Rougher-than-first draft
Strange occasion - I'm actually posting something I wrote. Not just something, but fanfic. (Horrors!) And I'm posting it because it's in rougher-than-first draft and I want to know what's wrong before I try to even take it to second, or write more.
HP-verse, time of the first book.
Platform 9 3/4 was full of activity. Students bid farewell to their parents, dragged their trunks to the Hogwarts Express, met friends, and chased escaped pets. The whistle blew and the flurry increased as all the students rushed towards the train.
Sorsha watched it all from the window of her compartment. She’d arrived early, at her parents’ insistence, and had been on the train for nearly half an hour already. At least she’d already settled into a compartment, and wouldn’t have to go looking for one with room. She pulled a book out of her trunk and settled in for a long ride.
“Um…” Sorsha looked up. Two boys stood in the doorway. The black-haired one spoke again. “Mind if we join you?”
“Come on in. There’s room.” The boys entered, dragging trunks and owl cages, and settled themselves. They had just finished when the door opened again.
“Do you have space for me?”
The boys looked to Sorsha, who shrugged. “Sure.” The girl pulled her stuff in and sat down next to Sorsha.
The four looked at each other nervously for a moment. The brown-haired boy spoke first. “I’m Liam. My dad’s a wizard, my mum’s a Muggle.”
“Gwydion. Both parents wizards.”
“I’m Shannon. I’m the only witch in my family. My letter threw the whole house into an uproar.”
“I’m Sorsha. My dad’s a Squib and my mum’s Muggle.”
“Your dad’s a Squib? Wow.” Gwydion looked curiously at Sorsha. “So what’s that like?”
Sorsha shifted in her seat. “We live like Muggles, but when I got my letter my dad explained a lot to me. My mum almost had a heart attack,” she added. “She gets upset very easily.”
“What’s it like to live with wizards?” Shannon asked the boys curiously.
Liam laughed. “Explosive. My dad has trouble with Muggle stuff, Mum can’t use magic, and neither can cook.” He made a face.
Gwydion laughed. “My parents are okay cooks, I guess. I just hope I don’t make a fool of myself.” He paused for a moment. “What’s about you, Shannon? What’s your house like?”
Shannon looked down, her reddish-brown hair falling forward to hide her face. “It was great until I got my letter. Now I’m afraid they’ll disown me no matter how well I do.”
The compartment was silent for a few moments as Shannon’s words sunk in. “I’m sorry,” Gwydion finally said softly. Another awkward silence followed his words.
Suddenly Shannon gasped. “Whose kitten?” she asked, cuddling a little ball of brown-flecked black fuzz.
“She’s mine,” Sorsha said proudly. “Her name’s Domino.”
“Because she’s got spots?” Liam asked.
“Well, yes, but more because she’s got a mask on her face.” Seeing the confusion on the others’ faces, she added, “There’s a type of mask called a domino.”
The kitten in question had settled in Shannon’s lap, purring softly. Shannon seemed to have forgotten her sadness and was petting Domino gently. “I think she likes me.”
“She’s very friendly. She doesn’t like to be alone, though. I wonder if I could bring her to class?”
“I don’t know,” Gwydion said. “I think you can, as long as she doesn’t make trouble. We certainly can’t bring our owls to class.” He nudged his owl’s cage, and the great horned owl inside blinked at him and hooted softly.
“Wow! He’s beautiful,” Sorsha said. “I would have gotten an owl, but Domino was a present from my parents. Mum was afraid an owl would hurt me,” she explained, rolling her eyes.
“Wizard-bred owls are pretty smart. And there’s no way one would be sold that would hurt someone,” Liam said. “Gwynn would never hurt anyone on purpose,” he added, looking fondly at his barn owl.
The trolley witch tapped on the door. “Sweets, anyone?” All four children dug in their pockets for money.
The next few minutes were full of munching, broken only by the noise of wrappers and an occasional “Pass me a frog, would you?”
Gwydion broke the comfortable silence first. “So, which house do you think you’ll be in?”
“House? What do you mean?” Shannon asked.
“When we get there, we’ll be sorted into one of the four houses. They’re like teams, sort of, but also like classes,” Liam said.
