October 2009: Week 2
Title: Fear at the Heart
Author: britedark
Quote: "Nothing gives a fearful man more courage than another 's fear." - Umberto Eco
Universe: canon
Genre: friendship, hurt/comfort
Characters: Inuyasha (POV), Kohaku
Word Count: 1619
Summary: Desperately unhappy, Kohaku turns to Inuyasha
Author's Note: This is chapter 23 in the serial Waiting for Kagome. It also preceeds the events of Destiny.
Fear at the Heart
"Can we-talk?"
Talk?
Inuyasha slowly turned to face the young human boy. He didn't need his hanyo senses to tell him Kohaku was tense and apprehensive: it was visible in every bit of his body. "Not many ask me to talk," he noted slowly. "Usually, because they think I need to have something explained to me, or that I need to apologize for something they think I did wrong." He scrutinized the boy before him, and continued before Kohaku could say anything. "But, I'm guessing you've got something else in mind."
The boy's hands were clenching. He looked away, then back, before blurting out, "I don't want to stay here."
Inuyasha blinked at the bald statement, and at the desperation clear in every word. "Why not?"
"I- Kohaku swung away, staring blindly at the vertical rock on which, Inuyasha knew, Kirara was laying. "I don't fit in!" The words came as explosively in as the first statement.
Huh? How could he not fit in-he was human, after all. Inuyasha bit back his first reaction, because he truly didn't want to upset the boy, and tried to think about the statement. Why would Kohaku say something like that? There was hardly a person in the village who wasn't all smiles and cheerful greetings when they saw the young taijiya. He almost never ate the evening meal in Kaede's hut, because of the invitations from various families-mostly families with young daughters, from a few things Kaede had said. He'd watched the boy walking, surrounded by chattering, smiling youngsters, and could not help but wonder what it was like, to be accepted. To not be seen as different, as a threat, and perhaps-contrary to what their miko insisted--a monster.
Monster. The puzzle fell together, as he remembered Kohaku's haunted eyes, when they had met him after he had regained his memories on the quest to destroy Naraku and the Shikon no Tama. Inuyasha knew he didn't begin to know all the horror behind those eyes, but he knew enough.
"They see only a human boy, and not the 'monster' Naraku forced you to be," he said.
Kohaku jerked and spun back to face him, his face white, shaking, tears on the verge of spilling. "And worse," he whispered. "What I did-what I didn't do, what I allowed, after I'd regained my awareness-I-I-"
He was shaking: looking and feeling as if he were about to shatter. Inuyasha hesitated only a moment, then acted as his friends had acted for him. Stepping up, he placed an arm around Kohaku's shoulders. The boy looked up, startled, and then lunged forward, to wrap his arms around Inuyasha's waist, still shaking. The hanyo gave a glance at the public path, and murmured, "Let's move behind the hut."
… … …
Inuyasha listened, as Kohaku poured out his tale, horrified, dismayed, and increasingly, both sympathetic and admiring. He also felt humbled. His own life had been one of misery and constant danger, but at his very worst, when overwhelmed by his youkai blood-or Magatsuhi-he'd never come close to the atrocities a mindless Kohaku had committed. Nor had he ever faced the excrutiating decision to not act, to allow others to die, to protect a slim chance of ultimately ending an even greater threat.
Kohaku leaned against him as he finished, exhausted. Inuyasha continued to rub the boy's back in slow, gentle circles. "I-I can't stay," the boy said into the silence. "They-they think I'm just a normal boy, but I'm not. I can't-I can't be what they expect: what Sango wants. I-I can't. It's---'s too hard, trying to pretend what I'm not. Trying to pretend that I wasn't … wasn't a monster."
"Naraku was the monster, not you," Inuyasha said.
"But, I behaved like one. I was too weak to stop it."
"You're not weak," snapped Inuyasha with a bit of heat, remembering what he had overheard Sango tell the boy once. 'Weak heart?' He'd hadn't understood that, though he'd kept silent, not having had the slightest notion what he could've said. "If you're weak, 'cause someone took you over, then I'm weak, too."
"What?" Kohaku looked up him, confused.
Inuyasha pulled Tessaiga up from the grass beside him. "Sango ever say anything to you, about what happened after Tessaiga was broken?"
The boy shook his head, curiosity flickering in his eyes. "It was one of Naraku's earliest incarnations-big brute of a youkai, a mind-reader, could see your every move. He bit through Tessaiga, then killed me."
"Killed?"
