Out of my dreams and into the hush of falling shadows
Today was my audition for Oklahoma /nerves!/
It didn't go too badly, actually, I did the ridiculously difficult ballet dance as well as I could and I've been told I was pretty good, my monologue went over really well with the people in my time slot (of course, I'm good friends with most of them so there might have been a bias) and I actually managed to hit that high f that I was so terrified about.
Have I ever mentioned I really love traditional ballet dancing? To watch it, I mean, and I wish that I could do that. Even though I would actually like to have joints that function when I am old, I still wish I could be a pretty ballerina. I could have been, if we hadn't moved! I was in ballet in kindergarten! One of the girls was auditioning for the featured dancers section (because Oklahoma, right in the middle, has a random-ass dream ballet) and she's a really great dancer (she's a really nice girl, too, actually, she's in Madrigals with me and once when I was freaking out over my physics grades last year she came and talked to me even though I barely knew her so yeah I'm rambling but the point is she's really smart and nice)--
Just so you can actually keep track of what I'm saying: anyway, she did this little ballet routine that was choreographed by another 12th grade ballerina, and she was on point, and it was so lovely and graceful and I felt so envious. I like feeling pretty; when I'm doing dance routines, even though I'm not trained, I feel so graceful and lovely, which is why I'm always pretending I can dance.
Anyway... I can't remember where I was going with this post. But the point is, my audition went fairly well and I'm pleased with everything.
Callbacks on Thursday! Wish me luck.
~ ~
I also wanted to mention (I forgot as I was about to click "post") was that I started using our elliptical again and I'd forgotten how much I loved it :)
Part of my reason for stopping is that when I began using it, that daily exercise ended up getting tied into not eating and all kinds of bad stuff, and when I pulled myself off of it, I had to let go of a lot of things. Like what happens with serious cases of anorexia; where it's so extreme that when they stop, they can't restrain themselves at all and often end up becoming obese. Which sometimes then circles back...
I really needed to start again, though. I have actually been putting on pudge, which bothers me, and I know it's my fault because while I don't eat much more than last year, I also do absolutely nothing at all in terms of physical stress. And I always hate it when people complain about things that they could easily do something about, and instead of doing something, they just complain. I can't stand it. So I decided that instead of whining about gaining weight, I would actually exercise and maintain my size.
I was really anxious, actually, that taking this up again (I started using my exercise ball again a few weeks prior) was going to reawaken tendencies. Especially because last Friday, at one a.m., for some reason I had a major freakout. I was trying to fall asleep but I kept getting really restless and thinking about the fact that my thighs were touching (omigod, big deal right? RITE??) and suddenly had to get up and practically tore apart my sister's room (she wasn't there) looking for a tape measure so I could freaking measure myself. I called myself disgusting, which is something that I haven't done since freshman year and that whole mess, and was crying and a whole mess but also trying to be quiet because everyone was asleep o.O
I'm proud of myself, though, because I actually managed to mostly calm myself down. I had to take out my diary that I only use in times of stress or boredom, and literally just started listing reasons I should not worry that I was at 145 (the heaviest I've ever been). For example, I just started using weights and doing sit-ups again, so some muscle mass may cause weight, I ate more than usual tonight, my period's about to start and I'm bloated. And then a whole bunch of anxious "dear God please God don't let me fall into this again," because it's awful and no one deserves to go through it. Especially me, because I'm usually too practical for that, I think.
Anyway, I'm feeling good now, and I'm not really sure where that spaz attack came from. But rest assured it is subdued!
~ ~
My lovelies, this turned out so much longer than I had originally anticipated. Näkemiin! (which, apparently, means goodbye in Finnish)
It didn't go too badly, actually, I did the ridiculously difficult ballet dance as well as I could and I've been told I was pretty good, my monologue went over really well with the people in my time slot (of course, I'm good friends with most of them so there might have been a bias) and I actually managed to hit that high f that I was so terrified about.
Have I ever mentioned I really love traditional ballet dancing? To watch it, I mean, and I wish that I could do that. Even though I would actually like to have joints that function when I am old, I still wish I could be a pretty ballerina. I could have been, if we hadn't moved! I was in ballet in kindergarten! One of the girls was auditioning for the featured dancers section (because Oklahoma, right in the middle, has a random-ass dream ballet) and she's a really great dancer (she's a really nice girl, too, actually, she's in Madrigals with me and once when I was freaking out over my physics grades last year she came and talked to me even though I barely knew her so yeah I'm rambling but the point is she's really smart and nice)--
Just so you can actually keep track of what I'm saying: anyway, she did this little ballet routine that was choreographed by another 12th grade ballerina, and she was on point, and it was so lovely and graceful and I felt so envious. I like feeling pretty; when I'm doing dance routines, even though I'm not trained, I feel so graceful and lovely, which is why I'm always pretending I can dance.
Anyway... I can't remember where I was going with this post. But the point is, my audition went fairly well and I'm pleased with everything.
Callbacks on Thursday! Wish me luck.
~ ~
I also wanted to mention (I forgot as I was about to click "post") was that I started using our elliptical again and I'd forgotten how much I loved it :)
Part of my reason for stopping is that when I began using it, that daily exercise ended up getting tied into not eating and all kinds of bad stuff, and when I pulled myself off of it, I had to let go of a lot of things. Like what happens with serious cases of anorexia; where it's so extreme that when they stop, they can't restrain themselves at all and often end up becoming obese. Which sometimes then circles back...
I really needed to start again, though. I have actually been putting on pudge, which bothers me, and I know it's my fault because while I don't eat much more than last year, I also do absolutely nothing at all in terms of physical stress. And I always hate it when people complain about things that they could easily do something about, and instead of doing something, they just complain. I can't stand it. So I decided that instead of whining about gaining weight, I would actually exercise and maintain my size.
I was really anxious, actually, that taking this up again (I started using my exercise ball again a few weeks prior) was going to reawaken tendencies. Especially because last Friday, at one a.m., for some reason I had a major freakout. I was trying to fall asleep but I kept getting really restless and thinking about the fact that my thighs were touching (omigod, big deal right? RITE??) and suddenly had to get up and practically tore apart my sister's room (she wasn't there) looking for a tape measure so I could freaking measure myself. I called myself disgusting, which is something that I haven't done since freshman year and that whole mess, and was crying and a whole mess but also trying to be quiet because everyone was asleep o.O
I'm proud of myself, though, because I actually managed to mostly calm myself down. I had to take out my diary that I only use in times of stress or boredom, and literally just started listing reasons I should not worry that I was at 145 (the heaviest I've ever been). For example, I just started using weights and doing sit-ups again, so some muscle mass may cause weight, I ate more than usual tonight, my period's about to start and I'm bloated. And then a whole bunch of anxious "dear God please God don't let me fall into this again," because it's awful and no one deserves to go through it. Especially me, because I'm usually too practical for that, I think.
Anyway, I'm feeling good now, and I'm not really sure where that spaz attack came from. But rest assured it is subdued!
~ ~
My lovelies, this turned out so much longer than I had originally anticipated. Näkemiin! (which, apparently, means goodbye in Finnish)