Between Gemini and Leo -- Part 1/2
Title: Between Gemini and Leo
Chapter: Part 1/2
Author: invisiblehabits
Genre: AU, Romance, Angst
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Adult content, serious illness, character death
Pairings: Aki/Hiroto
Disclaimer: Don’t own, don’t know. Won’t make money unless you feel like paying me to read.
Summary: Some people say cancer is a gift...
Comments: Please don’t judge the summary before reading the story, because I know it can be very provocative. The statement is actually stolen from the TV series ”The Big C”. This is actually a very belated birthday present for musicalmimicry, and she knows I’m writing on something so I will post it for her sake tonight. It has not been betad, nor proofread, but I’ll post it now anyway. Aki, babes, I hope you like this now that is it finally done. Sorry it took me forever. <3
Edited to add: I can now saw I have at least proofread this part and made some minor adjustments to spelling errors and such. Go me! *whispers*I hate proofreading my own stories*whispers*
The first time he saw Aki he was walking down the slushy streets of winter Tokyo. Snow was rare and far between and when it did fall it mostly ended up a sluggish mess of brown and grey wetness. Hiroto liked bright white covers of snow, trees glistening with pure fluffiness, and big flakes slowly dancing towards the ground. But he only ever got this. Sighing he pulled a drenched shoe from the slush and took another step, hit a frozen spot and immediately slipped. For a second he was convinced he’d end up seated in the mess, but somehow he managed to catch himself against the wall, scraped his fingers and made the shocked gasp turn into a slight whimper of pain.
“You okay?” someone asked behind him and from the corner of his eyes Hiroto saw someone putting an arm behind him, preventing him from falling further.
“Yeah, yeah, I just slipped on the ice,” he said and made sure he had proper footing before turning around. Looking up he nearly gulped at the sheer prettiness of the friendly stranger.
“Yeah, it’s ridiculously slippery now,” the tall man, probably a few years older than Hiroto himself, agreed. “I hope this snow disappears quickly, I’m tired of it.”
He looked so out of place in this part of town, far from the neon vibrant center and colourful masses of Harajuku and Shibuya, where his stunning looks and glittering piercings would fit in perfectly. To Hiroto, the stranger looked like some kind of model or musician, far too glamorous to appear on a backstreet just around the corner from his own ratty apartment.
“You don’t like snow?” he asked, partly out of curiosity and partly to distract himself from the way light from the blinking street lamp caught in silver jewellery.
“Of course I do,” the other replied immediately. “But this isn’t snow, this is...I don’t know, some poor excuse for it.”
Hiroto giggled at that, desperately trying to choke it down, covering his mouth with both hands in hopes he wouldn’t seem too rude. The fact he probably looked like an overgrown eight-year-old never crossed his mind. It didn’t seem to bother his companion at least.
“I’m Aki, by the way,” he continued and made a two-fingered salute from a studded eyebrow.
“Hiroto,” he introduced himself and bit his lower lip, trying not to develop an immediate crush on a total stranger. There was no such thing as love at first sight, no matter how nice the thought seemed Hiroto wasn’t that naive, but this Aki was so gorgeous he almost changed his mind. “Do you live around here?”
The question slipped out before he had time to think and Hiroto flushed, blood heating frostbitten cheeks and making the pink hue even darker. Luckily Aki didn’t seem to mind the rather intimate question, intimate at least when coming from someone he’d know for approximately three minutes. He just smiled that infectious grin of his and nodded, pointed over Hiroto’s shoulder.
“Just around the corner, down there,” he said and sadly indicated the other direction from Hiroto’s own apartment. “Moved in about a month ago.”
“Oh,” Hiroto nodded enthusiastically. “I live just down that way, but I haven’t seen you before. Guess the short time span explains it.”
He stopped himself just before blurting out ‘I would’ve remember someone like you’, but it was almost as if Aki heard the words. It was a ridiculous thought of course, but Hiroto didn’t know how to otherwise interpret the amused look he received. Aki had a way of looking at him that made him weak in the knees and brought flushes to his face, and he knew he needed to get over that; people like Aki, gorgeous perfect people with attitude and confidence, didn’t get interested in people like Hiroto.
“Well now that we’ve met I bet we’ll see each other more often,” the taller said. “I could use a friend, don’t have a lot of people to hang out with.”
Somehow that was hard to believe, but Hiroto was not about to reject an opportunity flat out shoving itself in his face. If anyone needed friends, people to hang out with, it was him. “I hope so,” he agreed and smiled brightly. “I can be a bit...vacant,” he giggled and Aki joined in, “but if you see me just call out, okay?”
“Will do,” the other promised. “Though I might pester you about what goes on in that dreamy head of yours then, just saying.”
Hiroto snorted softly, but Aki looked genuinely amused, curious, and no matter how he tried he couldn’t catch the butterflies that suddenly escaped and fluttered around in his stomach. “I doubt you’d find it interesting though, but sure,” he murmured.
“Let me be the judge of that,” Aki said and finally removed his arm from the wall, pushed himself back into a full stand rather than a slouched. “I get the feeling you belittle yourself Hiroto.”
It was hard to tell whether the blush springing back to the innocent face was due to indignation or embarrassment, but it was painfully obvious Aki had struck a nerve. Hiroto had never had the best of self-esteem, always the smallest, constantly picked on to the point where he somehow began to almost pick on himself. He wasn’t exactly proud of it but it’d become a defence mechanism of sorts, strike first, prove you don’t think all that much of yourself and hope others thereby left you alone. Sadly they had, to the point where Hiroto didn’t have a whole lot of people left in his life at all...
Looking up he was sad to see Aki had already disappeared around the corner and Hiroto vehemently fought the voice trying to tell him the other had wanted to get away as soon as possible. Aki seemed nice, genuinely nice and friendly, not at all the kind of person who would say one thing and walk away thinking something else. But then, how was Hiroto supposed to judge the character of someone he’d met five minutes ago? Sighing softly he tried to push the lonely feeling in his chest aside and turned the opposite direction he now knew Aki lived, headed towards his own apartment and a desperately needed cup of steaming hot tea.
- - -
“Hiroto? Hey, Hiroto!”
Hiroto turned around and tried to locate the person calling out for him. He didn’t really know anyone in this part of town, so it surprised him someone would want his attention. Truth be told Hiroto didn’t know a lot of people period. He’d lost contact with most of his childhood friends, and the ones who still called or texted every now and then lived almost on the opposite side of town. His family did too and he was under the impression they considered him something of the black sheep after he chose to study literature rather than business or accounting or something responsible like that. They were still talking, only not that often, and Hiroto was very aware of how his brother had the good job and a house he owned, the pretty wife and children to perfect the image.
In many ways it seemed unfair, his brother was nearly ten years older than him and had been encouraged to follow his dreams. Convenient as they were to become a business man and make money. Hiroto was proud of his brother, of course, and was happy he could do the things he wanted to do. But there was some small part of him that wished their parents would be as accepting about his own dreams as well.
“Over here,” was said on a giggle and Hiroto finally spotted Aki walking over. “Wow, apparently you’re both vacant and half-blind.”
The dark thoughts gathering at the back of his neck immediately vaporised when Aki smiled at him. Hiroto smiled back and tried not to blush, something he seemed to do an awful lot around the pretty man, but Aki was like an instant happy pill and he was not about to object.
“Hello, sorry, I didn’t see you,” he rambled out in one breath.
“You didn’t expect me to talk to you again, did you?” Aki said, studded eyebrow slightly raised in an all-knowing fashion but warm eyes filled with concern. “You should think more of yourself, you know.”
Protruding teeth bit down on soft flesh and Hiroto blushed deeper, not sure whether to like or hate the way Aki seemed to see straight through him. A car drove by, splashing slush up onto the sidewalk and the side of Hiroto’s shoe, but he barely noticed it, it wasn’t like his shoes weren’t soaked through already.
“I’m just...kinda used to people not really noticing me,” he admitted softly, for some reason oddly ashamed of his own behaviour, lack of confidence, etc. When no demeaning snorts, belittling words or similar were tossed his way, Hiroto dared to look back up at Aki, not really sure when he’d lowered his eyes.
“That’s really sad,” Aki said when their eyes finally met again. “You should make them notice you. Then again, easier said than done I guess.”
As if to make his point he looked around them, at the few people walking on the other side of the street, the woman smoking from her kitchen window two stories above them, the man getting into his car not 10 meters away from them; no one acknowledged their presence in the slightest. It was almost as if the conversation was not taking place, Hiroto thought, as if they weren’t even real and therefore couldn’t be seen or heard by anyone else.
“Hey, don’t give me that devastated look,” Aki said cheerfully. “Fuck people, I see you so that counts for something, right?”
Dragged out of his thoughts, the spiral so easily twirling down down down lately, Hiroto looked up at the other again. Aki was smiling, soft and slightly loopsided, the piercings glittering from whatever light they caught. Again the dark thoughts disappeared as rapidly as they’d arrived, simply from looking at the other.
“It does,” he confirmed. “It counts for a lot actually.”
“Good,” Aki said. “We should hang out, if you want to of course. I’m on my way somewhere right now, but I’m free all weekend.”
“Really?” Hiroto didn’t know which surprised him the most, that someone like Aki wanted to hang out with him or that he didn’t have any plans for the weekend. True he’d said he didn’t have too many friends to hang out with, but it was still hard for Hiroto to grasp. “That’d be awesome!”
He didn’t realise it himself, but anyone who had known Hiroto when he was younger would’ve recognised him just then. He was, by nature, a happy, curious, and spontaneous individual, but loneliness and a sort of standstill in life had weighed down on him to the point where he sometimes found it hard to even get out of bed. It was no fun to think he might be depressed, and it certainly wasn’t something he wanted to discuss with his family, but the thought had begun to prod at the back of his head. Having someone like Aki, a flashy gorgeous person who looked to be everything Hiroto secretly wanted to become, acknowledge him felt almost too good.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, a slight giggle tinting the words. “I’ve been feeling rather lonely lately.”
Perhaps it was weird to tell someone you’d just met such a thing, but Aki didn’t seem to mind and he was easy to talk to, almost as if they’d known each other for a long time rather than two short meetings on the sidewalk. Hiroto didn’t even think about what he admitted, which he would realise later was weird cause he had developed a tendency of second guessing himself, simply blurted it out because he felt like saying it. And Aki didn’t seem to mind, he just smiled and nodded slightly.
