shades of grey are striped with blue

[intorolude]

shades of grey are striped with blue
siwan/kwanghee, tiny kwanghee/hyungshik + kevin/hyungshik
2908 words
The air tastes like salt, and Siwan's heart hops out of his chest.



shades of grey are striped with blue
tell me what's on your mind,
that your heart is the same as mine
- love coach (children of empire)

"Siwan," Kwanghee is whining. Siwan cracks an eye open, his earphones still plugged into his ears. Whatever Kwanghee is going to say is probably not very important anyway - Kwanghee whines about anything and everything.

Kwanghee grimaces at Siwan when he doesn't respond. "It hurts," he says weakly, and this time Siwan sits up, eyes snapping wide open as he tugs his earphones out.

"You're injured?" Siwan asks, trying to sound less worried than he feels - he's not about to let Kwanghee climb all over him, which is always what happens whenever Siwan shows the slightest bit of affection towards Kwanghee. "Where?"

Kwanghee splays his fingers over his chest, still wearing a pained expression. "Here," he says miserably.

"Your chest?" Siwan tries, but Kwanghee shakes his head. "Your heart?"

"I am lovesick, Siwannie," Kwanghee announces, and Siwan sighs, rolling his eyes. "My heart, it hurts."

Siwan reaches for his iPod again - it's too late at night for Kwanghee's theatrics - but Kwanghee slides it away from him. "You have to help me!"

"What do you want me to do?" Siwan says, exasperated. "I don't even know who you're ridiculously in love with, jeez."

A smile pops onto Kwanghee's face, and Siwan narrows his eyes. "Do you want to know?" Kwanghee says.

"No," Siwan snaps, but Kwanghee is crawling over to press his mouth against the shell of Siwan's ear.

"It's Hyungshik," Kwanghee whispers, and Siwan freezes.

There's a beat of silence, and then Siwan pulls away to stare at Kwanghee, wide-eyed. He reaches out to grip Kwanghee's shoulders. "What the hell," Siwan says. "You like Hyungshik?"

"What's there not to like," Kwanghee says defensively.

Siwan huffs incredulously. "But he's our group member, you idiot," he says. "You're not supposed to go around liking your group members, it's going to screw up everything! Seriously, would you just think for once?"

Kwanghee shrugs. "And how is that a problem?"

Siwan just grabs a pillow and smashes it into Kwanghee's face, who yelps about how many times has he told Siwan to be careful about his nose, hmm?

Siwan is showering when the door is flung wide open - he hadn't locked it since they have this unspoken rule that you should never lock the door even when you're bathing, because other members might need to pee urgently (nine members can have that effect). He nearly shrieks, but then he hears Kwanghee's familiar voice saying, "Siwannie?"

Siwan sags against the wall, thankful for the shower curtain - it's not like they haven't seen each other naked before, but still. "What? I'm bathing, in case you haven't noticed."

"I need you to help me do something," Kwanghee says. There's a click as the door is shut, and noises that sound suspiciously like Kwanghee putting down the toilet lid.

"Are you sitting on the toilet lid?"

"Yeah, why?"

Siwan runs a hand through his wet hair, shutting off the steady stream of water. "Can't this wait until I'm done?"

"But it's important," Kwanghee says.
Siwan surrenders. "Okay, then just say it already."

"Are you listening carefully?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Hwang Kwanghee, just spit it out, all right?"

Kwanghee spits it out. Siwan nearly faints.

"You want me to help you seduce Hyungshik," Siwan says flatly. He'd thought maybe all the water from his bath had gotten into his ears, but now that he's dressed and dry and sitting on his bed staring at Kwanghee, things haven't changed.

"No, I want you to teach me how to seduce Hyungshik," Kwanghee corrects. He smiles benignly, pressing close to Siwan and widening his eyes.

"Even still," Siwan says. "No way."

Kwanghee pouts, his hands flying to his heart. "I'm going to die of a heartbreak," he says. "Is that what you want, Siwannie? For your best friend to die right in front of your eyes, knowing you could have saved him if only you -"

"Oh shut up," Siwan snaps, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "What do you want me to do?"

