Muttle is a wonderful word
I've really come to realize how thinking may not be so good for me.
i do it too often, too much, and too deeply and therefor regret the thinking i do because my mind just wanders soo off course that its just not rational any more.
I dont know how to act around people. just in general. im so disconnected that i will either be a stranger or a friend. but neither can be held to closely as a definition of the relationship because i seem to change it all to swiftly.
Im really excited to live completely on my own (perhaps with rose) next year. But at the same time, i keep to myself as it is living with 3 other people and have social friends all around me with in a quartermile radius. So next year, on my own, im severly fearing that i will reject all thoughts of real person to person relationships, friends or otherwise. I mean, i know i will spend a rediculous amount of time painting and doing art and photography, but im afraid i will just be in that apartment only doing those things, and playing with the kids and not allowing myself to leave the apartment because im too afraid and too nervous to leave and make an effort to get to know people.
My nerves are the bane of my own existance.
I can so easily reject the idea of something or doing something or saying something if i am nervous. and i mean this is no every once in awhile thing, i get so nervous when i have to deal with other people. like their not sure what to make of me so i have to make sure i say the right things and do the right things and act the right way. the funniest part is when i am trying to make sure i do all these right things, thats usually when i act the weirdest, like people just dont know what to do because i thinkt hey can tell its not me. im perhaps more transperent than it think i am.
i dont think i have anxiety attacks or anything, i just think i need to relearn how to act when i dont know someone or when im in a place that requires real conversation ( other than the coffee depot because those are all the regulars and ive gotten comfterable with them)
its the comfort level i guess that makes me go crazy. and i think im uncomfterable with alot of things because i mean, i havent had a real friend that i have stayed tride and true friends with for than a year. which maybe sounds like a long time. but i mean friends are supposed to be forever right?
I mean i have friends that i go in and out of hanging out with and being close with, but theres never a constant person i can rely on as someone i can call up and be like hi, i need to talk or hi, im bored, entertain me. and i knwo that all my current friends and aquantances would say audrey hey anytime you need to talk, you know you can call me. but the thing is, its never that easy.
i suppose i should muttle this over to think it through.
I saw the sunset today. I was stuck on the bridge at sunset and it was magnificent. i was literally stuck there from the time it was just about to set to the time it was way beyond set and allt he colors were fading.
I just couldnt help but become so weak when i was watching it. it was so beautiful. the most amazing colors that i could never repeat with paint.
i suppose its just not as beautiful when you didnt get to see it, but trust me, for someone that has seen and photgraphed a whole lot of sunsets. This was a fucking fantastic sunset, the kind that leaves you breathless and calm and stuck in a moment that you think lasts for hours but only takes seconds.
i do it too often, too much, and too deeply and therefor regret the thinking i do because my mind just wanders soo off course that its just not rational any more.
I dont know how to act around people. just in general. im so disconnected that i will either be a stranger or a friend. but neither can be held to closely as a definition of the relationship because i seem to change it all to swiftly.
Im really excited to live completely on my own (perhaps with rose) next year. But at the same time, i keep to myself as it is living with 3 other people and have social friends all around me with in a quartermile radius. So next year, on my own, im severly fearing that i will reject all thoughts of real person to person relationships, friends or otherwise. I mean, i know i will spend a rediculous amount of time painting and doing art and photography, but im afraid i will just be in that apartment only doing those things, and playing with the kids and not allowing myself to leave the apartment because im too afraid and too nervous to leave and make an effort to get to know people.
My nerves are the bane of my own existance.
I can so easily reject the idea of something or doing something or saying something if i am nervous. and i mean this is no every once in awhile thing, i get so nervous when i have to deal with other people. like their not sure what to make of me so i have to make sure i say the right things and do the right things and act the right way. the funniest part is when i am trying to make sure i do all these right things, thats usually when i act the weirdest, like people just dont know what to do because i thinkt hey can tell its not me. im perhaps more transperent than it think i am.
i dont think i have anxiety attacks or anything, i just think i need to relearn how to act when i dont know someone or when im in a place that requires real conversation ( other than the coffee depot because those are all the regulars and ive gotten comfterable with them)
its the comfort level i guess that makes me go crazy. and i think im uncomfterable with alot of things because i mean, i havent had a real friend that i have stayed tride and true friends with for than a year. which maybe sounds like a long time. but i mean friends are supposed to be forever right?
I mean i have friends that i go in and out of hanging out with and being close with, but theres never a constant person i can rely on as someone i can call up and be like hi, i need to talk or hi, im bored, entertain me. and i knwo that all my current friends and aquantances would say audrey hey anytime you need to talk, you know you can call me. but the thing is, its never that easy.
i suppose i should muttle this over to think it through.
I saw the sunset today. I was stuck on the bridge at sunset and it was magnificent. i was literally stuck there from the time it was just about to set to the time it was way beyond set and allt he colors were fading.
I just couldnt help but become so weak when i was watching it. it was so beautiful. the most amazing colors that i could never repeat with paint.
i suppose its just not as beautiful when you didnt get to see it, but trust me, for someone that has seen and photgraphed a whole lot of sunsets. This was a fucking fantastic sunset, the kind that leaves you breathless and calm and stuck in a moment that you think lasts for hours but only takes seconds.