(no subject)
i know that i am going to hate this post and probably delete this later. but, being here seems as though this is the one thing i can relate to, or vent towards. this double life of two cities is old. coming back here means being somebody else at times and just having to accpet the things that have changed and deal with them when i am not ready to. some of these changes have been good for myself i must say, but, its all quite fast paced. the plans are pretty much off for new years in san francisco just as i had predicted. it was a nice thought though. we always get these great ideas that sound extremely fun but once they get nearer we just become our lazy selves and put them aside with excuses of no money or too much work. well, fun doesn't just shit on your head everyday i would say you need to make it. meh, nonetheless, i am not surprised and basically over it. i am already here in buttfuck nowhere for christmas so i guess not having to come home then leave right for san francisco is fine with me. i am over hanging out with people who i don't keep in contcat with in SF. i only want to be around these people. these people are the people they have always been towards me and everybody else. these people i love and we love eachother no matter the situation either of us are going through. these people are true friends who are deep and not consumed by agoura nightlife and the party scene.(hipocrit?). these people are genuwine. its ok though, i don't hate these "other" people its just that i am not going to be the person i tried not to be for 18 years of my life. so, if people are ignorant enough then they can have a great time going to town with me. i am me and you're just gonna have to deal with it. and if you can't then we probably were never friends to begin with. which is fine. LA makes me feel self concious like the need to pretend to be something that i am not. i love this city but when you leave then come back to it you realize what a facade everything really is and how its superficiality can consume you. i just want to be happy. happy in SF.
on a lighter, more depressing note, i hate this time of year. christmas music makes me want to vomit. even more so when people plan christmas parties and get all happy go lucky over the damn holiday. yeah, it happens every fuckin year at the same time and nothings usually any different so why get so excited about it. unless you're a spoiled bastard i guess, which im not. i picked out my gifts yesterday. apple speakers, vans chuck boots, strangers with candy dvd and a joy division shirt. still, i hate myself because i have done ZERO shopping for anybody else. yes, two days until christmas and i have boughten no gifts for anybody in the fam. i am too annoyed with everything to think about this so called joyous time and scurry to the mall to wait in lines, parking spots, and not knowing what to get people. i will probably end up resorting to the internet even though the gifts will very likely get here after the holiday but its the thought that counts eh? possibly even make a couple gifts with my free time. oh, so i actually have gotten one gift for a person but he's not even in my family. eamon decides its absolutely neccessary that we exchange gifts so he got me this cool sweater from urbn and what i got for him is this t-shirt prolly coming today from this really cool company called rezistance.com . eamon is too nice. i swear ever since getting out of insight has made him the most perfect genuwine person i have ever met. i wish i can be a friend like that to people. no lies just love. blah, but i don't even know if i will be friends with him for that much longer because shit is getting to THAT point ladies and gentlemen. i can't be his friend for too much longer as much as i think about it every single day. when i wake up in the morning to right before i close my eyes. how can something so good cause somebody so much pain? its time to be truthful, even if it kills me.
on a lighter, more depressing note, i hate this time of year. christmas music makes me want to vomit. even more so when people plan christmas parties and get all happy go lucky over the damn holiday. yeah, it happens every fuckin year at the same time and nothings usually any different so why get so excited about it. unless you're a spoiled bastard i guess, which im not. i picked out my gifts yesterday. apple speakers, vans chuck boots, strangers with candy dvd and a joy division shirt. still, i hate myself because i have done ZERO shopping for anybody else. yes, two days until christmas and i have boughten no gifts for anybody in the fam. i am too annoyed with everything to think about this so called joyous time and scurry to the mall to wait in lines, parking spots, and not knowing what to get people. i will probably end up resorting to the internet even though the gifts will very likely get here after the holiday but its the thought that counts eh? possibly even make a couple gifts with my free time. oh, so i actually have gotten one gift for a person but he's not even in my family. eamon decides its absolutely neccessary that we exchange gifts so he got me this cool sweater from urbn and what i got for him is this t-shirt prolly coming today from this really cool company called rezistance.com . eamon is too nice. i swear ever since getting out of insight has made him the most perfect genuwine person i have ever met. i wish i can be a friend like that to people. no lies just love. blah, but i don't even know if i will be friends with him for that much longer because shit is getting to THAT point ladies and gentlemen. i can't be his friend for too much longer as much as i think about it every single day. when i wake up in the morning to right before i close my eyes. how can something so good cause somebody so much pain? its time to be truthful, even if it kills me.