Things Again
A 72 hour Skyclad marathon accompanied by working and watching Tyler's movies and working some more. Oh, and sleeping. Man. Sleeping sucks, because every time I wake up I think I've just woken up from reality; and it just... sucks. It takes me at least 10 minutes to believe that what happened has happened and nothing will ever change it.
The past week or so has been surprisingly good, with the few exceptions of extreme down points. I've been seeing less of Danny and more of Tyler; it's been a relief and a torture at the same time. This only furthers my belief I should just sever all human contact and, of course, go live in the woods, seeing as I dislike complaining about interpersonal relationships because it seems so adolescent. Indeed, it would be fitting for my age, but describing it seems childish and mundane... I do not understand attraction, friendship, or repulsion. It is a thing of mystery to me, and probably to a great many other people; I wish I could understand it, so I could control it, and harness the things I long to have. Perhaps my newfound closeness with the rest of my friends and my ability to spend more time just talking to people about things instead of just getting angry at Danny all the time has opened my eyes a little, and that there is more to a relationship than simply getting along. Sure, he's a good friend. But I just don't feel like being that close to him anymore... after over a year, I guess it's about time I've figured this out. We've been through a lot, but.. I believe it takes a lot to figure out a person. Along with... other things I know I'll never be happy with him, knowing there is one thing I will never stop being in love with - a strong, opinionated, intelligent mind. And, honestly... Danny just doesn't have that. He's average. I never settled for average. This is horrible to say, but there's nothing I love more than intelligence. It's so amazingly attractive, moreso than anything. Average is okay, but I am picky and I would at least like to not feel like I am talking to a wall sometimes. Sometimes talking to a wall is better because it doesn't feel offended when I say, "Oh, just nevermind." It makes me feel better knowing I will see Tyler tomorrow after he gets done with work. He's always a relief to talk to, even if we don't say much, or anything important.
I called Danny today and he told me how he felt there was no point to life. I assured him that he was right. Really, there is a kind of bleakness that comes with the gain of knowledge, the nihilism that accompanies new things. "Things will get better, just you wait." But they don't. Junior high? Damn bad. Moved here, was bad for awhile. It was good for a bit. Then it just went downhill from there. Small things, small things - leading up in a sort of exponential sadness and ferocity, culminating in graduation, a ceremony not attended by one of my dearest friends, being as the last thing he could attend was his funeral. Where are we now? Are we on the other side of the bell curve? How can things get worse? But then again, how can things get better? College - supposedly a wonderful thing. The people I saw there, though - no. Just... no. I realize that most of the population is consternated of a confusing amount of drooling, self-serving, quite lovable people, who are friendly enough because they lack the required grey matter to realize the world is not composed of rainbows and sunshine. Loose ends remain, the embodiment of humanity holds true to the ratio of the past: college is no different than any other stage in one's life. People are people - they change, but their changes are never that significant after their beliefs and personality has been founded. Society simply attempts to mellow those who are strict in their interpersonal opinions and contact, a rounding of the sharp corners of disliked opinions; a falsely compassionate attempt to reinforce, instead of encourage, ideas. My late experiences with normal people turning into crazy religious people who just want to help God's passage into one's life, the uncaring, loudmouthed but apathetic people who decide to drink themselves into oblivion because it is "fun", and the run-of-the-mill college student who decides college is a time to do everything because it's cool to do, and to be, what everyone else is doing and being. The regular. Nice enough, but not much different than the next person. Or the next. Or the next. Do their eyes ever open? Do they ever see what there is to see, instead of creating it themselves? It is comforting, ignorance - but I do not promote it. I think sometimes that it would be wonderful to be blissfully unawares of... well, everything. But I think again and know that it would be even worse. Despite the challenges that come with the ability to scrutinize, analyze, process and reject information given, the ability to think for oneself and the ability to be oneself instead of being someone else, though in emulation, the emulation becomes reality and no longer emulation, but a free-standing copy of the original. And in this way it festers. Although why the majority is not worth copying, yet still manages to replicate itself time after time... ? I do not know. Humans have progressed faster and moreso than anything else on this planet, and that concerns me. How come nothing has even come close to us in our inventions, our intellects, our dexterity and use resources - nothing. This fact bothers me. However, I suppose the species itself hasn't evolved much, just the social aspects and the resulting creations of. And, yet... we possess this mind, this body and these resources, we take this for granted and we don't do a damn thing with it. We take service jobs - we work for others, to others' ends. We do things for people, yet never evolve as people ourselves. We take what we have and do nothing - nothing. I don't know what we can do, but the possibilities are innumerable, to be sure. Anything, anything at all. I know too many people who cannot sit down simply to think, to take in the world and what we have done to it, to take the world and all of its people, the people who do nothing but travel in flocks and are bound by tradition, shackled in the past and the same in the future. They know nothing else. I can only hope that tradition is less shackling now than it used to be, rules and regulations looser and the irons of time are getting weak and rusty. Though I know hope is hopeless in itself, a light with no source, warmth, or substance, it still remains as an end-of-tunnel farce, a will-o-wisp leading travelers away from their possible goals. It is no good to hope. There is only trying, but we can only try in the dark and see what can be made of it... thinking, thinking not for other people but for ourselves, thinking from inside instead of taking what is given to us. It is so easy. Too easy. Too easy.
