and it's really cold outside.
we're here to see Corsten, from the netherlands. He's apparently bad ass and he's pretty good honestly. Worth the wait outside for 1.5 hours or so in the freezing cold. She of course dressed inappropriately. I push her off on a guy name pockets. He's her friend too. Pockets and her start to get to know me a bit.
Neither of them really understand me. It's hard to explain to them how I get to where I am and why I am the way I am.
I'm allergic to milk.
Pennisilin
Opiates make me go through withdraw.
Alcohol is a normal upper for me, but usually not a downer.
I don't usually get tired.
I'm an extroverted introvert.
Which means I seek out my own personal emotions from others around me.
I used to fight a lot.
I used to disappear a lot.
I've had a lot of sex.
I've had enumurous sexual partners.
No i'm not happy about it.
No i'm not happy about being the international rebound boy.
I haven't let someone near my heart in six years or at least not on purpose.
I'm an awkward solipsist.
I have this notion and these feelings that I may just understand my surroundings better than most people I meet. I may just understand the concepts of theology, as I have conversations with a guy at work who is getting a PhD in somethign religious. As we continue the conversations and I pull from memories 12 years old at least.
But why all this aggression?
Why did I want to sleep with so many women?
Why did I actually do it?
How did I actually do it?
Why do I feel a necissity in being honest, when i'm describing myself as temporary and transient.
That's what I feel I am. Temporary. You have me for your moments and then you are gone.
I am always here, always a constant, but the people, places and realities I experience are constantly changing and eluding myself.
As a level of truth i'm not so certain. I find myself doubting many of my personal experiences. I find my mind at a blank constantly. Nuetral to all experiences and feelings. Oh, how I long for love, but Oh! how I feel none at all. Such graces and pretty dresses, lovely ladies. From touch to good bye it always has felt shady.
I find myself walking women through my dark path of who I am. The shadows climbing ever higher as they approach my dark concieted core. To our surprise there is nothing inside. As we close our eyes and she says good bye, astonished by my maligned life. Is this existence? Is this life? It feels pathetic to me. Things used to feel so real and now? Now I stamor and I stupor and I make claims I feel great. I feel good, I feel great, no it's cool I don't love my mother. No it's cool, the economy is failing. Oh yea this one girl tore out my heart, I fucking hate her, but it's cool, it's cool. Hey? What happens when things stop being cool?
I used to do things because I wanted to. I used to do things because I wanted to sleep with women. I used to do things just because I could. Now I do things because I have to. I live in a world where want has morphed into need. I'm surrounded by proposterous idiots that blither and blather their nearly jovial existential problems, that they don't even realize exists. Then every time I think, man things could be worse, I meet another moron with a great idea. Usually about Obama being the antichrist. Holy, fucking, shit. I don't. Have. Time for. this. Even though i'm not a christian. Even though you read the bible more recently than I have. Allow me to show you, effortlessly why things things you believe are utterly untrue. I nearly converted him to Judaism, but the Rabbi's apparently loath people like me.
It's really fucking cold outside. Either i'm really fucking dumb and everyone are massively more inteligent than I am or life is not cracking up to be all it might have been revealed to me.
Neither of them really understand me. It's hard to explain to them how I get to where I am and why I am the way I am.
I'm allergic to milk.
Pennisilin
Opiates make me go through withdraw.
Alcohol is a normal upper for me, but usually not a downer.
I don't usually get tired.
I'm an extroverted introvert.
Which means I seek out my own personal emotions from others around me.
I used to fight a lot.
I used to disappear a lot.
I've had a lot of sex.
I've had enumurous sexual partners.
No i'm not happy about it.
No i'm not happy about being the international rebound boy.
I haven't let someone near my heart in six years or at least not on purpose.
I'm an awkward solipsist.
I have this notion and these feelings that I may just understand my surroundings better than most people I meet. I may just understand the concepts of theology, as I have conversations with a guy at work who is getting a PhD in somethign religious. As we continue the conversations and I pull from memories 12 years old at least.
But why all this aggression?
Why did I want to sleep with so many women?
Why did I actually do it?
How did I actually do it?
Why do I feel a necissity in being honest, when i'm describing myself as temporary and transient.
That's what I feel I am. Temporary. You have me for your moments and then you are gone.
I am always here, always a constant, but the people, places and realities I experience are constantly changing and eluding myself.
As a level of truth i'm not so certain. I find myself doubting many of my personal experiences. I find my mind at a blank constantly. Nuetral to all experiences and feelings. Oh, how I long for love, but Oh! how I feel none at all. Such graces and pretty dresses, lovely ladies. From touch to good bye it always has felt shady.
I find myself walking women through my dark path of who I am. The shadows climbing ever higher as they approach my dark concieted core. To our surprise there is nothing inside. As we close our eyes and she says good bye, astonished by my maligned life. Is this existence? Is this life? It feels pathetic to me. Things used to feel so real and now? Now I stamor and I stupor and I make claims I feel great. I feel good, I feel great, no it's cool I don't love my mother. No it's cool, the economy is failing. Oh yea this one girl tore out my heart, I fucking hate her, but it's cool, it's cool. Hey? What happens when things stop being cool?
I used to do things because I wanted to. I used to do things because I wanted to sleep with women. I used to do things just because I could. Now I do things because I have to. I live in a world where want has morphed into need. I'm surrounded by proposterous idiots that blither and blather their nearly jovial existential problems, that they don't even realize exists. Then every time I think, man things could be worse, I meet another moron with a great idea. Usually about Obama being the antichrist. Holy, fucking, shit. I don't. Have. Time for. this. Even though i'm not a christian. Even though you read the bible more recently than I have. Allow me to show you, effortlessly why things things you believe are utterly untrue. I nearly converted him to Judaism, but the Rabbi's apparently loath people like me.
It's really fucking cold outside. Either i'm really fucking dumb and everyone are massively more inteligent than I am or life is not cracking up to be all it might have been revealed to me.