“I recognise the feeling,” he said. “It sucks, cause you know you should do something but you don’t feel up to do anything and we are being so fucking non-Japanese right now, are we not?”
For the first time in a while Hiroto laughed out loud, uninhibited and spontaneously. He nodded and mumbled some kind of agreement, which sparked a conversation about what was acceptable Japanese behaviour and what was not, which parts they agreed to and which felt slightly outdated. Aki didn’t remembered he had somewhere to be until Hiroto’s lips had a slightly blue tinge and he was already awfully late. They quickly exchanged phone numbers and promised to get in contact soon before Aki ran off and Hiroto went back home, any reason he’d had for leaving the apartment since long forgotten.
- - -
On Saturday afternoon Hiroto somehow found the confidence to push dial after having entered Aki’s number on his phone. Two signals later he was about to hang up, convinced it had been a bad idea to be the one to call, when the other picked up. It took a grand total of five minutes to decide Aki would come over to Hiroto’s place, things moving swift and natural as ever between them, and an hour later the door bell buzzed.
Aki looked stylish as ever, jeans clinging to thighs, what looked like a designer shirt beneath a gorgeous leather jacket. His hair was styled messily, making it look like he didn’t really, care and for the first time Hiroto realised he wore a little bit of makeup too. It was all completed by accessories Hiroto didn’t even know where to buy; bracelets, necklaces, earrings, rings and silver studs in lips and eyebrow. He almost felt like he was inviting a rockstar as he stepped aside and offered Aki to come in.
“I...like what you’ve done with the place,” Aki said as he took of his shoes, taking the opportunity to glance around the small apartment. “All things considered I mean.”
Again it was an open honesty Hiroto wasn’t used to, and one he had often missed in his everyday life. His apartment was a rat’s nest and everyone knew it, it was no different from any of the other apartments on the same block. Old buildings in vast need of renovation with no one to care about it, the people living inside too insignificant to argue against those who could do something. But Hiroto had tried to cover up dark spots on the floor with carpets and sitting pillows, holes and water marks in the walls were hidden behind posters and paintings in an odd combination of traditional and hyper modern, and little trinkets mixed with CDs, LPs and books both old and new.
“Thanks,” he said belatedly. “I just....collect up things I like.”
“Looks good,” Aki said and sounded genuine. “Personal.”
Turning around in a small circle, as if to take everything in, he finally stopped and looked at Hiroto. “So what do you normally do at home?”
The quick glance towards the TV and the game console in front of it sort of gave him away. He’d saved a long time to be able to buy a PlayStation 3 and every new game was a luxury he probably couldn’t afford, but it was something he liked to do and it gave him something to do when friends weren’t available.
“I like to play games,” he admitted. “I don’t have too many, but I like the ones I’ve got.”
He hadn’t even finished the sentence before Aki was over there, picking up games to inspect them, carefully putting them back in their proper place once he was done. Finally he held up one of Hiroto’s favourites.
“I love this,” he said. “Haven’t played it in ages though! You up for it?”
Considering the game had barely been out a year Hiroto doubted the statement, but he smiled and nodded. He owned two hand controls, luckily, and they spent the afternoon playing games and talking. He learnt that Aki was born in Tokyo, was an only child with no parents alive, and that he was a few years older than Hiroto himself. When they got hungry Hiroto ordered pizza and they picked at peperoni and melted cheese with the game on pause, swallowed it down with beer, and actually cleaned up after themselves before continuing. Before they knew it, it was dark outside
“I should probably head home,” Aki said and paused the game, the third they’d begun. “But I had a great day today.”
“Me too.” Hiroto smiled. “I’m glad you talked to me the other day.”
“So am I.” Aki smiled back at him and it was such a pretty sight Hiroto feared he might blush. He could see himself falling for the ridiculously pretty older man, and he really didn’t want to do that. Even in modern times homosexuality was mostly frowned upon and until Aki gave some kind of inclination of being anything but dead straight Hiroto wouldn’t want to risk their new friendship.
“We should do this again,” Aki said, then laughed shortly, perhaps realising it sounded like a bad cliche or breakup line. “Sooner rather than later, I really did have fun.”
He looked and sounded genuine and Hiroto nodded. “I have no plans for tomorrow,” he said, more a joke than not. Aki laughed as he got up. They shut off the game, forgot to save but didn’t really care. The next day they played more games, ordered Chinese takeout, and talked for hours. Hiroto hadn’t had such a great weekend in months.
- - -
“Can I ask you a very personal question?” Aki asked weeks later. Once again they were curled up on Hiroto’s sofa, a blue knitted blanket tossed over their legs which were almost touching where they sat leaned against an armrest each. Hiroto had been on his way home from work, a boring job at a supermarket where he was supposed to restock the paper and books section, when he’d run into Aki on the street and invited him over for hot cocoa to try and warm up. Winter had struck for real and it was icy cold outside.
“Sure,” Hiroto said and licked a bit of whipped cream from his upper lip. Over the past several weeks Aki had gone from a stranger on the sidewalk to one of the best friends Hiroto had ever had. He felt more comfortable about the older man than he did most of his childhood friends.
“Are you gay?” The normally so confident expression in Aki’s eyes wavered for a minute and then he lowered them altogether, looked far more nervous than Hiroto could remember ever having seen him. It didn’t stop the younger man from going pale though, then get slightly dizzy as all the blood rushed back to his head in a furious blush, more than enough confirmation of the statement.
He tried to splutter out some kind of acceptable answer, anything that wouldn’t immediately give him away even when he’d already blown his cover horrendously. The whole time Aki sat with his eyes lowered, chewing his lower lip and causing the piercings to clink against his teeth. A loose thread was slowly pulled further and further out of his shirt, leaving the cloth crinkled and imperfect, until Hiroto finally managed to shut himself up, out of poor excuses and bad explanations.
“I am,” Aki whispered then, voice only gaining strength as he continued talking. “And I know you’re not supposed to talk about it, but we talk about everything else and....” He took a deep breath. “And I think I kinda like you.”
Complete silence followed the statement. Hiroto stared at the older until Aki raised his gaze and met his eyes. They stared at each other for long moments more, Hiroto stunned silent as the very things he’d been hoping were suddenly shoved down his throat. He couldn’t even reply properly, just nodded his yes in small rapid movements. Aki’s entire face brightened as he smiled, but he didn’t move closer and Hiroto wasn’t sure if he was thankful or disappointed.
“So...just to clear things up here,” Aki said finally. “You are gay? And you...like me too?”
“Yes,” Hiroto finally managed to spit out, voice not even wavering when he finally found it. “I’m gay, but I didn’t dare bring it up since I didn’t know if you were, and I didn’t want you to disappear cause you got disgusted or something like that, because I do like you.”
A soft giggle was all he heard before Aki softly grasped his hand, lying unsuspiciously on the sofa after he’d managed to put the hot chocolate aside. “Then I think you should breathe, cause I don’t want you to pass out.”
His smile was soft but so bright and Hiroto felt all warm and happy inside realising it was meant for him. He even dared to move a little closer, encouraged when Aki tugged him closer still by his hand. Their knees touched and Hiroto felt little tingles travel up the skin on his thigh. He squeezed the fingers intertwined with his and felt the gesture returned. It was all brand new and exciting and he felt a bit like a young teenager out of his depth, only as he teenager he had never been curled up on the couch with another boy, definitely not one so pretty as Aki.
“So what do we do now?” he asked tentatively, figuring he might as well admit to being at a complete loss. “I’ve never done a whole lot of confessing, dating, or boyfriends.”
Aki’s head tilted to the side slightly. “How come?”
Hiroto bit his lip, the same annoying habit he’d had his entire life, and lowered his eyes. He still felt Aki’s fingers between his own and the older tugged on his hand softly as he spoke again, “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.”
“I never really...came out of the closet,” Hiroto explained still, talking even with the offer of staying silent. “I’ve known I’m gay for years, never really looked at girls at all, but I never met anyone who made me take the step.”
It was true but probably not the entire truth, and definitely not as bad as it might sound. Hiroto hadn’t looked for a boyfriend in his teens, content with friendships and having fun without getting intimate or into relationships. He had no idea what his parents thought about homosexuality, it had never been a topic in their house, but several of his high school friends had openly scorned gay people when the subject came up. In so many ways it had just seemed easier to not state that he too preferred boys over girls.
“No one knows?” Aki asked, head still slightly tilted and a look of worry in his eyes. Hiroto almost blushed, not from embarrassment but from happiness, at seeing such care directed at him.
“I have a few gay friends,” he admitted. “People I met as I grew up, started going out on my own. I am gay, I know I am and accept it. I just haven’t had a reason to go public about it.”
“It’s not easy, I know,” Aki admitted. “I don’t exactly flaunt it either. We can just take it easy you know, I don’t mind.”
Hiroto smiled and scooted a little bit closer, not feeling the need to reply beyond a content sigh as he leaned back against the couch. Aki copied his action and they sat cuddled close, knees and shoulders brushing and with their fingers still entwined on top of the blanket. It was nice, as relaxed and easygoing as every time they hung out, only exciting in a whole new way now that Hiroto knew Aki shared his budding feelings. He felt giddy and overwhelmed, yet much too relaxed to move from his spot, the thought he probably had a boyfriend now a bit too grand to fully take in just yet.
- - -
He did have a boyfriend and a perfect one to that. Aki kissed him on the cheek as he went home that first night, a seemingly innocent gesture turned so much more with the confessions shared. It took them nearly two weeks to share a proper kiss, and when they did it wasn’t perfect because they were nervous and tense, but it didn’t feel awkward afterwards. They simply laughed and tried again, enjoying and exploring as they learnt how the other felt and tasted.
Early on they made the decision to keep a low profile, meaning for example they didn’t go on dates. It should’ve been boring, but it never was. They cooked dinner together, watched movies, and played video games. Sometimes they sat curled up for hours just talking and touching innocently. Half the time Aki ended up spending the night, even when they hardly ever made plans for it, and it was equally amazing each time, because what Hiroto loved the most was waking up next to his boyfriend.
