pulling my hair out.

[invisibledanie]

im tired of it.
im tired of being treated like i dont matter.
i want to punch someone.
alot.
but i have to be good.
two people i respect very much have almost made me cry because of this person.
and this person doesnt even care about me.
someone else is more important.
all i can think about is everything they know.
and how much they probly make fun of me now, using everything they know against me.
but its so freakin easy for me to for give them.
i refuse this time.
no more forgiveing.
but i cant do that.
its un christian like.
its the exact opposite of what i have been trying to do.
i hate things.
i dont know what i hate.
im just frustrated.
very frustrated.
like, set my self on fire frustrated.
it makes me think i really dont matter.
it makes me feel extremly un needed.
im dont know what to do.
i cant even hate.
i have nothing to aim my anger at any more.
aiming at me makes other people mad.
aiming it at this agravating person does no good.
i have tried.
many a time.
so, i just sit and stupid wait.
i dislike waiting so much.
i dislike this stupid confusing feeling that wont go away.
it doesnt fade.
i just try to smother it, but it doesnt work, it just comes back and smacks me.
and i cry for days.
and people say its okay.
but its not.
they have to get tired of me.
im tired of me.what is wrong with me?
i mean really?
what do i do?
they dont care weather i live or die.
thats a great feeling.
being egnored.
and then i mention it.
and im dumb.
why cant this just be over and done with!?
why cant i be normal?
why cant i stop asking my self dumb questions?
i agrivate myself.