Go ahead and ignore, like how everyone does anyway. Just me thinking.
For most of my life, I've driven myself based off of 'important people'. A select few for, whatever reason, I felt the need to be protective of. I can state in hundreds of places where having something important is good...its a drive to do things, to drive one's self. Not specifically people...mabey an ideal, or a feature of yourself. I myself...I can't think of myself. Its utterly impossible for me to be selfish. I think of others near constantly...always wondering how people are, and if there's anything I can do to help them. As of right now, only one of my important people really want anything to do with me. You've no idea how lonely that has made me feel for the past few years. I know I can make friends, given the chance. Such a thing happened at Tri-C with the people who played magic. However my ego got the best of me, and ruined that entire road.
For quite some time, I've been trying to find myself. Adapting to how others want you to be really fucks you up. For those of you who don't remember, I've done it most of my life. Its hard to find who's me in here. Now I don't mean this in some sort of crazy emo way. I really don't know where the real me ends and the lies I've perpetuated begin. It's started small, really. Like my love for comic books. Its taken awhile for me to catch up...I'm going with easy stuff, like the newer manga. I've been trying to keep up with series like Death Note and Lament of the Lamb. I've been keeping my eye out for a new, good X-Men series too. Seems that I've been a little late for that, though. I'm sure a new one will come along eventually.
But really, what would happen to me if my last important person decides to go away? Everything dies. Everything fades. There will be a point where that important person leaves me. Then I'll have nothing to lean on. Nothing thats important to me. Plus also this 'important person' confuses my heart. Since I don't really know love, I have a hard time determining if these feelings I had for those people are conventional love. While I don't think they are, there's no real way to find out. I have friends who aren't important people. Since my Important People are close friends, there really isn't a reason to use that distinguishment. Everyone who is a friend is an important person. Except Paul. He's just an asshole. Though my stupid benevolent nature makes me include him anyway. Stupid Buddhism.
So that's it then, isn't it? I've nobody important. Yet, I have tons of people who are important. I have ideas and plans that, if I focus and concentrate on them, will come to fruitation. The hardest part, though, is telling myself not to worry. I've never really done anything by myself successfully...though thinking of it as I type, that's a lie, isn't it? I cook. I can make wonderful meals for people. Earlier this week I made ravioli. From scratch. I made the noodles by hand. I filled the pasta pockets by hand. I made the sauce by hand. It turned out pretty good. Sure, I'll figure it out. I'll be fine, I'm sure. I'll find someone to love deeply, and someone who loves me that way in return. Someone whom I can do nothing but hold and stay with. Then they'll go away. Things always do. But from my expierence, those little pockets of bliss are heaven in of themself.
"What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you really are alone
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees"
For quite some time, I've been trying to find myself. Adapting to how others want you to be really fucks you up. For those of you who don't remember, I've done it most of my life. Its hard to find who's me in here. Now I don't mean this in some sort of crazy emo way. I really don't know where the real me ends and the lies I've perpetuated begin. It's started small, really. Like my love for comic books. Its taken awhile for me to catch up...I'm going with easy stuff, like the newer manga. I've been trying to keep up with series like Death Note and Lament of the Lamb. I've been keeping my eye out for a new, good X-Men series too. Seems that I've been a little late for that, though. I'm sure a new one will come along eventually.
But really, what would happen to me if my last important person decides to go away? Everything dies. Everything fades. There will be a point where that important person leaves me. Then I'll have nothing to lean on. Nothing thats important to me. Plus also this 'important person' confuses my heart. Since I don't really know love, I have a hard time determining if these feelings I had for those people are conventional love. While I don't think they are, there's no real way to find out. I have friends who aren't important people. Since my Important People are close friends, there really isn't a reason to use that distinguishment. Everyone who is a friend is an important person. Except Paul. He's just an asshole. Though my stupid benevolent nature makes me include him anyway. Stupid Buddhism.
So that's it then, isn't it? I've nobody important. Yet, I have tons of people who are important. I have ideas and plans that, if I focus and concentrate on them, will come to fruitation. The hardest part, though, is telling myself not to worry. I've never really done anything by myself successfully...though thinking of it as I type, that's a lie, isn't it? I cook. I can make wonderful meals for people. Earlier this week I made ravioli. From scratch. I made the noodles by hand. I filled the pasta pockets by hand. I made the sauce by hand. It turned out pretty good. Sure, I'll figure it out. I'll be fine, I'm sure. I'll find someone to love deeply, and someone who loves me that way in return. Someone whom I can do nothing but hold and stay with. Then they'll go away. Things always do. But from my expierence, those little pockets of bliss are heaven in of themself.
"What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you really are alone
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees"