Title: Mary-Sue: Attack Mode
Yet another chapter of Patricide Association. This is not a sequel to the last chapter, and it is unrelated.
Note: I don’t own Death Note, Yu Yu Hakusho, InuYasha, Rurouni Kenshin, or Chrno Crusade. Or American Idol.
Tidus was feeling the anticipation of escape in his very bones. For weeks he had been wandering the enormous building that housed him and the other three members of the Patricide Association. When the three “hostesses” had failed to show up, he had begun to poke around like a curious monkey with his boxers showing. ‘Cause everyone knows that showing your boxers the way Tidus does is so borrowed from the monkeys.
Anyway, he had ended up opening a closet in the barracks room with the bunkbeds that served for sleeping. Curiously enough, there was a door in it. That was probably how Oredne’s little minions got in. He stepped in, and started wandering in the long hallways, every so often opening a door and peering inside cautiously, looking for some sort of escape.
He stopped at another door, the sound of his footsteps still echoing in the white, clinical hallway. He opened a door and almost screamed. A relatively tall Indian girl with curly black hair was torturing some poor boy/man. Actually, he wasn’t entirely sure as to the gender, as the boy (?) was a little effeminate. However, it was dressed in a masculine fashion. His eyes, almost hidden by wild dark hair, were sunken into his face and almost looked as if they were lined with dark shadows. His feet were bare.
Normally Tidus would not have noticed this. However, the boy was tied up on a swivel chair with his feet drawn up on the chair, his knees hugged to his chest. The girl was wiggling his toes as he fidgeted miserably.
“Awwww!! Panda man!!” she squealed, stopping to jump up and hug him. Tidus saw the strained look on the “panda man’s” face. “I love you, L!”
In the other side of the room, an impossibly tiny girl with dark hair flying everywhere was tormenting some chained boy with neat brown hair, waving a tattered black notebook in his face and dashing away when he tried to grab it.
“I have to rid the world of evil!” he screamed at her as she began to waltz with the notebook. “Give it BACK!”
“No supreme ruling of the world for you, mister!” said the girl cheerfully.
Tidus decided to run away while he still could. This wasn’t nearly as bad as some of the other rooms. In one room, a short man with gravity-defyiing black hair and red eyes that clearly hated the world fought to remove himself from a pink bunny costume, screaming his wrath against someone named “Yusuke,” who had escaped by offering him in his stead. In another, a Hispanic girl cuddled up with a man with long red hair in a ponytail, reading a book with him. Robots forced two men with nearly identical white hair to tango with each other, and a short boy with long purple hair in a braid was forced to watch American Idol reruns. Tidus still shuddered about that last one.
Lost in his thoughts, he slammed straight into a door. The glass window set in the upper half was frosted and unclear, but he thought he could make out grass and trees. Trying not to seem to excited, he opened the door.
“FREEDOM!!” Tidus screamed, euphoric as he ran out. Wonderful, beautiful freedom! No more being forced to dress up in scary costumes, no more having his hair tugged and examined and argued over, no more having his intelligence insulted, no more-
“Oh my kami-sama! It’s him!” screamed a female voice, clear and lovely as diamonds.
A bunch of drop-dead gorgeus girls came running at him. Though this was something Tidus, blitzball star, was once used to, teenage girls running at him now evoked a strong sense of foreboding and he turned to flee.
He ran right over a sudden trench and over Crystal, who was sitting with her back against the pile of sandbags, wearing bulky camouflage and enormous pilot goggles pushed up over her forehead. A brown belt crossed her torso, drooping with the weight of thick pouches filled with who knew what. She held an enormous metal crossbow in one hand, and was shoving a vial filled with some green liquid on the end of a giant arrow. She coolly notched the arrow and sighted along the shaft, squinting.
“Got them in your sights, Crystal?” asked Talasin, suddenly appearing behind Tidus. She wore the same outfit as her blonde friend, but three vaguely gun-shaped sheaths lined the belt. In her right hand, she held a giant bazooka leaning against her shoulder. She pulled several similar vials from one of the pouches in her belt and loaded them into the gun.
“Ready?” asked Crystal.
“Okey dokey, pokey,” said Talasin, grinning. They both fired; Crystal immediately dodged down. Talasin was spared the effort because of the convenient backlash from the gunshot, though she had to set her legs down.
“What’s going on?” cried Tidus, horribly confused.
