Just a Thought
I think back on all the times I almost killed myself. In junior high when my best friend turned on me and became friends with people who hated me. They all joined together to make my life a living hell. I remember walking the halls, wishing I could just cut myself. I'd go home and think to myself, "I have this bottle of pills. Why don't I down the whole bottle?" But then I'd think of those who really mattered. The friends I did have. My family. Myself. I kept living each day. I hardened myself to their words and actions. I became numb. I thought that being numb was better than being in pain and being dead.
In high school, things turned around. I had more friends. But also more heartbreaks. Like my on-again off-again boyfriend coming out of the closet. I was so.....I don't even know what I was. I punched a few lockers. Bitched out a few people. Felt like beating him to a pulp for not coming out sooner. It later turned out he was one of the best people to check out guys with.
College was the worst for me, I think. I went away, I needed to get away. I met and fell for Johanna. Probably the biggest mistake of my life. I loved her as I loved no other girl before that. I scared her, I think. She turned and became terrible. Our friends tried not to take sides. But because I was so accustomed to being a loner, I pusehd them away. All except Samantha.
Samantha was my strong-hold on life. She'd been abused by her then boyfriend. We helped each other and stuck around for that. I never got to thank her for being my anchor. My lifeline. I found a reason to live because of her friendship.
In the last five years, I can honestly say that I have thought of killing myself at one time. My husband's ex-girlfriend came into our lives with the promise of a poly-relationship. Like a gullible shit, I fell for it. I don't know if I didn't make myself clear about things we wanted out of trying this, but she tried to wiggle her sleazy, skanky ass between me and my husband. He was turning away from me, and I thought about ending my life.
I left my family for him. I left my friends for him. I didn't stop contacting them, I just moved away. (Wisonsin to Texas) I had no one to share my pain. I was pregnant and I felt utterly alone. I always thought that I'd take pills to end it all. Take a bunch then fall asleep. Painless. Then I'd feel my baby boy moving within me. How could I have even thought of something so selfish?
I look at my boy today, and I want to burst into tears for what I thought of doing. He's a year old now. It's been a year since I had those thoughts. He is my own little miracle. He kept me from hurting myself and him. I think of what my life was like a year and a half ago, and a feeling of dread falls over me. So many questions are unanswered. I want to ask him why we allowed this to happen. I want to ask her why she would do such a thing to us. Why she would take my son's father away from him. Her daughter grew up without a father. Why would she put the same fate and feelings on someone else?
I hate her. For what she did. For what she would have and could have done. I think of it, and I see inside myself. I see the red and black in my aura because of her. The disease her actions have placed within me. I have never hated someone as much as I hate her.
*Take a deep breath, Kristin. Don't let the anger and pain consume you. Feel the white and blue air in. Send the red and black out.*
I like to go shooting. Whose face do you think I see. Heh.
I do have to thank her, though. My marriage has never been better. My family is closer because of this experience. I know without a doubt that my husband loves me and is faithful to me. He's there for his son, even if he works a lot and doesn't get to see him a lot. I know that because of her and what happened, I will NEVER let anything like that happen ever again.
Jordana H. Fuck you. You are a whore. A no-good homewrecking bitch from the deepest and lowest pits of Hell. If I were the type of person to try to curse you, if I didn't believe that what I put out into this world will come back at me one day, I would curse you to such unbelievable horrors that your mind would shatter and crumble and leave you a vegetable for all eternity.
But, I am not that type of person. You have what you do in life because of your own actions. You are getting back what you put out. I feel sorry for you. You are miserable because you have made others miserable. I won't condemn you. I won't curse you. But I won't help you either. Would I save you if you were dying, I'd try to. But beyond that....nothing.
*I write this to try to work through the pain and anguish I felt because things in my life. I know that no one has the perfect life. Unless your a Stepford Wife or something. I was in counseling at school, and it helped. Now, I have no money, so couseling is out of the question. I will rant and rave about things in my life. I have a lot of pent-up anger and sadness and negative emotions. Who doesn't? This will be my way to deal with them. I don't expect you to care. I don't expect a kind word. I'm just seeking my own closure.*