If you read all of this, you are amazing
I seem to only ever update when I'm sad/angry, and I'm sorry you have to read it. I just really hate life rn. Everything I've ever worked for is going down the drain. I guess whether anyone reads this will be of little consequence; I'm just in desperate need of a place to spill out all my thoughts and problems, and where else to go but here? I feel so stifled irl.
So as some of you may know, I'm going through the dreaded process of university applications. Or rather - the point at which I sit like a useless duck and wait to hear from them. I mean, you can probably guess why I'm so devastated now.I picked Cambridge amongst 4 others - never really expecting to get in at all. After my interview went appallingly, I was so surprised that I got into the winter pool (at this point you either get accepted/rejected/pooled which is like reconsidered) but I still didn't expect much since the interview was so awful. I cringe thinking about it idek what bullshit came spouting out of my mouth omg.
When I got rejected in the end I was a bit bummed, but neither surprised nor overly upset. After all, the uni that I really wanted to get into was Durham or UCL. Out of these two unis I was definitely expecting to get offers from at least one - but I was crushed when I got rejected from UCL, the day after i got rejected from cambridge. That was a spectacularly shit week.
Well, I held out for Durham. It was the one uni that I had always wanted to go to, and their course is perfect for what I want to do - english and french, and it offers a lot of flexibility. And fan-fucking-tastic, I got my rejection today. I have no idea how to feel, really. I feel like everything I have worked so fucking hard for has just all gone up in smoke. What makes it even worse is that 2 of my close friends both got into Durham, and they have worse grades than me. I don't mean to be conceited, but with all my 11 A*s at GCSE and 4 As and a B at AS, I was fairly confident that I'd get into one of the two, even if my course is really competitive.
Oh, forgot to mention, one of those friends got into that exact course. Granted, it's a combined honours of arts course and she's doing french and spanish whereas I'm doing english and french, but still. It's like a slap to the face since she found out about her acceptance AT THE SAME TIME that I got my rejection email, and I hold better grades than her.
I couldn't even cry. I still haven't.
Finding out about UCL's rejection actually happened a few weeks ago, but I still haven't told my parents. More like, I haven't told anyone about any of my rejections. If anyone's reading this, you're the first to hear. I just can't bear the disappointment and shame I feel. I'm supposed to get into a good university, it's expected of me. But left and right, others are getting offers from the places where I'm getting rejected, and it's just so fucking disheartening. What was the point of excelling in my exams and participating in so much when in the end, I get rejected? What was the point of getting better results than others, if in the end, they're the ones who get accepted? Fuck my life.
Being away from home doesn't help, either. I haven't been homesick in like, 5 years, but right now all I want to do is hug my mum and tell her I'm sorry. I'm sorry I disappointed her, and everyone else who had expectations in me - my parents, my grandma - they were so proud of me, and so happy for me, and now all I can say is I got rejected. Ok so I'm actually crying now I don't know what to do with my life, I'm so confused, I can't believe this is actually happening. I have nothing. All I have are my parents. Friends? I wish I had a friendship that I could say would last a lifetime. I wish I could be the type of person to be surrounded by people who genuinely love me - but how could that possibly happen when I dislike the majority of my year? I guess I used to be fairly popular, then I got into Jrock/Jpop, and slowly became an outcast. I picked my fandom over my "friends" - but surely if they were real friends they wouldn't mind, right? And now, ironically, my fandoms are what save me from constant depression. Besides, I constantly travel back and forth between HK and school, and who wants a friend who's away during the holidays, and stuck at school the rest of the time? I'm friends with overseas boarders because we know what it's like. We know how much it sucks. And it really, really sucks.
I guess I thought everything would be better at university. I would make new friends, forget the life I have right now, forget about the bitterness I have inside me. But whoop-de-fucking-doo, they don't want me either. They only people who haven't abandoned me are my parents, and they're thousands of miles away, not even aware of how much I'm hurting right now - how much I have hurt over the years I've been in england. I lie lie lie to them, so that they wouldn't worry about me, so that they'd think I was happy, that they made the right decision. I know it's hard for them, and I didn't want to make it any harder.
How the fuck am I supposed to tell them that everything they have sacrificed for me to come here has been for nothing? How could I live with that? The effort, money, tears that have gone into my education so far has amounted to nothing, and it's not like I was a lazy fuck who did no work and deserves this. I have good grades. Fucking A*s in all 11 of my subjects at GCSE. I have a shining reference. Why did no uni want me omg what is wrong with my life. Nothing ever goes right. Ok i think all the tears i needed to cry this past week just came out this past half hour I have been typing this.
I apologise if I sound whiny, it's not my intention. I just feel so lost and empty. I guess I do feel a little better after writing all this out, even though it barely skims the surface of the shittiness of my life and how I feel rn.
