[fic] Hands Off the Merchandise! (PG-13)
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, nor do I own any of the characters. I am not making any money or other profit from this fanfiction. It is purely for entertainment purposes only.
Warning: Language, possible OOC, humor, mild descriptions of girly parts
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Shinji/Hiyori one-sided
Dedication: To Kaiser969 on FanFiction.Net for giving me the idea for this fic. :)
Hirako Shinji considered himself to be pretty damn stealthy if he did say so himself. Not that too many people would disagree with him. Alright...that was mostly because he didn't brag about it. And Hiyori would certainly disagree with him. But, he was pretty sure half the time she disagreed with him just for the sake of disagreeing with him.
He would never really tell her, but he was pretty sure that even if he said something she totally agreed with, chances were she'd disagree with him for the hell of it. But, he didn't mind. Truthfully...he thought it was kinda cute.
Right now, however, he was not thinking too much about Hiyori. Everyone was gone at the moment, or so he thought, but he'd stayed behind. The purpose was in his hands. He'd decided to borrow some of Lisa's porn magazines. Not just the swimsuit magazines, but the actual porn. Hey, he was a healthy guy with a healthy libido! And he wasn't getting any. So, what did anyone expect? Lisa's porn was cheaper than going out to buy some for himself. It was free and it was very accessible.
Sure, he could've just asked and she probably would've let him look at her magazines. After all, she was pretty generous if you asked her first. And, true, the breach of privacy if she found out would piss her off if he got caught snooping and stealing, whether he intended to put it back or not. But, if he asked, then they'd all know he was staying at home, looking at porn and jacking off!
So, Shinji had decided to rely on his stealth and just made an excuse to stay home and borrow some of her stuff.
Little did he realize, though, Hiyori didn't believe a word of his excuse and had made an excuse of her own so that she could turn around and come back to the warehouse hideout and check up on Shinji to see what he was really up to.
She was surprised to see he was into Lisa's porn. But, she figured she shouldn't really be all that surprised. She frowned a little, though. What the hell?? All those leggy dark-haired girls. They looked more like Lisa than her. Not that...she expected Shinji to be looking at porn with girls that looked like her...it was just...well what the fuck was so awesome about those girls??
Oh, right...the long legs and the boobs...Hiyori did have breasts...but they weren't big. Not like Shinji seemed to like. Not like that Orihime chick. Not like that Rangiku chick, either. And not even as big as Lisa's.
But, she was a small girl! What did he expect?! If she had giant boobs, she'd be disproportionate, she'd look ridiculous, and she'd have back and shoulder pain all the time in the worst way!
Still, she had to wonder why she even cared what he thought! He never seemed to even look at her chest, so really she had no reason to even think he had an opinion one way or the other. He just seemed disinterested in her completely. Which...well, that was what hurt the most. And, it was also what caused her to be so pissed with him all the time. That, and the fact that she was afraid of letting him know how she really felt. If she let him know she liked him at all, even a little bit, then she'd be just like all those other women that had crushes on him. And, what if he pitied her? Or what if he got a swelled head over it? What if it was both? Agh!!
This line of thinking was really ridiculous! No matter what he thought, or would think, she couldn't do anything about it! But, it still pissed her off that he was looking at porn of women with big tits, long legs, and dark hair. Hmph.
She suddenly kicked his door in, letting her reiatsu be noticed now. She'd been hiding it before. “Oi, Retard!! What the hell?! Getting into Lisa's stash without permission?! I knew that line you fed us about not feeling well was bull!” she accused, pointing at him as she yelled.
“O-oi!!” Shinji had been surprised, he really needed to pay better attention! But, he'd really never thought any of them would come back so soon! He was just thankful he hadn't actually had his hand down his pants or anything, yet...that would've been awkward.
“Don't 'oi' me!” she yelled again. “You're dumb ass is grass! I'm gonna tell Lisa!” she grinned. “I don't even need to beat the shit out of you, I actually feel sorry for you!”
“Che. I don't care, go ahead and tell her!” Shinji answered as he got up. He might be aware that it was dangerous for Lisa to find out, but he wasn't going to show fear! Anyway, he was half hoping that if she didn't sense fear in him over it, she just wouldn't find it worthwhile to tell the other female Vaizard about it.
“Oh, I plan to.” she said with a sneer, grinning triumphantly. This would be payback for being interested in girls that were nowhere near her type!
“Tell me what?” Lisa asked, having come back with the rest of the Vaizard to check on them. It was decided it probably wasn't a great thing to have them both at the warehouse together, alone. They were just a bit worried that continuing with their plans and leaving Shinji and Hiyori alone in the warehouse for as long as they'd be alone would ensure that they'd come back to find the warehouse obliterated. And, besides, worrying about that would stop them from being able to enjoy themselves. So, they'd just returned. Lisa had gone to make sure they hadn't murdered each other in the short time they'd have been alone together, when she had heard them talking about her.
“L-Lisa...” Shinji's eyes widened.
“What...?” she asked, wondering what the hell he was so afraid of and what Hiyori could've possibly threatened him with involving her, when her eyes came to rest on what he had in his hand. A porn magazine. No! To be exact, HER porn magazine! There was one thing Lisa couldn't abide and that was blatantly stealing her things while she wasn't even around! If he'd asked, sure she would've loaned it to him, but this was the principle of the thing! It was a terrible pet peeve of hers!
“N-now, Lisa...darling...sweetheart!” he tried to sweet talk her, but really it didn't work...he was sounding a little too panicked to be smooth.
“Sweetheart nothing!” She yelled, lunging for him.
Shinji flashed out of her way, trying to get around her and out the door, but Hiyori blocked his way.
His eyes had never been so wide when he nearly collided with her. He flashed out of the way fast, but unfortunately...Shinji was cornered.
The others heard the fight, but not even Kensei was about to go up there and get in the way! Shinji was on his own with this one.
~Owari~