“Do you have a headache again?” Aki asked one such morning. Hiroto groaned and nodded slightly.
“It’s not too bad though,” he assured, sort of amazed by the fact Aki had even noticed. “Kick me out of bed and I’ll go have a shower, I’m sure that’ll help. It’s probably just tension.”
Aki gave him a soft kiss and nudged him to the edge of the bed. He still looked slightly worried, but Hiroto just smiled at him and got up reluctantly. More than anything he wanted to just stay in bed and cuddle, but he really hated having a headache and hoped to cure it before it got worse. To be honest he hadn’t been too stressed lately, work being dull as ever but with his private life being on top he hardly even noticed as soon as he was allowed to leave.
Stripping out of the boxers he wore to bed Hiroto relieved his bladder before popping a painkiller and hopping into the shower. Turning the temperature to just below scalding he stepped under the spray, bent his head down and hoped the water would loosen up his shoulders and ease the headache. It sort of worked, even if the joints popped and his muscles skipped beneath the skin as he tried to rolls his shoulders. At least it did until the bathroom door opened behind his back and Hiroto’s entire posture stiffened in surprised semi shock.
“Baby?” Aki asked from the door, not stepping fully into the room and eyes lowered modestly. “Are you feeling better?”
Steam made the room misty and fogged over the mirror above the basin. Hiroto stared through it, unconsciously licked his lips as he couldn’t quite make out Aki’s unclad upper body over the distance. He knew what it looked like though, even when he hadn’t seen too much of it in daylight he had most definitely felt it up at night before they fell asleep.
“Yeah,” he mumbled distractedly. “Definitely getting there at least.”
“Do you want me to massage your shoulders for you a bit?” Aki asked softly, still not crossing the threshold or looking up. Weeks and weeks later they still hadn’t gone beyond kissing and touching, pretty serious touching but they still wore clothes to bed. Hiroto seriously considered declining, feeling shy and insecure all over again though he had no idea why, it wasn’t like he was unfamiliar with sex or intimacy.
“Okay,” he said, much to his own surprise. “Just let me wash my hair.”
Aki glanced up briefly, probably trying to be sneaky about it but Hiroto caught him peaking, and nodded. He didn’t say anything as he turned around and went back to the bedroom, leaving Hiroto to wash himself quickly. Suddenly the idea of hot water wasn’t as appealing as the idea of warm fingers trying to loosen up the stiffness in his neck.
- - -
As it turned out those fingers caused more stiffness than they eased. Lying on his stomach with Aki straddling his lower back Hiroto didn’t know if he wanted to openly moan in pleasure or die from embarrassment. Aki was a good kneader, easily finding the sore spots and untangling the muscle knots, but his warm hands were having other effects as well.
“Feeling any better?” Aki asked, voice low in the silent room, words spoken in an almost intimate way. Or so it sounded to Hiroto who mumbled some kind of affirmative. Aki giggled. “Are you falling asleep on me? You only just got out of bed.”
A light blush crawled up Hiroto’s neck and cheeks. “No, I’m feelings quite...aroused.”
It was a very deliberate choice of word and he felt Aki stiffen above him, magic hands freezing mid movement. When he said nothing Hiroto dared to turn his head slightly to look over his shoulder, almost pinching the older’s hand between hi neck and shoulder as he did so. Aki was looking at him, a mixture of delight, desire and nerves all too clearly visible in his eyes. Hiroto realised right then that he wanted him, wanted more than the kisses and groping they’d shared so far.
He slowly twisted around so that he was lying on his back, his boyfriend suddenly straddling his hips instead. If Aki managed to miss the erection digging into his thigh Hiroto figured he’d have to find a new boyfriend. He unconsciously licked his lips as he let his hands land on the other’s knees and stroke upwards, sweatpants bundling beneath his palms as if to remind him he couldn’t feel skin.
“Please,” he whispered when Aki didn’t move his own hands from where they’d landed on his chest. For a moment he feared Aki didn’t want to take it further, but just as he was about to ask the older leaned down and kissed him heatedly.
Hiroto was finally allowed to feel skin beneath his fingertips as he moved his hands from thighs to back, taking advantage of the fact neither of them wore more than sweatpants. He felt Aki’s nails, short and blunt, dig into his skin softly and the kiss deepened even more. Aki hadn’t brushed his teeth, but Hiroto didn’t even think about it as he clung to the other’s muscled shoulders and raised his hips in a wordless plea.
Sweatpants were pushed aside, first Hiroto’s, then Aki’s, leaving them both rather naked all of a sudden. Normally Hiroto wore underwear, which could not be said about Aki, but he hadn’t put any on after his shower. When Aki curled slightly rough fingers around his erection he was not sorry for the fact.
The kiss broke when Hiroto’s head tipped back, breathy moans slipping out even as he bit his lower lip. “Why did we take so long to get here?” he asked mindlessly.
“No idea,” Aki mumbled, leaving open mouthed kisses all over the younger’s jawline and neck. His hand never stop moving, slow soft strokes that could never be more than teasing. It took Hiroto whining and thrusting up into said hand for things to move on, fingers to slip lower, lube to be produced from the bedside table. If Aki was amused by the half empty bottle he didn’t say, a bit too focused, it seemed, on his task.
One finger became two, then three and Hiroto had no idea how long Aki took in preparing him. Too long and not enough, because it felt way better than he remembered. Rocking back on them slightly he forced his eyes open, realising he’d had them closed almost the entire time. He wanted to say something, beg for more, tell that he’d had enough teasing and foreplay, but his mouth was too dry and the words got stuck in his throat because Aki looked so pretty hovering above him, staring into his eyes in a way that would’ve been impolite in any other setting.
Another kiss, softer and less rushed, and Aki retracted his fingers, replaced them with something else. For half a second Hiroto considered condoms, but then Aki was pushing in and he felt like he’d lost his mind. Some breathy version of Aki’s name slipped out and his head wanted to tip back again, only to be stopped by pierced lips and a strained “Look at me”.
It was over quicker than Hiroto would’ve liked, too much emotion and build up causing him to tip over the edge after only a few minutes. Aki followed him quickly, his dark eyes slipping shut as he released with a silent moan, tongue flickering out as if to chase any pleasure breathed out. Hiroto pulled him down afterwards, hugged him close and breathed in the smell of sweat and sex mixed with sleep and just pure Aki.
“That was...” He didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t sound terribly cliché and ruin the moment completely.
“Yeah,” Aki agreed nonetheless and Hiroto could feel his silent chuckle against his skin. Slowly he pushed up and met Hiroto’s eyes again. “Let’s not wait so long till next time.”
“I think I’ll wound you if you even get out of bed today,” Hiroto said grinning and clenched his muscles just because he could. Aki faltered for a moment and moved his hips almost on instinct.
“I see no reason to,” he said, rocking his hips softly as he leaned down and stole another kiss. Hiroto didn’t care if he’d have to survive the next day on painkillers and pure will.
- - -
Weeks shifted to months and before Hiroto knew it he’d been seeing Aki for two thirds of a year. He realised one morning, sitting by his kitchen window with a large mug of tea, waiting for the painkillers to take effect. With the thought also came the recognition that he was happy, or more accurately that he hadn’t been happy for quite a while before meeting Aki. Now he could admit to himself that he’d been lonely to the point where he felt abandoned even when in a crowd, like no one saw or noticed him at all. In the end he’d shied away and even stopped trying to gain any attention.
Everything changed, Hiroto thought, the day Aki put his arm behind him to make sure he didn’t fall into the slushy snow. It didn’t matter that they never went out to dinner or the movies, that Aki basically had no friends they could hang out with, or that Hiroto’s own were always too busy to meet them. Once he’d suggested they go to a club, a gay one where no one would care and they didn’t have to hide, but Aki had muttered something about not being a very good dancer and Hiroto had laughed about how adorably embarrassed he looked.
The memory made him smile softly and he closed his eyes around it as he took another sip of tea. Very soon the sun would peak above the horizon, the sky was a fantastic display of pale blue and orangy pink, and he really should move before the blazing rays hit his eyes. The headache was bad enough as it was.
A soft creek warned him Aki had entered the kitchen, the sound coming from the threshold objecting to being stepped upon for some reason, and he spilt no tea in surprised shock when warm hands settled on his neck. Aki massaged his upper neck ever so softly, moved his fingers up to massage and scratch his scalp as well, and Hiroto relaxed as best he could. He knew, even before the older said anything, that Aki knew, there was no reason for him to be up and moving at such an early hour.
“Call in sick baby,” he said softly, barely even a whisper as to not upset Hiroto’s head further. “Then go see a doctor, this is getting ridiculous.”
There was worry in his voice which Hiroto tried to ignore. He knew Aki was right, his headaches were increasing in both frequence and intensity. It was starting to scare him slightly, which made him all the more reluctant to go get checked. Consistent headaches couldn’t possibly be a good sign.
“Please,” Aki whispered even lower. “I’m worried about you.”
It was the best, perhaps the only, way to get him to agree and yet again Hiroto knew that Aki knew just that. He put the mug down and turned around, looked up at Aki just as he felt the first rays of sun against the back of his neck. The reflection on the offwhite cupboards was enough to send a spike of pain through his head. He winced and decided then and there to agree, if nothing else then because he liked the way Aki’s warm eyes softened when he opened his eyes again and carefully nodded affirmatively.
- - -
He didn’t like the nurse who first introduced herself to him. To Hiroto it made sense that hospital employees should be friendly, considering people came to them for help when they were sick or hurt, but the middle aged woman in front of him looked and sounded like he’d just ruined her day by showing up by her desk. He got to explain his condition, how he’d suffered ever increasing headaches for the past six months or so, and she asked a few routine questions. At one point Hiroto asked himself if she was trying to tell him to go home, nurse his own goddamn hangover and get help for his presumed alcoholism. He came very close to leaving before she finally told him to sit down and wait for a doctor to be available. Then he almost left because the wait was too long and the general murmur mixed with crying children and pacing people in the waiting room brought on another headache. He had no one to blame but himself though, or so he figured as he hadn’t called and booked a time in advance, and therefore he waited until his name was called.
