(no subject)
I almost erased this thing. I hated it. I hated what it had become. I've had a livejournal since 9th grade. Maybe even before then. Before it was cool. But right now I am glad that I have it. I am glad that I didn't listen to the little voice inside that screamed delete delete! Delete all those memories. Because it is times like this in utter desperation that I am glad that I have my words. I'm not sure if I'm sick. I'm not sure I even know what it feels like anymore to be healthy. I feel so sad,depressed, and miserable at everything. I feel so alone. YET I keep telling myself over and over and over again that I have no reason to feel this way. I look around me and see a lot of people that are suffering and for legitamate reasons and here I am crying over a couple of bad weeks at school. I guess I am a wicked perfectionist and when everything isn't perfect and I can't quickly fix it I cry. Maybe I am a control freak. I like to have control over my life, decsions, and future. And right now I don't have control over any of it. It makes sense why I never want to talk about the next coming years. While people are engaged and happy and thinking about internships I just keep on trying to make it though the damn day. I am sorry to whoever reads this. God only knows how incoherent and mispelled everything is. But, I guess it is a good indicator to how I am feeling lately. I guess it shows how when my perfection bubble breaks and if it breaks for a while I loose all motivation to do anything. It's painful for me to tell people I am a photography major lately and it's horrifying to have to keep printing and working in the photo lab when all I want to do is anything but that. It's not just photo it just feels like everything. I feel like there is this votex that sucks me in every three years and I climb, scratch, crawl my way out and yet it gets my every three years. I get the feeling of being on top to the world only to get thrown down under water and try to breathe while everything tries its best to drown me. I'm drowning but something won't let me erease myself.