Crystal spared him a glance as she selected a vial filled with blue liquid instead of the green. “Mary-sues and fangirls,” she said brusquely, turning around and firing in one smooth motion.
Talasin was laughing as she fired round after round.
“TRAITORS!” shouted one of the foremost beauties, with beautifully long black hair and bright blue eyes that held astonishing sorrow and depth.
“BAH HUMBUG!” screamed Talasin, crowing as she fired a series of bullets straight at the beautiful maiden, who screamed and fell backwards with the force of the shot.
“You KILLED her!” Tidus demanded, astonished.
“Oh, don’t judge,” Talasin said contemptuously. “You’ve killed. Besides, watch…”
Tidus stared at where the girl had fallen. He gritted his teeth in astonishment when a figure slowly staggered to its feet in the smoke. As it cleared away, he nearly fell back in astonishment. What had once been an astonishingly perfect face was now a rather average, befreckled and sullen face, framed with shoulder-length hair of that color between brown and blonde that isn’t quite sure what it wants to be.
“TRAITORS!” she screamed again. “YOU WERE FANGIRLS TOO, ONCE!”
“TASTE COLD METAL, HARPY!!” jeered Crystal, loosing another enormous bolt into a girl who was dressed in a quasi-gothic style. The girl rose with light brown hair, wearing a white miniskirt and a form-fitting pink t-shirt.
“BALDERDASH!!” crowed Talasin, firing repeatedly.
“Um… you two…” began Tidus hesitantly.
“What?” snapped Crystal, losing bolt after bolt mercilessly at the charging females.
“How can you use those weapons?”
Crystal looked at him, and actually looked embarrassed. “Oredne… she’s the muse so she let use have some Mary-Sue qualities, like being able to use giant weapons we don’t know much about… It’s really just our bodies functioning without our control when we fight… heh heh.”
“YOU WON’T TAKE HIM!” screamed Talasin, going crazy.
“WHY WOULD WE WANT HIM? HE IS SO TOTALLY NOT KAWAII!!” screamed a girl back, trying to hold onto her schoolgirl uniform as it melted into sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt.
Silence fell on the field. Crystal and Talasin stared at the girl. Crystal was the first to react.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” she screamed, leaping from behind the wall to tackle the girl.
“HOW DARE YOU?!” screamed Talasin, following soon after.
“Me?” asked Tidus, bemused.
“TIDUS IS PRETTY DAMN HOT!” screamed Talasin.
“DESPITE HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HIS OWN TRAGIC ENDING TO BE, HE REMAINS CHEERFUL AND OPTIMISTIC!!” yelled Crystal.
“HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER CHARACTERS ARE DEEP AND MEANINGFUL!!”
“HE’S GOT GREAT HAIR!” screamed Crystal.
“Oh... my…” said Tidus, both flattered and slightly disturbed.
Suddenly, an enormous force sucked all three of them back into the building, slamming them through the door and down the long hallway. A scream was ripped from Tidus’s throat as the three hurtled down the hall, slamming doors shut in their wake. He managed to turn his head against the enormous air pressure to glance at the two girls. They had their arms waving in the air and were screaming with delight. He also noted that they seemed to have picked up their weapons as they passed by, and that their baggy pants were flapping like flags.
The force abruptly let off, dumping Crystal and Tidus onto the floor. Talasin shot downward with her giant gun and flipped over to land on her feet. However, she then slipped and hit her head on the ground.
“I see you have finally seen the enemy,” came Oredne’s voice from the shadows. This is a very impressive talent. Not everyone can talk from the shadows; it is harder to blend into them than believed by many. Also, there were no shadows in the room.
“Those girls?” Tidus asked, rubbing his head as he sat up. His searching fingers found a large bump, and he winced.
“Fangirls,” said Crystal in a disgusted tone. “Worse than cockroaches.”
“They said that you two once were fangirls,” Tidus said suspiciously.
Both of the girls looked embarrassed and fidgeted.
“Well…”
“I mean, it was just a phase…”
“And you know, you can’t trust anything they say…”
“I rejected them once I found out!”
“I mean, it’s like a prerequisite for anime fans…”
“Can’t help it if they’re a bunch of bakas-OH MY GOD, TALASIN!!”
“CRYSTAL!!” screamed Talasin, shocked. She covered her mouth in astonishment, and with the other blocked Crystal’s. “You slipped into fangirl Japanese!!”
