Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open. - John Barrymore
There's one thing for certain when it comes to how happy I am about having livejournal access again....I have a place to turn to for ranting and just babbling. Long ago, I would have linked all of my blog sites together one way or another, but that was back in the time when I believed that I was entitled to my own little slice of space on the world wide web without it being invaded by those who have no business prying into my life. Sure, I understand that posting on the internet comes with its own set of rules and regulations, but some people seriously need to take a step back and re-evaluate their need to cause unnecessary drama. That is a topic better suited for another time.
At the present moment, Phillip has no idea about livejournal or that I use it. For the time being, that is how I would like it to stay. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely NOTHING to hide. I am 100% completely devoted to this man. I have no interest in keeping secrets, and should he ever ask me about the things that I will write in here, I will not hesitate to tell him what I'm thinking and/or feeling. With that said, just because I have nothing to hide, doesn't exactly mean I should necessarily volunteer information either.
Many of you have seen me over the years struggle with not only friendships, but relationships as well. One bad seed after another has come along to tarnish every bit of hope I had for humanity. After Jeremiah, I never thought I'd open up to anyone again. EVER. I pretty much closed up my emotions for good when it came to the idea of love. So many things go against me when it comes to relationships. My mental disorders for one. While I am fine most of the time, I have severe issues when it comes to large numbers of people at one time, which makes leading a decent productive life rather difficult...not to mention the occasional depressive episodes, though I have found the more closed off I am to the world, the less often they come. Then there is the issues I deal with concerning the soon to be ex husband and his family. That is where the major downfall came with my relationship with Jeremiah. Basically, they made it impossible to be together. In a nutshell, in order for me to see my son, I had to give up my relationship with him. While I cared for him deeply, I was in no position to choose a man over my child. NEVER.IN.A.MILLION.YEARS. What they did was wrong, but I see their logic, even if they didn't know the entire story. None of that matters now though.
After all the years of unhappiness, I finally found myself in a position to where I could be completely and utterly content with being alone. Sure, I missed certain things about being in a relationship, but for the most part I was content to spend my time wrapped up in a good book, writing my poetry, drawing, singing, and spending time with Malachi as much as possible. I simply stopped looking. Was I invited on dates? Oh, yes, frequently. Did I ever accept them? Rarely. I just wasn't interested. Imagine my surprise when I start talking to a guy from myspace and find that not only do I seem to get along with him, but we have mutual interests.
Now, I'll be the first to admit I went WAY outside of my comfort zone when I met him. I am not a stupid woman. I know better than to EVER go to a mans house when you've not only met him online but have only talked on the phone and internet. Yet, despite my nerves and anxiety, I knew I had to meet him. So, there I was...on the bus...heading to his apartment. I'm normally not someone who puts a lot of thought into physical appearance when I think of dating someone, but the moment I laid eyes on him he took my breath away. He's a little bit shorter than I normally would date, but it didn't matter. His looks, while impressive, don't really matter to me at this point...but we'll get to that in a little while. Anyway, I wasn't at his apartment for more than 10 minutes before I started to feel the anxiety slipping away moment by moment only to give way to a comfortability that I haven't had with someone in quite some time. I felt safe. I have to admit, I immediately developed a crush. ^_^
From that moment on we started spending a lot of time together, at least it seemed like a lot of time by my standards (keep in mind I rarely spend time or go out with anyone) and the more I learned of Phillip, the more I started to like him. There was not only a mental connection, but a sexual one as well. I would LOVE to share all the wonderful details of what this man does to me physically, but if he was to EVER be able to read this he would be mad. Hes a man who doesn't share his conquests like most others do and likes to keep his sex life private. *sigh* It sucks, because DAMN I wanna brag. Oh well. Lets just say that his touch is electrifying and takes my breath away at every moment.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that Phillip is perfect, because he's not. He has flaws. We all do. What I can say is that things I usually find annoying in others, I find absolutely adorable in him...with the exception of his stubbornness. I don't know who is more stubborn....him or me. Surprisingly, I can't think of a time we've butted heads too bad yet, which is always a good thing.
