Moss on Stone -- Chapter 03
Title: Moss on Stone
Chapter: 03/05
Author: invisiblehabits
Beta: tingedwords
Genre: Angst/Light romance
Rating: R
Warnings: Implied malexmale sex, suicide attempt, terminal illness, violence, character death
Pairings: Kenzo/Hiroto, Tora/Hirot, Aki/Kenzo
Disclaimer: Don’t own, don’t know. Won’t make money unless you feel like paying me to read.
Summary: He could practically feel the knuckles caressing his cheek and the knowledge it was all in his head made his chest ache slightly.
Comments: Oh wow, this took longer than I intended it to, sorry about the wait. And it's a short chapter too, well shorter than the others at least. But I like this chapter, like one of the characters a lot here. Hopefully you will too. Enjoy!
- -
Hiroto lit another candle, the third, and smiled as he took in the image he’d created in front of Tora’s tombstone. It was still winter and too cold to bring flowers, but he’d found lanterns in pretty colours and although they would soon be destroyed by rain and sleet and frost they looked pretty now.
“Here you go, Tora. Something pretty to look at, though I’m not sure they’ll give you much warmth.”
In his head he could hear the older man chuckle and shake his head, say he didn’t need warmth where he was now. That was the true reason he spoke to Tora, because it made it easier to imagine his voice, hear his responses and reactions as if he was still alive. Perhaps it made him insane, but it brought him comfort and it harmed no one so he saw no reason to quit his behaviour.
‘He is here as always I see.’
Looking over his shoulder Hiroto watched Kenzo for a moment, small body seated on the same bench as always, curled in on itself against the cold and smoking. He wasn’t sure it should make him quite so happy to see the other was still wearing the mittens he’d given him.
“I honestly don’t know what to think of him.”
Turning back to the grave he absentmindedly trailed the carved out letters with his fingers, sighing softly as he wished once more Tora wasn’t gone. He was moving on yes, but it didn’t mean he didn’t miss the man buried in frozen soil beneath his feet.
“He is so...”
‘Bitter? Crass? Cruel?’
“No, not cruel... Do you really think he’s cruel?”
The lack of reply in his head was completed by an image, Tora’s characteristic look of one eyebrow raised in a clear unspoken question. No words had even been needed when he sent that look at someone and Hiroto smiled sadly, though he didn’t know if the sadness was for Tora or for Kenzo. Glancing briefly over his shoulder again he worried his lip softly.
“I don’t think it’s fair to say he’s cruel. He’s hurting, much in the same way I was, still am, only far, far more.”
In the six weeks or so since he’d gotten to see Aki’s grave, Hiroto was rather proud to say he and Kenzo had developed something of a friendship. He had learnt where Kenzo worked and where he lived, they met up for lunch a couple of times and coffee a lot more. Mostly they met at the cemetery and then moved on to some corner café or another, simply because it was too cold to stay outdoors for very long. Kenzo didn’t agree of course, he was quite content to sit and stare at falling snow with teeth clattering so bad they threatened to fall out, but Hiroto usually managed to pull him indoors.
“He’s definitely crass though, can’t argue there. But something tells me he always was, not sure why.”
‘And the bitterness?’
A soft wrinkle appeared on the normally smooth childlike forehead at the imagined question.
“I honestly don’t know why he is so bitter either, because I’m not arguing that he is. He doesn’t share much you know, not about Aki or other things that truly matter, that would explain.”
He could practically feel the knuckles caressing his cheek and the knowledge it was all in his head made his chest ache slightly.
“I miss you, you know. I’m trying to do what you told me to do and move on, but it’s hard. Everyone says I’m doing really well, but they don’t know me like you did. And they don’t understand...”
Tora had been a very social and likable person and Hiroto knew a lot of people were experiencing the loss of him; his family and friends, his colleagues and a bunch of other people who hadn’t really known him at all but still chose to grieve him for reasons Hiroto didn’t know. But none of them had been Tora’s lover, none of them had made the choice he’d made at the mere age of seventeen and stuck by it for six years. Six years he wouldn’t trade for anything.
“Kenzo would understand. Aki was more to him than a best friend, I can see it in his eyes.”
