Shattered
"She's wearing such a fucked up shirt." I looked up, carelessly listening in on the conversation going on ahead of me. I blinked in surprise when I realized who these people were looking at. The three freshman looked back at each other and laughed. I found myself flushed with embarrassment as I looked down at my clothing. A simple black t-shirt. No cuts. No stains. No print.
I let my head hang low, not trusting myself to look up at anyone. Why was I hated so much? What was so revolting about me that kept people away from me? Was it the way I dressed? Was it the way I walked? The way a talked? The fact I rarely talked? Was it my shyness? What was so horrible that kept these people from befriending me?
I arrived at my locker, holding back the tears that threatened to fall. I would not shed a tear for these people. These horrible people didn't deserve my sorrow and tears. I hated them. I wished them gone.
-----
I sighed as I arrived to my Physics class. I casually took my seat at the front and was immediately attacked by careless insults from the girl to my right. Was she aware of how much her playful yet careless insults hurt me? I just shrugged them off, not wishing to let something else upset me again.
I didn't know how it happened but suddenly, I found myself be drawn into her conversation with the senior at our table.
"Don't say that Joanna. You're going to make a lot of friends when you go to college." Lilia was a senior and wise for her age. Although her words didn't sound as comforting as they were meant to be, I could always see the logic behind them.
"I don't know. I've just been losing all my friends lately. They're either going to college, moving, or they're turned into sluts. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. The only friend I have left is Natalie here but she's getting tired of me. Right whore?" I looked up when she addressed the last part to me. I frowned at her insult. I wasn't a whore. I knew it was just her way of calling her friends "friend" but it was still insulting to me and I did not consider her my friend. Would someone who insulted me and attacked me with sarcastic comments on a daily basis truly be considered a friend?
"You can't just give up. You won't go far if you always give up on everything you find challenging in life," I ignored her question and got right to business. I doubted what she was talking about was true. She had her perfect life.
"Oh shut up Natalie. You've got the perfect grades. You don't have a say in this," although she masked her anger well behind her obviously rude comeback, I could still sense she wasn't pleased by my response.
"I'm just saying that you shouldn't let the littlest things affect you. Sure, it's a big deal because friends are an important part of your life but there are plenty of opportunities for you. Things don't work out for a reason. Another chance will come. Just don't give up." I was such a hypocrite. Giving up was what I had been thinking of doing since day one. So why hadn't I done so by now?
This seemed to shut her up though. She turned back to Lilia and I got back to work. It troubled me that someone like her would be discussing such a personal matter out loud, though. I looked around for a moment to ponder. Were these people capable of sorrow?
-----
I came to a stop by the parking lot to wait for my mother to arrive and take me home. I looked around for a bit and paced, bored and impatient to be home now. I hated this place and didn't want to stay here any longer than I had to. I decided to take out my iPod to listen to some music while I waited.
I turned the dial to Trading Yesterday and put my music on random. I closed my eyes and let my mind focus on the music...on the lyrics. The song "Shattered" suddenly came up and I opened my eyes slowly and watched my classmates walk past me.
I took a good look at their expressions, at the appearance, at their aurora. My eyes saddened as I watched one girl wipe at her swollen eyes, masking the unshed tears. I wandered off to a boy walking with his friends, his smile somehow looked faked. I switched to a girl walking home on her own, a broken heart drawn on her wrist. My eyes watered as more and more people passed passed me.
These people....they truly were human after all... All these years I wasted hating them for the pain they put me through...when all along, they had problems of their own.
I closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall, the final verse of the song ringing in my ear.
And I've lost who I am, (i'm waiting)
and I can't understand (and fading)
Why my heart is so broken, (and holding)
rejecting your love, (love) without, (onto these tears)
love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on (i am crying)
But I know, all I know's that the end's beginning (i'm dying tonight)
who I am from the start, (i'm waiting)
take me home to my heart (and fading)
Let me go and I will run, (and holding)
I will not be silent, (silent) all this time (onto these tears)
spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain (i am crying)
All is lost but hope remains and this war's not over (i'm dying tonight)
There's a light, there's a sun (i'm waiting...)
taking all these shattered ones
To the place we belong (i am waiting...)
and his love will conquer all
These people were just like me. They cried. They got hurt. They were shattered ones too. I suddenly found myself unable to hate them. They caused me so much pain, yet, this realization woke me up. How can I hate someone who is hurt just like me? I'll change their minds. I'll give them hope. Someday....someday I'll take everyone's pain away....
