Back in the land of the living
Provisionally.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling vaguely human for the first time in longer than I care to think about. There's no particular reason, just as there was no particular reason I had this sudden downturn. It's not like I had a particularly relaxing weekend, but maybe the moral of the story is I need to get out and do more low-key things locally at the weekend.
The last few months have been hell. Physically, I've been at a low point - when my legs hurt like hell walking home from the bus stop, I know I'm in trouble. There have not been enough painkillers, which in turn leads to poor sleep, and it gets all vicious cycle-ish. I can only describe my mental state as like cognitive dyslexia. I have been aware that there are things I need to plan but when I try to sit down to do so, the whole concept starts swimming around and mocking me. I think the last few weeks I've been more depressed than when I was actually off work with depression - in a flat, unmotivated way rather than in a dramatic having a life crisis and losing my shit way, which is when it gets noticed. My depression is reactive to being physically unwell, and there's a nasty cycle going on there too, to the point where I can't tell if I don't want to get out of bed because it hurts or because I can't be bothered. As I'm prone to being too hard on myself, I tend to accuse myself of the latter.
I started to focus on stuff like the fact that I've been ill for over 10 years, and can't remember the last time I achieved anything to feel proud of. Which is not to say that my life isn't pretty damn good, because it is, but I want more, and feel like I should be able to do something about it, but can't. Or rather, like I should, but I will do it tomorrow when I feel more awake. I've had that intention since the mid 1990s. I was always pretty good on the procrastination front with life stuff, but not with school/university stuff, and I'm reliably informed that chronic fatigue takes all your worst personality traits & enhances them.
So, I've got to enjoy being reasonably functional while I can, without overdoing it and crashing again too soon. I really need to focus on the positive things in the world and in my life, and there are many, so if you catch me being a mopey cow, give me a kick.
If only this damn headache would go away, I could get on with my to-do list.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling vaguely human for the first time in longer than I care to think about. There's no particular reason, just as there was no particular reason I had this sudden downturn. It's not like I had a particularly relaxing weekend, but maybe the moral of the story is I need to get out and do more low-key things locally at the weekend.
The last few months have been hell. Physically, I've been at a low point - when my legs hurt like hell walking home from the bus stop, I know I'm in trouble. There have not been enough painkillers, which in turn leads to poor sleep, and it gets all vicious cycle-ish. I can only describe my mental state as like cognitive dyslexia. I have been aware that there are things I need to plan but when I try to sit down to do so, the whole concept starts swimming around and mocking me. I think the last few weeks I've been more depressed than when I was actually off work with depression - in a flat, unmotivated way rather than in a dramatic having a life crisis and losing my shit way, which is when it gets noticed. My depression is reactive to being physically unwell, and there's a nasty cycle going on there too, to the point where I can't tell if I don't want to get out of bed because it hurts or because I can't be bothered. As I'm prone to being too hard on myself, I tend to accuse myself of the latter.
I started to focus on stuff like the fact that I've been ill for over 10 years, and can't remember the last time I achieved anything to feel proud of. Which is not to say that my life isn't pretty damn good, because it is, but I want more, and feel like I should be able to do something about it, but can't. Or rather, like I should, but I will do it tomorrow when I feel more awake. I've had that intention since the mid 1990s. I was always pretty good on the procrastination front with life stuff, but not with school/university stuff, and I'm reliably informed that chronic fatigue takes all your worst personality traits & enhances them.
So, I've got to enjoy being reasonably functional while I can, without overdoing it and crashing again too soon. I really need to focus on the positive things in the world and in my life, and there are many, so if you catch me being a mopey cow, give me a kick.
If only this damn headache would go away, I could get on with my to-do list.