“Oredne, help me!” Crystal screamed past Talasin’s hand. Really, it sounded more like, “Momemme, meeh mph!”
“Interesting,” said Oredne, looking thoughtfully at Crystal. “The near presence of your former brethren is causing you to revert to previous habits.”
“Just make it stop!!” Crystal begged, her eyes crazed.
“We’ll have to get rid of them to do that.”
“Talasin and I can beat them up! We like beating people up!”
“My author/muse’s license doesn’t apply to them; they’ve been combined with their original characters, and I can’t control them. Besides, you two don’t have the physical capacities to defeat them. They’re mary-sues, they’re super powerful. We only have the gun and the crossbow.”
“Well, at least Tidus doesn’t have to worry,” commented Talasin acerbically, having one of her rare moments of vague intelligence.
“Why not?” asked Tidus curiously.
“All of the FFX fandom except us hates you.”
“What?! Hey! I bet… I bet you a lot of people are fans!”
“Yeah, but they’re all too intelligent to be spending their time writing OOC fanfiction.”
Tidus sulked at this until a thought came to him. “Wait a minute… All three of you are not…” (this was a personal issue with him) “…fictional in your world… and you’re all self-insertations, except for Oredne, who is Talasin’s muse anyway, right?”
They all looked at him viciously but with a hint of confusion.
“Doesn’t that make you all Mary-Sues?” he prompted.
Talasin shrugged. “Let’s see.” She opened a door and stuck her head in it. “Where’s- Oh, there you are. Come in here, Itachi?”
The ninja stepped in suspiciously.
“Hey, so Itachi…” Talasin grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked his face toward hers. “You wanna have unprotected spontaneous perfect and completely repercussionless sex?”
Itachi stared down at her, his sharingan beginning to swirl.
"No? I thoughtsoanywaygoodbyehaveanicetime!" shouted Talasin as she shoved him back into the room and closed the door. One hand almost reached her throat before the door was shut.
Talasin looked at them.
“Nope, we’re not.”
“So what do we have to do to get rid of them?” Crystal asked Oredne desperately.
“We’ll have to fight.”
Talasin ruined the drama by saying, “Kami-sama,” and smacking herself so hard in the mouth she fell down.
Note: I don’t own Death Note, Yu Yu Hakusho, InuYasha, Rurouni Kenshin, or Chrno Crusade. Or American Idol.
Tidus was feeling the anticipation of escape in his very bones. For weeks he had been wandering the enormous building that housed him and the other three members of the Patricide Association. When the three “hostesses” had failed to show up, he had begun to poke around like a curious monkey with his boxers showing. ‘Cause everyone knows that showing your boxers the way Tidus does is so borrowed from the monkeys.
Anyway, he had ended up opening a closet in the barracks room with the bunkbeds that served for sleeping. Curiously enough, there was a door in it. That was probably how Oredne’s little minions got in. He stepped in, and started wandering in the long hallways, every so often opening a door and peering inside cautiously, looking for some sort of escape.
He stopped at another door, the sound of his footsteps still echoing in the white, clinical hallway. He opened a door and almost screamed. A relatively tall Indian girl with curly black hair was torturing some poor boy/man. Actually, he wasn’t entirely sure as to the gender, as the boy (?) was a little effeminate. However, it was dressed in a masculine fashion. His eyes, almost hidden by wild dark hair, were sunken into his face and almost looked as if they were lined with dark shadows. His feet were bare.
Normally Tidus would not have noticed this. However, the boy was tied up on a swivel chair with his feet drawn up on the chair, his knees hugged to his chest. The girl was wiggling his toes as he fidgeted miserably.
“Awwww!! Panda man!!” she squealed, stopping to jump up and hug him. Tidus saw the strained look on the “panda man’s” face. “I love you, L!”
In the other side of the room, an impossibly tiny girl with dark hair flying everywhere was tormenting some chained boy with neat brown hair, waving a tattered black notebook in his face and dashing away when he tried to grab it.
“I have to rid the world of evil!” he screamed at her as she began to waltz with the notebook. “Give it BACK!”
“No supreme ruling of the world for you, mister!” said the girl cheerfully.