From there on things moved rapidly. The doctor, a much more likable man than the nurse Hiroto had met before, listened to his story, asked in-depth questions about his medical history, and looked more and more serious the longer they talked. Finally he put his pen down and quite bluntly stated he didn’t like what he was hearing and wanted to do thorough examinations as soon as possible.
Hiroto was sent home with orders to come back first thing tomorrow morning and to not eat any breakfast before. Aki came over in the evening, one of the requirements Hiroto had made if he was to go to the hospital.
“What did they say?” he asked carefully, worry obvious in his eyes even as Hiroto could tell he was trying to hide it.
“That it didn’t sound good,” Hiroto replied honestly, feeling less scared than he supposed he should. It all just seemed unreal to him. “I’m to go back tomorrow for further examinations.”
He tried to give a recollection of what the doctor had said, probably missing half of it because he’d forgotten or not understood it. Towards the end of it he began to wonder why he wasn’t feeling scared, or at least worried, and looking up at his boyfriend he could see Aki was thinking the same. It was also easy to see Aki was worried enough for both of them, constantly biting his lower lip and pulling at his piercings.
“Do you think I’m stupid?” Hiroto asked finally, silence stretching out a bit too much for his liking after the story came to a stop. “I should be scared, right? These headaches are not normal and I should be scared because it could be something really bad and-”
Aki’s arms wrapping around his slim shoulders stopped the budding panic before Hiroto even realised it tried to sneak up on him. The older’s soft whispered words became a distant static behind the suddenly thrumming headache, blood pounding in his ears making it hard to hear anything. Perhaps he murmured something about it into Aki’s neck, maybe the other simply knew and lead him to bed instinctively. They even stopped by the bathroom so Hiroto could splash some cold water on his face and neck and swallow two of the brand new stronger painkillers the doctor had given him.
“Don’t go,” he begged when Aki made to leave him alone in bed. “Can you just, sleep with me for a little while?”
“Of course,” Aki said and slipped beneath the covers, jeans and all even though Hiroto didn’t notice. Hiroto was pulled up against a strong chest but allowed to keep his head on the pillow since even hearing a heartbeat felt overwhelming. He wasn’t sure if he fell asleep or actually passed out, but at least he didn’t have to feel the headache.
- - -
The following day found Hiroto pushed around half the hospital, nurses drawing blood and checking his blood pressure, doctors asking questions, prodding him with fingers and instruments, listening to his lungs and heart, before he was thrown into a CAT scan and told to stay completely still. Without food in his system the headache was guaranteed even had they not been the reason he was subjected to it all, and he wasn’t even allowed to take anything for it until the examinations were completed. Aki had offered to come with him once he woke up, having slept through most of the day as well as the entire night. Lying in the scanner and told when he was allowed to talk and when to even hold his breath, Hiroto wished he’d taken his boyfriend up on the offer.
Finally the doctor, Dr. Nakashima, sat him down, papers, x-ray plates and what test results he’d gotten back already in front of him. Hiroto felt the same kind of eerie cold calmness from the day before seep into him at the look the man gave him. He knew, even before being told, no good news were coming his way.
“Just tell me,” he begged when the doctor looked like he was about to start apologising or ease into it gently. “Please, what’s wrong with me?”
Perhaps it was the fact his voice didn’t waver or that his eyes didn’t tear up, Hiroto never learnt, but Dr. Nakashima turned one of the x-ray plates of his brain towards him and pointed to a prominent speck of white. Hiroto tried to swallow but it got stuck somewhere in the upper part of his throat.
“That’s a brain tumour Mr. Ogata,” he said, straightforward like Hiroto’d wanted it. “It’s what causing your headaches.”
He didn’t know how long he stared at the image. If Dr. Nakashima said anything he didn’t hear it, but there was no static noise or rushing blood to drown a voice out, so perhaps he was given time to try and take in the information. The white blob didn’t look all that big to him, definitely not dangerous, but all Hiroto knew about brain tumours was that people tended to die from them in movies.
“Am I dying?” he finally asked as he tore his eyes from the image and looked into Dr. Nakashima’s almost black but surprisingly gentle eyes. The doctor took a moment to reply, as if deciding on how much to give up, or perhaps simply how to phrase it.
“Yes,” he finally went it. “Unless you get treatment, a tumour like this is likely to kill you. You said yesterday your headaches occurred six months ago?”
Hiroto nodded. “At least that’s when I begun noticing them,” he said, voice still a lot stronger than he would’ve expected of himself. “They might’ve been there earlier, but I didn’t think about it. In the past half a year or so they’ve gotten really bad.”
Dr. Nakashima nodded and made notes, asked some more questions before putting his pen down. “Mr. Ogata, is there someone I can call for you? It’s not good to deal with something like this on your own.”
For a moment he considered asking the doctor to call Aki, but then he’d probably have to explain that Aki was his boyfriend and he didn’t want to out them without Aki’s permission. So he shook his head no and promised to tell someone as soon as he got home, to talk about it. Dr. Nakashima nodded slowly, not entirely satisfied with the answer or so it seemed to Hiroto, and picked his pen up again.
“I’m not a brain surgeon nor an expert on cancer,” he said. “But I have seen tumours such as yours before and I’m hopeful we’ll be able to operate. I’ll refer you to Dr. Ishikawa, he has spent his entire career specialising in brain tumours. You’ll be contacted as soon as he has an appointment available, but it might be a few days.”
Hiroto nodded again, it seemed to be the only thing he was capable of doing, and mindlessly touched a finger to the white stain on his brain. Dr. Nakashima was clearly reluctant to let him go, but somehow Hiroto talked himself out of the hospital. He walked home slowly, mindless of traffic and it was rather impressive he avoided getting into an accident. It would’ve been quicker to take the subway but he wanted to clear his head, as ironic as the statement might sound. Not that there was a whole lot to clear out, he felt altogether too numb and detached to have received the kind of news he’d just gotten. ’Shock’ a little voice at the back of his mind whispered and he assumed it was correct.
- - -
When Aki came over in the evening Hiroto was curled up on the couch. He hadn’t moved since he came home and when the cushion dipped as Aki sat down next to him every joint in his petite body complained from strain. Slowly he loosened the death grip he had around his knees and unfolded his legs, all of him squeaking and cracking in the process, before he leant into Aki’s embrace and hid his face against the other’s neck. It felt like he’d been holding his breath till the moment Aki wrapped his arms around him.
“Somehow I take it the doctor didn’t give you good news,” he whispered. He sounded scared, more so than Hiroto felt himself. He knew he should sit up, look his boyfriend in the face and tell him the truth, but it seemed easier to just stay somewhat hidden in the false safety Aki provided.
“I have a brain tumour,” he said simply, matter of factly as if it wasn’t a big deal even when he heard the other’s sharp intake of breath. “The doctor said he thought it could be operated, but he’s referring me to a specialist.”
“What if it can’t be operated?” Aki was still whispering and his arms tightened around Hiroto. It was the question he didn’t want to think about, the big ‘if’ that was all too real and all too scary. “Babe, what if they can’t remove it?”
“I don’t know.” He finally released himself from Aki’s hold and stood up, stumbled a little bit as a wave of headache and nausea rolled over him. A thread of fear was beginning to seep into his consciousness and he didn’t like it, it was easier to simply not think about it. “Dr. Nakashima said the specialist, Dr. Ishikawa or whatever, would get in touch with me about a time to see him. I guess I’ll know more after that.”
He already knew more, he’d been told his tumour would most likely kill him if he didn’t get treatment, and what treatment was there for a tumour besides removing it? Sure there was chemotherapy and what not, he’d heard about it but hadn’t really had a reason to look into the details, but cancer didn’t miraculously go away on its own. Hiroto had been a dreamer as a child, but he wasn’t so delusional as to think he could adopt an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ strategy and make it all go away. It might be out of his mind, but it wouldn’t be out of his brain.
The painkillers he’d gotten the first time he went to the hospital were still in the bathroom and he went there to get some. He just wanted to sleep, not at all ready to deal with the consequences of the information given him. Nor Aki’s reaction to it, which seemed far stronger, and probably a lot more accurate, than his own. He didn’t so much as look at the other when he moved on to the bedroom but his heart ached a little bit when Aki didn’t join him. For a moment he feared Aki would leave, but when the drugs combined with the stress of the day finally pulled him down into dreamless sleep he hadn’t heard the front door open or close.
- - -
Aki was in bed with him when he woke up, a warm cocoon of safety wrapped around him from behind. The sob caught in his throat and Hiroto realised just how afraid he’d been Aki would up and leave in the middle of the night. He grabbed hold of the older’s arm wrapped around himself and tried to pull his boyfriend impossibly closer.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he whispered, feeling the need to vocalise his thoughts and gratitude.
“Of course I am,” Aki said, voice low like he’d learnt to speak to spare Hiroto’s head but not hiding the slight offence at the suggestion he’d disappear. “I love you.”
It seemed he didn’t think at all before saying it and Hiroto’s thought process shock stopped. He didn’t know if it was minutes, seconds or moments before he turned around in the older’s hold, stared up at Aki who looked about as stunned himself. Eight months into their relationship they’d never said the words out loud. Hiroto didn’t know if it was weird or not, but he hadn’t realised he wanted to hear them until he did, perhaps even needed to just then. He knew Aki loved him, felt loved with all the things the older did for and with him, but to actually hear the words was better than he’d expected.
“I love you,” Aki repeated, stronger and more confident, obviously said after he’d had time to think them through. He pulled Hiroto into a tight hug and whispered against his ear, “And I’m not going anywhere.”
For the first time since Dr. Nakashima told him just how sick he actually was, Hiroto felt hot tears sting behind his eyelids. He buried into Aki’s neck, let the older hold him as he cried out his fears and worries, then cried more from the sheer pain the crying fit caused his head, and ended up crying harder still because that pain reminded him all over again he was dying from it. It was all a bad circle of pain and fear and he was too tired to stop the regrets beginning to crawl up on him. Things he hadn’t done when given the chance, dreams he might never get to fulfil, everything he’d yet to discover he wanted to do in the first place. Aki held him close through it all, whispered things Hiroto didn’t hear but appreciated none the less.
Eventually he fell asleep, too exhausted to be bothered even by the mind numbing headache. When he woke up Aki still had his arms wrapped around him and Hiroto finally returned the confession he’d been too out of it to say the night before.
