(no subject)
I am fighting a war within my own mind.
I am fighting to be normal, or at least stable and balanced - fighting against anger, fear, anxiety, and depression. Most days, I win, or at least stalemate, and I seem to be fairly okay, occasionally even happy. Some days, I lose, and say and do things that frighten and upset me, things that I wish I could take back, but can only apologize for.
I am seeking help, and am taking medications that sometimes have side effects as scary as what they're treating, or are downright counterproductive. It's a biochemical stew that occasionally explodes, between the meds, and hormones, and unbalanced brain chemistry, and all sorts of other factors, possibly even what I ate that day. Even if I've been on a stable dose or combination of meds, things sometimes just blow up for no readily apparent reason.
I need to understand why things happen, in addition to simply what is happening. The nature of my brain makes it impossible for me to understand myself - I don't know what's going on in my head to make me behave this way, let alone why it is that way, which can be extremely distressing in and of itself, even without any other factors. Possibly as a way to compensate, I have a strong need for understanding the logic and reasoning behind things that happen in my life.
I cannot always do things that would seem to be easy. I cannot always take advice, no matter how sound I know it to be - my brain will not let me, sometimes. If I so much as think about some things, I freeze up in terror, or sink into a pit of depression. Some of my triggers are things I know, and some of them seem to change day to day, even minute to minute. It isn't always that I don't want the help - sometimes, it's that I am incapable of accepting it.
Some days... the biochemistry wins. And all I can do is cry.
I am fighting to be normal, or at least stable and balanced - fighting against anger, fear, anxiety, and depression. Most days, I win, or at least stalemate, and I seem to be fairly okay, occasionally even happy. Some days, I lose, and say and do things that frighten and upset me, things that I wish I could take back, but can only apologize for.
I am seeking help, and am taking medications that sometimes have side effects as scary as what they're treating, or are downright counterproductive. It's a biochemical stew that occasionally explodes, between the meds, and hormones, and unbalanced brain chemistry, and all sorts of other factors, possibly even what I ate that day. Even if I've been on a stable dose or combination of meds, things sometimes just blow up for no readily apparent reason.
I need to understand why things happen, in addition to simply what is happening. The nature of my brain makes it impossible for me to understand myself - I don't know what's going on in my head to make me behave this way, let alone why it is that way, which can be extremely distressing in and of itself, even without any other factors. Possibly as a way to compensate, I have a strong need for understanding the logic and reasoning behind things that happen in my life.
I cannot always do things that would seem to be easy. I cannot always take advice, no matter how sound I know it to be - my brain will not let me, sometimes. If I so much as think about some things, I freeze up in terror, or sink into a pit of depression. Some of my triggers are things I know, and some of them seem to change day to day, even minute to minute. It isn't always that I don't want the help - sometimes, it's that I am incapable of accepting it.
Some days... the biochemistry wins. And all I can do is cry.