~010 - [VIDEO]
[Laura just woke up, and has no idea about the strangers on the network. Her eyes are squinted half-shut to guard against the light.]
What the hell happened? Last thing I remember is--
Neil, where are you?!
What the hell happened? Last thing I remember is--
Neil, where are you?!
Neil's alright. Some weird shit's going off today, but I don't really care. I want words with you.
[He didn't exactly sound like they'd be nice words.]
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Yeah, I figured. Go ahead.
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I ain't going to piss about and be Mr Nice Guy right now. I'll tell you it how it is. You lied to me. Be fucked if I'm gonna be lied to again. I searched your room, and took everything you had left in there. I will continue to do so every day after you're outta here. After two weeks of that, and nothing being found, it'll be once a week. After that, we'll see. You're also getting searched after every fucking port. I'll ask Uhura or Parker to do it. This ain't happening again on my watch. I care about you too fucking much to let it.
[He sighed, wanting to draw a line under that, and not really wanting to allow room for objections, because it was happening one way or another.] And now... how is it? How're you?
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All I had in there to start with were the pills. They were like...a safety net. I didn't even plan on using them, because just knowing they were there made me feel better. It's not like I could tell you--you wouldn't have understood. I got the other stuff after you searched my room for the first time. I figured if you couldn't trust me not to have coke in the first place...
[She doesn't continue that thought.]
How do you think I am? If BOB hadn't killed me, I would've died that way sooner or later.
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[He shrugged,]
And I was one needle away from killing myself more times than I'd like to think 'bout. Doesn't mean it had to stick that way.
You wanna safety net? That's supposed to be me.
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Fuck it, Paddy. Why don't you just leave already? What's it going to take for you to get that I can't be fixed?
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You ain't gonna change my mind. Stop trying to prove it to me. I ain't going anywhere, because it's fucking easy to write people off. I ain't gonna write you off, and neither should you.
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I did this to myself. Everything that's happened to me, I either did to myself or asked for it without even knowing. I tried to figure out what I was doing to deserve it...and if I couldn't do it after trying for years, you can't do it now that it's too late to make a difference. I do things like this because it's how I am.
[She deflates a little, and just sounds completely defeated from there on out.]
I just want to go back to the Black Lodge. I'm sick of postponing the inevitable.
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[Paddy stared up at the ceiling for a moment, then looked back at her,] It ain't. Don't resign yourself to this shit.
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[She blinks back tears.] He marked me in different places so I can never be without him, and told me he was saving a seat for me in the darkness. Even if I graduate somehow, I'll still have to go back there. There's no point.
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[He didn't say it angrily, or even aggressively. It was just honest.] I ain't gonna let that happen, Laura, I'll find some fucking way, because that's not all you're gonna be left with, I promise. He might be saving you a seat, but you don't have to take it.
You didn't deserve it. Nobody deserves that. Stop trying to convince yourself of it, because I ain't ever going to believe it.
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[She pointed at their locations as she named them.] The inside of my mouth. Under my tongue. The inner parts of my thighs. My vulva. Hundreds of tiny cuts that I can't get rid of. I can't wash those off. I can't get rid of him!
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That doesn't mean you have to give in to him, Laura. It doesn't. You're... as much that person, as the genuinely nice, helpful, decent person I know you are too. Why the fuck is it your fault and not his, Laura? He's the one who fucking made you that way? You weren't fucking born like that and I won't hear a word otherwise, because it's not fucking true.
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[She covers her eyes with her forearm.]
It's my fault because nothing I did made him go away. He said he hated me, that he only kept coming back because I wanted it...and I don't know what to think of that anymore, but I still couldn't do anything to stop him.
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Because... you don't have to deal with him all by yourself now, y'know. I know you... you gave fucking everything you had, but you've got a second chance to fucking resist him, and I want to make sure it works. Somehow. I wanna help make it work.
[He bit his lip for a moment,] Just because everything you tried didn't work don't mean it's your fault. And what he says isn't exactly a fucking reliable source, is it? You wanting to stop him in the first place means you ain't worth giving up on, Laura.
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[She laughs, eyes still covered. When she was in the Lodge, BOB would show her things. Things that were unfolding in the world of the living. She remembers one of them now.]
Bobby was right, you know. He freaked out at my funeral, called everyone hypocrites and said they'd all killed me, him included. He said everyone knew I was in some kind of trouble, and they should stop acting like they cared so much when they never even tried to help me.
They gave up. Everything I did was a scream for help, but none of them thought I was worth saving.
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