There Are A Million Different Versions Of Myself.
Probably shouldn't have watched with my family. If anybody else saw, Foreman outed Number Thirteen as Bisexual. =/ My brother and dad were in the room and they just didn't say anything when it happened. Except my brother. Who just exclaimed "omg. now she's even more hawt." thanks. way to make it less awkward. especially since he knows. Don't get me wrong. Now I love her even more. I mean she's really compassionate and objective. Then we found out she had Huntington's Disease and now she's bisexual. I can totally relate. And yes. She is super hawt.
I don't know if my dad knows. My guess is yes. He kind of figured out when I liked Geri when I was dating Kyle. Kind of. It scared the shit out of me. If my mother ever found out. She would absolutely hate me. And I'm not making this up. And don't even say: she's your mom. she'll love you no matter what. My friend from Dreyfoos came over who is gay and also has trouble with his mom over winter break and we all played cranium. we talked about his work (forever 21) and how the people there were soooo much nicer than delia's and so was the stuff (not as expensive and more unique) and we talked about go back racks and whatnot. my mom and i went to forever 21 maybe a week ago to go shopping and i wanted to see if he was working but he wasnt. then out of the blue when we went to see the new library she just said "that daniel kid is kind of....strange...don't you think? i mean....why does he work at forever 21...?" and i was like..."....yeah mom. it's cause he's gay." >.> i've been watching mtv and some gay couple will be on and my mom is like ugh. that is the most disgusting thing i've ever seen. ugh. *shivers* they don't do that in puerto rico. they don't have that where i'm from. in latin america. nobody does that. if she ever found out. i would disgust her. i don't think it would be the same again. her whole life surrounds her children and she's really lonely. she wants a clean house, she wants the neighbors to think highly of us and she wants to take care of her children. who don't really need that anymore. it just annoys us now. in all my life i will never quit working to stay home and take care of a family. she's so lonely. she talks to the dogs which is a sign of extreme lonliness. i try to help but shes always busy cleaning.
if she found out she wouldn't love me anymore. and at the very least she would love me in an obligated way.
how much can you love someone you find digusting?
how much can you love someone you find repulsive?
where does obligation end and truth begin?
let's be honest. at the very least,
it would never be the same.
i never really talk about it. to anyone. i try to laugh my bisexuality off. i try to laugh a lot of stuff off. I really hate that she actually hates me.
It's so stressful. It is so fucking stressful. I'm trapped in the house where a ticking time bomb could go off any minute. One day she'll find out. She'll find out because I have a guilty conscience.
She'll find out the day I move out and my student loans are paid off and I don't need my parents anymore. It is stressful. It is so fucking stressful. I'm picking at my skin right now and it is making me feel so much fucking better. I try to deal with it and day by day nothing really happens that brings it up. But every once in a while it's something like this where I just hate it. And I can't get passed it. And I can't talk to anyone. And I need to. I need to fucking talk to someone. Someone who won't tell me that it's a phase or that she won't really hate me. Someone who will tell me that it's gonna be okay. I kind of want to call Andrew but he's playing magic and he's busy and I don't want to bother him because he is probably the best thing that ever happened to me.
If you wanna talk about it with me. You have to. Because I need you. Whoever you are.
It's hard living in a house where your mother loves the person she only believes you to be,
While hating, loathing, despising the entity that you really are.
My mother doesn't know it, at least not yet,
but she really truly despises my being.
But most importantly,
What would the neighbors think?
Eviscerate your fragile frame.
And spill it out in the ragged floor.
A thousand different versions of yourself.
Which one do you love the most?