“You eat at your house table, sleep in the house dorm, go to classes with people in your house - it’s basically your family,” Gwydion added, when Liam’s explanation didn’t change Shannon’s confused expression.
“You forgot house points and Quidditch,” Liam said.
“Quidditch?” Sorsha asked, looking up from Domino.
“You’ve never heard of Quidditch?” Liam yelped.
“I was raised as a Muggle, remember? And my dad didn’t mention it.”
Before Liam could launch into another bewildering explanation, Gwydion said, “It’s a sport played on broomsticks. Seven players per team, four balls.”
“Wow. That sounds crazy.”
“It’s awesome!”
Liam was interrupted before he could explain the finer points of the game by an “Aww!” from Shannon. Domino had climbed up and was perched on Sorsha’s shoulder, daintily washing her paws. “That’s so cute!”
Sorsha grinned. “She likes it there, and she’s gotten good at balancing, even when I walk around. She doesn’t even dig her claws in unless I move quickly.”
“Anyway, the four houses are Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin,” Gwydion said, doggedly pulling the conversation back. “Ravenclaws are smart, Gryffindors are brave, Hufflepuffs work hard, and Slytherins are ambitious.”
“Bet I’m in Hufflepuff,” Shannon said softly. “I’m not brave, smart, or ambitious.”
“I hope I’m in Hufflepuff,” Liam said. “Anything but Slytherin.” He shuddered.
“Slytherin has a reputation for producing evil wizards,” Gwydion explained.
“I’d like to be a Ravenclaw, I think,” Sorsha said. “They probably have lots of books.”
Liam looked sharply over at her. “You like books?”
Sorsha grinned and dug through her trunk, pulling out a small stack of books. “Silly question.”
Liam’s eyes lit up. “I’ve never seen a lot of these before… Can I borrow some?”
As Sorsha and Liam negotiated book exchanges, Gwydion and Shannon talked softly.
“So you’ll lend me these three if I let you borrow these four?” Liam said. Sorsha nodded. “Done.” He handed over the stack and eagerly took the pile Sorsha passed him.
Before either could start reading, the door opened. “Have any of you seen a toad?” a bushy-haired girl asked. “Neville’s lost his.” A skinny, pale boy peered around the girl, his eyes searching the compartment.
“I don’t think so,” Sorsha said. “Good luck finding him.”
“You might want to get your robes on,” the girl said, eyeing their Muggle clothing. She left, her own robes flying behind her, Neville in tow.
Liam stood. “You change first. We’ll wait outside.” He grabbed Gwydion’s arm and tugged him out of the compartment.
The girls dug through their trunks, pushing aside books, tools, and potion ingredients. Sorsha turned the robes around, then the other way up, then shrugged and threw them over her head. She struggled for a few moments before giving up. “Shannon? Can you give me a hand?”
Shannon laughed. “You look like a butterfly that got stuck in its cocoon.” She tugged gently on the fabric, getting the robe turned around the right way.
“Thanks,” Sorsha said as her head popped into view. She shifted uncomfortably in the robes. “Are we supposed to take our clothes off?”
“Beats me,” Shannon replied. She stuck her head out into the corridor. “It’s okay now.”
The boys followed her in, took one look at Sorsha, and laughed. “What? What’s so funny?”
“Your hair,” Liam said.
Sorsha glanced at her reflection in the window and winced. Her straight brown hair was a mess - her part was zigzagging and her fringe stuck out in all directions. She ran her fingers through it, neatening it as much as she could, then turned back. “Better?”
The other three nodded. “Better,” Gwydion confirmed.
“So are we supposed to wear clothes under these or what?” Shannon asked.
Gwydion shrugged. “If you want to. I don’t think it matters that much.” He turned away and pulled off his T-shirt. Sorsha nudged Shannon, and they quietly left the compartment so the boys could change. They stood in the corridor, awkwardly silent, for a long moment.
“You scared?” Sorsha asked quietly.
Shannon nodded. “Terrified.” Their eyes met and they shared a small smile. “I hope my house is as friendly as those two.”
Sorsha smiled. “They are, aren’t they? I hope we’re all in the same house.”
“How are they going to put us in houses?”
