Hi Live Journal! How's it hangin'?
Another sleepless 'weekend' night just before I begin again the weekly grind. Working nights and then trying to force myself to be like you normal day walkers on my weekends never works out as I hope it would. But honestly, I haven't been doing much other than sleeping lately.
I finally admitted to myself that I am indeed depressed again. I spend the better part of my day home alone with intentions of writing and drawing and cleaning this or reading that, and it's just down graded to me curling up on the couch, the TV stuck on Bones or Castle, and falling into a coma until I leave for work. I usually try to stay horizontal long enough to see Eric off, but that's not always the case.
It's a funny kind of depression, because I don't really feel depressed until I find myself sprawled out on the couch staring at the TV. Just before I doze off, that's when the self bashing hits, as if I'm trying to will myself to stay awake long enough to actually do SOMETHING with myself. The better days are the days I only sleep 8 hours, but there are days when I go more time sleeping than I do awake.
And I've had it.
I mean it this time.
You know, like every time I get like this and then say that.
Really, most of the time I feel fine. Little bothers do strike here and there and hit me harder than they really should, but most of the time I am in a decent mood. It's just the artist in me is stupidly depressed because I'm ignoring what used to bring me joy. Everyday Janeen is like, meh, depression? Vat is dis nonsense!? Ooh, look! LOL Cats on facebook!
Admittedly, art used to be my escapism from everything I didn't much care for in the real world. The internet seems to have taken over that role. But unlike doodling in sketchbooks all day, the internet isn't getting me to accomplish anything. So unless I'm listening to something while I'm writing or looking something up for an illustration, I really need to cut back. It's not even like I'm spending all day chatting with people. I cruise the web alone! I avoid conversation as much as I can.
Sadly, since allergy season also hit full bore and is seriously kicking my ass, I must hide indoors until the first hard frost kills all that joy floating about in the air. Our new AC does a damn fine job keeping most of that crap out, but I still find myself sniffly and sneezy all day. So no long walks in the woods, because my eyes will swell shut and I will stumble off the beaten path to die on my own snot. "What killed her, officer?" "Flem! She choked to death on her own slimy nose leavings!" Now thars a purdy picture.
And to finish off this joyous post after month and months of absence, I leave with this.... I do not care that Ben Affleck is going to be the new Batman. I admit, my first thought was "No! Dear God in Heaven, NOOO!" But I got over it pretty quick. Because I saw the new designs for Lobo and THAT crushed my soul. Who cares who's playing Bats when they turned the Main Man into something that crawled out of Square Enix. BACK! BACK STUPIDLY PRETTY, PRETTY BOY! BACK FROM THE PITS OF HELL THAT SPAWNED YOU! Seriously, leave him be! I like him being a crass, hairy, butch space biker dude! Bring back the Manily-MEN! If you want a pretty boy assassin/bounty hunter, make a new bloody character! Leave Lobo alone! *sobs* No, no, I'm okay. Really. I'm gonna go stab something and curse the new 52s.
DAMN YOU DC! My children will never know the superheroes I grew up with.
I grew up with, and didn't really care much about. heh heh heh.
I finally admitted to myself that I am indeed depressed again. I spend the better part of my day home alone with intentions of writing and drawing and cleaning this or reading that, and it's just down graded to me curling up on the couch, the TV stuck on Bones or Castle, and falling into a coma until I leave for work. I usually try to stay horizontal long enough to see Eric off, but that's not always the case.
It's a funny kind of depression, because I don't really feel depressed until I find myself sprawled out on the couch staring at the TV. Just before I doze off, that's when the self bashing hits, as if I'm trying to will myself to stay awake long enough to actually do SOMETHING with myself. The better days are the days I only sleep 8 hours, but there are days when I go more time sleeping than I do awake.
And I've had it.
I mean it this time.
You know, like every time I get like this and then say that.
Really, most of the time I feel fine. Little bothers do strike here and there and hit me harder than they really should, but most of the time I am in a decent mood. It's just the artist in me is stupidly depressed because I'm ignoring what used to bring me joy. Everyday Janeen is like, meh, depression? Vat is dis nonsense!? Ooh, look! LOL Cats on facebook!
Admittedly, art used to be my escapism from everything I didn't much care for in the real world. The internet seems to have taken over that role. But unlike doodling in sketchbooks all day, the internet isn't getting me to accomplish anything. So unless I'm listening to something while I'm writing or looking something up for an illustration, I really need to cut back. It's not even like I'm spending all day chatting with people. I cruise the web alone! I avoid conversation as much as I can.
Sadly, since allergy season also hit full bore and is seriously kicking my ass, I must hide indoors until the first hard frost kills all that joy floating about in the air. Our new AC does a damn fine job keeping most of that crap out, but I still find myself sniffly and sneezy all day. So no long walks in the woods, because my eyes will swell shut and I will stumble off the beaten path to die on my own snot. "What killed her, officer?" "Flem! She choked to death on her own slimy nose leavings!" Now thars a purdy picture.
And to finish off this joyous post after month and months of absence, I leave with this.... I do not care that Ben Affleck is going to be the new Batman. I admit, my first thought was "No! Dear God in Heaven, NOOO!" But I got over it pretty quick. Because I saw the new designs for Lobo and THAT crushed my soul. Who cares who's playing Bats when they turned the Main Man into something that crawled out of Square Enix. BACK! BACK STUPIDLY PRETTY, PRETTY BOY! BACK FROM THE PITS OF HELL THAT SPAWNED YOU! Seriously, leave him be! I like him being a crass, hairy, butch space biker dude! Bring back the Manily-MEN! If you want a pretty boy assassin/bounty hunter, make a new bloody character! Leave Lobo alone! *sobs* No, no, I'm okay. Really. I'm gonna go stab something and curse the new 52s.
DAMN YOU DC! My children will never know the superheroes I grew up with.
I grew up with, and didn't really care much about. heh heh heh.