I live.....kinda
I. Am. So. Tired.
What is it, middle of June already? Holy crap. So much that I did. Went to a Fall Out Boy concert and almost got into a moshpit. Went to my school's formal. Went to Six Flags for a field trip. Went to Washington D.C. for another field trip. Went to watch Star Trek. Hung out. Did school work. Won four awards in my school for academic crap. Won second place for an online writing contest. Found out my friend is doing drugs. So much crap. And. I Don't. Like It.
I swear, sometimes I wish everything would stop for a second so I could just relax, not think about anything except writing. I just want to write, dammit, and not compositions on Romeo and Juliet or Victor Hugo-esque character sketches but silly little fanfics on Kurogane and Fai. I never realized how much I would miss them until I sat down staring at the computer screen with my flash drive folder on, torn between writing the rest of that crackfic that I so desperately want to finish or to finish my english essay on Les Miserables. How pathetic, really.
And now finals are going by for our school and I just found out I got a B on my math final and as unimportant as that might seem, I don't want that B because I am a perfectionist and I can't handle not having As and it's so stupid but ack. And I'm supposed to study for french final tomorrow but I don't feel like it and I'm just so so so tired. I feel as though I'm constantly worried about something or another and maybe it's my fault for not telling someone about anything but I don't want to burden them and that sounds SO cliche right now but that's how I feel and argh. I need to just spill it out.
I'm worrying about my dad for not taking care of himself and continuing to eat even though he's already had surgery on his heart. I'm worried about my mum for worrying about him and us so much that she never takes care of herself and works overtime just to pay my sister's college tuition. I'm worried for my sister for starting to distance herself and getting moody and just not caring about anything except having fun. I'm worried about my friend doing drugs and drinking and trying out new stuff and going into a downwards spiral all because of a goddamn CRUSH on someone that has a girlfriend. And I'm worried about myself because I KNOW that I worry too much and I KNOW I start to think it's my fault if something happens and I KNOW that I might do something stupid because of that but I can't stop myself even when I know that.
Sometimes, I just want time with Kurogane and Fai. Is that really too hard to ask? As sad as I might sound, reading fanfics and watching amvs of them is what calms me down. They're so simple, aren't they? So complex in nature and personality but together, they're just simple and complete and nothing more needs to be said. I want something like that. Not even someone, i don't care if it's someone, just something simple and perfect that I can relax with.
I am so tired. I think I'll go to bed. Somehow, writing it out helps.
What is it, middle of June already? Holy crap. So much that I did. Went to a Fall Out Boy concert and almost got into a moshpit. Went to my school's formal. Went to Six Flags for a field trip. Went to Washington D.C. for another field trip. Went to watch Star Trek. Hung out. Did school work. Won four awards in my school for academic crap. Won second place for an online writing contest. Found out my friend is doing drugs. So much crap. And. I Don't. Like It.
I swear, sometimes I wish everything would stop for a second so I could just relax, not think about anything except writing. I just want to write, dammit, and not compositions on Romeo and Juliet or Victor Hugo-esque character sketches but silly little fanfics on Kurogane and Fai. I never realized how much I would miss them until I sat down staring at the computer screen with my flash drive folder on, torn between writing the rest of that crackfic that I so desperately want to finish or to finish my english essay on Les Miserables. How pathetic, really.
And now finals are going by for our school and I just found out I got a B on my math final and as unimportant as that might seem, I don't want that B because I am a perfectionist and I can't handle not having As and it's so stupid but ack. And I'm supposed to study for french final tomorrow but I don't feel like it and I'm just so so so tired. I feel as though I'm constantly worried about something or another and maybe it's my fault for not telling someone about anything but I don't want to burden them and that sounds SO cliche right now but that's how I feel and argh. I need to just spill it out.
I'm worrying about my dad for not taking care of himself and continuing to eat even though he's already had surgery on his heart. I'm worried about my mum for worrying about him and us so much that she never takes care of herself and works overtime just to pay my sister's college tuition. I'm worried for my sister for starting to distance herself and getting moody and just not caring about anything except having fun. I'm worried about my friend doing drugs and drinking and trying out new stuff and going into a downwards spiral all because of a goddamn CRUSH on someone that has a girlfriend. And I'm worried about myself because I KNOW that I worry too much and I KNOW I start to think it's my fault if something happens and I KNOW that I might do something stupid because of that but I can't stop myself even when I know that.
Sometimes, I just want time with Kurogane and Fai. Is that really too hard to ask? As sad as I might sound, reading fanfics and watching amvs of them is what calms me down. They're so simple, aren't they? So complex in nature and personality but together, they're just simple and complete and nothing more needs to be said. I want something like that. Not even someone, i don't care if it's someone, just something simple and perfect that I can relax with.
I am so tired. I think I'll go to bed. Somehow, writing it out helps.