quelle idiote je suis, je ne suis que futile, un coup de vent et tout disparaît
These days, I don't feel like writing. I've forced myself to write a chapter for my longest story on AFF, and because I've forced myself, I'm not conveiced it's worth enough to post it. But I still did it.
My friends and I are really close, so they know about my fanfictions and where can they find it. I've always been divided, the fact that they know bothers me. They can judge, they can lie about what they think about it, and just the thought of it is unbearable and is hurting me.
Then, one of them told us she began to re-write (because she had stopped). She's great writer, much better than me. Her ideas are amazing, unique and the way she writes is mesmerizing. She writes in french while I write in english, but I know that she will sooner or later writes in english. I've always been better in english that her, it's a fact she can't accept but I don't mind and care. I'm just scared. I've worked really hard to developp my vocabulary and to find unusual ideas (every fanfiction isn't mean to end up like a fairytale, isn't it? that's what I think), and it's still difficult. Well, not for her. Her ideas are really gorgeous and I can't help but compare myself to her.
I read her fanfictions, it's amazing, I can't deny it. What are mines back then? They suck. All of them. Maybe, my OS are better than the rest, but they still suck. The plot is boring, the character are always the same (no that I don't mind). They're naught. I suck as a writer.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to her, right? But I can't help and I'm feeling bad. I don't want to write, or at least not these days.
I'm sorry, you will have to wait for the next chapter. Until I'm okay with myself, until I feel okay. My ideas are in my head, but I won't put them down. Maybe, I will do OS from time to time. Maybe, it will pass soon. I don't know. I'm tired..
/sighs
(i'm sorry i post it there. it's the only blog they don't have, they have tumblrs and they can look at my french blog and my AFF account. i screw up my privacy but..yeah. i'm tired)