(no subject)
Apparently Rob hates me now. Or at the very least thinks I hate him. Not sure what's going on with that. I thought it was resolved, apparently it's not.
On a different note, I'm thinking about moving to NYC. It's something I always wanted to do, in that indie-movie-of-my-life daydream kind of way. My dad never let me even consider doing something like that. No way. I was more in the mindset of "yeah, that'd be cool to be a fashion designer, but I'd have to go to school at some design institution and live in new york city and all that... " It's not something I allowed to consider for myself, for my future plans. Now it feels like everything is falling apart and I can kind of start with a clean slate. It'd take some major work, tho. I have no money saved up. I'd have to find a way to live relatively expense-free for the summer to save money, get another second job (one that pays better), get in touch with Nelle and have her help me find a place to live, a job, etc, since she knows the area better... I hear the cost of living in NYC is really expensive too. I'm not sure any of my dreams are going to happen right now. I don't know. I'm going to call Raeann this weekend, I think. Shit, I have to finish my drawings tomorrow for class on Saturday... shit. And do my thesis for my paper. And redo my bibliography that I'm not even going to use since I've switched my topic. And redo my secondary source which I'm not using either for the same reason. I'm avoiding thinking about the future because it all seems so crappy. Doomed to at least a decade of being broke, cursing gas prices, scrounging to pay my rent and school and car payment and god knows what else... not knowing where to go, what to do, where to fucking START. And then there's the idea of leaving all my friends here. I don't want to. This is some semblance of stability, of security.
I need to stop thinking about all this, it makes me want to cry. I can feel one of my insecure depressions coming on. Fuck. I probably will anyway. Think about it. And cry. Both. Dammit.
On a different note, I'm thinking about moving to NYC. It's something I always wanted to do, in that indie-movie-of-my-life daydream kind of way. My dad never let me even consider doing something like that. No way. I was more in the mindset of "yeah, that'd be cool to be a fashion designer, but I'd have to go to school at some design institution and live in new york city and all that... " It's not something I allowed to consider for myself, for my future plans. Now it feels like everything is falling apart and I can kind of start with a clean slate. It'd take some major work, tho. I have no money saved up. I'd have to find a way to live relatively expense-free for the summer to save money, get another second job (one that pays better), get in touch with Nelle and have her help me find a place to live, a job, etc, since she knows the area better... I hear the cost of living in NYC is really expensive too. I'm not sure any of my dreams are going to happen right now. I don't know. I'm going to call Raeann this weekend, I think. Shit, I have to finish my drawings tomorrow for class on Saturday... shit. And do my thesis for my paper. And redo my bibliography that I'm not even going to use since I've switched my topic. And redo my secondary source which I'm not using either for the same reason. I'm avoiding thinking about the future because it all seems so crappy. Doomed to at least a decade of being broke, cursing gas prices, scrounging to pay my rent and school and car payment and god knows what else... not knowing where to go, what to do, where to fucking START. And then there's the idea of leaving all my friends here. I don't want to. This is some semblance of stability, of security.
I need to stop thinking about all this, it makes me want to cry. I can feel one of my insecure depressions coming on. Fuck. I probably will anyway. Think about it. And cry. Both. Dammit.