(no subject)
Here I am, it's 11.44 at night. I just got home from the hospital. I made myself leave his side, in order to come home and get some sleep to prepare myself for another day tomorrow. Here I am doing exactly the opposite and feeling terribly guilty about it.
I still can't believe this day has come. The day where I am old enough to fully comprehend the truth, the sorrow and the tears of family members. My father is dying. My father is dying. My father is dying.
I walked into a room of tears, unaware of anything out of the ordinary. Sure, I had seen this a million times before, but not this bad. My father's legs are so cold, purple and swollen that I cannot even comprehend how they haven't physically exploded. The first thing I said to him was 'Daddy, your legs are really swollen, how come they aren't going down this time?' All I heard was sobbing and I knew that I was about to hear something terrible, god awful. I had just talked to him the night before and he sounded healthy and vibrant. I told him that I was proud of him for staying in the hospital and wanting to get better, and he told me that he 'Was proud of himself, too' and that 'He would stay there untill he was well enough to take care of his babes'. I never expected this.
'It's bad this time. It could be just days, Jenn. His kidney's have failed him and his body is filling with toxins that they have been trying to get rid of. This has now reached a point that is irreversable. Nothing is working and his body is too weak for dialysis.'
Now all we can do is wait. Wait for a miracle that may never happen. Wait for that phone call that may come tonight, tomorrow, next week, month or year.
I go from feeling completely at peace with whatever may come, to feeling like I want to end my life before I have to face the most heartbreaking moment of mine. I have never felt more alone and afraid in my entire life. The only thing stopping me from driving my car into a tree - is my son.
Please hug your parents, let them know how much they mean to you, visit them often& never take living in the same town for granted.
I may lose my father in the next couple of days or weeks. I am trying to stay optimistic but I am done being naive. I am doing my best to prepare myself for the worst as I am hoping for the best. Whatever the outcome, I will always be Daddy's Little Girl.
You're the one person that never let me down. You always let me know that you cared as I was growing up, even if it was just by yelling at me to put my seatbelt on as I drove away with my mother. Sometimes I even drove away with my seatbelt undone just to hear the concern in your voice as you were screaming out the screen door after me. You have never ever put me down or made me feel stupid about the choices I have made while trying to 'find myself'. Your gorgeous blonde haired, blue eyed 'baby girl' dyed her hair every color of the rainbow and you had nothing but unconditional love for me. Sure, you were discouraged at times but you were never hurtful. The day that I had to tell you that I was pregnant, broke my heart, too. You only wanted to the best for me. Turns out, Kaiden was the love of your life. You swore you wouldn't be at the hospital when I delivered him, but you were right by my side every step of the way. You cut Kaiden's cord and he took your middle name. He sure does love his Pappaw.
I want to thank you for all of the times that you were there for me. It's not about money or material things. You gave me all the love that I could have ever needed. You've showed me that not all men are heartless bastards and that father's really DO know best. You gave me a roof over my head when I had nowhere else to turn, undying love when I made stupid life-changing choices. Most importantly - you gave me life. I will always love you and remember all of the memories that we have shared. I will not remember you how I saw you tonight.
It's not over yet.
All I want to do now is crawl into bed with the one little man who will always be a walking reminder of his 'pappaw'. Here's to hoping that tonight will carry on in a positive way
I still can't believe this day has come. The day where I am old enough to fully comprehend the truth, the sorrow and the tears of family members. My father is dying. My father is dying. My father is dying.
I walked into a room of tears, unaware of anything out of the ordinary. Sure, I had seen this a million times before, but not this bad. My father's legs are so cold, purple and swollen that I cannot even comprehend how they haven't physically exploded. The first thing I said to him was 'Daddy, your legs are really swollen, how come they aren't going down this time?' All I heard was sobbing and I knew that I was about to hear something terrible, god awful. I had just talked to him the night before and he sounded healthy and vibrant. I told him that I was proud of him for staying in the hospital and wanting to get better, and he told me that he 'Was proud of himself, too' and that 'He would stay there untill he was well enough to take care of his babes'. I never expected this.
'It's bad this time. It could be just days, Jenn. His kidney's have failed him and his body is filling with toxins that they have been trying to get rid of. This has now reached a point that is irreversable. Nothing is working and his body is too weak for dialysis.'
Now all we can do is wait. Wait for a miracle that may never happen. Wait for that phone call that may come tonight, tomorrow, next week, month or year.
I go from feeling completely at peace with whatever may come, to feeling like I want to end my life before I have to face the most heartbreaking moment of mine. I have never felt more alone and afraid in my entire life. The only thing stopping me from driving my car into a tree - is my son.
Please hug your parents, let them know how much they mean to you, visit them often& never take living in the same town for granted.
I may lose my father in the next couple of days or weeks. I am trying to stay optimistic but I am done being naive. I am doing my best to prepare myself for the worst as I am hoping for the best. Whatever the outcome, I will always be Daddy's Little Girl.
You're the one person that never let me down. You always let me know that you cared as I was growing up, even if it was just by yelling at me to put my seatbelt on as I drove away with my mother. Sometimes I even drove away with my seatbelt undone just to hear the concern in your voice as you were screaming out the screen door after me. You have never ever put me down or made me feel stupid about the choices I have made while trying to 'find myself'. Your gorgeous blonde haired, blue eyed 'baby girl' dyed her hair every color of the rainbow and you had nothing but unconditional love for me. Sure, you were discouraged at times but you were never hurtful. The day that I had to tell you that I was pregnant, broke my heart, too. You only wanted to the best for me. Turns out, Kaiden was the love of your life. You swore you wouldn't be at the hospital when I delivered him, but you were right by my side every step of the way. You cut Kaiden's cord and he took your middle name. He sure does love his Pappaw.
I want to thank you for all of the times that you were there for me. It's not about money or material things. You gave me all the love that I could have ever needed. You've showed me that not all men are heartless bastards and that father's really DO know best. You gave me a roof over my head when I had nowhere else to turn, undying love when I made stupid life-changing choices. Most importantly - you gave me life. I will always love you and remember all of the memories that we have shared. I will not remember you how I saw you tonight.
It's not over yet.
All I want to do now is crawl into bed with the one little man who will always be a walking reminder of his 'pappaw'. Here's to hoping that tonight will carry on in a positive way