“I don’t know. Dad referred to a ‘sorting’ of some kind, so I guess they’ve got some way.”
“I hope it doesn’t hurt.”
Liam opened the door. “You can come back in now.”
The rest of the ride passed quickly in conversation. Liam and Gwydion tried to explain Quidditch to the girls, who in turn tried to explain computers and video games to the boys. Liam’s odd family had moved into the wizarding world, and he’d had as little exposure to most Muggle things as Gwydion. As the train slowed to a stop, they were still talking about television.
“It sounds like magic. People moving and talking inside a box! Just like our photographs,” Gwydion said.
“It’s not magic!” Shannon insisted.
“It’s like photographs, but not quite. There’s a way of taking a lot of still pictures very quickly, then showing them again. It looks like it moves because our eyes get tricked.” Sorsha paused, trying to figure out another way to explain it. “A series of still images, projected in sequence, with each image being shown for a fraction of a second,” she said, rather pleased with that explanation.
“And it looks like it’s moving because our eyes are stupid?” Liam asked.
“Something like that.” Before Sorsha could explain more, the train lurched to a complete stop. “I think we’re here.”
An older student pushed the door open. “First-years? Leave your owls and trunks here, they’ll be taken up for you.” He left, robes flapping, as quickly as he’d appeared.
The four looked at each other, shrugged, and checked one last time to make sure their trunks and owl cages were closed. Sorsha scooped up Domino and placed her on her shoulder. “Ready? Let’s go, then.”
They emerged from the train into organized chaos. The crowd of students carried them towards a line of horseless carriages, until Gwydion caught the yell of “Firs’ years! Firs’ years over here!” The foursome squeezed through the crowd towards the call, which was coming from an enormous man with wild black hair and beard. As they got close, the man called a greeting to one of the students. A skinny boy with unruly black hair, just behind Sorsha, waved back.
“That’s Hagrid,” the boy commented quietly to someone else.
Hagrid herded the first-years towards the lake. “Four to a boat!” he called.
Gwydion, Liam, Shannon, and Sorsha climbed into one of the small white boats. Sorsha put up a hand to reassure Domino, who had dug in her claws at the sight of water. A minute later, when all the boats were full, Hagrid did something and the fleet set off, gliding across the smooth water. Shannon jumped, startled, then started examining their boat. “Where’s the motor? Or do they run on tracks?”
Gwydion laughed. “It’s magic, of course.”
Shannon was spared some teasing by the fact that the boats rounded a spur of land just then, and the castle was suddenly visible. The students collectively gasped at the sight of their new home.
Sorsha was amazed. Hogwarts looked like something out of a fairy tale. It sprawled comfortably on a rise, rambling out into towers, turrets, and courtyards, dark stone lit by the moon and the cheerful yellow light from the windows. She’d hoped for an interesting place when she got her letter, but she’d never dared to hope for a castle!
“Watch yer heads!” Hagrid called as the fleet approached an ivy-covered rockface. Sorsha ducked, and tugged Liam down just in time as their boat passed through the leafy curtain and into a cavern. The boats glided to a stop. “Ev’ryone out!”
Liam and Gwydion gave the girls a hand out of the boat. They joined the milling crowd, which quieted as a stern-faced woman came into view. “They’re all yers, Professor,” Hagrid said.
“Thank you, Hagrid. I am Professor McGonagall. Please follow me.” She turned and led the way up a set of stone stairs and through a series of hallways, then left them in a small room.
“Are we going to be sorted now?” Sorsha said softly.
“I think so,” Liam replied.
“I heard we’ll have to fight a troll,” a red-haired boy said.
The bushy-haired girl from the train scoffed. “I don’t think so, Ron. Honestly!”
Professor McGonagall reappeared, cutting short further speculations. “Please follow me.” Sorsha met Shannon’s nervous glance, then took a deep breath and started walking, acutely aware of the importance of what was about to happen.
2154 words, 95 paragraphs, 266 sentences. 2.7 sentences per paragraph, 8.1 words per sentence, grade level 4.6. (I love Word's summary tools.)
Wanted: criticism! Especially canon-checking (I can't find my book!) and Britishisms.