I let my head hang low, not trusting myself to look up at anyone. Why was I hated so much? What was so revolting about me that kept people away from me? Was it the way I dressed? Was it the way I walked? The way a talked? The fact I rarely talked? Was it my shyness? What was so horrible that kept these people from befriending me?
I arrived at my locker, holding back the tears that threatened to fall. I would not shed a tear for these people. These horrible people didn't deserve my sorrow and tears. I hated them. I wished them gone.
-----
I sighed as I arrived to my Physics class. I casually took my seat at the front and was immediately attacked by careless insults from the girl to my right. Was she aware of how much her playful yet careless insults hurt me? I just shrugged them off, not wishing to let something else upset me again.
I didn't know how it happened but suddenly, I found myself be drawn into her conversation with the senior at our table.
"Don't say that Joanna. You're going to make a lot of friends when you go to college." Lilia was a senior and wise for her age. Although her words didn't sound as comforting as they were meant to be, I could always see the logic behind them.
"I don't know. I've just been losing all my friends lately. They're either going to college, moving, or they're turned into sluts. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. The only friend I have left is Natalie here but she's getting tired of me. Right whore?" I looked up when she addressed the last part to me. I frowned at her insult. I wasn't a whore. I knew it was just her way of calling her friends "friend" but it was still insulting to me and I did not consider her my friend. Would someone who insulted me and attacked me with sarcastic comments on a daily basis truly be considered a friend?
"You can't just give up. You won't go far if you always give up on everything you find challenging in life," I ignored her question and got right to business. I doubted what she was talking about was true. She had her perfect life.
"Oh shut up Natalie. You've got the perfect grades. You don't have a say in this," although she masked her anger well behind her obviously rude comeback, I could still sense she wasn't pleased by my response.
"I'm just saying that you shouldn't let the littlest things affect you. Sure, it's a big deal because friends are an important part of your life but there are plenty of opportunities for you. Things don't work out for a reason. Another chance will come. Just don't give up." I was such a hypocrite. Giving up was what I had been thinking of doing since day one. So why hadn't I done so by now?
This seemed to shut her up though. She turned back to Lilia and I got back to work. It troubled me that someone like her would be discussing such a personal matter out loud, though. I looked around for a moment to ponder. Were these people capable of sorrow?
-----
I came to a stop by the parking lot to wait for my mother to arrive and take me home. I looked around for a bit and paced, bored and impatient to be home now. I hated this place and didn't want to stay here any longer than I had to. I decided to take out my iPod to listen to some music while I waited.
I turned the dial to Trading Yesterday and put my music on random. I closed my eyes and let my mind focus on the music...on the lyrics. The song "Shattered" suddenly came up and I opened my eyes slowly and watched my classmates walk past me.
I took a good look at their expressions, at the appearance, at their aurora. My eyes saddened as I watched one girl wipe at her swollen eyes, masking the unshed tears. I wandered off to a boy walking with his friends, his smile somehow looked faked. I switched to a girl walking home on her own, a broken heart drawn on her wrist. My eyes watered as more and more people passed passed me.
These people....they truly were human after all... All these years I wasted hating them for the pain they put me through...when all along, they had problems of their own.
I closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall, the final verse of the song ringing in my ear.
And I've lost who I am, (i'm waiting)
and I can't understand (and fading)
Why my heart is so broken, (and holding)
rejecting your love, (love) without, (onto these tears)
love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on (i am crying)
But I know, all I know's that the end's beginning (i'm dying tonight)
who I am from the start, (i'm waiting)
take me home to my heart (and fading)
Let me go and I will run, (and holding)
I will not be silent, (silent) all this time (onto these tears)
spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain (i am crying)
All is lost but hope remains and this war's not over (i'm dying tonight)
There's a light, there's a sun (i'm waiting...)
taking all these shattered ones
To the place we belong (i am waiting...)
and his love will conquer all
These people were just like me. They cried. They got hurt. They were shattered ones too. I suddenly found myself unable to hate them. They caused me so much pain, yet, this realization woke me up. How can I hate someone who is hurt just like me? I'll change their minds. I'll give them hope. Someday....someday I'll take everyone's pain away....