Looking over his shoulder again, he’d realised he liked looking at Kenzo, he sighed softly.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m pretty sure he’s not what you had in mind when you told me to find someone else but... I think I might be falling for him.”
It was illogical, Kenzo had given him little to no reason to like him. Except he’d trusted him enough to let him know about Aki, not much but Hiroto had a feeling it was a hell of a lot more than he’d offered anyone else.
‘Follow your heart Pon, it’s what you do best.’
“I’m scared.”
‘Scared you’ll end up hurt again? End up like him?’
He nodded slowly, eyes still trailed on the small smoking figure on the bench. Perhaps Kenzo felt him stare for he turned his head slightly, glanced sideways in Hiroto’s direction, eyes locking briefly and letting the younger know he knew he was there.
‘You know what to do Pon.’
“Yeah, I don’t want to be scared anymore. And I’m tired of being alone.”
‘Then go.’
Hiroto hoped Tora, wherever he was, wasn’t crying as he stood up on slightly stiff legs and walked over to Kenzo’s bench. To the one who was still alive, at least on the outside, and whose voice he could hear for real.
- - -
Something was wrong, Hiroto could tell so the moment he laid eyes on Tora. The older man was nervous, enough so to have sweat trickle down his temple and Hiroto felt worry seep into his system.
“What’s up baby?”
His mind was already painting pictures, all dark and hurtful, tinted with betrayal and emotional abuse. A few days ago he’d swallowed back his fears and given himself to Tora, because he was fairly certain what he felt inside when looking at the taller was love. Now he was afraid his feelings were not reciprocated after all, that Tora wanted to get rid of him and was simply nervous to tell him so.
“Pon, I need to talk to you.”
“What is it?”
It was barely a whisper, all the insecurity Tora had worked so hard to rub out returning in an instant. Tora saw it and it made him want to smack himself.
“Come here baby.”
Hiroto accepted the offered arms, despite the fear in his chest, and curled up on the tiny couch, felt the arms close loosely around him. Looking up at Tora he tried desperately to not be afraid while he waited for the other to say whatever was on his mind.
“Don’t look so scared, please.”
“I’m sorry, but...you seem so nervous.”
Tora didn’t reply to that, which in itself was enough of an answer, and for a long time they just sat in silence. Hiroto waited patiently, happy for each moment he got to stay by the older, and slowly he began to suspect Tora wasn’t trying to break up with him at all.
“Just tell me.”
He didn’t know what it was, only that Tora had something he needed to say and hearing it had to be better than nervously waiting for it to be said while his mind painted continuously darker pictures. Tora closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again fear was clearly visible.
“I’m dying Pon.”
“What? That’s not funny, Tora.”
But it wasn’t a lie, he could easily tell so when looking into the pale eyes he’d grown to love. Tora was scared, Hiroto had never seen him even flinch at anything before yet here he sat with nothing but blunt fear in his eyes.
“You can’t die...”
Tora wished he could make a promise not to, mostly because he didn’t want to die! But also because he could see the same fear he felt inside light up in Hiroto’s eyes and he wanted to protect the small man from anything that might hurt him, which right now was himself.
“I’m going to.”
He tightened his arms around the small body slightly, seeking comfort as much as giving it and Hiroto didn’t know if he should pull away or press closer. He wanted to run and hide, forget he ever heard anything about death, and at the same time his godforsaken curiosity and stupid desire to know more made him cling tighter. Or maybe that was the love he felt.
“Why?”
Why are you dying? Why can’t I keep you? Why did you make me fall in love with you if you knew?! Tora read all those questions into the whispered word, they were ones he imagined he would’ve asked himself.
“Several years ago I was diagnosed with CUP, carcinoma of unknown primary.”
It was the easiest question to answer really, he could reel off information about his illness in his sleep. So well sometimes he forgot not everyone else was equally informed.
“What does that mean?”
“It means there’s a tumour somewhere in my body, but the doctors can’t find it.”
“You’ve got cancer?”
Hiroto found it hard to speak in anything but whispers and there was still a strong desire to both up and run and hold on for dear life, however long that might be. Tora nodded slowly as the term was thrown out in the open.