Is it worth taking further? Anything too blatantly Sue-ish? (How can I fix it?) How's the readability, subjectively? Etc, etc, etc.
Feedback!
HP-verse, time of the first book.
Platform 9 3/4 was full of activity. Students bid farewell to their parents, dragged their trunks to the Hogwarts Express, met friends, and chased escaped pets. The whistle blew and the flurry increased as all the students rushed towards the train.
Sorsha watched it all from the window of her compartment. She’d arrived early, at her parents’ insistence, and had been on the train for nearly half an hour already. At least she’d already settled into a compartment, and wouldn’t have to go looking for one with room. She pulled a book out of her trunk and settled in for a long ride.
“Um…” Sorsha looked up. Two boys stood in the doorway. The black-haired one spoke again. “Mind if we join you?”
“Come on in. There’s room.” The boys entered, dragging trunks and owl cages, and settled themselves. They had just finished when the door opened again.
“Do you have space for me?”
The boys looked to Sorsha, who shrugged. “Sure.” The girl pulled her stuff in and sat down next to Sorsha.
The four looked at each other nervously for a moment. The brown-haired boy spoke first. “I’m Liam. My dad’s a wizard, my mum’s a Muggle.”
“Gwydion. Both parents wizards.”
“I’m Shannon. I’m the only witch in my family. My letter threw the whole house into an uproar.”
“I’m Sorsha. My dad’s a Squib and my mum’s Muggle.”
“Your dad’s a Squib? Wow.” Gwydion looked curiously at Sorsha. “So what’s that like?”
Sorsha shifted in her seat. “We live like Muggles, but when I got my letter my dad explained a lot to me. My mum almost had a heart attack,” she added. “She gets upset very easily.”
“What’s it like to live with wizards?” Shannon asked the boys curiously.
Liam laughed. “Explosive. My dad has trouble with Muggle stuff, Mum can’t use magic, and neither can cook.” He made a face.
Gwydion laughed. “My parents are okay cooks, I guess. I just hope I don’t make a fool of myself.” He paused for a moment. “What’s about you, Shannon? What’s your house like?”
Shannon looked down, her reddish-brown hair falling forward to hide her face. “It was great until I got my letter. Now I’m afraid they’ll disown me no matter how well I do.”
The compartment was silent for a few moments as Shannon’s words sunk in. “I’m sorry,” Gwydion finally said softly. Another awkward silence followed his words.
Suddenly Shannon gasped. “Whose kitten?” she asked, cuddling a little ball of brown-flecked black fuzz.
“She’s mine,” Sorsha said proudly. “Her name’s Domino.”
“Because she’s got spots?” Liam asked.
“Well, yes, but more because she’s got a mask on her face.” Seeing the confusion on the others’ faces, she added, “There’s a type of mask called a domino.”
The kitten in question had settled in Shannon’s lap, purring softly. Shannon seemed to have forgotten her sadness and was petting Domino gently. “I think she likes me.”
“She’s very friendly. She doesn’t like to be alone, though. I wonder if I could bring her to class?”
“I don’t know,” Gwydion said. “I think you can, as long as she doesn’t make trouble. We certainly can’t bring our owls to class.” He nudged his owl’s cage, and the great horned owl inside blinked at him and hooted softly.
“Wow! He’s beautiful,” Sorsha said. “I would have gotten an owl, but Domino was a present from my parents. Mum was afraid an owl would hurt me,” she explained, rolling her eyes.
“Wizard-bred owls are pretty smart. And there’s no way one would be sold that would hurt someone,” Liam said. “Gwynn would never hurt anyone on purpose,” he added, looking fondly at his barn owl.
The trolley witch tapped on the door. “Sweets, anyone?” All four children dug in their pockets for money.
The next few minutes were full of munching, broken only by the noise of wrappers and an occasional “Pass me a frog, would you?”
Gwydion broke the comfortable silence first. “So, which house do you think you’ll be in?”
“House? What do you mean?” Shannon asked.
“When we get there, we’ll be sorted into one of the four houses. They’re like teams, sort of, but also like classes,” Liam said.
“You eat at your house table, sleep in the house dorm, go to classes with people in your house - it’s basically your family,” Gwydion added, when Liam’s explanation didn’t change Shannon’s confused expression.