Inuyasha gave a curt nod, not letting himself look away. "What he didn't know-because I didn't know-was that Tessaiga kept my youkai blood sealed. You know how strong Sesshomaru is, and we share the same sire. When Tessaiga broke, when I was killed, my youkai blood took over."
Kohaku's eyes widened. "Goshinki couldn't read my plans-or rather, all he could get from me was pure bliss, pure bloodlust. As my normal self, I couldn't even mark him. As a blood-lusting youkai, I killed him with one strike of my claws."
"Wow." The word was softly spoken. "Then what happened?"
"I still had enough awareness to realize something was wrong, and to keep from attacking. Kagome walked up and used the rosary, which pulled my youkai side back under control. For a while."
"Then what?"
Now, Inuyasha looked away, and brought both hands to hold Tessaiga. In quiet, distant words, he described the repair of Tessaiga and its massive, overwhelming weight. He described his inability to hold onto it in battle, and the consequences of the battle with moth youkai.
He was somehow not terribly surprised, when he finally met Kohaku's eyes again, to see the youngster gazing at him with understanding. "That was horrible," Kohaku said. "I bet you have nightmares about it."
"I don't remember when I'm awake, not really," Inuyasha admitted, "but at night …" His lips twisted. "It's not bandits I kill, but my friends."
Kohaku nodded. "So, how did you get control over Tessaiga? I mean-I've seen you swing that sword, it doesn't look too heavy for you now."
"Nope." Inuyasha launched into a brief description of his fight with the dragon. "That must have felt pretty satisfying-finishing off something your father didn't," the boy observed, with the hint of a smile.
Inuyasha snorted. "I was mostly excited about being able to use the Windscar whenever I wanted. But yeah." Setting Tessaiga back down beside him, he looked up at the sky. "But, it doesn't take away, knowing what I've done. What I could be-a monster worse than any of these folk's imaginations."
"Are you-afraid?"
Inuyasha cast him a long glance. "That the villagers might find out? Or that I might lose control again?"
"Both?"
The hanyo sighed. "Yeah. Somewhat," he admitted, looking up at the sky.
"I'm scared, too," said Kohaku, after a silence, "though mostly because it'd hurt Sango."
"But, staying here, it feels like you're living a lie."
"Yes."
Inuyasha turned to look at the boy. "You know that isn't going to change, whatever village you live in."
"I don't want to live in a village."
Inuyasha nodded. "What do you want, Kohaku?"
The boy's chin came up, and determination sparked in his eyes. "I want to become the best taijiya I can be. I want to protect people. When Kikyo gave the last of her light, to save my life, I knew I couldn't just throw it away, no matter how much living hurts. I killed people under Naraku's control: I allowed others to die, so he wouldn't learn the truth. I can't bring those people back, but if I can save others..."
Inuyasha abruptly remembered a bit of conversation held a few months and fifty-one years earlier. "Why do you want to save lives?" he asked. "Because, it might make you feel better about yourself?"
Kohaku shook his head. "No. Well, maybe some. But, I want to protect people, because I can. Because that's what Kikyo gave her life doing." He thought a moment, and then added. "There's still a lot a pain and suffering. I can't just sit around here and pretend I can't do anything about it, when maybe I can."
Inuyasha smiled, unsurprised to hear Kikyo's words echoing back to him. Standing up, pushing Tessaiga through his sash, he reached down and pulled the boy to his feet.
"You'll do Kikyo proud, Kohaku," he said. "If you need me to run interference with Sango…"
The relief was obvious. "I'm scared she won't understand."
"She won't want to understand, but she will, eventually. The monk'll probably understand, too."
The boy breathed out a gusty sigh, the tension dropping away from his body. "Thanks, Inuyasha."
"Keh." He turned the boy and gave him a push. "Go do what you have to do, short stuff. I'll stay behind and make sure your sister doesn't act the idiot."
Kohaku nodded and walked lightly away, looking at least a half a hand-span taller, without the world pulling down as it had. Kirara dropped down from the standing rock and started to follow him.
"You'd better stay with him, Kirara," Inuyasha muttered under his breath, knowing the neko had been listening, and could easily hear his words. "He needs a partner-I don't want his going alone."
She paused and looked back, her eyes glowing slightly in the darkening dusk. She nodded once, then scampered after the boy, frisking her two tails.
Inuyasha scrubbed his claws through his hair, wondering how he had ever become a source of sympathy and advice.
But, he knew.