“Yes, I’ve had surgery several times to remove metastasis tumours and gone through both chemo- and radiation therapy. But unless they find the primary tumour I stand little to no chance of survival.”
They were hard facts to process for a seventeen year old mind who had barely accepted he was gay, only recently fallen in love for the first time, and just given his virginity away. A few days ago he’d felt on top of the world, not an emotions he was familiar with, and like he could do anything as long as he had Tora. He had been happy! Now...now he didn’t know what he felt.
Tora swallowed thickly and carefully pulled his knuckles over Hiroto’s cheek in a sort of backwards caress. There were tears wetting the skin, but he wasn’t sure if Hiroto was aware of it himself.
“I’m sorry.”
It was his turn to whisper now.
“I meant to tell you earlier, but...”
He had no real defense though. Not telling was selfish on his behalf, especially since he’d taken Hiroto into his bed knowing full well what it was he was giving. The truth, for what it was worth, was that he didn’t want to lose Hiroto based on something he couldn’t control. It didn’t make his behaviour right or acceptable though.
“I need some time to think.”
The words sounded frightfully final, but Tora didn’t try to stop the small body as it released itself from his hold and stood up. Hiroto looked him in the eye for a good minute without saying anything, light reflecting in the wetness still on his cheek.
“I’ll call you.”
Tora bit his lip hard enough to break it as he watched the younger turn around and walk out the door. He wanted to run after him, beg him not to leave, say the words that lay on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t. He’d been selfish enough already, all he could do was give Hiroto the choice he should’ve had from the beginning.
- - -
Sitting down next to Kenzo, purposefully closer than usual, Hiroto wondered if this choice would be a good or bad one. He felt nervous, enough so to make his hands slightly clammy, but at least they didn’t shake as he lit up a cigarette. And Kenzo didn’t move away, that detail was very important.
- - -
Hiroto never called back. Instead he waited six days before going back to Tora’s and never bothered knocking once he got there. He walked straight through the front door and took a seat next to his very shocked lover on the same couch they’d been during their last conversation. Tora had almost given up hope, figured he’d scared the younger away or angered him beyond repair by not telling him the truth from the beginning. He had not expected Hiroto to walk through the door, the only thing giving away something was wrong the very grim look on his face.
“I tried staying away.”
He hadn’t expected that comment to be the first out of Hiroto’s mouth either.
“But it hurts, I don’t know why but it hurts not talking to you every day. I hate waking up alone and going to bed without having seen you all day. I feel misunderstood and get all insecure again when you’re not around.”
Hiroto finally looked up, met Tora’s pale eyes, and though the fear from a few days ago still lingered it was mixed in with determination.
“Is that love?”
Tora felt his throat contract at the question, reading the answer in warm brown eyes already.
“I think so... I’ve been so close to calling you all week, because not talking to you hurt me too. Every time I’ve turned around in bed at night the past few days I’ve woken up because something felt wrong.”
Something had been missing, the body he’d been sleeping next to almost every night for the past few months, long before they’d actually slept together.
“Do you love me?”
Hiroto sounded so much older than his seventeen years just then, but he looked even younger than he was. He always did, it came with his innocent eyes and petite frame, but it was intensified by the moment. Tora reached out, barely allowed his knuckles to touch the other’s cheek, but it was the first physical contact they’d had in almost a week.
“Yes I do. It’s why I told you. And why I waited so long.”
In there was an apology, a plea for forgiveness for allowing them to get so close before informing that they would inevitably be torn apart whether they wanted to or not. Hiroto grabbed his hand and turned it around, pressed the palm against his cheek and leaned into it briefly before kissing the knuckles that had every possibility in the world to harm him but only ever touched him softly. He was still holding Tora’s hand, resting it in his lap after he’d shifted so he was seated crosslegged and facing the older.
“How long have you got?”
He felt oddly calm asking it, much more so than he’d thought he would, and surprisingly Tora seemed equally calm in his reply.
“I don’t know. Years most likely, but there’s no way of telling how many.”
