When?
Don't bother reading this. It's not very interesting.
So, today, I was sitting in the back of the classroom. No, this wasn't my class for the day; I had purposely slept through that this morning, reasoning to myself that I didn't have to go. I don't remember the reason now, of course, but it made sense while I was in bed. Few things seem to make sense now anyway to me, but that's another story.
Anyway, this classroom was room 216 at Carnegie Elementary School, on the South Side. I was taking observation notes on Algebra Labs, an afterschool program run by the Young People's Project and funded by the Woodlawn Children's Promise Community, our client for this year's public policy research practicum. I'm currently supposed to be writing up my summary of observations for that site visit, and submit that as part of my weekly report today [due yesterday, but I extended it til today].
In my current state of mind, I can say that it's probably not going to happen. As I was sitting there, in that classroom, I wondered why? "What is my problem?", I wrote, interrupting my observation notes. "I don't understand what is wrong...
"It's become absurd to say "Oh, I'm just lazy"; I've always been lazy, that can't be it. Can people decline so quickly?
"Watching these kids work today...yes, they were distracted by themselves and others, but they still got their work done. At what point did my distractions overwhelm my work?"
And so I thought. And it worried me. Distractions were always present when I was younger, but I see now that they were always finite; I would, no matter how engrossing, finally finish that book I couldn't put down, or become bored of that game I couldn't stop playing.
This current distraction though, it is different. It doesn't seem to be finite, in the sense of ending before my own life does; rather, it is life, or the thought of it, that is the distraction. External distractions are always momentary and end, I know this...but when does an internal distraction end? When does this end? When will it stop paralyzing me? Perhaps it will end when I finally find something I want to do...but how will that ever happen, if I'm stuck in a circle of futility, when I can't even put one foot before the other? Perhaps it will end when I finally, like other distractions, grow tired of it and somehow move on...but is it actually over then, or simply a pause before relapse? Perhaps it will end when I finally regain some sense of immediacy, when I can take things under my own control again somehow, when I'm not judged by constraints given by class and society...but that is absurdity, for who can escape the establishment? I guess there's really no point in wondering how it will happen. Perhaps then, I should be wondering when, for surely this distraction must end somehow, even with a final scenario of death. So, when?
So, today, I was sitting in the back of the classroom. No, this wasn't my class for the day; I had purposely slept through that this morning, reasoning to myself that I didn't have to go. I don't remember the reason now, of course, but it made sense while I was in bed. Few things seem to make sense now anyway to me, but that's another story.
Anyway, this classroom was room 216 at Carnegie Elementary School, on the South Side. I was taking observation notes on Algebra Labs, an afterschool program run by the Young People's Project and funded by the Woodlawn Children's Promise Community, our client for this year's public policy research practicum. I'm currently supposed to be writing up my summary of observations for that site visit, and submit that as part of my weekly report today [due yesterday, but I extended it til today].
In my current state of mind, I can say that it's probably not going to happen. As I was sitting there, in that classroom, I wondered why? "What is my problem?", I wrote, interrupting my observation notes. "I don't understand what is wrong...
"It's become absurd to say "Oh, I'm just lazy"; I've always been lazy, that can't be it. Can people decline so quickly?
"Watching these kids work today...yes, they were distracted by themselves and others, but they still got their work done. At what point did my distractions overwhelm my work?"
And so I thought. And it worried me. Distractions were always present when I was younger, but I see now that they were always finite; I would, no matter how engrossing, finally finish that book I couldn't put down, or become bored of that game I couldn't stop playing.
This current distraction though, it is different. It doesn't seem to be finite, in the sense of ending before my own life does; rather, it is life, or the thought of it, that is the distraction. External distractions are always momentary and end, I know this...but when does an internal distraction end? When does this end? When will it stop paralyzing me? Perhaps it will end when I finally find something I want to do...but how will that ever happen, if I'm stuck in a circle of futility, when I can't even put one foot before the other? Perhaps it will end when I finally, like other distractions, grow tired of it and somehow move on...but is it actually over then, or simply a pause before relapse? Perhaps it will end when I finally regain some sense of immediacy, when I can take things under my own control again somehow, when I'm not judged by constraints given by class and society...but that is absurdity, for who can escape the establishment? I guess there's really no point in wondering how it will happen. Perhaps then, I should be wondering when, for surely this distraction must end somehow, even with a final scenario of death. So, when?