Kohaku and he shared something in common.
Author: britedark
Quote: "Nothing gives a fearful man more courage than another 's fear." - Umberto Eco
Universe: canon
Genre: friendship, hurt/comfort
Characters: Inuyasha (POV), Kohaku
Word Count: 1619
Summary: Desperately unhappy, Kohaku turns to Inuyasha
Author's Note: This is chapter 23 in the serial Waiting for Kagome. It also preceeds the events of Destiny.
Fear at the Heart
"Can we-talk?"
Talk?
Inuyasha slowly turned to face the young human boy. He didn't need his hanyo senses to tell him Kohaku was tense and apprehensive: it was visible in every bit of his body. "Not many ask me to talk," he noted slowly. "Usually, because they think I need to have something explained to me, or that I need to apologize for something they think I did wrong." He scrutinized the boy before him, and continued before Kohaku could say anything. "But, I'm guessing you've got something else in mind."
The boy's hands were clenching. He looked away, then back, before blurting out, "I don't want to stay here."
Inuyasha blinked at the bald statement, and at the desperation clear in every word. "Why not?"
"I- Kohaku swung away, staring blindly at the vertical rock on which, Inuyasha knew, Kirara was laying. "I don't fit in!" The words came as explosively in as the first statement.
Huh? How could he not fit in-he was human, after all. Inuyasha bit back his first reaction, because he truly didn't want to upset the boy, and tried to think about the statement. Why would Kohaku say something like that? There was hardly a person in the village who wasn't all smiles and cheerful greetings when they saw the young taijiya. He almost never ate the evening meal in Kaede's hut, because of the invitations from various families-mostly families with young daughters, from a few things Kaede had said. He'd watched the boy walking, surrounded by chattering, smiling youngsters, and could not help but wonder what it was like, to be accepted. To not be seen as different, as a threat, and perhaps-contrary to what their miko insisted--a monster.
Monster. The puzzle fell together, as he remembered Kohaku's haunted eyes, when they had met him after he had regained his memories on the quest to destroy Naraku and the Shikon no Tama. Inuyasha knew he didn't begin to know all the horror behind those eyes, but he knew enough.
"They see only a human boy, and not the 'monster' Naraku forced you to be," he said.
Kohaku jerked and spun back to face him, his face white, shaking, tears on the verge of spilling. "And worse," he whispered. "What I did-what I didn't do, what I allowed, after I'd regained my awareness-I-I-"
He was shaking: looking and feeling as if he were about to shatter. Inuyasha hesitated only a moment, then acted as his friends had acted for him. Stepping up, he placed an arm around Kohaku's shoulders. The boy looked up, startled, and then lunged forward, to wrap his arms around Inuyasha's waist, still shaking. The hanyo gave a glance at the public path, and murmured, "Let's move behind the hut."
… … …
Inuyasha listened, as Kohaku poured out his tale, horrified, dismayed, and increasingly, both sympathetic and admiring. He also felt humbled. His own life had been one of misery and constant danger, but at his very worst, when overwhelmed by his youkai blood-or Magatsuhi-he'd never come close to the atrocities a mindless Kohaku had committed. Nor had he ever faced the excrutiating decision to not act, to allow others to die, to protect a slim chance of ultimately ending an even greater threat.
Kohaku leaned against him as he finished, exhausted. Inuyasha continued to rub the boy's back in slow, gentle circles. "I-I can't stay," the boy said into the silence. "They-they think I'm just a normal boy, but I'm not. I can't-I can't be what they expect: what Sango wants. I-I can't. It's---'s too hard, trying to pretend what I'm not. Trying to pretend that I wasn't … wasn't a monster."
"Naraku was the monster, not you," Inuyasha said.
"But, I behaved like one. I was too weak to stop it."
"You're not weak," snapped Inuyasha with a bit of heat, remembering what he had overheard Sango tell the boy once. 'Weak heart?' He'd hadn't understood that, though he'd kept silent, not having had the slightest notion what he could've said. "If you're weak, 'cause someone took you over, then I'm weak, too."
"What?" Kohaku looked up him, confused.
Inuyasha pulled Tessaiga up from the grass beside him. "Sango ever say anything to you, about what happened after Tessaiga was broken?"
The boy shook his head, curiosity flickering in his eyes. "It was one of Naraku's earliest incarnations-big brute of a youkai, a mind-reader, could see your every move. He bit through Tessaiga, then killed me."
"Killed?"