Tidus decided to run away while he still could. This wasn’t nearly as bad as some of the other rooms. In one room, a short man with gravity-defyiing black hair and red eyes that clearly hated the world fought to remove himself from a pink bunny costume, screaming his wrath against someone named “Yusuke,” who had escaped by offering him in his stead. In another, a Hispanic girl cuddled up with a man with long red hair in a ponytail, reading a book with him. Robots forced two men with nearly identical white hair to tango with each other, and a short boy with long purple hair in a braid was forced to watch American Idol reruns. Tidus still shuddered about that last one.
Lost in his thoughts, he slammed straight into a door. The glass window set in the upper half was frosted and unclear, but he thought he could make out grass and trees. Trying not to seem to excited, he opened the door.
“FREEDOM!!” Tidus screamed, euphoric as he ran out. Wonderful, beautiful freedom! No more being forced to dress up in scary costumes, no more having his hair tugged and examined and argued over, no more having his intelligence insulted, no more-
“Oh my kami-sama! It’s him!” screamed a female voice, clear and lovely as diamonds.
A bunch of drop-dead gorgeus girls came running at him. Though this was something Tidus, blitzball star, was once used to, teenage girls running at him now evoked a strong sense of foreboding and he turned to flee.
He ran right over a sudden trench and over Crystal, who was sitting with her back against the pile of sandbags, wearing bulky camouflage and enormous pilot goggles pushed up over her forehead. A brown belt crossed her torso, drooping with the weight of thick pouches filled with who knew what. She held an enormous metal crossbow in one hand, and was shoving a vial filled with some green liquid on the end of a giant arrow. She coolly notched the arrow and sighted along the shaft, squinting.
“Got them in your sights, Crystal?” asked Talasin, suddenly appearing behind Tidus. She wore the same outfit as her blonde friend, but three vaguely gun-shaped sheaths lined the belt. In her right hand, she held a giant bazooka leaning against her shoulder. She pulled several similar vials from one of the pouches in her belt and loaded them into the gun.
“Ready?” asked Crystal.
“Okey dokey, pokey,” said Talasin, grinning. They both fired; Crystal immediately dodged down. Talasin was spared the effort because of the convenient backlash from the gunshot, though she had to set her legs down.
“What’s going on?” cried Tidus, horribly confused.
Crystal spared him a glance as she selected a vial filled with blue liquid instead of the green. “Mary-sues and fangirls,” she said brusquely, turning around and firing in one smooth motion.
Talasin was laughing as she fired round after round.
“TRAITORS!” shouted one of the foremost beauties, with beautifully long black hair and bright blue eyes that held astonishing sorrow and depth.
“BAH HUMBUG!” screamed Talasin, crowing as she fired a series of bullets straight at the beautiful maiden, who screamed and fell backwards with the force of the shot.
“You KILLED her!” Tidus demanded, astonished.
“Oh, don’t judge,” Talasin said contemptuously. “You’ve killed. Besides, watch…”
Tidus stared at where the girl had fallen. He gritted his teeth in astonishment when a figure slowly staggered to its feet in the smoke. As it cleared away, he nearly fell back in astonishment. What had once been an astonishingly perfect face was now a rather average, befreckled and sullen face, framed with shoulder-length hair of that color between brown and blonde that isn’t quite sure what it wants to be.
“TRAITORS!” she screamed again. “YOU WERE FANGIRLS TOO, ONCE!”
“TASTE COLD METAL, HARPY!!” jeered Crystal, loosing another enormous bolt into a girl who was dressed in a quasi-gothic style. The girl rose with light brown hair, wearing a white miniskirt and a form-fitting pink t-shirt.
“BALDERDASH!!” crowed Talasin, firing repeatedly.
“Um… you two…” began Tidus hesitantly.
“What?” snapped Crystal, losing bolt after bolt mercilessly at the charging females.
“How can you use those weapons?”
Crystal looked at him, and actually looked embarrassed. “Oredne… she’s the muse so she let use have some Mary-Sue qualities, like being able to use giant weapons we don’t know much about… It’s really just our bodies functioning without our control when we fight… heh heh.”
“YOU WON’T TAKE HIM!” screamed Talasin, going crazy.
“WHY WOULD WE WANT HIM? HE IS SO TOTALLY NOT KAWAII!!” screamed a girl back, trying to hold onto her schoolgirl uniform as it melted into sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt.
Silence fell on the field. Crystal and Talasin stared at the girl. Crystal was the first to react.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” she screamed, leaping from behind the wall to tackle the girl.