Part 2
Chapter: Part 1/2
Author: invisiblehabits
Genre: AU, Romance, Angst
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Adult content, serious illness, character death
Pairings: Aki/Hiroto
Disclaimer: Don’t own, don’t know. Won’t make money unless you feel like paying me to read.
Summary: Some people say cancer is a gift...
Comments: Please don’t judge the summary before reading the story, because I know it can be very provocative. The statement is actually stolen from the TV series ”The Big C”. This is actually a very belated birthday present for musicalmimicry, and she knows I’m writing on something so I will post it for her sake tonight. It has not been betad, nor proofread, but I’ll post it now anyway. Aki, babes, I hope you like this now that is it finally done. Sorry it took me forever. <3
Edited to add: I can now saw I have at least proofread this part and made some minor adjustments to spelling errors and such. Go me! *whispers*I hate proofreading my own stories*whispers*
The first time he saw Aki he was walking down the slushy streets of winter Tokyo. Snow was rare and far between and when it did fall it mostly ended up a sluggish mess of brown and grey wetness. Hiroto liked bright white covers of snow, trees glistening with pure fluffiness, and big flakes slowly dancing towards the ground. But he only ever got this. Sighing he pulled a drenched shoe from the slush and took another step, hit a frozen spot and immediately slipped. For a second he was convinced he’d end up seated in the mess, but somehow he managed to catch himself against the wall, scraped his fingers and made the shocked gasp turn into a slight whimper of pain.
“You okay?” someone asked behind him and from the corner of his eyes Hiroto saw someone putting an arm behind him, preventing him from falling further.
“Yeah, yeah, I just slipped on the ice,” he said and made sure he had proper footing before turning around. Looking up he nearly gulped at the sheer prettiness of the friendly stranger.
“Yeah, it’s ridiculously slippery now,” the tall man, probably a few years older than Hiroto himself, agreed. “I hope this snow disappears quickly, I’m tired of it.”
He looked so out of place in this part of town, far from the neon vibrant center and colourful masses of Harajuku and Shibuya, where his stunning looks and glittering piercings would fit in perfectly. To Hiroto, the stranger looked like some kind of model or musician, far too glamorous to appear on a backstreet just around the corner from his own ratty apartment.
“You don’t like snow?” he asked, partly out of curiosity and partly to distract himself from the way light from the blinking street lamp caught in silver jewellery.
“Of course I do,” the other replied immediately. “But this isn’t snow, this is...I don’t know, some poor excuse for it.”
Hiroto giggled at that, desperately trying to choke it down, covering his mouth with both hands in hopes he wouldn’t seem too rude. The fact he probably looked like an overgrown eight-year-old never crossed his mind. It didn’t seem to bother his companion at least.
“I’m Aki, by the way,” he continued and made a two-fingered salute from a studded eyebrow.
“Hiroto,” he introduced himself and bit his lower lip, trying not to develop an immediate crush on a total stranger. There was no such thing as love at first sight, no matter how nice the thought seemed Hiroto wasn’t that naive, but this Aki was so gorgeous he almost changed his mind. “Do you live around here?”
The question slipped out before he had time to think and Hiroto flushed, blood heating frostbitten cheeks and making the pink hue even darker. Luckily Aki didn’t seem to mind the rather intimate question, intimate at least when coming from someone he’d know for approximately three minutes. He just smiled that infectious grin of his and nodded, pointed over Hiroto’s shoulder.
“Just around the corner, down there,” he said and sadly indicated the other direction from Hiroto’s own apartment. “Moved in about a month ago.”
“Oh,” Hiroto nodded enthusiastically. “I live just down that way, but I haven’t seen you before. Guess the short time span explains it.”
He stopped himself just before blurting out ‘I would’ve remember someone like you’, but it was almost as if Aki heard the words. It was a ridiculous thought of course, but Hiroto didn’t know how to otherwise interpret the amused look he received. Aki had a way of looking at him that made him weak in the knees and brought flushes to his face, and he knew he needed to get over that; people like Aki, gorgeous perfect people with attitude and confidence, didn’t get interested in people like Hiroto.
“Well now that we’ve met I bet we’ll see each other more often,” the taller said. “I could use a friend, don’t have a lot of people to hang out with.”
Somehow that was hard to believe, but Hiroto was not about to reject an opportunity flat out shoving itself in his face. If anyone needed friends, people to hang out with, it was him. “I hope so,” he agreed and smiled brightly. “I can be a bit...vacant,” he giggled and Aki joined in, “but if you see me just call out, okay?”
“Will do,” the other promised. “Though I might pester you about what goes on in that dreamy head of yours then, just saying.”
Hiroto snorted softly, but Aki looked genuinely amused, curious, and no matter how he tried he couldn’t catch the butterflies that suddenly escaped and fluttered around in his stomach. “I doubt you’d find it interesting though, but sure,” he murmured.
“Let me be the judge of that,” Aki said and finally removed his arm from the wall, pushed himself back into a full stand rather than a slouched. “I get the feeling you belittle yourself Hiroto.”
It was hard to tell whether the blush springing back to the innocent face was due to indignation or embarrassment, but it was painfully obvious Aki had struck a nerve. Hiroto had never had the best of self-esteem, always the smallest, constantly picked on to the point where he somehow began to almost pick on himself. He wasn’t exactly proud of it but it’d become a defence mechanism of sorts, strike first, prove you don’t think all that much of yourself and hope others thereby left you alone. Sadly they had, to the point where Hiroto didn’t have a whole lot of people left in his life at all...
Looking up he was sad to see Aki had already disappeared around the corner and Hiroto vehemently fought the voice trying to tell him the other had wanted to get away as soon as possible. Aki seemed nice, genuinely nice and friendly, not at all the kind of person who would say one thing and walk away thinking something else. But then, how was Hiroto supposed to judge the character of someone he’d met five minutes ago? Sighing softly he tried to push the lonely feeling in his chest aside and turned the opposite direction he now knew Aki lived, headed towards his own apartment and a desperately needed cup of steaming hot tea.
- - -
“Hiroto? Hey, Hiroto!”
Hiroto turned around and tried to locate the person calling out for him. He didn’t really know anyone in this part of town, so it surprised him someone would want his attention. Truth be told Hiroto didn’t know a lot of people period. He’d lost contact with most of his childhood friends, and the ones who still called or texted every now and then lived almost on the opposite side of town. His family did too and he was under the impression they considered him something of the black sheep after he chose to study literature rather than business or accounting or something responsible like that. They were still talking, only not that often, and Hiroto was very aware of how his brother had the good job and a house he owned, the pretty wife and children to perfect the image.
In many ways it seemed unfair, his brother was nearly ten years older than him and had been encouraged to follow his dreams. Convenient as they were to become a business man and make money. Hiroto was proud of his brother, of course, and was happy he could do the things he wanted to do. But there was some small part of him that wished their parents would be as accepting about his own dreams as well.
“Over here,” was said on a giggle and Hiroto finally spotted Aki walking over. “Wow, apparently you’re both vacant and half-blind.”
The dark thoughts gathering at the back of his neck immediately vaporised when Aki smiled at him. Hiroto smiled back and tried not to blush, something he seemed to do an awful lot around the pretty man, but Aki was like an instant happy pill and he was not about to object.
“Hello, sorry, I didn’t see you,” he rambled out in one breath.
“You didn’t expect me to talk to you again, did you?” Aki said, studded eyebrow slightly raised in an all-knowing fashion but warm eyes filled with concern. “You should think more of yourself, you know.”
Protruding teeth bit down on soft flesh and Hiroto blushed deeper, not sure whether to like or hate the way Aki seemed to see straight through him. A car drove by, splashing slush up onto the sidewalk and the side of Hiroto’s shoe, but he barely noticed it, it wasn’t like his shoes weren’t soaked through already.
“I’m just...kinda used to people not really noticing me,” he admitted softly, for some reason oddly ashamed of his own behaviour, lack of confidence, etc. When no demeaning snorts, belittling words or similar were tossed his way, Hiroto dared to look back up at Aki, not really sure when he’d lowered his eyes.
“That’s really sad,” Aki said when their eyes finally met again. “You should make them notice you. Then again, easier said than done I guess.”
As if to make his point he looked around them, at the few people walking on the other side of the street, the woman smoking from her kitchen window two stories above them, the man getting into his car not 10 meters away from them; no one acknowledged their presence in the slightest. It was almost as if the conversation was not taking place, Hiroto thought, as if they weren’t even real and therefore couldn’t be seen or heard by anyone else.
“Hey, don’t give me that devastated look,” Aki said cheerfully. “Fuck people, I see you so that counts for something, right?”
Dragged out of his thoughts, the spiral so easily twirling down down down lately, Hiroto looked up at the other again. Aki was smiling, soft and slightly loopsided, the piercings glittering from whatever light they caught. Again the dark thoughts disappeared as rapidly as they’d arrived, simply from looking at the other.
“It does,” he confirmed. “It counts for a lot actually.”
“Good,” Aki said. “We should hang out, if you want to of course. I’m on my way somewhere right now, but I’m free all weekend.”
“Really?” Hiroto didn’t know which surprised him the most, that someone like Aki wanted to hang out with him or that he didn’t have any plans for the weekend. True he’d said he didn’t have too many friends to hang out with, but it was still hard for Hiroto to grasp. “That’d be awesome!”
He didn’t realise it himself, but anyone who had known Hiroto when he was younger would’ve recognised him just then. He was, by nature, a happy, curious, and spontaneous individual, but loneliness and a sort of standstill in life had weighed down on him to the point where he sometimes found it hard to even get out of bed. It was no fun to think he might be depressed, and it certainly wasn’t something he wanted to discuss with his family, but the thought had begun to prod at the back of his head. Having someone like Aki, a flashy gorgeous person who looked to be everything Hiroto secretly wanted to become, acknowledge him felt almost too good.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, a slight giggle tinting the words. “I’ve been feeling rather lonely lately.”
Perhaps it was weird to tell someone you’d just met such a thing, but Aki didn’t seem to mind and he was easy to talk to, almost as if they’d known each other for a long time rather than two short meetings on the sidewalk. Hiroto didn’t even think about what he admitted, which he would realise later was weird cause he had developed a tendency of second guessing himself, simply blurted it out because he felt like saying it. And Aki didn’t seem to mind, he just smiled and nodded slightly.