The way Kwanghee beams, it's like Siwan has just given him the world. Siwan chalks the mild fluttering of his heart up to annoyance.

It feels sort of strange to see Kwanghee clinging onto Hyungshik all the time, and sometimes Siwan finds himself pressing his fingers against his arm, trying his best to remember the heat of Siwan's touch.

Siwan tells himself he's just annoyed with Kwanghee for throwing him away like this all because of a stupid crush - after all, they'd always promised that their friendship was more important than love -, with Hyungshik for waltzing in so easily and stealing Siwan's best friend away without a care in the world, judging from the way he's grinning back at Kwanghee like an idiot.
Yes, Siwan is annoyed, that's all. Today he glares down at the floor, pointedly ignoring the stream of Kwanghee's laughter intermixed with Hyungshik's.

Heechul nudges him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Siwan says through gritted teeth. He's perfectly fine, the day is bright and beautiful, what could possibly be wrong?

Heechul gives him a knowing look, the corners of his lips curling up. "He's just being temporarily insane," he says, which is a lie since really, Kwanghee is permanently insane. "He'll come back to you in no time, believe me."

"He's not mine," Siwan bites back. "I don't care who he hangs out with."

"Hyung," Heechul says. "You can be such an idiot sometimes."

Siwan gapes. "Excuse me?"
Then Junyoung is saying time to get back to practice, and Heechul heads back to his position with that stupid smirk before Siwan can come up with a proper retort.

"Do you think he likes me?"

Siwan resists the urge to punch the wall. "How am I supposed to know?"

Kwanghee is curled up into a ball, his arms locked around his knees. His hair is all over the place, and Siwan feels like tugging a particularly stubborn curl into place. "What do I do if he doesn't like me?" Kwanghee asks in a tiny voice, and Siwan feels his heart nudge a little in his chest.

"He will," Siwan says before he can stop himself. He shifts closer to Kwanghee, touching his shoulders. "Really."

Kwanghee glances at him, and the hope flickering in his eyes makes Siwan's world tilt a little. I am so fucked, Siwan thinks, but Kwanghee smiles a little and just like that, everything seems so, so right - even the tiny possibility that he might be falling in love with his best friend, yes -, and Siwan wants to tell Kwanghee don't worry it'll be okay, because how could Hyungshik possibly stop himself from falling in love with someone like you?

So today Kwanghee is bugging Siwan to ask how he's supposed to confess to Hyungshik, and Siwan is ridiculously irritated. Sure, he's always been annoyed with Kwanghee from time to time, especially nowadays with his stupid infatuation with Hyungshik, but this feeling of his heart growing thorns is something new to him.

"Maybe I should just grab him and kiss him," Kwanghee says, and Siwan just stares. "Do you want to teach me?"

If Siwan was staring just now, right now his eyes are about to fall out of his head. "Uh, did I hear you right?" Siwan asks weakly.

Kwanghee grins. "Just joking," he says, and Siwan shuts his eyes for a while, unsure if he's supposed to feel thankful or cheated. "Unless you want to, of course."

Siwan glares at him. "Are you implying that I would actually want to kiss you?"

Kwanghee leans in closer, and Siwan feels like his muscles are locked into place, his back pressed against the wall. Sure, Kwanghee's always been kind of forward with him, but this is different. Fuck, the way his heart is reacting is definitely different. "Why not," Kwanghee says simply, and Siwan's thoughts echo why not why not yeah why not?
Kwanghee's fingers find their way to Siwan's cheek, feather-light. And then they are so close, so close that if Siwan just leaned forward a little, if Kwanghee moved closer an inch, then, then -

Kwanghee pulls away first, the cloudiness in his eyes a reflection of Siwan's troubled gaze. "I," he begins, but doesn't finish his sentence. Siwan is still frozen against the wall when Kwanghee swings his legs off the bed and leaves the room. The air tastes like salt (or is that just the smell of Taehun cooking ramyun?), and Siwan's heart hops out of his chest.

