Callous? Probably.
My mum has gone off the deep end once again. It began on Thursday and I thought we had ended it on Friday. She kept pushing and needling yesterday while not understanding what I was saying and slurring. She's probably pumped herself full of meds. Keeps on about how she doesn't want to live anymore/would like to just drop dead. Highly considering calling medical professionals. Something Thursday and Friday just snapped and I can no longer be emotionally invested in her brand of manipulation and outright craziness. 12 years of this bullshit, can't do any more. Just can't. I'm not quite sure why I'm putting this out there for all and sundry to see. Maybe to get it off my chest, maybe to put it out there so if anyone sees me this week and wonders why I'm exhausted/down/quiet/sullen they'll have a little back story. You can only tell someone you love them, don't hate them, and they're a good mother so many times. You can only hold out so long while they scream at you that the aforementioned is untrue and you're selfish and terrible and have always been and will always be. Then something just clicks off and you can't get as angry anymore, you can't get as sad. Because you're just...tired. It's not that you don't care completely. No one wants someone they care about to feel like that about them, let alone have that person be their mother. But you can only be pushed and pushed and pushed (both in general and away) while simultaneously being clawed at to stay closer before you take a step to the left and just watch the rest of the act play out. I can't be the parent in this parent-child relationship anymore.