It was as if the pain was ebbing away as soon as they were together again, as if it got easier to talk about it once they’d made up their minds. True the words had not been spoken yet, but there was no reason for Hiroto to ask questions unless he meant to stay. And he asked questions alright, for a few hours they remained seated on the couch with Hiroto asking everything he could think of and Tora replying to the best of his ability.
In the end Hiroto looked up at Tora, curiosity sated for the time being and content with just being close. He felt older, more mature, than a few hours ago.
“I don’t want you to die, but I know I can’t do anything about it.”
He didn’t hesitate, didn’t choke or tear up in any way. He sounded sad at the prospect yes, but looking at him Tora felt more confident than ever he’d chosen the right person to trust and love.
“I won’t hold it against you if you leave.”
“And I make no promises I won’t.”
It was honesty at a level neither of them had experienced before. The words they spoke carried the potential of being very hurtful, but the way in which they were said made them comforting instead. There was no secrecy between them now, no false hope or empty promises.
“But right now I want to stay. I’m scared, I am, but I promised I wouldn’t let fear hold me back and I want to be with you.”
Hiroto cuddled closer, rested his head on Tora’s strong shoulder and closed his eyes. He felt exhausted and wished he could go to sleep right then and there, but he didn’t know if their conversation was over just yet. Tora had told him he loved him and it probably would’ve made sense for him to say the same thing, but even if he might feel it, which he was pretty sure he did, he felt no need to say the words this night and that was oddly comforting in and of itself.
Tora hugged the tiny body and buried his nose in the sweet smelling hair, trying desperately not to cry as he felt his fears ease and hope fill his heart. For the time being it seemed like he would get to keep Hiroto, and he honestly wasn’t sure if he deserved it or not.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me, I haven’t done anything.”
“You’ve done more than can be expected of you.”
“I’m just...following my heart.”
He might as well have said that he loved Tora, in many ways it was what he meant. But it also meant that he was doing something for himself, something he had chosen to do without influence from anyone else, and that felt good too. But he was still exhausted and Tora felt him yawn against his neck.
“Let’s go to bed.”
Hiroto nodded and mumbled something incomprehensible against pale skin, making Tora chuckle as he lifted the small body with ease. Tonight they would both sleep properly for the first time in almost a week.
Chapter: 03/05
Author: invisiblehabits
Beta: tingedwords
Genre: Angst/Light romance
Rating: R
Warnings: Implied malexmale sex, suicide attempt, terminal illness, violence, character death
Pairings: Kenzo/Hiroto, Tora/Hirot, Aki/Kenzo
Disclaimer: Don’t own, don’t know. Won’t make money unless you feel like paying me to read.
Summary: He could practically feel the knuckles caressing his cheek and the knowledge it was all in his head made his chest ache slightly.
Comments: Oh wow, this took longer than I intended it to, sorry about the wait. And it's a short chapter too, well shorter than the others at least. But I like this chapter, like one of the characters a lot here. Hopefully you will too. Enjoy!
- -
Hiroto lit another candle, the third, and smiled as he took in the image he’d created in front of Tora’s tombstone. It was still winter and too cold to bring flowers, but he’d found lanterns in pretty colours and although they would soon be destroyed by rain and sleet and frost they looked pretty now.
“Here you go, Tora. Something pretty to look at, though I’m not sure they’ll give you much warmth.”
In his head he could hear the older man chuckle and shake his head, say he didn’t need warmth where he was now. That was the true reason he spoke to Tora, because it made it easier to imagine his voice, hear his responses and reactions as if he was still alive. Perhaps it made him insane, but it brought him comfort and it harmed no one so he saw no reason to quit his behaviour.
‘He is here as always I see.’
Looking over his shoulder Hiroto watched Kenzo for a moment, small body seated on the same bench as always, curled in on itself against the cold and smoking. He wasn’t sure it should make him quite so happy to see the other was still wearing the mittens he’d given him.
“I honestly don’t know what to think of him.”
Turning back to the grave he absentmindedly trailed the carved out letters with his fingers, sighing softly as he wished once more Tora wasn’t gone. He was moving on yes, but it didn’t mean he didn’t miss the man buried in frozen soil beneath his feet.
“He is so...”
‘Bitter? Crass? Cruel?’
“No, not cruel... Do you really think he’s cruel?”