They're a little awkward after that, especially since Kwanghee now spends all his time with Hyungshik, and Siwan is left trailing after the other members, feeling like he's just been dumped.

"Cheer up, hyung," Minwoo says, offering a warm smile. "I don't know what's going on, but Kwanghee-hyung will be fine."

"You never know, Kwanghee-hyung's always been a little too obsessed with Hyungshik," Heechul remarks, and Kevin gives him a look, shaking his head.

Siwan jabs his chopsticks into his bowl of noodles. "I don't care," he declares, but across the room, Kwanghee is pulling out his camera and snapping photographs of Hyungshik, and Siwan's frown draws its way across his face.

"What happened with you guys, anyway?" Junyoung wants to know. "You can come to me if you want to talk, you know. But I suppose you guys want to sort things out yourselves, since you're best friends and all that."

"Some sort of best friend," Siwan mutters, pushing his half-eaten bowl away. "I'm full."

Just then, Kwanghee glances at Siwan, and Siwan pointedly jerks his head away. If this was before - before that almost-kiss, before Kwanghee's obsession with Hyungshik -, Kwanghee would probably have been sitting next to Siwan, nagging at him to finish his food, but things are different now.

Things are different. Kwanghee turns back to say something to Hyungshik, and Siwan gets up and leaves, throwing his food into the bin. Fuck you, Hwang Kwanghee, Siwan thinks, and wonders if there could possibly be a way for him to steal his heart back from Kwanghee.

It gets to a week before Junyoung steps in. He drags both Siwan and Kwanghee into an empty practice room, saying just sort if out before the rest of us go crazy too, and shutting the door behind him. He locks it, of course - Junyoung is anything but a careless leader.

"I don't know what they want us to talk about," Siwan says. "So, yeah."

Kwanghee makes a non-committal noise, going over to the mirrored walls to tug at his hair. Siwan sighs, following after him. "So what are we supposed to do now?"

"Talk," Kwanghee suggests, and Siwan rolls his eyes. "What else?"

"Talk about what?"

Kwanghee looks at him. "I don't know," he says. "Don't you have anything you want to say to me?"

As a matter of fact, yes, Siwan has a lot of things he wants to tell Kwanghee. But some things are not meant to be said, and Kwanghee is too amazing a friend to lose.

Siwan could tell Kwanghee that sometimes his heart has a strange tumbling sensation whenever Kwanghee's around, that he wants Kwanghee to stop smiling and laughing and hanging onto Hyungshik (where are you looking at? Look at me, my love), that he is sick and tired of trying to keep Kwanghee out of his life.

"No," Siwan says instead (Siwan never learned how to be brave, not the way Kwanghee is), and the hope slithers out of Kwanghee's eyes, crashing onto the floor. Siwan watches it shatter.

"Well," Kwanghee says. "So this is it, then?"
No, Siwan thinks, but the words don't make it out of his mouth. Kwanghee's mouth is pulled into a tight line, and Siwan wants to move forward and tug the corners back up into that familiar smile, but he finds that somehow, Im Siwan is always completely useless whenever he's around Hwang Kwanghee.

So Siwan lets Kwanghee go again, for the second time in a week. It hurts even more than the first time, especially when Siwan realizes that Kwanghee looks just as terrified and uncertain as he feels.

"You know," Junyoung says. "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I think you should really have a good talk with Kwanghee-hyung."

Siwan gives him a sideways look. "In case you forgot, we did." The term good is used a bit loosely, but well, they still did - or at least attempted to - have a talk.

Junyoung coughs a little, shifting uncomfortably. "I mean, I think you should be truthful. To um, your heart."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Look," Junyoung says. "Just. Trust me, the thing about him and Hyungshik... It's not all it seems."

Siwan raises an eyebrow. "Is that supposed to tell me something?"

Junyoung sighs, getting up. "I think," he says. "It's time for you to think about things carefully."

"Like?"