We've both been really hurt in the past and we have our fair share of inner demons and walls built around ourselves. Our protective little barriers. He is breaking down mine faster than I would like. Every day I find another small detail about him that I absolutely adore, and I fear the day I fall completely in love with him. I am getting so attached. It isn't safe for me to get so attached so quickly. It'll only lead to heartache. I'd like to think that things will work and we'll both have a chance at being truly happy, but life has dealt me a hand with a stacked deck. One thing is for sure, if we don't work out...it won't be because he'll be unfaithful. I know he'd never cheat on me. That's one thing I'm confident about. He'd simply break up with me if he had the desire or temptation to do so....which I completely understand. If we don't work out...it'll be because things just simply wasn't working or one/both of us was unhappy.
He told me today that he was getting attached to me too, which I know was a big step for him. I told him a couple of days ago that I was getting attached...and I remember the lump in my stomach I felt the moment I said it. I was so afraid he would bail. Instead, I'm sitting in his apartment...my stuff neatly placed throughout. He's seems to like what I've done to the place. I feel at home here.
Just.Don't.Let.Me.Fall.In.Love!!!!!!
I'm just not sure I know how to handle all of this. Seriously. I've never been in a relationship where the man saw me as an equal rather than a possession, slave, etc. He asks my opinion. Cares how I feel. Wants to know what I think. The other night we slept in separate beds and he crawled into the bed I was in and cuddled me just for a bit. I'll admit I still struggle a LOT with insomnia, and I can see that posing a big problem in the immediate future. Sometimes I'll lay in bed for hours without falling asleep just so I don't wake him up getting in and out of bed, often watching him sleep. He always looks so peaceful and innocent....even with the snoring. Haha I don't mind that he's a bed hog. I don't mind that he moves around a lot in his sleep. I just like laying next to him, occasionally caressing his hand or hair, breathing in the smell of his skin and wonder how I got so lucky to meet a guy like him. I really don't think he realizes how special he is.
Bah! Anyway...now that I have completely rambled on about Phillip, I'm going to go. I don't want to flood everyone's friends page with my nonsense, though I know some of you love mushy posts like this.
^_^
At the present moment, Phillip has no idea about livejournal or that I use it. For the time being, that is how I would like it to stay. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely NOTHING to hide. I am 100% completely devoted to this man. I have no interest in keeping secrets, and should he ever ask me about the things that I will write in here, I will not hesitate to tell him what I'm thinking and/or feeling. With that said, just because I have nothing to hide, doesn't exactly mean I should necessarily volunteer information either.
Many of you have seen me over the years struggle with not only friendships, but relationships as well. One bad seed after another has come along to tarnish every bit of hope I had for humanity. After Jeremiah, I never thought I'd open up to anyone again. EVER. I pretty much closed up my emotions for good when it came to the idea of love. So many things go against me when it comes to relationships. My mental disorders for one. While I am fine most of the time, I have severe issues when it comes to large numbers of people at one time, which makes leading a decent productive life rather difficult...not to mention the occasional depressive episodes, though I have found the more closed off I am to the world, the less often they come. Then there is the issues I deal with concerning the soon to be ex husband and his family. That is where the major downfall came with my relationship with Jeremiah. Basically, they made it impossible to be together. In a nutshell, in order for me to see my son, I had to give up my relationship with him. While I cared for him deeply, I was in no position to choose a man over my child. NEVER.IN.A.MILLION.YEARS. What they did was wrong, but I see their logic, even if they didn't know the entire story. None of that matters now though.
After all the years of unhappiness, I finally found myself in a position to where I could be completely and utterly content with being alone. Sure, I missed certain things about being in a relationship, but for the most part I was content to spend my time wrapped up in a good book, writing my poetry, drawing, singing, and spending time with Malachi as much as possible. I simply stopped looking. Was I invited on dates? Oh, yes, frequently. Did I ever accept them? Rarely. I just wasn't interested. Imagine my surprise when I start talking to a guy from myspace and find that not only do I seem to get along with him, but we have mutual interests.
