I want to dance the tango in chains
Why would I want to do that? Because I’m way into Latin dance bondage, of course. It’s a new and better kink than that silly one I had about doorknobs. Don’t know what I’m talking about? It’s perfectly okay. Neither do I.
Today will be encompassing all things sex and love and highly inappropriate infatuation... or at least as many as I can twist to my wicked ways
So. That day hath come. You know, THAT one. A day beloved by dentists second only to Halloween. A day that allergy sufferers march out their door armed to the teeth with antihistamines. A day in which lingerie is worn and discarded with more than usual care. A day that the lonely wish would be struck from the calendar. A day in which sugar is consumed, balloons are lost, and salt is rubbed into wounds.
I could go on and on in this general vein (and you know I could), but I think that’s enough of that particular list format. There are shorter, more succinct ones to move on to, but just in case you’ve managed to remain oblivious regarding what day it is, it is, let me break through that wall of denial and refresh your memory. Today is…
Loveless Liars Day…
National Cavity Day…
Single's Awareness Day…
24th Annual Jamey Day (!!!!!)…
Chocoholics Get A Free Pass Day…
Dying From The Allergic Reaction Day…
My Snookums Is Better Than Yours So Nah! Day…
Oh-God-I-Am-A-Fat-Hideous-Cow-And-No-One-Will-Ever-Love-Me!!! Day…
all better known as Valentine's Day.
This particular bout of rambling will honor that day... as only I can. I’ve been sickly lately and I still feel all fuzzy brained so it’s not as elaborate as it otherwise would have been… so BE THANKFUL FOR THAT! Also, if you were hoping for any kind of semblance of order or continuity, well, you haven’t really been paying attention, have you?
Go here and listen to “Business Time.” Trust me on this. (Oooh, Jemaine!)
I finally broke down and ordered a copy of the Office Kama Sutra: Being a Guide to Delectation and Delight in the Workplace. It is the best little book in the entire world! I also adore the reversible cover to hide the true title of the book. Love, love, love it. You can pretty much pick any page from 9-112 and come away with a hilariously quotable line.
Lust puppet. I can’t remember what the context related to it is, but I’ve got those words scribbled down as part of my list o’stuff to mention. So insert your own meaning! LUST PUPPET!
I am saddened that the annual Valentine’s Day mix CD did not arrive from grandlarseny yet. I feel neglected and unloved and woeful, and LAAAAARRRRSSSSSSS, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME????
There are books out there dedicated to hooking MBTI personality types up romance-wise! Insert an absurd amount of glee on my part here because the reading is bound to be entertaining to me. And it was. Among other things, I learned that as an INFJ I am a “Mystic Writer” (I’ll be giving out fortunes before the night’s over) and that asking me about my astrological sign is apparently actually a pretty damn good way of picking me up. Who’d have thought it? I also need an itinerary provided to me on all outings that could possibly be considered dates and possess hidden “volcanic passion.” Thar she blows, baby!
The book also included a notation about Single Booklovers, recommending it as a way to find that elusive perfect soulmate because it’s “a way for smart men and smart women to connect.” Such pretensions aside, it’s been around since 1970… and it shows. And, of course, I looked! Curiosity would demand no less, and those of you who know me well know I am slave to my curiosity. (Also, books! Booooooooooks!)
Poking around among ads from people quite old enough to be my sugar parents did lead me to a new Best Quote Ever though:
"It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window"
Farewell, My Lovely (1940), Raymond Chandler 1888-1959
I love it! I'm not sure what exactly he means, but I have an active imagination!
The word of the day is “vociferous.” Voh-sif-er-uhs. (Say it. It’s fun.) Making, given to, or marked by noisy and vehement outcry. Crying out noisily, clamorous.
What does it say about me that when an older man finds me attractive I find him to be pedophilic? It says that I think I’m still 16 and I think he's a creepy sonuvabitch with boundary issues, that's what it says. I must emit ultrasonic radar waves or something because I just attract the weird ones, let me tell you. For those in the know, no, I haven’t actually heard from him since December and, yes, I’m still quite disturbed.