"Like how you feel about Kwanghee-hyung," Junyoung says, matter-of-fact. "We've all known each other a long time, right? Everyone understands."
Siwan threads his fingers together. If everyone understands, why is he the only one who can't figure this out at all? Things are not supposed to be the way they are now. Siwan is best friends with Kwanghee, Siwan has always been best friends with Kwanghee, Siwan will always be best friends with Kwanghee - and Siwan isn't sure he wants that to change.

But this hole in his heart is something he can't ignore though, especially since it grows bigger each day, every time he sees Kwanghee smiling at Hyungshik with a spark in his eyes. It hurts, but then again, Siwan thinks it might hurt more to have Kwanghee reject him in his face.

"I can't," Siwan says finally. He glances up at Junyoung. "He - he likes Hyungshik, doesn't he? So what am I supposed to tell him?"

Junyoung quirks a corner of his lips upwards. "What you feel, of course," he says, like it's the easiest thing to do in the world.

Siwan crumples a little into himself, closing his eyes, and Junyoung hums a song.

This could be easy, Siwan thinks. This could be so easy if Kwanghee was a girl. But Kwanghee is still a guy (no matter how much he likes to do girl group dances), and to be honest, Siwan doesn't think he would fall in love with Kwanghee if he was all soft curves and high-pitched laughter, if he didn't crack dirty jokes in the middle of the night whenever Siwan tries to sleep, if he wasn't unafraid of being ridiculous.
"Kwanghee," Siwan says, his stomach twisting a little. "I - I need to talk to you."

"I have to tell you something too," Kwanghee says, his tone so serious Siwan is a little taken aback. "But you go ahead."
Siwan wonders how he's going to say this, how he's supposed to pour all his feelings into words, how he can stop the slight trembling of his hands and heart. "Kwanghee," Siwan repeats, for good measure. "I - you're my best friend, you know, right?"

Kwanghee nods, and Siwan sucks in a breath. He sighs, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "And, um," he continues. "I know you like Hyungshik and all, but."

"But what?" Kwanghee prompts, and Siwan's throat is as dry as sandpaper.

"I might like you," Siwan says, the words slipping from his mouth to fill the space between them. This is it, this is it, this is it, Im Siwan, you can't turn back, not now. "But, you, yeah..." Siwan blinks when Kwanghee's mouth splits into a grin, his eyes twinkling. "What?"

"Siwannie," Kwanghee says, and it's the first time Siwan's heard his name being spoken like that, all soft lilts and full of love. "Im Woongjae. I don't actually like Hyungshik, you know."

Siwan stares. "What?"

Kwanghee shrugs, still smiling. "It was the other members' idea," he explains. "They said maybe if I told you that I liked Hyungshik, you would -"

"I would what," Siwan snaps, a blush creeping into his cheeks.

"You know," Kwanghee says, then leans over, closer to Siwan. "Do you really want me to say it out loud?"

Siwan flinches away. "I hate you guys so much," he says, trying his best to sound unhappy - which is actually, you know, a pretty hard task when Kwanghee is looping an arm around him and smiling down at him all prettily and his heart does this weird thump and everything is absolutely perfect.

Heechul is waving his arms like a windmill. "No, no," he says. "You're not allowed to tell the rest. Do not tell Kevin-hyung."
Siwan raises an eyebrow. "Why not?"

A smile bursts onto Minwoo's face. "Because there's a part two to our plan," he says, radiating absolute sweetness.

"What is up with you maknaes," Siwan says, but he's curious all the same. "What has anything got to do with Kevin-hyung?"
Dongjun half-laughs. "There's a reason as to why we picked Hyungshik out of all people, you know," he says mysteriously.

Siwan glances up at Kwanghee, who gives him a confused look in return. Across the room, Kevin is sitting on the couch with Hyungshik, sharing a set of earphones, and Siwan sees the way Kevin's fingers linger lightly on Hyungshik's shoulders, as uncertain and hesitant as Siwan had once felt.

Siwan turns back to the others, eyes widening in knowledge. "You don't mean to say -"

"We are such awesome team members," Heechul announces, and Siwan laughs along with Kwanghee, their fingers tangled together like heartstrings.