The lack of reply in his head was completed by an image, Tora’s characteristic look of one eyebrow raised in a clear unspoken question. No words had even been needed when he sent that look at someone and Hiroto smiled sadly, though he didn’t know if the sadness was for Tora or for Kenzo. Glancing briefly over his shoulder again he worried his lip softly.
“I don’t think it’s fair to say he’s cruel. He’s hurting, much in the same way I was, still am, only far, far more.”
In the six weeks or so since he’d gotten to see Aki’s grave, Hiroto was rather proud to say he and Kenzo had developed something of a friendship. He had learnt where Kenzo worked and where he lived, they met up for lunch a couple of times and coffee a lot more. Mostly they met at the cemetery and then moved on to some corner café or another, simply because it was too cold to stay outdoors for very long. Kenzo didn’t agree of course, he was quite content to sit and stare at falling snow with teeth clattering so bad they threatened to fall out, but Hiroto usually managed to pull him indoors.
“He’s definitely crass though, can’t argue there. But something tells me he always was, not sure why.”
‘And the bitterness?’
A soft wrinkle appeared on the normally smooth childlike forehead at the imagined question.
“I honestly don’t know why he is so bitter either, because I’m not arguing that he is. He doesn’t share much you know, not about Aki or other things that truly matter, that would explain.”
He could practically feel the knuckles caressing his cheek and the knowledge it was all in his head made his chest ache slightly.
“I miss you, you know. I’m trying to do what you told me to do and move on, but it’s hard. Everyone says I’m doing really well, but they don’t know me like you did. And they don’t understand...”
Tora had been a very social and likable person and Hiroto knew a lot of people were experiencing the loss of him; his family and friends, his colleagues and a bunch of other people who hadn’t really known him at all but still chose to grieve him for reasons Hiroto didn’t know. But none of them had been Tora’s lover, none of them had made the choice he’d made at the mere age of seventeen and stuck by it for six years. Six years he wouldn’t trade for anything.
“Kenzo would understand. Aki was more to him than a best friend, I can see it in his eyes.”
Looking over his shoulder again, he’d realised he liked looking at Kenzo, he sighed softly.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m pretty sure he’s not what you had in mind when you told me to find someone else but... I think I might be falling for him.”
It was illogical, Kenzo had given him little to no reason to like him. Except he’d trusted him enough to let him know about Aki, not much but Hiroto had a feeling it was a hell of a lot more than he’d offered anyone else.
‘Follow your heart Pon, it’s what you do best.’
“I’m scared.”
‘Scared you’ll end up hurt again? End up like him?’
He nodded slowly, eyes still trailed on the small smoking figure on the bench. Perhaps Kenzo felt him stare for he turned his head slightly, glanced sideways in Hiroto’s direction, eyes locking briefly and letting the younger know he knew he was there.
‘You know what to do Pon.’
“Yeah, I don’t want to be scared anymore. And I’m tired of being alone.”
‘Then go.’
Hiroto hoped Tora, wherever he was, wasn’t crying as he stood up on slightly stiff legs and walked over to Kenzo’s bench. To the one who was still alive, at least on the outside, and whose voice he could hear for real.
- - -
Something was wrong, Hiroto could tell so the moment he laid eyes on Tora. The older man was nervous, enough so to have sweat trickle down his temple and Hiroto felt worry seep into his system.
“What’s up baby?”
His mind was already painting pictures, all dark and hurtful, tinted with betrayal and emotional abuse. A few days ago he’d swallowed back his fears and given himself to Tora, because he was fairly certain what he felt inside when looking at the taller was love. Now he was afraid his feelings were not reciprocated after all, that Tora wanted to get rid of him and was simply nervous to tell him so.
“Pon, I need to talk to you.”
“What is it?”
It was barely a whisper, all the insecurity Tora had worked so hard to rub out returning in an instant. Tora saw it and it made him want to smack himself.
“Come here baby.”
Hiroto accepted the offered arms, despite the fear in his chest, and curled up on the tiny couch, felt the arms close loosely around him. Looking up at Tora he tried desperately to not be afraid while he waited for the other to say whatever was on his mind.
“Don’t look so scared, please.”