When you say “dumbass, cockteasing bitch” in anger, what you really mean is an expression of frustration towards a “naive, oblivious, immature little girl.” Note that, although one may be true, neither one of those helps your case at all.
“Push me deep into your English channel” is one of the more interesting phrases I’ve ever heard. If it’s actually not intended as a euphemism or come on, it really should be.
My sense of time is really quite special. It just hit me a few weeks ago that I’m closing in on 4 years since Josh. Now, granted, that’s been cognitive knowledge for quite awhile, but the real awareness of the sheer passage of a great length of time? I hadn’t thought about that. And what an excuse it is! And it doesn't matter what it's an excuse for! I can use it to explain away anything and everything. I mean, I probably won't really, but I COULD and who would doubt it? All I have to do is wail "but it's been 4 years!" and let people come to their own conclusions about what I mean. Conclusions that will ultimately lead to me getting my own way. I am not above emotional manipulation or blackmail.
To whoever sent me that purple heart Passion candygram back in high school, whether you meant it in friendly jest or cruelty (in which case you obviously didn’t know the depths of my youthful cynicism), I am still impressed by the economy with which you utilized the space given to you. And, yes, every year about this time, I am still all overcome with curiosity. It is a tragic character flaw.
I’ve been loving all the commercials about things to buy your sweetie, particularly the car ones--because nothing says you love me like buying me a car. Want to really know my thoughts on that? I'm glad you asked! My answer will almost totally depend on whether or not we share a bank account and/or credit. Because making a major purchase like a car is not really something that you want to spring on your better half as a SUH-PRIIIIIIIZE!! I’m always saddened that the commercials cut away from the happy couple before the “hell to pay” moment.
I love Valentine's Day, really I do. All that pink and red and the plushies and the candies and the lace and those disgusting chalk-flavored candy hearts that nevertheless give me such warm fuzzies when I run across a particularly witty or sarcastic one. Speaking of… love me, loathe me? It makes little difference for my purposes (though I do love you and you and you and you and, most especially, you). No matter how you may feel about me you can buy me these. <3333s
And I leave you with my favorite condom song. If only American sex ed was so entertaining:
Today will be encompassing all things sex and love and highly inappropriate infatuation... or at least as many as I can twist to my wicked ways
So. That day hath come. You know, THAT one. A day beloved by dentists second only to Halloween. A day that allergy sufferers march out their door armed to the teeth with antihistamines. A day in which lingerie is worn and discarded with more than usual care. A day that the lonely wish would be struck from the calendar. A day in which sugar is consumed, balloons are lost, and salt is rubbed into wounds.
I could go on and on in this general vein (and you know I could), but I think that’s enough of that particular list format. There are shorter, more succinct ones to move on to, but just in case you’ve managed to remain oblivious regarding what day it is, it is, let me break through that wall of denial and refresh your memory. Today is…
Loveless Liars Day…
National Cavity Day…
Single's Awareness Day…
24th Annual Jamey Day (!!!!!)…
Chocoholics Get A Free Pass Day…
Dying From The Allergic Reaction Day…
My Snookums Is Better Than Yours So Nah! Day…
Oh-God-I-Am-A-Fat-Hideous-Cow-And-No-One-Will-Ever-Love-Me!!! Day…
all better known as Valentine's Day.
This particular bout of rambling will honor that day... as only I can. I’ve been sickly lately and I still feel all fuzzy brained so it’s not as elaborate as it otherwise would have been… so BE THANKFUL FOR THAT! Also, if you were hoping for any kind of semblance of order or continuity, well, you haven’t really been paying attention, have you?
Go here and listen to “Business Time.” Trust me on this. (Oooh, Jemaine!)
I finally broke down and ordered a copy of the Office Kama Sutra: Being a Guide to Delectation and Delight in the Workplace. It is the best little book in the entire world! I also adore the reversible cover to hide the true title of the book. Love, love, love it. You can pretty much pick any page from 9-112 and come away with a hilariously quotable line.