Inuyasha gave a curt nod, not letting himself look away. "What he didn't know-because I didn't know-was that Tessaiga kept my youkai blood sealed. You know how strong Sesshomaru is, and we share the same sire. When Tessaiga broke, when I was killed, my youkai blood took over."
Kohaku's eyes widened. "Goshinki couldn't read my plans-or rather, all he could get from me was pure bliss, pure bloodlust. As my normal self, I couldn't even mark him. As a blood-lusting youkai, I killed him with one strike of my claws."
"Wow." The word was softly spoken. "Then what happened?"
"I still had enough awareness to realize something was wrong, and to keep from attacking. Kagome walked up and used the rosary, which pulled my youkai side back under control. For a while."
"Then what?"
Now, Inuyasha looked away, and brought both hands to hold Tessaiga. In quiet, distant words, he described the repair of Tessaiga and its massive, overwhelming weight. He described his inability to hold onto it in battle, and the consequences of the battle with moth youkai.
He was somehow not terribly surprised, when he finally met Kohaku's eyes again, to see the youngster gazing at him with understanding. "That was horrible," Kohaku said. "I bet you have nightmares about it."
"I don't remember when I'm awake, not really," Inuyasha admitted, "but at night …" His lips twisted. "It's not bandits I kill, but my friends."
Kohaku nodded. "So, how did you get control over Tessaiga? I mean-I've seen you swing that sword, it doesn't look too heavy for you now."
"Nope." Inuyasha launched into a brief description of his fight with the dragon. "That must have felt pretty satisfying-finishing off something your father didn't," the boy observed, with the hint of a smile.
Inuyasha snorted. "I was mostly excited about being able to use the Windscar whenever I wanted. But yeah." Setting Tessaiga back down beside him, he looked up at the sky. "But, it doesn't take away, knowing what I've done. What I could be-a monster worse than any of these folk's imaginations."
"Are you-afraid?"
Inuyasha cast him a long glance. "That the villagers might find out? Or that I might lose control again?"
"Both?"
The hanyo sighed. "Yeah. Somewhat," he admitted, looking up at the sky.
"I'm scared, too," said Kohaku, after a silence, "though mostly because it'd hurt Sango."
"But, staying here, it feels like you're living a lie."
"Yes."
Inuyasha turned to look at the boy. "You know that isn't going to change, whatever village you live in."
"I don't want to live in a village."
Inuyasha nodded. "What do you want, Kohaku?"
The boy's chin came up, and determination sparked in his eyes. "I want to become the best taijiya I can be. I want to protect people. When Kikyo gave the last of her light, to save my life, I knew I couldn't just throw it away, no matter how much living hurts. I killed people under Naraku's control: I allowed others to die, so he wouldn't learn the truth. I can't bring those people back, but if I can save others..."
Inuyasha abruptly remembered a bit of conversation held a few months and fifty-one years earlier. "Why do you want to save lives?" he asked. "Because, it might make you feel better about yourself?"
Kohaku shook his head. "No. Well, maybe some. But, I want to protect people, because I can. Because that's what Kikyo gave her life doing." He thought a moment, and then added. "There's still a lot a pain and suffering. I can't just sit around here and pretend I can't do anything about it, when maybe I can."
Inuyasha smiled, unsurprised to hear Kikyo's words echoing back to him. Standing up, pushing Tessaiga through his sash, he reached down and pulled the boy to his feet.
"You'll do Kikyo proud, Kohaku," he said. "If you need me to run interference with Sango…"
The relief was obvious. "I'm scared she won't understand."
"She won't want to understand, but she will, eventually. The monk'll probably understand, too."
The boy breathed out a gusty sigh, the tension dropping away from his body. "Thanks, Inuyasha."
"Keh." He turned the boy and gave him a push. "Go do what you have to do, short stuff. I'll stay behind and make sure your sister doesn't act the idiot."
Kohaku nodded and walked lightly away, looking at least a half a hand-span taller, without the world pulling down as it had. Kirara dropped down from the standing rock and started to follow him.
"You'd better stay with him, Kirara," Inuyasha muttered under his breath, knowing the neko had been listening, and could easily hear his words. "He needs a partner-I don't want his going alone."
She paused and looked back, her eyes glowing slightly in the darkening dusk. She nodded once, then scampered after the boy, frisking her two tails.
Inuyasha scrubbed his claws through his hair, wondering how he had ever become a source of sympathy and advice.
But, he knew.
Kohaku and he shared something in common.