“I recognise the feeling,” he said. “It sucks, cause you know you should do something but you don’t feel up to do anything and we are being so fucking non-Japanese right now, are we not?”
For the first time in a while Hiroto laughed out loud, uninhibited and spontaneously. He nodded and mumbled some kind of agreement, which sparked a conversation about what was acceptable Japanese behaviour and what was not, which parts they agreed to and which felt slightly outdated. Aki didn’t remembered he had somewhere to be until Hiroto’s lips had a slightly blue tinge and he was already awfully late. They quickly exchanged phone numbers and promised to get in contact soon before Aki ran off and Hiroto went back home, any reason he’d had for leaving the apartment since long forgotten.
- - -
On Saturday afternoon Hiroto somehow found the confidence to push dial after having entered Aki’s number on his phone. Two signals later he was about to hang up, convinced it had been a bad idea to be the one to call, when the other picked up. It took a grand total of five minutes to decide Aki would come over to Hiroto’s place, things moving swift and natural as ever between them, and an hour later the door bell buzzed.
Aki looked stylish as ever, jeans clinging to thighs, what looked like a designer shirt beneath a gorgeous leather jacket. His hair was styled messily, making it look like he didn’t really, care and for the first time Hiroto realised he wore a little bit of makeup too. It was all completed by accessories Hiroto didn’t even know where to buy; bracelets, necklaces, earrings, rings and silver studs in lips and eyebrow. He almost felt like he was inviting a rockstar as he stepped aside and offered Aki to come in.
“I...like what you’ve done with the place,” Aki said as he took of his shoes, taking the opportunity to glance around the small apartment. “All things considered I mean.”
Again it was an open honesty Hiroto wasn’t used to, and one he had often missed in his everyday life. His apartment was a rat’s nest and everyone knew it, it was no different from any of the other apartments on the same block. Old buildings in vast need of renovation with no one to care about it, the people living inside too insignificant to argue against those who could do something. But Hiroto had tried to cover up dark spots on the floor with carpets and sitting pillows, holes and water marks in the walls were hidden behind posters and paintings in an odd combination of traditional and hyper modern, and little trinkets mixed with CDs, LPs and books both old and new.
“Thanks,” he said belatedly. “I just....collect up things I like.”
“Looks good,” Aki said and sounded genuine. “Personal.”
Turning around in a small circle, as if to take everything in, he finally stopped and looked at Hiroto. “So what do you normally do at home?”
The quick glance towards the TV and the game console in front of it sort of gave him away. He’d saved a long time to be able to buy a PlayStation 3 and every new game was a luxury he probably couldn’t afford, but it was something he liked to do and it gave him something to do when friends weren’t available.
“I like to play games,” he admitted. “I don’t have too many, but I like the ones I’ve got.”
He hadn’t even finished the sentence before Aki was over there, picking up games to inspect them, carefully putting them back in their proper place once he was done. Finally he held up one of Hiroto’s favourites.
“I love this,” he said. “Haven’t played it in ages though! You up for it?”
Considering the game had barely been out a year Hiroto doubted the statement, but he smiled and nodded. He owned two hand controls, luckily, and they spent the afternoon playing games and talking. He learnt that Aki was born in Tokyo, was an only child with no parents alive, and that he was a few years older than Hiroto himself. When they got hungry Hiroto ordered pizza and they picked at peperoni and melted cheese with the game on pause, swallowed it down with beer, and actually cleaned up after themselves before continuing. Before they knew it, it was dark outside
“I should probably head home,” Aki said and paused the game, the third they’d begun. “But I had a great day today.”
“Me too.” Hiroto smiled. “I’m glad you talked to me the other day.”
“So am I.” Aki smiled back at him and it was such a pretty sight Hiroto feared he might blush. He could see himself falling for the ridiculously pretty older man, and he really didn’t want to do that. Even in modern times homosexuality was mostly frowned upon and until Aki gave some kind of inclination of being anything but dead straight Hiroto wouldn’t want to risk their new friendship.
“We should do this again,” Aki said, then laughed shortly, perhaps realising it sounded like a bad cliche or breakup line. “Sooner rather than later, I really did have fun.”
He looked and sounded genuine and Hiroto nodded. “I have no plans for tomorrow,” he said, more a joke than not. Aki laughed as he got up. They shut off the game, forgot to save but didn’t really care. The next day they played more games, ordered Chinese takeout, and talked for hours. Hiroto hadn’t had such a great weekend in months.
- - -
“Can I ask you a very personal question?” Aki asked weeks later. Once again they were curled up on Hiroto’s sofa, a blue knitted blanket tossed over their legs which were almost touching where they sat leaned against an armrest each. Hiroto had been on his way home from work, a boring job at a supermarket where he was supposed to restock the paper and books section, when he’d run into Aki on the street and invited him over for hot cocoa to try and warm up. Winter had struck for real and it was icy cold outside.
“Sure,” Hiroto said and licked a bit of whipped cream from his upper lip. Over the past several weeks Aki had gone from a stranger on the sidewalk to one of the best friends Hiroto had ever had. He felt more comfortable about the older man than he did most of his childhood friends.
“Are you gay?” The normally so confident expression in Aki’s eyes wavered for a minute and then he lowered them altogether, looked far more nervous than Hiroto could remember ever having seen him. It didn’t stop the younger man from going pale though, then get slightly dizzy as all the blood rushed back to his head in a furious blush, more than enough confirmation of the statement.
He tried to splutter out some kind of acceptable answer, anything that wouldn’t immediately give him away even when he’d already blown his cover horrendously. The whole time Aki sat with his eyes lowered, chewing his lower lip and causing the piercings to clink against his teeth. A loose thread was slowly pulled further and further out of his shirt, leaving the cloth crinkled and imperfect, until Hiroto finally managed to shut himself up, out of poor excuses and bad explanations.
“I am,” Aki whispered then, voice only gaining strength as he continued talking. “And I know you’re not supposed to talk about it, but we talk about everything else and....” He took a deep breath. “And I think I kinda like you.”
Complete silence followed the statement. Hiroto stared at the older until Aki raised his gaze and met his eyes. They stared at each other for long moments more, Hiroto stunned silent as the very things he’d been hoping were suddenly shoved down his throat. He couldn’t even reply properly, just nodded his yes in small rapid movements. Aki’s entire face brightened as he smiled, but he didn’t move closer and Hiroto wasn’t sure if he was thankful or disappointed.
“So...just to clear things up here,” Aki said finally. “You are gay? And you...like me too?”
“Yes,” Hiroto finally managed to spit out, voice not even wavering when he finally found it. “I’m gay, but I didn’t dare bring it up since I didn’t know if you were, and I didn’t want you to disappear cause you got disgusted or something like that, because I do like you.”
A soft giggle was all he heard before Aki softly grasped his hand, lying unsuspiciously on the sofa after he’d managed to put the hot chocolate aside. “Then I think you should breathe, cause I don’t want you to pass out.”
His smile was soft but so bright and Hiroto felt all warm and happy inside realising it was meant for him. He even dared to move a little closer, encouraged when Aki tugged him closer still by his hand. Their knees touched and Hiroto felt little tingles travel up the skin on his thigh. He squeezed the fingers intertwined with his and felt the gesture returned. It was all brand new and exciting and he felt a bit like a young teenager out of his depth, only as he teenager he had never been curled up on the couch with another boy, definitely not one so pretty as Aki.
“So what do we do now?” he asked tentatively, figuring he might as well admit to being at a complete loss. “I’ve never done a whole lot of confessing, dating, or boyfriends.”
Aki’s head tilted to the side slightly. “How come?”
Hiroto bit his lip, the same annoying habit he’d had his entire life, and lowered his eyes. He still felt Aki’s fingers between his own and the older tugged on his hand softly as he spoke again, “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.”
“I never really...came out of the closet,” Hiroto explained still, talking even with the offer of staying silent. “I’ve known I’m gay for years, never really looked at girls at all, but I never met anyone who made me take the step.”
It was true but probably not the entire truth, and definitely not as bad as it might sound. Hiroto hadn’t looked for a boyfriend in his teens, content with friendships and having fun without getting intimate or into relationships. He had no idea what his parents thought about homosexuality, it had never been a topic in their house, but several of his high school friends had openly scorned gay people when the subject came up. In so many ways it had just seemed easier to not state that he too preferred boys over girls.
“No one knows?” Aki asked, head still slightly tilted and a look of worry in his eyes. Hiroto almost blushed, not from embarrassment but from happiness, at seeing such care directed at him.
“I have a few gay friends,” he admitted. “People I met as I grew up, started going out on my own. I am gay, I know I am and accept it. I just haven’t had a reason to go public about it.”
“It’s not easy, I know,” Aki admitted. “I don’t exactly flaunt it either. We can just take it easy you know, I don’t mind.”
Hiroto smiled and scooted a little bit closer, not feeling the need to reply beyond a content sigh as he leaned back against the couch. Aki copied his action and they sat cuddled close, knees and shoulders brushing and with their fingers still entwined on top of the blanket. It was nice, as relaxed and easygoing as every time they hung out, only exciting in a whole new way now that Hiroto knew Aki shared his budding feelings. He felt giddy and overwhelmed, yet much too relaxed to move from his spot, the thought he probably had a boyfriend now a bit too grand to fully take in just yet.
- - -
He did have a boyfriend and a perfect one to that. Aki kissed him on the cheek as he went home that first night, a seemingly innocent gesture turned so much more with the confessions shared. It took them nearly two weeks to share a proper kiss, and when they did it wasn’t perfect because they were nervous and tense, but it didn’t feel awkward afterwards. They simply laughed and tried again, enjoying and exploring as they learnt how the other felt and tasted.
Early on they made the decision to keep a low profile, meaning for example they didn’t go on dates. It should’ve been boring, but it never was. They cooked dinner together, watched movies, and played video games. Sometimes they sat curled up for hours just talking and touching innocently. Half the time Aki ended up spending the night, even when they hardly ever made plans for it, and it was equally amazing each time, because what Hiroto loved the most was waking up next to his boyfriend.