“I’m sorry, but...you seem so nervous.”
Tora didn’t reply to that, which in itself was enough of an answer, and for a long time they just sat in silence. Hiroto waited patiently, happy for each moment he got to stay by the older, and slowly he began to suspect Tora wasn’t trying to break up with him at all.
“Just tell me.”
He didn’t know what it was, only that Tora had something he needed to say and hearing it had to be better than nervously waiting for it to be said while his mind painted continuously darker pictures. Tora closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again fear was clearly visible.
“I’m dying Pon.”
“What? That’s not funny, Tora.”
But it wasn’t a lie, he could easily tell so when looking into the pale eyes he’d grown to love. Tora was scared, Hiroto had never seen him even flinch at anything before yet here he sat with nothing but blunt fear in his eyes.
“You can’t die...”
Tora wished he could make a promise not to, mostly because he didn’t want to die! But also because he could see the same fear he felt inside light up in Hiroto’s eyes and he wanted to protect the small man from anything that might hurt him, which right now was himself.
“I’m going to.”
He tightened his arms around the small body slightly, seeking comfort as much as giving it and Hiroto didn’t know if he should pull away or press closer. He wanted to run and hide, forget he ever heard anything about death, and at the same time his godforsaken curiosity and stupid desire to know more made him cling tighter. Or maybe that was the love he felt.
“Why?”
Why are you dying? Why can’t I keep you? Why did you make me fall in love with you if you knew?! Tora read all those questions into the whispered word, they were ones he imagined he would’ve asked himself.
“Several years ago I was diagnosed with CUP, carcinoma of unknown primary.”
It was the easiest question to answer really, he could reel off information about his illness in his sleep. So well sometimes he forgot not everyone else was equally informed.
“What does that mean?”
“It means there’s a tumour somewhere in my body, but the doctors can’t find it.”
“You’ve got cancer?”
Hiroto found it hard to speak in anything but whispers and there was still a strong desire to both up and run and hold on for dear life, however long that might be. Tora nodded slowly as the term was thrown out in the open.
“Yes, I’ve had surgery several times to remove metastasis tumours and gone through both chemo- and radiation therapy. But unless they find the primary tumour I stand little to no chance of survival.”
They were hard facts to process for a seventeen year old mind who had barely accepted he was gay, only recently fallen in love for the first time, and just given his virginity away. A few days ago he’d felt on top of the world, not an emotions he was familiar with, and like he could do anything as long as he had Tora. He had been happy! Now...now he didn’t know what he felt.
Tora swallowed thickly and carefully pulled his knuckles over Hiroto’s cheek in a sort of backwards caress. There were tears wetting the skin, but he wasn’t sure if Hiroto was aware of it himself.
“I’m sorry.”
It was his turn to whisper now.
“I meant to tell you earlier, but...”
He had no real defense though. Not telling was selfish on his behalf, especially since he’d taken Hiroto into his bed knowing full well what it was he was giving. The truth, for what it was worth, was that he didn’t want to lose Hiroto based on something he couldn’t control. It didn’t make his behaviour right or acceptable though.
“I need some time to think.”
The words sounded frightfully final, but Tora didn’t try to stop the small body as it released itself from his hold and stood up. Hiroto looked him in the eye for a good minute without saying anything, light reflecting in the wetness still on his cheek.
“I’ll call you.”
Tora bit his lip hard enough to break it as he watched the younger turn around and walk out the door. He wanted to run after him, beg him not to leave, say the words that lay on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t. He’d been selfish enough already, all he could do was give Hiroto the choice he should’ve had from the beginning.
- - -
Sitting down next to Kenzo, purposefully closer than usual, Hiroto wondered if this choice would be a good or bad one. He felt nervous, enough so to make his hands slightly clammy, but at least they didn’t shake as he lit up a cigarette. And Kenzo didn’t move away, that detail was very important.
- - -
Hiroto never called back. Instead he waited six days before going back to Tora’s and never bothered knocking once he got there. He walked straight through the front door and took a seat next to his very shocked lover on the same couch they’d been during their last conversation. Tora had almost given up hope, figured he’d scared the younger away or angered him beyond repair by not telling him the truth from the beginning. He had not expected Hiroto to walk through the door, the only thing giving away something was wrong the very grim look on his face.
