(no subject)
So.
I was thinking, and discussing, earlier the pros and cons of staying in Chapel Hill once I graduate.
Pros:
Weather
Nice place to live
COUp
Cons:
not really any career options I would be happy with
COUp
Because it has recently become clear to me (as you may have noticed) that I don't really have any close friends around here who are sticking around.
Alicia is (cross our fingers hope and pray) going to Japan. And as much as I love Sarah B and trust her to discuss and debate and talk and squee with, she is not one of those people I can call in the middle of the night with an emergency. Even if she was, she is moving to Charlotte.
There are people who will be here that I consider friends. Four, maybe six people. I am not entirely sure. Those people I would really like to consider friends, and I think according to most definitions of the word friend they count. But they are not really close friendships. They are people I would not hesitate to debate theology, or philosophy, or linguistics with; people I would defend in a fight; people I would cry with at a funeral, or invite to my wedding. But there are no people here that I know are always willing to have me around. No one here I can look at and say "they want me here" or "they need to be alone right now but it is not me" or "if they have trouble they will call on me." I can't read anyone here.
I can look and see that something is wrong, if someone is upset I can tell. But I can't get close enough to help. I don't look at people and see how they are feeling. I can't get close.
I am not sure I can get close. I am not sure those who I don't already count as friend want me as a friend. I am not sure I want them as friends. And even for those I count as friend, I do not know, I am not sure, that they count me as such and/or want to know me better.
I don't know.
It would be nice, I think, if I could make those connections here. If I could become a part of the group I see around me. But I fear I lost that chance. And I begin to think that it is not the end of the world.
All I can think is that it is coming time for me to fish or cut bait. I have to decide if this is what I want from this part of my life. Do I want to stay here, stick it out and be a part of this group, or do I want to go somewhere else and try again? Start over, again, but this time with a bit more confidence.
When I first came to COUp I was so afraid of the world. I was afraid to meet people. When I first got to COUp it was easy. COUp makes it easy, made it easy, to fall in to a pattern. Now, looking back, I can see that it was incredible easy for me to use COUp as a shield from the world. I didn't have to change. I didn't have to grow up. And I didn't have to make friends, becuase joining COUp gave me a group of people to hang out with. People that I still don't know very well, even though I have been hanging around them for 3 or more years. I could blame my trip abroad, but I know that is not why I am not a part of the group.
I am not a part because I never put in the effort to join, because I didn't realize I needed to. And now that it has been so abruptly brought to my attention I realize I never really learned how to make friends.
I never learned how to start a relationship. I look at my three closest friendships and I see that they all involved me sucking it up and putting myself out there and making plans to do stuff with another person.
I just don't know if I really want to do that here. I don't know if I want to be a part of this group.
Anime isn't really my thing. I enjoy it, but I don't really watch anything outside of COUp. Games are the same. I enjoy playing some, Dominion, Fluxx, Bang once every blue moon, apples to apples; but outside of game night I own two decks of cards that I have not opened in a year or two. Don't even get me started on the D&D. That is something I always wanted to try, but never really had the chance to. Now, now I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. So I am not really sure I have much in common with my friends.
My closest friendship(s) are based on common experience, on having spent so much of my life with a person I can't imagine not having them around. And on trust. One of my closest friends was so dear to me because I felt like I could talk to her without her being weirded out. I never worried that she was freaked out by what I told her. I always felt like she accepted me without reservation.
I don't really get that from anyone any more.
Hell. I can't even tell Alicia what is going on in my head.
In short, I don't really know what I want.
I think, for now, I would take being able to tell if my friends want me around or not. Being able to tell when I am intruding. Because I honestly don't know.
I was thinking, and discussing, earlier the pros and cons of staying in Chapel Hill once I graduate.
Pros:
Weather
Nice place to live
COUp
Cons:
not really any career options I would be happy with
COUp
Because it has recently become clear to me (as you may have noticed) that I don't really have any close friends around here who are sticking around.
Alicia is (cross our fingers hope and pray) going to Japan. And as much as I love Sarah B and trust her to discuss and debate and talk and squee with, she is not one of those people I can call in the middle of the night with an emergency. Even if she was, she is moving to Charlotte.
There are people who will be here that I consider friends. Four, maybe six people. I am not entirely sure. Those people I would really like to consider friends, and I think according to most definitions of the word friend they count. But they are not really close friendships. They are people I would not hesitate to debate theology, or philosophy, or linguistics with; people I would defend in a fight; people I would cry with at a funeral, or invite to my wedding. But there are no people here that I know are always willing to have me around. No one here I can look at and say "they want me here" or "they need to be alone right now but it is not me" or "if they have trouble they will call on me." I can't read anyone here.
I can look and see that something is wrong, if someone is upset I can tell. But I can't get close enough to help. I don't look at people and see how they are feeling. I can't get close.
I am not sure I can get close. I am not sure those who I don't already count as friend want me as a friend. I am not sure I want them as friends. And even for those I count as friend, I do not know, I am not sure, that they count me as such and/or want to know me better.
I don't know.
It would be nice, I think, if I could make those connections here. If I could become a part of the group I see around me. But I fear I lost that chance. And I begin to think that it is not the end of the world.
All I can think is that it is coming time for me to fish or cut bait. I have to decide if this is what I want from this part of my life. Do I want to stay here, stick it out and be a part of this group, or do I want to go somewhere else and try again? Start over, again, but this time with a bit more confidence.
When I first came to COUp I was so afraid of the world. I was afraid to meet people. When I first got to COUp it was easy. COUp makes it easy, made it easy, to fall in to a pattern. Now, looking back, I can see that it was incredible easy for me to use COUp as a shield from the world. I didn't have to change. I didn't have to grow up. And I didn't have to make friends, becuase joining COUp gave me a group of people to hang out with. People that I still don't know very well, even though I have been hanging around them for 3 or more years. I could blame my trip abroad, but I know that is not why I am not a part of the group.
I am not a part because I never put in the effort to join, because I didn't realize I needed to. And now that it has been so abruptly brought to my attention I realize I never really learned how to make friends.
I never learned how to start a relationship. I look at my three closest friendships and I see that they all involved me sucking it up and putting myself out there and making plans to do stuff with another person.
I just don't know if I really want to do that here. I don't know if I want to be a part of this group.
Anime isn't really my thing. I enjoy it, but I don't really watch anything outside of COUp. Games are the same. I enjoy playing some, Dominion, Fluxx, Bang once every blue moon, apples to apples; but outside of game night I own two decks of cards that I have not opened in a year or two. Don't even get me started on the D&D. That is something I always wanted to try, but never really had the chance to. Now, now I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. So I am not really sure I have much in common with my friends.
My closest friendship(s) are based on common experience, on having spent so much of my life with a person I can't imagine not having them around. And on trust. One of my closest friends was so dear to me because I felt like I could talk to her without her being weirded out. I never worried that she was freaked out by what I told her. I always felt like she accepted me without reservation.
I don't really get that from anyone any more.
Hell. I can't even tell Alicia what is going on in my head.
In short, I don't really know what I want.
I think, for now, I would take being able to tell if my friends want me around or not. Being able to tell when I am intruding. Because I honestly don't know.