and said it was for the three ladies. The look of awe on their faces was amazing! John just gave me a funny look, as though to say "So that's how it's going to be." Since we were all there so much before show time we went ahead and shot a few (3) games of pool. I had changed a few dollars into quarters so that we could play, and thus we began, with Sharanya and I together against Mia and John. Well, Sharanya and I lost the first two, and in the middle of the third Rosedale (the first band) started warming up, so we all ran in to see them for like 10 seconds. After that short break, we all went back to the room with the pool tables, and John and I quickly played one game. Needless to say the girls were tired of pool, but the allure of throwing sharp metal darts at a wall was too enticing, so we migrated to the dart boards. After releasing that energy, includingly especially that expended by Sharanya into the darts that stuck halfway into the wood of the walls several feet from the boards, the first band was up. We secured a good spot at the front, despite the fact that no one really cared much to see them play so there were plenty of places at the front to stand. The first band was Rosedale, a group of hardcore guys from Gainesville. They were pretty good. Mia and Sharanya loved it, and John seemingly just tolerated it, as he did most of the time he wasn't in the mosh pit. There was a 15 minute break after Rosedale, while Veronica's Veil from Jacksonville prepared. During the break John made his showing by pumping the juke box up with credits for the songs of the girls' choice. I bought the drinks. Veronica's Veil began, and again we took our places, which we would have to secure for when RJA got on stage, for there would quickly be no spots available at the front. Veronica' Veil was a more hardcore version of Evanescence, I guess, though I did like them. Next came the highlight, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus!. The room burst to life as the band made their way to the stage. We did our best to keep our positions, though people would ever so gently force their way right in front of us. Then it began. The crowds began to shift violently as a mosh pit conveniently opened right behind me. I stood my ground with a hand on Sharanya and the other on Mia, protecting them from the mob continuously pummeling my back. Mia kept trying to fall over apparently. I just hope the constant pressure of my hand didn't leave bruises. lol. John enjoyed himself in the pit, though he'd have been where I was if I wasn't there already. Debbie sat on the fringe, outside of the commotion of the toppling crowds. She seemed to have really enjoyed it. I know Mia loved the show. I kind of wish Sharanya would have liked it more, but what can be said. She has her taste in music, and RJA isn't among the genres she enjoys. Either way she had fun. She and Mia were screaming half the time (or more). After their set, we once more went to get drinks, which this time John took care of. By that point it was past 11:30 and we were all exhausted, plus Sharanya had to get up early to go to class. I ran off to grab some free cd's from RJA (free for me :) ) and we left. We said our goodnights and drove off again into the much less noisesome night, destined for a good night's rest (though followed by soreness). And that was the end of that.
I got back to my place and for some reason stayed up until maybe 4AM watching food network. I do not know why I watch it so much though, because I'm always hungry, and it makes the hunger worse, not to mention the fact that I have nothing really to cook unless I defrost it first. Just a little expression of ignorance I guess.
Anyways, I got up about 9AM on Friday and went to campus to begin my spring break with a full day of four square. Mia showed up around 1PM I believe, though she had said she wasn't going to come. A little later i asked Mia if she wanted to go grab some lunch, so she and I went to Chik Fil-A, and sat and talked for a little while. My friend Tempest (who always calls at the most inopportune times) calls me in the middle of a sentence, and then carries on and on and on. Finally after like 15 minutes I told Tempest that I was trying to each lunch with someone (I didn't really have much chance to speak until she had finished..) so she let me back to my lunch, granted I talk to her later. So Mia and I continued; I was telling her another story. And we, of course, talked a bit about Sharanya. After we were done eating, we returned to the game. John eventually came out, and at one point started walking off with Mia. I asked where they were going and they said they were going across the street for Bubble Tea. I tagged along. And I say it that way because that's what I did and I felt bad about it afterwards. I don't know what John was thinking about when I joined the party, but either way I must apologize to him, it was stupid of me. gah!. Anyway, the drinks were all really good, though Mia wasn't too fond of the Lychee (some tropical fruit) one that I got. Then back to four square; damn we are addicted to that simple game of our distant past. I decided to leave a little earlier, so that I might make it to Jacksonville in time for dinner with my parents. However, despite that intent, when I got to my apartment I started a conversation with Sharanya and ended up leaving later anyway, though also even more reluctantly leaving in the deep of conversation. I could be wrong, but I think she may be starting to trust me a little. She has kept the sarcasm pretty low in our conversations and is answering a few more questions with answers other than I dunno or Nothing. But I could be wrong. Disillusioned by want? eh. She has put up so many barriers, and the realisation that one may be gone may inspire more to be put up. What can I say. I see a lot in her that I like and all I can do is keep trying to talk to her, and see what happens next.
Diverging from the timeline for a moment. Another thing I hate about journals is the fact that when you know certain people are going to read it, you are more inclined to censor what you write that has to do with those people. Which pretty much leaves me at Sharanya's mercy. She won't divulge much in her journal, so the only real way is through conversation. but why am I saying all this?
Anyways, I left for Jacksonville. The drive was pretty unhindered, in contrast to what I thought it would be. However, I still ended up missing dinner by like 10 minutes. My parents stayed in the shopping center, though, and my dad came and bought me dinner and stayed and talked a bit. Then we came home. Mia got online at 10:40 and Sharanya at 11:48 and I talked to each until my parents finally settled down to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which I hadn't seen yet. Again, Sharanya and I had what I think was a good discussion. I keep forgetting to ask her those questions I've held onto the longest; conversation branches make it somewhat difficult to start too many new topics. But yea, as far as the movie was concerned, it was really good. I was a little annoyed by the end, but that's just me. We finished the movie at like 3:50AM.
Well, I have so much more I want to write (branches and side stories), but it is 6:15AM and I think I need to try for the two or three hours I may get to sleep. However, I shall continue later.
Aloha
~Jeff
well yay I found my cd...
See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?
What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?