Now, I'll be the first to admit I went WAY outside of my comfort zone when I met him. I am not a stupid woman. I know better than to EVER go to a mans house when you've not only met him online but have only talked on the phone and internet. Yet, despite my nerves and anxiety, I knew I had to meet him. So, there I was...on the bus...heading to his apartment. I'm normally not someone who puts a lot of thought into physical appearance when I think of dating someone, but the moment I laid eyes on him he took my breath away. He's a little bit shorter than I normally would date, but it didn't matter. His looks, while impressive, don't really matter to me at this point...but we'll get to that in a little while. Anyway, I wasn't at his apartment for more than 10 minutes before I started to feel the anxiety slipping away moment by moment only to give way to a comfortability that I haven't had with someone in quite some time. I felt safe. I have to admit, I immediately developed a crush. ^_^
From that moment on we started spending a lot of time together, at least it seemed like a lot of time by my standards (keep in mind I rarely spend time or go out with anyone) and the more I learned of Phillip, the more I started to like him. There was not only a mental connection, but a sexual one as well. I would LOVE to share all the wonderful details of what this man does to me physically, but if he was to EVER be able to read this he would be mad. Hes a man who doesn't share his conquests like most others do and likes to keep his sex life private. *sigh* It sucks, because DAMN I wanna brag. Oh well. Lets just say that his touch is electrifying and takes my breath away at every moment.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that Phillip is perfect, because he's not. He has flaws. We all do. What I can say is that things I usually find annoying in others, I find absolutely adorable in him...with the exception of his stubbornness. I don't know who is more stubborn....him or me. Surprisingly, I can't think of a time we've butted heads too bad yet, which is always a good thing.
We've both been really hurt in the past and we have our fair share of inner demons and walls built around ourselves. Our protective little barriers. He is breaking down mine faster than I would like. Every day I find another small detail about him that I absolutely adore, and I fear the day I fall completely in love with him. I am getting so attached. It isn't safe for me to get so attached so quickly. It'll only lead to heartache. I'd like to think that things will work and we'll both have a chance at being truly happy, but life has dealt me a hand with a stacked deck. One thing is for sure, if we don't work out...it won't be because he'll be unfaithful. I know he'd never cheat on me. That's one thing I'm confident about. He'd simply break up with me if he had the desire or temptation to do so....which I completely understand. If we don't work out...it'll be because things just simply wasn't working or one/both of us was unhappy.
He told me today that he was getting attached to me too, which I know was a big step for him. I told him a couple of days ago that I was getting attached...and I remember the lump in my stomach I felt the moment I said it. I was so afraid he would bail. Instead, I'm sitting in his apartment...my stuff neatly placed throughout. He's seems to like what I've done to the place. I feel at home here.
Just.Don't.Let.Me.Fall.In.Love!!!!!!
I'm just not sure I know how to handle all of this. Seriously. I've never been in a relationship where the man saw me as an equal rather than a possession, slave, etc. He asks my opinion. Cares how I feel. Wants to know what I think. The other night we slept in separate beds and he crawled into the bed I was in and cuddled me just for a bit. I'll admit I still struggle a LOT with insomnia, and I can see that posing a big problem in the immediate future. Sometimes I'll lay in bed for hours without falling asleep just so I don't wake him up getting in and out of bed, often watching him sleep. He always looks so peaceful and innocent....even with the snoring. Haha I don't mind that he's a bed hog. I don't mind that he moves around a lot in his sleep. I just like laying next to him, occasionally caressing his hand or hair, breathing in the smell of his skin and wonder how I got so lucky to meet a guy like him. I really don't think he realizes how special he is.
Bah! Anyway...now that I have completely rambled on about Phillip, I'm going to go. I don't want to flood everyone's friends page with my nonsense, though I know some of you love mushy posts like this.
^_^