“You forgot house points and Quidditch,” Liam said.
“Quidditch?” Sorsha asked, looking up from Domino.
“You’ve never heard of Quidditch?” Liam yelped.
“I was raised as a Muggle, remember? And my dad didn’t mention it.”
Before Liam could launch into another bewildering explanation, Gwydion said, “It’s a sport played on broomsticks. Seven players per team, four balls.”
“Wow. That sounds crazy.”
“It’s awesome!”
Liam was interrupted before he could explain the finer points of the game by an “Aww!” from Shannon. Domino had climbed up and was perched on Sorsha’s shoulder, daintily washing her paws. “That’s so cute!”
Sorsha grinned. “She likes it there, and she’s gotten good at balancing, even when I walk around. She doesn’t even dig her claws in unless I move quickly.”
“Anyway, the four houses are Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin,” Gwydion said, doggedly pulling the conversation back. “Ravenclaws are smart, Gryffindors are brave, Hufflepuffs work hard, and Slytherins are ambitious.”
“Bet I’m in Hufflepuff,” Shannon said softly. “I’m not brave, smart, or ambitious.”
“I hope I’m in Hufflepuff,” Liam said. “Anything but Slytherin.” He shuddered.
“Slytherin has a reputation for producing evil wizards,” Gwydion explained.
“I’d like to be a Ravenclaw, I think,” Sorsha said. “They probably have lots of books.”
Liam looked sharply over at her. “You like books?”
Sorsha grinned and dug through her trunk, pulling out a small stack of books. “Silly question.”
Liam’s eyes lit up. “I’ve never seen a lot of these before… Can I borrow some?”
As Sorsha and Liam negotiated book exchanges, Gwydion and Shannon talked softly.
“So you’ll lend me these three if I let you borrow these four?” Liam said. Sorsha nodded. “Done.” He handed over the stack and eagerly took the pile Sorsha passed him.
Before either could start reading, the door opened. “Have any of you seen a toad?” a bushy-haired girl asked. “Neville’s lost his.” A skinny, pale boy peered around the girl, his eyes searching the compartment.
“I don’t think so,” Sorsha said. “Good luck finding him.”
“You might want to get your robes on,” the girl said, eyeing their Muggle clothing. She left, her own robes flying behind her, Neville in tow.
Liam stood. “You change first. We’ll wait outside.” He grabbed Gwydion’s arm and tugged him out of the compartment.
The girls dug through their trunks, pushing aside books, tools, and potion ingredients. Sorsha turned the robes around, then the other way up, then shrugged and threw them over her head. She struggled for a few moments before giving up. “Shannon? Can you give me a hand?”
Shannon laughed. “You look like a butterfly that got stuck in its cocoon.” She tugged gently on the fabric, getting the robe turned around the right way.
“Thanks,” Sorsha said as her head popped into view. She shifted uncomfortably in the robes. “Are we supposed to take our clothes off?”
“Beats me,” Shannon replied. She stuck her head out into the corridor. “It’s okay now.”
The boys followed her in, took one look at Sorsha, and laughed. “What? What’s so funny?”
“Your hair,” Liam said.
Sorsha glanced at her reflection in the window and winced. Her straight brown hair was a mess - her part was zigzagging and her fringe stuck out in all directions. She ran her fingers through it, neatening it as much as she could, then turned back. “Better?”
The other three nodded. “Better,” Gwydion confirmed.
“So are we supposed to wear clothes under these or what?” Shannon asked.
Gwydion shrugged. “If you want to. I don’t think it matters that much.” He turned away and pulled off his T-shirt. Sorsha nudged Shannon, and they quietly left the compartment so the boys could change. They stood in the corridor, awkwardly silent, for a long moment.
“You scared?” Sorsha asked quietly.
Shannon nodded. “Terrified.” Their eyes met and they shared a small smile. “I hope my house is as friendly as those two.”
Sorsha smiled. “They are, aren’t they? I hope we’re all in the same house.”
“How are they going to put us in houses?”
“I don’t know. Dad referred to a ‘sorting’ of some kind, so I guess they’ve got some way.”
“I hope it doesn’t hurt.”
