(no subject)
I was originally going to write about the return of snow in poetic terms [something about sheets of powder diamond; and the shimmering rustle as the wind streams across with it; how I admire its beauty the same way I admire the glint of a blade in its lethality; mounds of fresh snow and how they resemble pillows, not the kind to sleep on, but for the dead to rest their crowns upon].
But that's all gone now, no mood. I called home to talk with my parents, but my sister ended up taking over the conversation by demanding to know if it was good or not for her to take Beginning Orchestra. Mind you, most people in orchestra by high school have been taking it since 4th grade, which I had originally encouraged her to do but in her defiance she had chosen flute--and therefore band--instead. She didn't like Marching Band, so she quit, and now she doesn't know what electives to take, and was essentially whining to me to tell her what to do. I told her it was probably too late to take orchestra, but that if she really wanted to, she could do it; at this, she just got snappy at me and started yelling something like "What should I do then, huh?" I told her to look through the high school list of courses and decide what she liked best and take that, but she wouldn't even do that, saying that she "always made bad decisions" and didn't want to make them anymore. I tried to assure her that her so-called "bad decisions" were all in her head, and that she didn't have to think of them that way, but she wouldn't listen to me...it's almost frightening, how constricting this fear of failure seems to be for her. It looks like she can't even move forward independently...I'm not sure how things will pan out from here. It's so odd, because she's always raging when we give input anyway, so you'd think that she'd be happier doing things alone. I don't know how to help her.
But that's all gone now, no mood. I called home to talk with my parents, but my sister ended up taking over the conversation by demanding to know if it was good or not for her to take Beginning Orchestra. Mind you, most people in orchestra by high school have been taking it since 4th grade, which I had originally encouraged her to do but in her defiance she had chosen flute--and therefore band--instead. She didn't like Marching Band, so she quit, and now she doesn't know what electives to take, and was essentially whining to me to tell her what to do. I told her it was probably too late to take orchestra, but that if she really wanted to, she could do it; at this, she just got snappy at me and started yelling something like "What should I do then, huh?" I told her to look through the high school list of courses and decide what she liked best and take that, but she wouldn't even do that, saying that she "always made bad decisions" and didn't want to make them anymore. I tried to assure her that her so-called "bad decisions" were all in her head, and that she didn't have to think of them that way, but she wouldn't listen to me...it's almost frightening, how constricting this fear of failure seems to be for her. It looks like she can't even move forward independently...I'm not sure how things will pan out from here. It's so odd, because she's always raging when we give input anyway, so you'd think that she'd be happier doing things alone. I don't know how to help her.