i have never felt so alone. ever

[invisibledanie]

i feel so un needed by anything and everything. thats what i thrive off of, being needed, and the one person that needs me, i cant even look at her. i need to vent, theres no one to vent to, so i will just explode. i havent actualy been hungry in days, my stomach hurts and thats it, i just starting craving stuff now, pizza lunchables, we have none. thats all i want. and i cant have it. i always want what i cannot have. whats wrong with me? im not good enough for the things/people/anything i want but anything that wants me, i have to pick apart til its nothing. this is why i trust so few people, i pick people apart. anyone who has any interest in me and tells me, i mean they could be a fantastic well mannerd guy but, "omgahh his eyes are to close together, his hands are weird, hes too needy, hes not needy enough, hes jelouse, hes not jelouse." friggen cows! whats wrong with me? my best friend makes one or two mistakes, and i dont even want to look at her, i cant, i have tried, i cant. i dont want to talk to her i think i do now, and i will say i will, but when the time comes, i turn in to this mean jerk. i cant help it. im afriad of everything, im actaualy a crazy person. like i feel like one. maybe this is the step you take before you kill your inlaws in your sleep? i dont have inlaws, so im good. but i just want to cry all the time, the people that will talk to me, and listen to me, wouldnt understand what im going through, the people that would understand are never around. even band. for the past five years of my life, that is been away to get away from everything, but now, no. i dont even want to go in the band hall anymore. but i tell you what. when i go down to the studio, and dance, even if it is a hour a week, when im in there with mrs cathy, and the mirrors and the lights, everything else just melts away. its just me. no grades to work out, no friend problems, no boy problems,no fear. in there, i have goals. i have things i need and want to do. at school, i have grades to keep up.mostly effortless except when you get sick and miss a few days,band is just boring. when im in dance, i can just close my eyes, its nothing but me, and the music. thats it. life is simple there, happy. dizzy, sometimes the spins get me, but other than that, i feel amazing. and even on the drive home, the addrinaline is still there, i have a big goofy grin on my face. then i wait another week. but now its thursday, and i need another hit, another fix. a drug i will never get tired of. Dancing. i think saturday i will go running in the morning, see how that goes. stress relief is what i need, maybe this will provide it. then maybe i wont be so crazy.
i hope not.
~ you have to be crazy to actualy read all my pathetic entrys~
                                               *Danie*