You don't have to be sick to be dying...
This is silly. I’m writing this in my karate school in the little room reserved for the almost-out-of-work “Body Design” guy or little kids who need a playroom while their family takes class. There’s an entire wall of windows facing the parking lot, so a small boy with glasses just walked past watching like I’m a monkey. Now an infant is trying to talk to me, then running away screaming “Mommy!” ::Sigh:: The karate school.
Anyways, my point is that the thought struck me and I wanted to get this journal entry done. Justin’s class just started so there’s no typing this on my computer which is locked in his car. No, indeed I had to borrow the pen and paper I am writing on from Stephanie, the front desk girl. And my handwriting is worse already.
I’ve felt bad about the thought of “competing” for a friendship, even though I know that word is not applicable and no one is challenging me. Despite this, my brain is still hindered by the sickening feelings of abandonment and loneliness, even though I know that the former is most absurd. I know that this feeling comes from the fear of being replaced. I’ve always felt like my friends were given to me or presented through their own choosing rather than being made by me. I’ve been told that I have an external locus of control, and am just now applying that to a problem of my own exclusivity. While I meant to change thought pattern back then, I keep finding new and deeper (and definitely more depressing) ways that I can work on this retarded insecurity of mine.
No matter what natural or circumstantial proclivity a person has towards being a certain way, I refuse to believe that everything or only certain things cannot be changed. Whether or not a person is aware of this choice is a different matter. I, being aware of my choice, try to make personal negatives into positives for my own sake. This keeps me perpetually dissatisfied with myself, but in the long-run more worthy to live (assuming life really has a value.) But I digress.
[Now I’m back at home, two days later. I decided not to backdate that entry because it wasn’t really complete. More of a thought than an update.]
I’m trying to convince myself consciously that my unconscious is wrong when it tells me the only bond holding me to my friends is their desire to know me without regard to the other way around. On another level, though, I know this well and it comforts me.
I decided a while ago (and just a few hours ago figured how to put into almost perfect words) that the only important thing in the world is to be the most important thing in the world to someone else. Simple, right? Right now I am unimportant, and I feel it all the time. Maybe I’m extra-sensitive to things that remind me of that unimportance. I definitely don’t know how to grasp relationships by the haunches and hump them into submission yet, even though that’s a rough way to describe that particular weak point.
I believe I’ve yet to mention the fact that I got kicked out of my mom’s house. I no longer call that place home, but it’s been even longer since that place felt like a home. When asked “WHY?!?!” I left, I find it impossible to explain in an appropriate amount of sentences. My mind still has trouble with it, but basically my mom is really really dumb. She’s also very cynical, and even more ridiculous. These factors combined make for a very unpleasant experience when you’re living with them and in the end, after performing many unbearable acts like putting dirty rocks and a hose in my living/bed/bathrooms and almost killing my asthmatic friends with her dirty big fucking dog, she called me unreasonable and told me to leave. So I said, gladly. Since then I’ve been living at my other “home”, Justin’s house, while my dad has bought my second “home” near both my academic and karate schools. I’ve got a room in each, although I’m not sure what’s going to change once my home base becomes my dad’s house and Justin and I start taking turns packing again. As far as the room in my dad’s house goes, it needs a serious paint job, and everyone’s invited to help me paint it a nice shade of mint green the Sunday before Thanksgiving! There’s a fight between my dad and I going on about whether or not I’m going to take MY bedroom furniture out of my evil mother’s sty and arrange it in the new house, but that’s going to take weeks to work out since apparently that’s how long my dad takes to think about things that have to do with my mom or sister. He’s got a complex about disturbing my sister while her very delicate brain stands in a “balance” in the middle of my parents’ new-ish divorce. Because my sister’s been using my furniture at my mom’s house and ignoring her old bed and dressers, my dad thinks it makes sense to leave it that way and buy us both new sets over time rather than let me have my shit (cause lord knows I’m never spending another night at my mom’s place) and only buy my sister new furniture. Not to mention, buying things always happens “over time” with my dad and immediate necessities like a washer and dryer or sets of furniture are never worthy of immediate attention. Nevertheless, I forgive him everything because I and my sister are the things he loves most in this world, and I love him even more for his dedication and kind-heartedness.
Well it’s bedtime and this entry has taken me three days to finish. Boiling life down: school is still sucking, and I’m on the verge of not making HOPE AGAIN. Next semester will be interesting, both because of the new crazy schedule Justin made up today after three hours of hard labor and frustration and because of the classes that that might actually open up for me. Karate tourney in Perry happens this weekend, and I am under-prepared. Crystal and I keep finding more things to complain about: me about her, and her about my new hire. No matter, I think Crystal’s new hire, Marcia, is awesome and fun and I have lots of things to keep me and occupied, if not stressed. Finally, I have a new white 2004 Corolla S and a $4000 loan, and I love every inch of both. 30 miles to the gallon never felt so good.
...you might as well give in.
[Three minutes later]
After reading the sudden spurt of friend entries, I just realized that Amber and I both used "I digress" in our most recent updates. Seeing as that's not the most common of phrases but definately a very good one, I just wanted to point out the funny...and save myself the ridicule when people (person) see the time stamps and call me lame ;)
*edits* After a night of sleep and shower think-time, I decided that this entry didn't proportionately convey what's wrong with my life. My friends are incomparable in greatness and I'm so lucky that I get to spend time with them as much as I do, whether it's on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. I know that I am loved deeply, and the feeling is reciprocated. As Thanksgiving nears (as it always seems to do) I can, once again, count my blessings are realize that I have more than Jesus Christ himself. The internal dilemmas I complain about are often only that: completely internal with little effect to the "real" world. Maybe that's just insanity. As far as being unimportant, that declaration only pertains to the great big scheme of things. Obviously I stick around for reasons, be them mine and/or others.
