(no subject)
this couldn't have come at a worse time.
i don't what to do.
if i should stay with him,
or go my separate way.
he is the only thing i've ever known.
i think that i'm scared that if i do leave him,
i'll never find anything like it again.
i'm afraid i'm going to hurt him beyond repair.
i already have, kind of. i know that.
i feel like everything happens for a reason.
he joined the navy for a reason.
he got stationed in guam for a reason.
maybe it was/is just time for us to part ways.
i don't know.
i know i shouldn't be dreading going to see him in two weeks.
i know i've made some terrible decisions in the past couple weeks.
i know that lately i've been feeling so much more...confident since he's been gone.
for the past three years he has been sort of a crutch for me.
and i know i leaned on him way too hard.
his absence has forced me to stand alone.
and i like it.
i'm doing so much better socially, and personally since he has been gone.
which is very surprising for me.
that is the last thing i ever, ever expected.
....maybe i just answered all my own questiuons,
but there is still a part of me that doesnt want to go.
i wish i could just put us on pause,
and just be me for a while,
just to see how it feels.
but i know that will only complicate things even more.
fuck, man.