Liam opened the door. “You can come back in now.”
The rest of the ride passed quickly in conversation. Liam and Gwydion tried to explain Quidditch to the girls, who in turn tried to explain computers and video games to the boys. Liam’s odd family had moved into the wizarding world, and he’d had as little exposure to most Muggle things as Gwydion. As the train slowed to a stop, they were still talking about television.
“It sounds like magic. People moving and talking inside a box! Just like our photographs,” Gwydion said.
“It’s not magic!” Shannon insisted.
“It’s like photographs, but not quite. There’s a way of taking a lot of still pictures very quickly, then showing them again. It looks like it moves because our eyes get tricked.” Sorsha paused, trying to figure out another way to explain it. “A series of still images, projected in sequence, with each image being shown for a fraction of a second,” she said, rather pleased with that explanation.
“And it looks like it’s moving because our eyes are stupid?” Liam asked.
“Something like that.” Before Sorsha could explain more, the train lurched to a complete stop. “I think we’re here.”
An older student pushed the door open. “First-years? Leave your owls and trunks here, they’ll be taken up for you.” He left, robes flapping, as quickly as he’d appeared.
The four looked at each other, shrugged, and checked one last time to make sure their trunks and owl cages were closed. Sorsha scooped up Domino and placed her on her shoulder. “Ready? Let’s go, then.”
They emerged from the train into organized chaos. The crowd of students carried them towards a line of horseless carriages, until Gwydion caught the yell of “Firs’ years! Firs’ years over here!” The foursome squeezed through the crowd towards the call, which was coming from an enormous man with wild black hair and beard. As they got close, the man called a greeting to one of the students. A skinny boy with unruly black hair, just behind Sorsha, waved back.
“That’s Hagrid,” the boy commented quietly to someone else.
Hagrid herded the first-years towards the lake. “Four to a boat!” he called.
Gwydion, Liam, Shannon, and Sorsha climbed into one of the small white boats. Sorsha put up a hand to reassure Domino, who had dug in her claws at the sight of water. A minute later, when all the boats were full, Hagrid did something and the fleet set off, gliding across the smooth water. Shannon jumped, startled, then started examining their boat. “Where’s the motor? Or do they run on tracks?”
Gwydion laughed. “It’s magic, of course.”
Shannon was spared some teasing by the fact that the boats rounded a spur of land just then, and the castle was suddenly visible. The students collectively gasped at the sight of their new home.
Sorsha was amazed. Hogwarts looked like something out of a fairy tale. It sprawled comfortably on a rise, rambling out into towers, turrets, and courtyards, dark stone lit by the moon and the cheerful yellow light from the windows. She’d hoped for an interesting place when she got her letter, but she’d never dared to hope for a castle!
“Watch yer heads!” Hagrid called as the fleet approached an ivy-covered rockface. Sorsha ducked, and tugged Liam down just in time as their boat passed through the leafy curtain and into a cavern. The boats glided to a stop. “Ev’ryone out!”
Liam and Gwydion gave the girls a hand out of the boat. They joined the milling crowd, which quieted as a stern-faced woman came into view. “They’re all yers, Professor,” Hagrid said.
“Thank you, Hagrid. I am Professor McGonagall. Please follow me.” She turned and led the way up a set of stone stairs and through a series of hallways, then left them in a small room.
“Are we going to be sorted now?” Sorsha said softly.
“I think so,” Liam replied.
“I heard we’ll have to fight a troll,” a red-haired boy said.
The bushy-haired girl from the train scoffed. “I don’t think so, Ron. Honestly!”
Professor McGonagall reappeared, cutting short further speculations. “Please follow me.” Sorsha met Shannon’s nervous glance, then took a deep breath and started walking, acutely aware of the importance of what was about to happen.
2154 words, 95 paragraphs, 266 sentences. 2.7 sentences per paragraph, 8.1 words per sentence, grade level 4.6. (I love Word's summary tools.)
Wanted: criticism! Especially canon-checking (I can't find my book!) and Britishisms.
Is it worth taking further? Anything too blatantly Sue-ish? (How can I fix it?) How's the readability, subjectively? Etc, etc, etc.
Feedback!