Anyways, my point is that the thought struck me and I wanted to get this journal entry done. Justin’s class just started so there’s no typing this on my computer which is locked in his car. No, indeed I had to borrow the pen and paper I am writing on from Stephanie, the front desk girl. And my handwriting is worse already.
I’ve felt bad about the thought of “competing” for a friendship, even though I know that word is not applicable and no one is challenging me. Despite this, my brain is still hindered by the sickening feelings of abandonment and loneliness, even though I know that the former is most absurd. I know that this feeling comes from the fear of being replaced. I’ve always felt like my friends were given to me or presented through their own choosing rather than being made by me. I’ve been told that I have an external locus of control, and am just now applying that to a problem of my own exclusivity. While I meant to change thought pattern back then, I keep finding new and deeper (and definitely more depressing) ways that I can work on this retarded insecurity of mine.
No matter what natural or circumstantial proclivity a person has towards being a certain way, I refuse to believe that everything or only certain things cannot be changed. Whether or not a person is aware of this choice is a different matter. I, being aware of my choice, try to make personal negatives into positives for my own sake. This keeps me perpetually dissatisfied with myself, but in the long-run more worthy to live (assuming life really has a value.) But I digress.
[Now I’m back at home, two days later. I decided not to backdate that entry because it wasn’t really complete. More of a thought than an update.]
I’m trying to convince myself consciously that my unconscious is wrong when it tells me the only bond holding me to my friends is their desire to know me without regard to the other way around. On another level, though, I know this well and it comforts me.
I decided a while ago (and just a few hours ago figured how to put into almost perfect words) that the only important thing in the world is to be the most important thing in the world to someone else. Simple, right? Right now I am unimportant, and I feel it all the time. Maybe I’m extra-sensitive to things that remind me of that unimportance. I definitely don’t know how to grasp relationships by the haunches and hump them into submission yet, even though that’s a rough way to describe that particular weak point.
I believe I’ve yet to mention the fact that I got kicked out of my mom’s house. I no longer call that place home, but it’s been even longer since that place felt like a home. When asked “WHY?!?!” I left, I find it impossible to explain in an appropriate amount of sentences. My mind still has trouble with it, but basically my mom is really really dumb. She’s also very cynical, and even more ridiculous. These factors combined make for a very unpleasant experience when you’re living with them and in the end, after performing many unbearable acts like putting dirty rocks and a hose in my living/bed/bathrooms and almost killing my asthmatic friends with her dirty big fucking dog, she called me unreasonable and told me to leave. So I said, gladly. Since then I’ve been living at my other “home”, Justin’s house, while my dad has bought my second “home” near both my academic and karate schools. I’ve got a room in each, although I’m not sure what’s going to change once my home base becomes my dad’s house and Justin and I start taking turns packing again. As far as the room in my dad’s house goes, it needs a serious paint job, and everyone’s invited to help me paint it a nice shade of mint green the Sunday before Thanksgiving! There’s a fight between my dad and I going on about whether or not I’m going to take MY bedroom furniture out of my evil mother’s sty and arrange it in the new house, but that’s going to take weeks to work out since apparently that’s how long my dad takes to think about things that have to do with my mom or sister. He’s got a complex about disturbing my sister while her very delicate brain stands in a “balance” in the middle of my parents’ new-ish divorce. Because my sister’s been using my furniture at my mom’s house and ignoring her old bed and dressers, my dad thinks it makes sense to leave it that way and buy us both new sets over time rather than let me have my shit (cause lord knows I’m never spending another night at my mom’s place) and only buy my sister new furniture. Not to mention, buying things always happens “over time” with my dad and immediate necessities like a washer and dryer or sets of furniture are never worthy of immediate attention. Nevertheless, I forgive him everything because I and my sister are the things he loves most in this world, and I love him even more for his dedication and kind-heartedness.
Well it’s bedtime and this entry has taken me three days to finish. Boiling life down: school is still sucking, and I’m on the verge of not making HOPE AGAIN. Next semester will be interesting, both because of the new crazy schedule Justin made up today after three hours of hard labor and frustration and because of the classes that that might actually open up for me. Karate tourney in Perry happens this weekend, and I am under-prepared. Crystal and I keep finding more things to complain about: me about her, and her about my new hire. No matter, I think Crystal’s new hire, Marcia, is awesome and fun and I have lots of things to keep me and occupied, if not stressed. Finally, I have a new white 2004 Corolla S and a $4000 loan, and I love every inch of both. 30 miles to the gallon never felt so good.
...you might as well give in.
[Three minutes later]
After reading the sudden spurt of friend entries, I just realized that Amber and I both used "I digress" in our most recent updates. Seeing as that's not the most common of phrases but definately a very good one, I just wanted to point out the funny...and save myself the ridicule when people (person) see the time stamps and call me lame ;)
*edits* After a night of sleep and shower think-time, I decided that this entry didn't proportionately convey what's wrong with my life. My friends are incomparable in greatness and I'm so lucky that I get to spend time with them as much as I do, whether it's on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. I know that I am loved deeply, and the feeling is reciprocated. As Thanksgiving nears (as it always seems to do) I can, once again, count my blessings are realize that I have more than Jesus Christ himself. The internal dilemmas I complain about are often only that: completely internal with little effect to the "real" world. Maybe that's just insanity. As far as being unimportant, that declaration only pertains to the great big scheme of things. Obviously I stick around for reasons, be them mine and/or others.