Warning: one giant rant. do not read if you don't want to read a rant
on the subject of highschool...
i'm just done. i'm sick of it
even though that's prolly a really crappy thing to say but its true. i'm just done.
i'm done with everything going wrong
i'm done with crap
i'm done with stress and constant pain and just trying to get through everyday
i'm done with feeling isolated and liking it because even though part of me desperately wants to be around my friends another part of me just doesn't want to deal cuz i can't remember how to relax and have fun. it feels ackward. I finally spent some time alone with one of my friends that i used to be incredibly close to. by some time i mean like all of 20 minutes where neither of our other close friends were there. but i didn't know what to say. i didn't how to relax. i felt ackward and out of place just trying to sit there and be like normal friends. how horrible is that. i felt like such a freakin loser. i felt so wrong.
i'm done with basketball. i'm counting down the days til the season is over. how terribe is that. i used to love that sport. i've spent huge amounts of my life for the past 7 years working my ass off to get as good as i could, doing everything i could to play, and now because of all the shit that's happened in my highschool years i can't stand it. I hate it. I dread going to practice everyday, to the games. Everytime i go into the gym i cringe on the inside. hell i cringe when i see my teammates. how nice.
if there were more people on that team, if they didn't need everybody they could get, even if i'm damaged goods and can barely do crap, i would leave that team. but no. i can't. we have eight players who can play not counting me. you can't practice with eight people. and i do what i can until i start coughing because i can't breathe and then i go throw up in a garbage can cuz i'm coughing so hard and i take my inhaler and wait til i can play and meanwhile one of the coaches has to step in for me. And then there's the drills Raf won't even let me attempt so what's the point? oh and the funny thing is, in looking at the stat sheets one game while i was sitting on the bench as usual i found that the coaches had anticipated me being one of the top seven scorers. on the stat sheets where there is only room for seven #s i'm one of the seven. But my name is crossed off of every stat sheet that has been used so far because i haven't been able to play all freakin year. what joy.
i just want to go to college
get out of highschool with all its bad memories
start over again
fresh start
new people
nobody that reminds me of the crap i've dealt with
nobody that knows my past
on my own, as independent as i can get
no expectations weighing me down, no preconcieved ideas of who i should be and how i should be
a fresh start
god how i want it
i'm just done. i'm sick of it
even though that's prolly a really crappy thing to say but its true. i'm just done.
i'm done with everything going wrong
i'm done with crap
i'm done with stress and constant pain and just trying to get through everyday
i'm done with feeling isolated and liking it because even though part of me desperately wants to be around my friends another part of me just doesn't want to deal cuz i can't remember how to relax and have fun. it feels ackward. I finally spent some time alone with one of my friends that i used to be incredibly close to. by some time i mean like all of 20 minutes where neither of our other close friends were there. but i didn't know what to say. i didn't how to relax. i felt ackward and out of place just trying to sit there and be like normal friends. how horrible is that. i felt like such a freakin loser. i felt so wrong.
i'm done with basketball. i'm counting down the days til the season is over. how terribe is that. i used to love that sport. i've spent huge amounts of my life for the past 7 years working my ass off to get as good as i could, doing everything i could to play, and now because of all the shit that's happened in my highschool years i can't stand it. I hate it. I dread going to practice everyday, to the games. Everytime i go into the gym i cringe on the inside. hell i cringe when i see my teammates. how nice.
if there were more people on that team, if they didn't need everybody they could get, even if i'm damaged goods and can barely do crap, i would leave that team. but no. i can't. we have eight players who can play not counting me. you can't practice with eight people. and i do what i can until i start coughing because i can't breathe and then i go throw up in a garbage can cuz i'm coughing so hard and i take my inhaler and wait til i can play and meanwhile one of the coaches has to step in for me. And then there's the drills Raf won't even let me attempt so what's the point? oh and the funny thing is, in looking at the stat sheets one game while i was sitting on the bench as usual i found that the coaches had anticipated me being one of the top seven scorers. on the stat sheets where there is only room for seven #s i'm one of the seven. But my name is crossed off of every stat sheet that has been used so far because i haven't been able to play all freakin year. what joy.
i just want to go to college
get out of highschool with all its bad memories
start over again
fresh start
new people
nobody that reminds me of the crap i've dealt with
nobody that knows my past
on my own, as independent as i can get
no expectations weighing me down, no preconcieved ideas of who i should be and how i should be
a fresh start
god how i want it