one hell of a weekend...
A million thoughts and a million emotions run through my being faster than I can really comprehend them. I feel almost anything you could name right now, strange as that is. I've acted in a manner that I claim is uncharacteristic of who I am, but obviously it's not. I don't know if I'm rebelling or just having a good time. I don't regret anything that's happened lately, but at the heart of all this I know there's this pile of resentment and anger that could very well be the source of everything. It's amazing how people can completely not come through when you'd expect them too. But I'm relieved too. I needed this. I needed something final that could ultimately tell me, "This'll never, ever work." I needed to be disappointed, and I needed everything else that's going on as well. I can finally let go of all of this, I can finally breathe, I can finally relax and have a good time and not be so damn preoccupied with him. So I am having fun, and I am rebelling, let's go with all of the above. The important aspect of all of this is that I feel happy for the first time since May. And I mean happy, happy, like the kind of happy that is more all-encompassing. For the past seven months, even at moments that I thought I was happy, I felt something underneath it all that felt something like fear or discomfort or just plain nausea. That's finally gone. I can finally fuckin' live.