Tomorrow I'll put on a bright smiley face and continue to act as if nothing's wrong, because that seems to be the only thing I'm good at.
So as some of you may know, I'm going through the dreaded process of university applications. Or rather - the point at which I sit like a useless duck and wait to hear from them. I mean, you can probably guess why I'm so devastated now.I picked Cambridge amongst 4 others - never really expecting to get in at all. After my interview went appallingly, I was so surprised that I got into the winter pool (at this point you either get accepted/rejected/pooled which is like reconsidered) but I still didn't expect much since the interview was so awful. I cringe thinking about it idek what bullshit came spouting out of my mouth omg.
When I got rejected in the end I was a bit bummed, but neither surprised nor overly upset. After all, the uni that I really wanted to get into was Durham or UCL. Out of these two unis I was definitely expecting to get offers from at least one - but I was crushed when I got rejected from UCL, the day after i got rejected from cambridge. That was a spectacularly shit week.
Well, I held out for Durham. It was the one uni that I had always wanted to go to, and their course is perfect for what I want to do - english and french, and it offers a lot of flexibility. And fan-fucking-tastic, I got my rejection today. I have no idea how to feel, really. I feel like everything I have worked so fucking hard for has just all gone up in smoke. What makes it even worse is that 2 of my close friends both got into Durham, and they have worse grades than me. I don't mean to be conceited, but with all my 11 A*s at GCSE and 4 As and a B at AS, I was fairly confident that I'd get into one of the two, even if my course is really competitive.
Oh, forgot to mention, one of those friends got into that exact course. Granted, it's a combined honours of arts course and she's doing french and spanish whereas I'm doing english and french, but still. It's like a slap to the face since she found out about her acceptance AT THE SAME TIME that I got my rejection email, and I hold better grades than her.
I couldn't even cry. I still haven't.
Finding out about UCL's rejection actually happened a few weeks ago, but I still haven't told my parents. More like, I haven't told anyone about any of my rejections. If anyone's reading this, you're the first to hear. I just can't bear the disappointment and shame I feel. I'm supposed to get into a good university, it's expected of me. But left and right, others are getting offers from the places where I'm getting rejected, and it's just so fucking disheartening. What was the point of excelling in my exams and participating in so much when in the end, I get rejected? What was the point of getting better results than others, if in the end, they're the ones who get accepted? Fuck my life.
Being away from home doesn't help, either. I haven't been homesick in like, 5 years, but right now all I want to do is hug my mum and tell her I'm sorry. I'm sorry I disappointed her, and everyone else who had expectations in me - my parents, my grandma - they were so proud of me, and so happy for me, and now all I can say is I got rejected. Ok so I'm actually crying now I don't know what to do with my life, I'm so confused, I can't believe this is actually happening. I have nothing. All I have are my parents. Friends? I wish I had a friendship that I could say would last a lifetime. I wish I could be the type of person to be surrounded by people who genuinely love me - but how could that possibly happen when I dislike the majority of my year? I guess I used to be fairly popular, then I got into Jrock/Jpop, and slowly became an outcast. I picked my fandom over my "friends" - but surely if they were real friends they wouldn't mind, right? And now, ironically, my fandoms are what save me from constant depression. Besides, I constantly travel back and forth between HK and school, and who wants a friend who's away during the holidays, and stuck at school the rest of the time? I'm friends with overseas boarders because we know what it's like. We know how much it sucks. And it really, really sucks.
I guess I thought everything would be better at university. I would make new friends, forget the life I have right now, forget about the bitterness I have inside me. But whoop-de-fucking-doo, they don't want me either. They only people who haven't abandoned me are my parents, and they're thousands of miles away, not even aware of how much I'm hurting right now - how much I have hurt over the years I've been in england. I lie lie lie to them, so that they wouldn't worry about me, so that they'd think I was happy, that they made the right decision. I know it's hard for them, and I didn't want to make it any harder.
How the fuck am I supposed to tell them that everything they have sacrificed for me to come here has been for nothing? How could I live with that? The effort, money, tears that have gone into my education so far has amounted to nothing, and it's not like I was a lazy fuck who did no work and deserves this. I have good grades. Fucking A*s in all 11 of my subjects at GCSE. I have a shining reference. Why did no uni want me omg what is wrong with my life. Nothing ever goes right. Ok i think all the tears i needed to cry this past week just came out this past half hour I have been typing this.
I apologise if I sound whiny, it's not my intention. I just feel so lost and empty. I guess I do feel a little better after writing all this out, even though it barely skims the surface of the shittiness of my life and how I feel rn.
Tomorrow I'll put on a bright smiley face and continue to act as if nothing's wrong, because that seems to be the only thing I'm good at.