“HOW DARE YOU?!” screamed Talasin, following soon after.
“Me?” asked Tidus, bemused.
“TIDUS IS PRETTY DAMN HOT!” screamed Talasin.
“DESPITE HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HIS OWN TRAGIC ENDING TO BE, HE REMAINS CHEERFUL AND OPTIMISTIC!!” yelled Crystal.
“HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER CHARACTERS ARE DEEP AND MEANINGFUL!!”
“HE’S GOT GREAT HAIR!” screamed Crystal.
“Oh... my…” said Tidus, both flattered and slightly disturbed.
Suddenly, an enormous force sucked all three of them back into the building, slamming them through the door and down the long hallway. A scream was ripped from Tidus’s throat as the three hurtled down the hall, slamming doors shut in their wake. He managed to turn his head against the enormous air pressure to glance at the two girls. They had their arms waving in the air and were screaming with delight. He also noted that they seemed to have picked up their weapons as they passed by, and that their baggy pants were flapping like flags.
The force abruptly let off, dumping Crystal and Tidus onto the floor. Talasin shot downward with her giant gun and flipped over to land on her feet. However, she then slipped and hit her head on the ground.
“I see you have finally seen the enemy,” came Oredne’s voice from the shadows. This is a very impressive talent. Not everyone can talk from the shadows; it is harder to blend into them than believed by many. Also, there were no shadows in the room.
“Those girls?” Tidus asked, rubbing his head as he sat up. His searching fingers found a large bump, and he winced.
“Fangirls,” said Crystal in a disgusted tone. “Worse than cockroaches.”
“They said that you two once were fangirls,” Tidus said suspiciously.
Both of the girls looked embarrassed and fidgeted.
“Well…”
“I mean, it was just a phase…”
“And you know, you can’t trust anything they say…”
“I rejected them once I found out!”
“I mean, it’s like a prerequisite for anime fans…”
“Can’t help it if they’re a bunch of bakas-OH MY GOD, TALASIN!!”
“CRYSTAL!!” screamed Talasin, shocked. She covered her mouth in astonishment, and with the other blocked Crystal’s. “You slipped into fangirl Japanese!!”
“Oredne, help me!” Crystal screamed past Talasin’s hand. Really, it sounded more like, “Momemme, meeh mph!”
“Interesting,” said Oredne, looking thoughtfully at Crystal. “The near presence of your former brethren is causing you to revert to previous habits.”
“Just make it stop!!” Crystal begged, her eyes crazed.
“We’ll have to get rid of them to do that.”
“Talasin and I can beat them up! We like beating people up!”
“My author/muse’s license doesn’t apply to them; they’ve been combined with their original characters, and I can’t control them. Besides, you two don’t have the physical capacities to defeat them. They’re mary-sues, they’re super powerful. We only have the gun and the crossbow.”
“Well, at least Tidus doesn’t have to worry,” commented Talasin acerbically, having one of her rare moments of vague intelligence.
“Why not?” asked Tidus curiously.
“All of the FFX fandom except us hates you.”
“What?! Hey! I bet… I bet you a lot of people are fans!”
“Yeah, but they’re all too intelligent to be spending their time writing OOC fanfiction.”
Tidus sulked at this until a thought came to him. “Wait a minute… All three of you are not…” (this was a personal issue with him) “…fictional in your world… and you’re all self-insertations, except for Oredne, who is Talasin’s muse anyway, right?”
They all looked at him viciously but with a hint of confusion.
“Doesn’t that make you all Mary-Sues?” he prompted.
Talasin shrugged. “Let’s see.” She opened a door and stuck her head in it. “Where’s- Oh, there you are. Come in here, Itachi?”
The ninja stepped in suspiciously.
“Hey, so Itachi…” Talasin grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked his face toward hers. “You wanna have unprotected spontaneous perfect and completely repercussionless sex?”
Itachi stared down at her, his sharingan beginning to swirl.
"No? I thoughtsoanywaygoodbyehaveanicetime!" shouted Talasin as she shoved him back into the room and closed the door. One hand almost reached her throat before the door was shut.
Talasin looked at them.
“Nope, we’re not.”
“So what do we have to do to get rid of them?” Crystal asked Oredne desperately.
“We’ll have to fight.”
Talasin ruined the drama by saying, “Kami-sama,” and smacking herself so hard in the mouth she fell down.