“Do you have a headache again?” Aki asked one such morning. Hiroto groaned and nodded slightly.
“It’s not too bad though,” he assured, sort of amazed by the fact Aki had even noticed. “Kick me out of bed and I’ll go have a shower, I’m sure that’ll help. It’s probably just tension.”
Aki gave him a soft kiss and nudged him to the edge of the bed. He still looked slightly worried, but Hiroto just smiled at him and got up reluctantly. More than anything he wanted to just stay in bed and cuddle, but he really hated having a headache and hoped to cure it before it got worse. To be honest he hadn’t been too stressed lately, work being dull as ever but with his private life being on top he hardly even noticed as soon as he was allowed to leave.
Stripping out of the boxers he wore to bed Hiroto relieved his bladder before popping a painkiller and hopping into the shower. Turning the temperature to just below scalding he stepped under the spray, bent his head down and hoped the water would loosen up his shoulders and ease the headache. It sort of worked, even if the joints popped and his muscles skipped beneath the skin as he tried to rolls his shoulders. At least it did until the bathroom door opened behind his back and Hiroto’s entire posture stiffened in surprised semi shock.
“Baby?” Aki asked from the door, not stepping fully into the room and eyes lowered modestly. “Are you feeling better?”
Steam made the room misty and fogged over the mirror above the basin. Hiroto stared through it, unconsciously licked his lips as he couldn’t quite make out Aki’s unclad upper body over the distance. He knew what it looked like though, even when he hadn’t seen too much of it in daylight he had most definitely felt it up at night before they fell asleep.
“Yeah,” he mumbled distractedly. “Definitely getting there at least.”
“Do you want me to massage your shoulders for you a bit?” Aki asked softly, still not crossing the threshold or looking up. Weeks and weeks later they still hadn’t gone beyond kissing and touching, pretty serious touching but they still wore clothes to bed. Hiroto seriously considered declining, feeling shy and insecure all over again though he had no idea why, it wasn’t like he was unfamiliar with sex or intimacy.
“Okay,” he said, much to his own surprise. “Just let me wash my hair.”
Aki glanced up briefly, probably trying to be sneaky about it but Hiroto caught him peaking, and nodded. He didn’t say anything as he turned around and went back to the bedroom, leaving Hiroto to wash himself quickly. Suddenly the idea of hot water wasn’t as appealing as the idea of warm fingers trying to loosen up the stiffness in his neck.
- - -
As it turned out those fingers caused more stiffness than they eased. Lying on his stomach with Aki straddling his lower back Hiroto didn’t know if he wanted to openly moan in pleasure or die from embarrassment. Aki was a good kneader, easily finding the sore spots and untangling the muscle knots, but his warm hands were having other effects as well.
“Feeling any better?” Aki asked, voice low in the silent room, words spoken in an almost intimate way. Or so it sounded to Hiroto who mumbled some kind of affirmative. Aki giggled. “Are you falling asleep on me? You only just got out of bed.”
A light blush crawled up Hiroto’s neck and cheeks. “No, I’m feelings quite...aroused.”
It was a very deliberate choice of word and he felt Aki stiffen above him, magic hands freezing mid movement. When he said nothing Hiroto dared to turn his head slightly to look over his shoulder, almost pinching the older’s hand between hi neck and shoulder as he did so. Aki was looking at him, a mixture of delight, desire and nerves all too clearly visible in his eyes. Hiroto realised right then that he wanted him, wanted more than the kisses and groping they’d shared so far.
He slowly twisted around so that he was lying on his back, his boyfriend suddenly straddling his hips instead. If Aki managed to miss the erection digging into his thigh Hiroto figured he’d have to find a new boyfriend. He unconsciously licked his lips as he let his hands land on the other’s knees and stroke upwards, sweatpants bundling beneath his palms as if to remind him he couldn’t feel skin.
“Please,” he whispered when Aki didn’t move his own hands from where they’d landed on his chest. For a moment he feared Aki didn’t want to take it further, but just as he was about to ask the older leaned down and kissed him heatedly.
Hiroto was finally allowed to feel skin beneath his fingertips as he moved his hands from thighs to back, taking advantage of the fact neither of them wore more than sweatpants. He felt Aki’s nails, short and blunt, dig into his skin softly and the kiss deepened even more. Aki hadn’t brushed his teeth, but Hiroto didn’t even think about it as he clung to the other’s muscled shoulders and raised his hips in a wordless plea.
Sweatpants were pushed aside, first Hiroto’s, then Aki’s, leaving them both rather naked all of a sudden. Normally Hiroto wore underwear, which could not be said about Aki, but he hadn’t put any on after his shower. When Aki curled slightly rough fingers around his erection he was not sorry for the fact.
The kiss broke when Hiroto’s head tipped back, breathy moans slipping out even as he bit his lower lip. “Why did we take so long to get here?” he asked mindlessly.
“No idea,” Aki mumbled, leaving open mouthed kisses all over the younger’s jawline and neck. His hand never stop moving, slow soft strokes that could never be more than teasing. It took Hiroto whining and thrusting up into said hand for things to move on, fingers to slip lower, lube to be produced from the bedside table. If Aki was amused by the half empty bottle he didn’t say, a bit too focused, it seemed, on his task.
One finger became two, then three and Hiroto had no idea how long Aki took in preparing him. Too long and not enough, because it felt way better than he remembered. Rocking back on them slightly he forced his eyes open, realising he’d had them closed almost the entire time. He wanted to say something, beg for more, tell that he’d had enough teasing and foreplay, but his mouth was too dry and the words got stuck in his throat because Aki looked so pretty hovering above him, staring into his eyes in a way that would’ve been impolite in any other setting.
Another kiss, softer and less rushed, and Aki retracted his fingers, replaced them with something else. For half a second Hiroto considered condoms, but then Aki was pushing in and he felt like he’d lost his mind. Some breathy version of Aki’s name slipped out and his head wanted to tip back again, only to be stopped by pierced lips and a strained “Look at me”.
It was over quicker than Hiroto would’ve liked, too much emotion and build up causing him to tip over the edge after only a few minutes. Aki followed him quickly, his dark eyes slipping shut as he released with a silent moan, tongue flickering out as if to chase any pleasure breathed out. Hiroto pulled him down afterwards, hugged him close and breathed in the smell of sweat and sex mixed with sleep and just pure Aki.
“That was...” He didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t sound terribly cliché and ruin the moment completely.
“Yeah,” Aki agreed nonetheless and Hiroto could feel his silent chuckle against his skin. Slowly he pushed up and met Hiroto’s eyes again. “Let’s not wait so long till next time.”
“I think I’ll wound you if you even get out of bed today,” Hiroto said grinning and clenched his muscles just because he could. Aki faltered for a moment and moved his hips almost on instinct.
“I see no reason to,” he said, rocking his hips softly as he leaned down and stole another kiss. Hiroto didn’t care if he’d have to survive the next day on painkillers and pure will.
- - -
Weeks shifted to months and before Hiroto knew it he’d been seeing Aki for two thirds of a year. He realised one morning, sitting by his kitchen window with a large mug of tea, waiting for the painkillers to take effect. With the thought also came the recognition that he was happy, or more accurately that he hadn’t been happy for quite a while before meeting Aki. Now he could admit to himself that he’d been lonely to the point where he felt abandoned even when in a crowd, like no one saw or noticed him at all. In the end he’d shied away and even stopped trying to gain any attention.
Everything changed, Hiroto thought, the day Aki put his arm behind him to make sure he didn’t fall into the slushy snow. It didn’t matter that they never went out to dinner or the movies, that Aki basically had no friends they could hang out with, or that Hiroto’s own were always too busy to meet them. Once he’d suggested they go to a club, a gay one where no one would care and they didn’t have to hide, but Aki had muttered something about not being a very good dancer and Hiroto had laughed about how adorably embarrassed he looked.
The memory made him smile softly and he closed his eyes around it as he took another sip of tea. Very soon the sun would peak above the horizon, the sky was a fantastic display of pale blue and orangy pink, and he really should move before the blazing rays hit his eyes. The headache was bad enough as it was.
A soft creek warned him Aki had entered the kitchen, the sound coming from the threshold objecting to being stepped upon for some reason, and he spilt no tea in surprised shock when warm hands settled on his neck. Aki massaged his upper neck ever so softly, moved his fingers up to massage and scratch his scalp as well, and Hiroto relaxed as best he could. He knew, even before the older said anything, that Aki knew, there was no reason for him to be up and moving at such an early hour.
“Call in sick baby,” he said softly, barely even a whisper as to not upset Hiroto’s head further. “Then go see a doctor, this is getting ridiculous.”
There was worry in his voice which Hiroto tried to ignore. He knew Aki was right, his headaches were increasing in both frequence and intensity. It was starting to scare him slightly, which made him all the more reluctant to go get checked. Consistent headaches couldn’t possibly be a good sign.
“Please,” Aki whispered even lower. “I’m worried about you.”
It was the best, perhaps the only, way to get him to agree and yet again Hiroto knew that Aki knew just that. He put the mug down and turned around, looked up at Aki just as he felt the first rays of sun against the back of his neck. The reflection on the offwhite cupboards was enough to send a spike of pain through his head. He winced and decided then and there to agree, if nothing else then because he liked the way Aki’s warm eyes softened when he opened his eyes again and carefully nodded affirmatively.
- - -
He didn’t like the nurse who first introduced herself to him. To Hiroto it made sense that hospital employees should be friendly, considering people came to them for help when they were sick or hurt, but the middle aged woman in front of him looked and sounded like he’d just ruined her day by showing up by her desk. He got to explain his condition, how he’d suffered ever increasing headaches for the past six months or so, and she asked a few routine questions. At one point Hiroto asked himself if she was trying to tell him to go home, nurse his own goddamn hangover and get help for his presumed alcoholism. He came very close to leaving before she finally told him to sit down and wait for a doctor to be available. Then he almost left because the wait was too long and the general murmur mixed with crying children and pacing people in the waiting room brought on another headache. He had no one to blame but himself though, or so he figured as he hadn’t called and booked a time in advance, and therefore he waited until his name was called.