“I tried staying away.”
He hadn’t expected that comment to be the first out of Hiroto’s mouth either.
“But it hurts, I don’t know why but it hurts not talking to you every day. I hate waking up alone and going to bed without having seen you all day. I feel misunderstood and get all insecure again when you’re not around.”
Hiroto finally looked up, met Tora’s pale eyes, and though the fear from a few days ago still lingered it was mixed in with determination.
“Is that love?”
Tora felt his throat contract at the question, reading the answer in warm brown eyes already.
“I think so... I’ve been so close to calling you all week, because not talking to you hurt me too. Every time I’ve turned around in bed at night the past few days I’ve woken up because something felt wrong.”
Something had been missing, the body he’d been sleeping next to almost every night for the past few months, long before they’d actually slept together.
“Do you love me?”
Hiroto sounded so much older than his seventeen years just then, but he looked even younger than he was. He always did, it came with his innocent eyes and petite frame, but it was intensified by the moment. Tora reached out, barely allowed his knuckles to touch the other’s cheek, but it was the first physical contact they’d had in almost a week.
“Yes I do. It’s why I told you. And why I waited so long.”
In there was an apology, a plea for forgiveness for allowing them to get so close before informing that they would inevitably be torn apart whether they wanted to or not. Hiroto grabbed his hand and turned it around, pressed the palm against his cheek and leaned into it briefly before kissing the knuckles that had every possibility in the world to harm him but only ever touched him softly. He was still holding Tora’s hand, resting it in his lap after he’d shifted so he was seated crosslegged and facing the older.
“How long have you got?”
He felt oddly calm asking it, much more so than he’d thought he would, and surprisingly Tora seemed equally calm in his reply.
“I don’t know. Years most likely, but there’s no way of telling how many.”
It was as if the pain was ebbing away as soon as they were together again, as if it got easier to talk about it once they’d made up their minds. True the words had not been spoken yet, but there was no reason for Hiroto to ask questions unless he meant to stay. And he asked questions alright, for a few hours they remained seated on the couch with Hiroto asking everything he could think of and Tora replying to the best of his ability.
In the end Hiroto looked up at Tora, curiosity sated for the time being and content with just being close. He felt older, more mature, than a few hours ago.
“I don’t want you to die, but I know I can’t do anything about it.”
He didn’t hesitate, didn’t choke or tear up in any way. He sounded sad at the prospect yes, but looking at him Tora felt more confident than ever he’d chosen the right person to trust and love.
“I won’t hold it against you if you leave.”
“And I make no promises I won’t.”
It was honesty at a level neither of them had experienced before. The words they spoke carried the potential of being very hurtful, but the way in which they were said made them comforting instead. There was no secrecy between them now, no false hope or empty promises.
“But right now I want to stay. I’m scared, I am, but I promised I wouldn’t let fear hold me back and I want to be with you.”
Hiroto cuddled closer, rested his head on Tora’s strong shoulder and closed his eyes. He felt exhausted and wished he could go to sleep right then and there, but he didn’t know if their conversation was over just yet. Tora had told him he loved him and it probably would’ve made sense for him to say the same thing, but even if he might feel it, which he was pretty sure he did, he felt no need to say the words this night and that was oddly comforting in and of itself.
Tora hugged the tiny body and buried his nose in the sweet smelling hair, trying desperately not to cry as he felt his fears ease and hope fill his heart. For the time being it seemed like he would get to keep Hiroto, and he honestly wasn’t sure if he deserved it or not.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me, I haven’t done anything.”
“You’ve done more than can be expected of you.”
“I’m just...following my heart.”
He might as well have said that he loved Tora, in many ways it was what he meant. But it also meant that he was doing something for himself, something he had chosen to do without influence from anyone else, and that felt good too. But he was still exhausted and Tora felt him yawn against his neck.
“Let’s go to bed.”
Hiroto nodded and mumbled something incomprehensible against pale skin, making Tora chuckle as he lifted the small body with ease. Tonight they would both sleep properly for the first time in almost a week.