Ongoing Comedy Challenge: Sesshoumaru & Friends
Series Title: Inuyasha Sells Out!
Series Overview: this series will include some one-shots written for a collection at mm.org. The link for the complete collection is: http://www.mediaminer.org/fanfic/view_st.php/165621
The premise of the series is the Inuyasha characters selling out and appearing in TV commercials. The entire series is CRACK and each chapter is stand-alone. If the chapter parodies a real commercial, I will post a link to it. Enjoy!
Title: Sesshoumaru for Coca-Cola
Author: kingbaka22
Rating: R
Word Count: 1,180
Warnings: Crack!, language
Actual Commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xffOCZYX6F8
(The Mean Joe Green Ad, an American classic!)
A proud Inu-youkai hobbles off the battlefield, bruised and bloodied, but victorious. A small girl trails in his wake, holding a bottle of Coca-Cola.
“Sesshoumaru-sama? Hey, Sesshoumaru-sama?”
“Yes?” he finally replies, turning to face her. His face is tired and ragged, but his eyes still blaze with the passion of the fight.
“You…need any help?”
“This Sesshoumaru does not require the aid of weak humans.”
“Cut!” The director advances onto the set, and the taiyoukai turns to regard him stonily.
“Something wrong?”
“That isn’t the line, Sesshoumaru. Most of our consumers are humans, and I don’t think you talking down to them would go over very well. From the top, people!”
The commercial began again. “You…need any help?”
“No,” Sesshoumaru replied this time, turning and beginning to move away.
“I just want you to know,” the girl said quietly, “I think…I think…well, I think you’re my big puppy and I wuv you, Sesshoumaru-sama.”
“Cut! Rin, sweetie, you can’t make up your own lines. You have to say what’s in the script.”
“Aw, but your lines are boring. Mine are better.”
“Please, Rin,” Sesshoumaru interjected, looking slightly embarrassed. “Just say their lines so we can go home.”
“Ok, Sesshoumaru-sama,” the girl responded, blinking big doe eyes up at him. The taiyoukai hastily looked away.
They tried again. “I think…I think…you’re the…best ever!”
“I know I am.”
“Cut! Dammit, Sesshoumaru. Could you please try to show some humility for once? I mean, you…you…” the director trailed off, thoroughly intimidated by the furious glare Sesshoumaru sent his way. The taiyoukai wouldn’t kill him in front of Rin, but when the girl wasn’t around… “A-alright then, let’s try it again!”
They did so. “…you’re the…best ever!”
“Yeah…sure.”
“Want my coke? It’s ok, you can have it.”
“No.”
“Really, you can have it.”
“Ok,” the taiyoukai says, finally relenting. He reaches for the coke, and after a ‘thanks,’ proceeds to chug the whole thing while the girl watches in amazement. Then she turn and begins to walk dejectedly away.
“See you around.”
Sesshoumaru finishes the coke and opens his mouth to speak.
*BEEEEELLLCCHH!!!!!!*
“Holy crap! That was the biggest one I ever heard!” the director exclaims as the crew erupts in laughter.
Sesshoumaru glares at him again. “If you tell me I have to drink another of those, I’m going to lop your head off.”
The director gulps. “Uh, Jerry? Can we phase in the rest of the scene?”
“Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem,” his assistant responds, causing the director to sigh in relief.
“Alright, Sesshoumaru, just put the bottle to your lips and pretend you just finished it. And…action!”
“Hey, kid,” the taiyoukai calls to the departing Rin, who turns to gaze at him. “Catch.” With that, he tosses Rin his Mokomoko-sama, which she catches in both hands.
“Wow!” she exclaims, and is about to move on to her final line when she notices something. “Oh, it’s so soft and cuddly! I wanna wrap it around me and never let go!” She proceeds to do just that, settling down on the ground, entirely encased in her new blanket/mattress. Within moments she is sound asleep.
By this point the director has his head in his hands and is on the verge of tears. “Jerry, wake her up.”
“Do not wake her up,” Sesshoumaru orders, death in his tone. He gently picks Rin up and carries her to his dressing room. He returns without the Mokomoko-sama.
“Well, this is just great,” the director whines. “Not only do we not have another child handy, but you’ll have to toss something else! Your armour, maybe? Oooh! What about that toad-thing who follows you around?”
Sesshoumaru nods. “Jaken!”
“Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama?” the little youkai asks, panting slightly from his sprint to his lord’s call.
“Uh, sir?” Jerry says to the director. “The script calls for an adorable child…”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought I was the director! You got any better ideas, genius?!”
Jerry sighed. “Makeup isn’t going to like it…”
***
“Oh, Kami, what did they do to him? He looks like a cheap frog prostitute!”
“Hey!”
“Well, whatever. I guess we’ll have to go with it. Action!”
The scene began again. “Hey, kid. Catch.”
*CLANG!!!*
“Ugh,” the director moans, “you’re supposed to catch the armour with your hands, Jaken, not your head. Jaken? Oh, bloody hell, he’s out cold. Someone drag him back to Sesshoumaru’s room.” He glances at Sesshoumaru, but the taiyoukai doesn’t seem to particularly care. He supposed there was nothing else he could do except engage in some serious ass kissing.
“Sesshoumaru, please, we need Rin. Coke is going to have my ass if we don’t get this done in one day. You might not get paid either,” he added, since he didn’t have much faith in Sesshoumaru’s sympathy bone. The taiyoukai narrowed his eyes dangerously, but went to wake his charge. Rin returned clutching Sesshoumaru’s hand with one of hers and rubbing her eyes with the other. It was the most adorable thing any of them had ever seen. If we can get that little girl to say her lines on camera, this ad should be golden!
“Alright, let’s start from Sesshoumaru finishing his coke. Action!”
Rin caught the Mokomoko-sama no problem, and this time she was able to resist ad-libbing. “Wow…thanks Sesshoumaru-sama.”
All eyes turned to Sesshoumaru for the final scene, where he would flash a heart-stopping smile and give everyone in American a case of the warm and fuzzies. At least, that was the plan. What the taiyoukai actually did was…nothing.
“Cut! Sesshoumaru, you have to smile! The slogan on the screen will be ‘Have a Coke and a smile,’ and that doesn’t work if you’re not smiling! We just have that last part left, so when you do it you can go home.”
Sesshoumaru nodded, and tried to smile. His lips turned up ever so slightly, and just a hint of teeth shown through. It was the most evil-looking expression any of the humans had ever seen.
“I feel like I wanna crap my pants,” the cameraman said.
“A shiver ran down my spine,” the director agreed.
“I’ve never been so creeped out in my life,” added Jerry. There was a moment of silence as the humans considered their options.
“Ah, fuck it!” the director declared. “We’ll just photoshop a smile on him. You can go, Sesshoumaru. Thanks for, um…trying.”
***
“Ribbit.”
“Ribbit.”
“Sesshoumaru-sama? What’s wrong with Jaken-sama?”
“He hasn’t recovered from the blow to the head. He thinks he’s a frog.”
“Ribbit.”
“Oh…I think I like him better this way!”
“Agreed.”
*briiiiiiiing*
Sesshoumaru answered the phone, listening to the voice of a Coke official on the other end.
“After further deliberation, we have decided not to air the advertisement you did for us yesterday. About the matter of your payment, we are unable-”
“It will be transferred to my bank account by this evening,” Sesshoumaru interrupted. There was a long pause on the other end, as the official obviously came to terms with the silent ‘or else’ at the end of the taiyoukai’s statement.
“Uh…yes, it will.”
*click*