From there on things moved rapidly. The doctor, a much more likable man than the nurse Hiroto had met before, listened to his story, asked in-depth questions about his medical history, and looked more and more serious the longer they talked. Finally he put his pen down and quite bluntly stated he didn’t like what he was hearing and wanted to do thorough examinations as soon as possible.
Hiroto was sent home with orders to come back first thing tomorrow morning and to not eat any breakfast before. Aki came over in the evening, one of the requirements Hiroto had made if he was to go to the hospital.
“What did they say?” he asked carefully, worry obvious in his eyes even as Hiroto could tell he was trying to hide it.
“That it didn’t sound good,” Hiroto replied honestly, feeling less scared than he supposed he should. It all just seemed unreal to him. “I’m to go back tomorrow for further examinations.”
He tried to give a recollection of what the doctor had said, probably missing half of it because he’d forgotten or not understood it. Towards the end of it he began to wonder why he wasn’t feeling scared, or at least worried, and looking up at his boyfriend he could see Aki was thinking the same. It was also easy to see Aki was worried enough for both of them, constantly biting his lower lip and pulling at his piercings.
“Do you think I’m stupid?” Hiroto asked finally, silence stretching out a bit too much for his liking after the story came to a stop. “I should be scared, right? These headaches are not normal and I should be scared because it could be something really bad and-”
Aki’s arms wrapping around his slim shoulders stopped the budding panic before Hiroto even realised it tried to sneak up on him. The older’s soft whispered words became a distant static behind the suddenly thrumming headache, blood pounding in his ears making it hard to hear anything. Perhaps he murmured something about it into Aki’s neck, maybe the other simply knew and lead him to bed instinctively. They even stopped by the bathroom so Hiroto could splash some cold water on his face and neck and swallow two of the brand new stronger painkillers the doctor had given him.
“Don’t go,” he begged when Aki made to leave him alone in bed. “Can you just, sleep with me for a little while?”
“Of course,” Aki said and slipped beneath the covers, jeans and all even though Hiroto didn’t notice. Hiroto was pulled up against a strong chest but allowed to keep his head on the pillow since even hearing a heartbeat felt overwhelming. He wasn’t sure if he fell asleep or actually passed out, but at least he didn’t have to feel the headache.
- - -
The following day found Hiroto pushed around half the hospital, nurses drawing blood and checking his blood pressure, doctors asking questions, prodding him with fingers and instruments, listening to his lungs and heart, before he was thrown into a CAT scan and told to stay completely still. Without food in his system the headache was guaranteed even had they not been the reason he was subjected to it all, and he wasn’t even allowed to take anything for it until the examinations were completed. Aki had offered to come with him once he woke up, having slept through most of the day as well as the entire night. Lying in the scanner and told when he was allowed to talk and when to even hold his breath, Hiroto wished he’d taken his boyfriend up on the offer.
Finally the doctor, Dr. Nakashima, sat him down, papers, x-ray plates and what test results he’d gotten back already in front of him. Hiroto felt the same kind of eerie cold calmness from the day before seep into him at the look the man gave him. He knew, even before being told, no good news were coming his way.
“Just tell me,” he begged when the doctor looked like he was about to start apologising or ease into it gently. “Please, what’s wrong with me?”
Perhaps it was the fact his voice didn’t waver or that his eyes didn’t tear up, Hiroto never learnt, but Dr. Nakashima turned one of the x-ray plates of his brain towards him and pointed to a prominent speck of white. Hiroto tried to swallow but it got stuck somewhere in the upper part of his throat.
“That’s a brain tumour Mr. Ogata,” he said, straightforward like Hiroto’d wanted it. “It’s what causing your headaches.”
He didn’t know how long he stared at the image. If Dr. Nakashima said anything he didn’t hear it, but there was no static noise or rushing blood to drown a voice out, so perhaps he was given time to try and take in the information. The white blob didn’t look all that big to him, definitely not dangerous, but all Hiroto knew about brain tumours was that people tended to die from them in movies.
“Am I dying?” he finally asked as he tore his eyes from the image and looked into Dr. Nakashima’s almost black but surprisingly gentle eyes. The doctor took a moment to reply, as if deciding on how much to give up, or perhaps simply how to phrase it.
“Yes,” he finally went it. “Unless you get treatment, a tumour like this is likely to kill you. You said yesterday your headaches occurred six months ago?”
Hiroto nodded. “At least that’s when I begun noticing them,” he said, voice still a lot stronger than he would’ve expected of himself. “They might’ve been there earlier, but I didn’t think about it. In the past half a year or so they’ve gotten really bad.”
Dr. Nakashima nodded and made notes, asked some more questions before putting his pen down. “Mr. Ogata, is there someone I can call for you? It’s not good to deal with something like this on your own.”
For a moment he considered asking the doctor to call Aki, but then he’d probably have to explain that Aki was his boyfriend and he didn’t want to out them without Aki’s permission. So he shook his head no and promised to tell someone as soon as he got home, to talk about it. Dr. Nakashima nodded slowly, not entirely satisfied with the answer or so it seemed to Hiroto, and picked his pen up again.
“I’m not a brain surgeon nor an expert on cancer,” he said. “But I have seen tumours such as yours before and I’m hopeful we’ll be able to operate. I’ll refer you to Dr. Ishikawa, he has spent his entire career specialising in brain tumours. You’ll be contacted as soon as he has an appointment available, but it might be a few days.”
Hiroto nodded again, it seemed to be the only thing he was capable of doing, and mindlessly touched a finger to the white stain on his brain. Dr. Nakashima was clearly reluctant to let him go, but somehow Hiroto talked himself out of the hospital. He walked home slowly, mindless of traffic and it was rather impressive he avoided getting into an accident. It would’ve been quicker to take the subway but he wanted to clear his head, as ironic as the statement might sound. Not that there was a whole lot to clear out, he felt altogether too numb and detached to have received the kind of news he’d just gotten. ’Shock’ a little voice at the back of his mind whispered and he assumed it was correct.
- - -
When Aki came over in the evening Hiroto was curled up on the couch. He hadn’t moved since he came home and when the cushion dipped as Aki sat down next to him every joint in his petite body complained from strain. Slowly he loosened the death grip he had around his knees and unfolded his legs, all of him squeaking and cracking in the process, before he leant into Aki’s embrace and hid his face against the other’s neck. It felt like he’d been holding his breath till the moment Aki wrapped his arms around him.
“Somehow I take it the doctor didn’t give you good news,” he whispered. He sounded scared, more so than Hiroto felt himself. He knew he should sit up, look his boyfriend in the face and tell him the truth, but it seemed easier to just stay somewhat hidden in the false safety Aki provided.
“I have a brain tumour,” he said simply, matter of factly as if it wasn’t a big deal even when he heard the other’s sharp intake of breath. “The doctor said he thought it could be operated, but he’s referring me to a specialist.”
“What if it can’t be operated?” Aki was still whispering and his arms tightened around Hiroto. It was the question he didn’t want to think about, the big ‘if’ that was all too real and all too scary. “Babe, what if they can’t remove it?”
“I don’t know.” He finally released himself from Aki’s hold and stood up, stumbled a little bit as a wave of headache and nausea rolled over him. A thread of fear was beginning to seep into his consciousness and he didn’t like it, it was easier to simply not think about it. “Dr. Nakashima said the specialist, Dr. Ishikawa or whatever, would get in touch with me about a time to see him. I guess I’ll know more after that.”
He already knew more, he’d been told his tumour would most likely kill him if he didn’t get treatment, and what treatment was there for a tumour besides removing it? Sure there was chemotherapy and what not, he’d heard about it but hadn’t really had a reason to look into the details, but cancer didn’t miraculously go away on its own. Hiroto had been a dreamer as a child, but he wasn’t so delusional as to think he could adopt an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ strategy and make it all go away. It might be out of his mind, but it wouldn’t be out of his brain.
The painkillers he’d gotten the first time he went to the hospital were still in the bathroom and he went there to get some. He just wanted to sleep, not at all ready to deal with the consequences of the information given him. Nor Aki’s reaction to it, which seemed far stronger, and probably a lot more accurate, than his own. He didn’t so much as look at the other when he moved on to the bedroom but his heart ached a little bit when Aki didn’t join him. For a moment he feared Aki would leave, but when the drugs combined with the stress of the day finally pulled him down into dreamless sleep he hadn’t heard the front door open or close.
- - -
Aki was in bed with him when he woke up, a warm cocoon of safety wrapped around him from behind. The sob caught in his throat and Hiroto realised just how afraid he’d been Aki would up and leave in the middle of the night. He grabbed hold of the older’s arm wrapped around himself and tried to pull his boyfriend impossibly closer.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he whispered, feeling the need to vocalise his thoughts and gratitude.
“Of course I am,” Aki said, voice low like he’d learnt to speak to spare Hiroto’s head but not hiding the slight offence at the suggestion he’d disappear. “I love you.”
It seemed he didn’t think at all before saying it and Hiroto’s thought process shock stopped. He didn’t know if it was minutes, seconds or moments before he turned around in the older’s hold, stared up at Aki who looked about as stunned himself. Eight months into their relationship they’d never said the words out loud. Hiroto didn’t know if it was weird or not, but he hadn’t realised he wanted to hear them until he did, perhaps even needed to just then. He knew Aki loved him, felt loved with all the things the older did for and with him, but to actually hear the words was better than he’d expected.
“I love you,” Aki repeated, stronger and more confident, obviously said after he’d had time to think them through. He pulled Hiroto into a tight hug and whispered against his ear, “And I’m not going anywhere.”
For the first time since Dr. Nakashima told him just how sick he actually was, Hiroto felt hot tears sting behind his eyelids. He buried into Aki’s neck, let the older hold him as he cried out his fears and worries, then cried more from the sheer pain the crying fit caused his head, and ended up crying harder still because that pain reminded him all over again he was dying from it. It was all a bad circle of pain and fear and he was too tired to stop the regrets beginning to crawl up on him. Things he hadn’t done when given the chance, dreams he might never get to fulfil, everything he’d yet to discover he wanted to do in the first place. Aki held him close through it all, whispered things Hiroto didn’t hear but appreciated none the less.
Eventually he fell asleep, too exhausted to be bothered even by the mind numbing headache. When he woke up Aki still had his arms wrapped around him and Hiroto finally returned the confession he’d been too out of it to say the night before.
Part 2