The past week or so has been surprisingly good, with the few exceptions of extreme down points. I've been seeing less of Danny and more of Tyler; it's been a relief and a torture at the same time. This only furthers my belief I should just sever all human contact and, of course, go live in the woods, seeing as I dislike complaining about interpersonal relationships because it seems so adolescent. Indeed, it would be fitting for my age, but describing it seems childish and mundane... I do not understand attraction, friendship, or repulsion. It is a thing of mystery to me, and probably to a great many other people; I wish I could understand it, so I could control it, and harness the things I long to have. Perhaps my newfound closeness with the rest of my friends and my ability to spend more time just talking to people about things instead of just getting angry at Danny all the time has opened my eyes a little, and that there is more to a relationship than simply getting along. Sure, he's a good friend. But I just don't feel like being that close to him anymore... after over a year, I guess it's about time I've figured this out. We've been through a lot, but.. I believe it takes a lot to figure out a person. Along with... other things I know I'll never be happy with him, knowing there is one thing I will never stop being in love with - a strong, opinionated, intelligent mind. And, honestly... Danny just doesn't have that. He's average. I never settled for average. This is horrible to say, but there's nothing I love more than intelligence. It's so amazingly attractive, moreso than anything. Average is okay, but I am picky and I would at least like to not feel like I am talking to a wall sometimes. Sometimes talking to a wall is better because it doesn't feel offended when I say, "Oh, just nevermind." It makes me feel better knowing I will see Tyler tomorrow after he gets done with work. He's always a relief to talk to, even if we don't say much, or anything important.
I called Danny today and he told me how he felt there was no point to life. I assured him that he was right. Really, there is a kind of bleakness that comes with the gain of knowledge, the nihilism that accompanies new things. "Things will get better, just you wait." But they don't. Junior high? Damn bad. Moved here, was bad for awhile. It was good for a bit. Then it just went downhill from there. Small things, small things - leading up in a sort of exponential sadness and ferocity, culminating in graduation, a ceremony not attended by one of my dearest friends, being as the last thing he could attend was his funeral. Where are we now? Are we on the other side of the bell curve? How can things get worse? But then again, how can things get better? College - supposedly a wonderful thing. The people I saw there, though - no. Just... no. I realize that most of the population is consternated of a confusing amount of drooling, self-serving, quite lovable people, who are friendly enough because they lack the required grey matter to realize the world is not composed of rainbows and sunshine. Loose ends remain, the embodiment of humanity holds true to the ratio of the past: college is no different than any other stage in one's life. People are people - they change, but their changes are never that significant after their beliefs and personality has been founded. Society simply attempts to mellow those who are strict in their interpersonal opinions and contact, a rounding of the sharp corners of disliked opinions; a falsely compassionate attempt to reinforce, instead of encourage, ideas. My late experiences with normal people turning into crazy religious people who just want to help God's passage into one's life, the uncaring, loudmouthed but apathetic people who decide to drink themselves into oblivion because it is "fun", and the run-of-the-mill college student who decides college is a time to do everything because it's cool to do, and to be, what everyone else is doing and being. The regular. Nice enough, but not much different than the next person. Or the next. Or the next. Do their eyes ever open? Do they ever see what there is to see, instead of creating it themselves? It is comforting, ignorance - but I do not promote it. I think sometimes that it would be wonderful to be blissfully unawares of... well, everything. But I think again and know that it would be even worse. Despite the challenges that come with the ability to scrutinize, analyze, process and reject information given, the ability to think for oneself and the ability to be oneself instead of being someone else, though in emulation, the emulation becomes reality and no longer emulation, but a free-standing copy of the original. And in this way it festers. Although why the majority is not worth copying, yet still manages to replicate itself time after time... ? I do not know. Humans have progressed faster and moreso than anything else on this planet, and that concerns me. How come nothing has even come close to us in our inventions, our intellects, our dexterity and use resources - nothing. This fact bothers me. However, I suppose the species itself hasn't evolved much, just the social aspects and the resulting creations of. And, yet... we possess this mind, this body and these resources, we take this for granted and we don't do a damn thing with it. We take service jobs - we work for others, to others' ends. We do things for people, yet never evolve as people ourselves. We take what we have and do nothing - nothing. I don't know what we can do, but the possibilities are innumerable, to be sure. Anything, anything at all. I know too many people who cannot sit down simply to think, to take in the world and what we have done to it, to take the world and all of its people, the people who do nothing but travel in flocks and are bound by tradition, shackled in the past and the same in the future. They know nothing else. I can only hope that tradition is less shackling now than it used to be, rules and regulations looser and the irons of time are getting weak and rusty. Though I know hope is hopeless in itself, a light with no source, warmth, or substance, it still remains as an end-of-tunnel farce, a will-o-wisp leading travelers away from their possible goals. It is no good to hope. There is only trying, but we can only try in the dark and see what can be made of it... thinking, thinking not for other people but for ourselves, thinking from inside instead of taking what is given to us. It is so easy. Too easy. Too easy.