Lust puppet. I can’t remember what the context related to it is, but I’ve got those words scribbled down as part of my list o’stuff to mention. So insert your own meaning! LUST PUPPET!
I am saddened that the annual Valentine’s Day mix CD did not arrive from grandlarseny yet. I feel neglected and unloved and woeful, and LAAAAARRRRSSSSSSS, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME????
There are books out there dedicated to hooking MBTI personality types up romance-wise! Insert an absurd amount of glee on my part here because the reading is bound to be entertaining to me. And it was. Among other things, I learned that as an INFJ I am a “Mystic Writer” (I’ll be giving out fortunes before the night’s over) and that asking me about my astrological sign is apparently actually a pretty damn good way of picking me up. Who’d have thought it? I also need an itinerary provided to me on all outings that could possibly be considered dates and possess hidden “volcanic passion.” Thar she blows, baby!
The book also included a notation about Single Booklovers, recommending it as a way to find that elusive perfect soulmate because it’s “a way for smart men and smart women to connect.” Such pretensions aside, it’s been around since 1970… and it shows. And, of course, I looked! Curiosity would demand no less, and those of you who know me well know I am slave to my curiosity. (Also, books! Booooooooooks!)
Poking around among ads from people quite old enough to be my sugar parents did lead me to a new Best Quote Ever though:
"It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window"
Farewell, My Lovely (1940), Raymond Chandler 1888-1959
I love it! I'm not sure what exactly he means, but I have an active imagination!
The word of the day is “vociferous.” Voh-sif-er-uhs. (Say it. It’s fun.) Making, given to, or marked by noisy and vehement outcry. Crying out noisily, clamorous.
What does it say about me that when an older man finds me attractive I find him to be pedophilic? It says that I think I’m still 16 and I think he's a creepy sonuvabitch with boundary issues, that's what it says. I must emit ultrasonic radar waves or something because I just attract the weird ones, let me tell you. For those in the know, no, I haven’t actually heard from him since December and, yes, I’m still quite disturbed.
When you say “dumbass, cockteasing bitch” in anger, what you really mean is an expression of frustration towards a “naive, oblivious, immature little girl.” Note that, although one may be true, neither one of those helps your case at all.
“Push me deep into your English channel” is one of the more interesting phrases I’ve ever heard. If it’s actually not intended as a euphemism or come on, it really should be.
My sense of time is really quite special. It just hit me a few weeks ago that I’m closing in on 4 years since Josh. Now, granted, that’s been cognitive knowledge for quite awhile, but the real awareness of the sheer passage of a great length of time? I hadn’t thought about that. And what an excuse it is! And it doesn't matter what it's an excuse for! I can use it to explain away anything and everything. I mean, I probably won't really, but I COULD and who would doubt it? All I have to do is wail "but it's been 4 years!" and let people come to their own conclusions about what I mean. Conclusions that will ultimately lead to me getting my own way. I am not above emotional manipulation or blackmail.
To whoever sent me that purple heart Passion candygram back in high school, whether you meant it in friendly jest or cruelty (in which case you obviously didn’t know the depths of my youthful cynicism), I am still impressed by the economy with which you utilized the space given to you. And, yes, every year about this time, I am still all overcome with curiosity. It is a tragic character flaw.
I’ve been loving all the commercials about things to buy your sweetie, particularly the car ones--because nothing says you love me like buying me a car. Want to really know my thoughts on that? I'm glad you asked! My answer will almost totally depend on whether or not we share a bank account and/or credit. Because making a major purchase like a car is not really something that you want to spring on your better half as a SUH-PRIIIIIIIZE!! I’m always saddened that the commercials cut away from the happy couple before the “hell to pay” moment.
I love Valentine's Day, really I do. All that pink and red and the plushies and the candies and the lace and those disgusting chalk-flavored candy hearts that nevertheless give me such warm fuzzies when I run across a particularly witty or sarcastic one. Speaking of… love me, loathe me? It makes little difference for my purposes (though I do love you and you and you and you and, most especially, you). No matter how you may feel about me you can buy me these. <3333s
And I leave you with my favorite condom song. If only American sex ed was so entertaining:
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