What's the story?
The following writing is sort of fragmented... sorry bout that.
I was waiting for Manuel, Oscar's friend to pick me up in front of a grocery store parking lot. Something hit me as I was just sitting on the curb watching all the people and traffic go by. I realized I relate more to homeless people on the street than i do with anybody else who i see walking around. Why? Because their perspective is easy to overlook. People are incapable of investing energy to try and understand how they ended up the way they are.
From the Smashing Pumpkins, I hear Billy Corgan tell me "the killer in me is the killer in you", and that's a stable solace for me, because we're all together in this catch 22. We'll all die alone. When you see his pictures, you come to understand his music in a new light. I see aloneness and death in his eyes, and i think he's hopelessly in love with his consciousness And that's the only reason we fear death, isn't it? We don't want to disappear, and we don't want to leave our minds behind, and we don't want to be at the mercy of God.
I miss the innocence that I can't remember well enough to miss.
I think i can only feel when i'm pushed to do so. And I can only feel the push when i feel like i'm going to die. I say "die" without using the license of hyperbole. I swear sometimes when I sleep, my soul is being fondled by Satan. Darkness, to me, is the step beyond aloneness -- it's the place you're torn between the decision of eternal torment and eternal aloneness. I've decided this is the gateway to hell.
They say thatyou meet angels in disguise. I never quite took this concept literally. But I feel like i've been on an entirely different kind of scale lately. sometimes I swear you can see God living on earth in a person. By God, i mean the Ultimate Truth -- every individual truth of everything in the universe. First, there are some people who have taken themselves so far out of human consciousness, that they have fabricated a certain peace, and found a higher consciousness. But other people (the ones you meet at the mercy of fate), radiate with understanding and pierce you with knowing eyes, down to the core.
I'm mortally afraid as i stand and think back to the lucidity of his gaze as he stared past me and into the scene of my darkest nightmare...
It was all riding on the man who picked me up, and turned me in the right direction. The man in the red SUV.
It's difficult to shed light to convey understanding. But I've been asking for answers, and I've convinced myself that God has answered me through a stranger's stern, intimate eyes. I'm afraid of the answers to my questions, because I don't think it's what I want to hear. I'm only looking to humble myself so I can get up and dust myself off, and continue in stride to project the illusion that I'm something noble and good. We will do anything to save ourselves. And I've come to a conclusion: I care about no one but myself.
There's no room to love anyone else. Being a logical, and thinking individual can't justify the perverse selfishness. Blasphemy means you've left God with no way to reach you. I wanted to believe I was a deity, because gods never die.
I feel guilty for seeing windows of hope. I'm a liar.
I was waiting for Manuel, Oscar's friend to pick me up in front of a grocery store parking lot. Something hit me as I was just sitting on the curb watching all the people and traffic go by. I realized I relate more to homeless people on the street than i do with anybody else who i see walking around. Why? Because their perspective is easy to overlook. People are incapable of investing energy to try and understand how they ended up the way they are.
From the Smashing Pumpkins, I hear Billy Corgan tell me "the killer in me is the killer in you", and that's a stable solace for me, because we're all together in this catch 22. We'll all die alone. When you see his pictures, you come to understand his music in a new light. I see aloneness and death in his eyes, and i think he's hopelessly in love with his consciousness And that's the only reason we fear death, isn't it? We don't want to disappear, and we don't want to leave our minds behind, and we don't want to be at the mercy of God.
I miss the innocence that I can't remember well enough to miss.
I think i can only feel when i'm pushed to do so. And I can only feel the push when i feel like i'm going to die. I say "die" without using the license of hyperbole. I swear sometimes when I sleep, my soul is being fondled by Satan. Darkness, to me, is the step beyond aloneness -- it's the place you're torn between the decision of eternal torment and eternal aloneness. I've decided this is the gateway to hell.
They say thatyou meet angels in disguise. I never quite took this concept literally. But I feel like i've been on an entirely different kind of scale lately. sometimes I swear you can see God living on earth in a person. By God, i mean the Ultimate Truth -- every individual truth of everything in the universe. First, there are some people who have taken themselves so far out of human consciousness, that they have fabricated a certain peace, and found a higher consciousness. But other people (the ones you meet at the mercy of fate), radiate with understanding and pierce you with knowing eyes, down to the core.
I'm mortally afraid as i stand and think back to the lucidity of his gaze as he stared past me and into the scene of my darkest nightmare...
It was all riding on the man who picked me up, and turned me in the right direction. The man in the red SUV.
It's difficult to shed light to convey understanding. But I've been asking for answers, and I've convinced myself that God has answered me through a stranger's stern, intimate eyes. I'm afraid of the answers to my questions, because I don't think it's what I want to hear. I'm only looking to humble myself so I can get up and dust myself off, and continue in stride to project the illusion that I'm something noble and good. We will do anything to save ourselves. And I've come to a conclusion: I care about no one but myself.
There's no room to love anyone else. Being a logical, and thinking individual can't justify the perverse selfishness. Blasphemy means you've left God with no way to reach you. I wanted to believe I was a deity, because gods never die.
I feel guilty for seeing windows of hope. I'm a liar.