TRANSGRESSION.
A LETTER FROM A LOVED ONE, LEAVES ME WONDERING.
Charlotte,
I’m not really sure where I’m going to go with this as I type it but I think its really important to tell you somethings that I may have not been communicating to you lately due to the upheval in my world this year.
I look back on my life at times and think about what a waste of life I’ve led. I have spent every day of my life in some sort of roller coaster ride from hell. Never really understanding what was going on but cognitively aware of the world. Often realizing too late that what I said, what I did and my reactions to the suroundings were negatively impacting not only myself but those that cared for me too. Its been a miserable ride. Often making me older beyond my years, making me emotionally immature and all the while mixed with bitterness, cynacism and set of tight boundaries for myself and others that actually choke off life.
So here I type. Somehow, someway I’ve alienated you. I doubt you’ll ever tell me how I’ve done that. I don’t know if it’s a real transgression or if its just the realization that you’ve grown close to someone and are going through that push/pull we do. Not even sure that matters as reality is what we see in our own minds.
And here I’ve had this brief interaction to you today and I feel that I didn’t provide value to you. That is one of the most hurtful things I could do to myself. One of the worst things I can imagine is to be of no value to you. Ugh…it makes me sick to my stomach right now to even think about that.
I guess I don’t know what to say here and am just rambling but I think its important that you see in writing what I really think of you. This isn’t typed because I think you need to hear it or I’m trying to blow smoke up your ass. I type this for myself. If it benefits you then that’s a bonus.
My friend Charlotte is both a spectator and a participant in my life. Sometimes it makes me sad when she’s a spectator and I can feel the eyes of pitty or judgement coming down but I know that she feels the same way about me. I wish that you weren’t just a spectator sometimes. I think you feel that same way about me.
But here we are. Drawn together by something. Accident maybe but you are one of the few individuals that I see the positive qualities of. I don’t see the negatives as it relates to my life. Oh, I can point out things. Most of the time because its something I do myself but on the whole, I don’t see negatives with you. I never was sure on how we connected. Two different backgrounds. I wondered if it stemed from both of use having tramatic experiences in childhood. I wonder if its because we’ve both experienced more heartache, more pain than any two individuals should. I don’t know what it is.
I do know though that I appreciate your friendship. I long for Charlotte time. You are a piece of me. A piece of my art. A piece of my soul. Its incredible to me how much my life has changed in the last year. I really am living on borrowed time.
I really don’t know where I’m going with this and will be sending it without reading it as its just my pouring of feelings and want you to see them as they came out.
Know these facts. I care deeply for you. I really want to be additive to your life. I deeply respect you. I value you as a piece of me. The things that you decide that are best for yourself, I fully respect but never make decisions based on what you think is best for me. Only I can do that.
My heart is with you right now.
Charlotte,
I’m not really sure where I’m going to go with this as I type it but I think its really important to tell you somethings that I may have not been communicating to you lately due to the upheval in my world this year.
I look back on my life at times and think about what a waste of life I’ve led. I have spent every day of my life in some sort of roller coaster ride from hell. Never really understanding what was going on but cognitively aware of the world. Often realizing too late that what I said, what I did and my reactions to the suroundings were negatively impacting not only myself but those that cared for me too. Its been a miserable ride. Often making me older beyond my years, making me emotionally immature and all the while mixed with bitterness, cynacism and set of tight boundaries for myself and others that actually choke off life.
So here I type. Somehow, someway I’ve alienated you. I doubt you’ll ever tell me how I’ve done that. I don’t know if it’s a real transgression or if its just the realization that you’ve grown close to someone and are going through that push/pull we do. Not even sure that matters as reality is what we see in our own minds.
And here I’ve had this brief interaction to you today and I feel that I didn’t provide value to you. That is one of the most hurtful things I could do to myself. One of the worst things I can imagine is to be of no value to you. Ugh…it makes me sick to my stomach right now to even think about that.
I guess I don’t know what to say here and am just rambling but I think its important that you see in writing what I really think of you. This isn’t typed because I think you need to hear it or I’m trying to blow smoke up your ass. I type this for myself. If it benefits you then that’s a bonus.
My friend Charlotte is both a spectator and a participant in my life. Sometimes it makes me sad when she’s a spectator and I can feel the eyes of pitty or judgement coming down but I know that she feels the same way about me. I wish that you weren’t just a spectator sometimes. I think you feel that same way about me.
But here we are. Drawn together by something. Accident maybe but you are one of the few individuals that I see the positive qualities of. I don’t see the negatives as it relates to my life. Oh, I can point out things. Most of the time because its something I do myself but on the whole, I don’t see negatives with you. I never was sure on how we connected. Two different backgrounds. I wondered if it stemed from both of use having tramatic experiences in childhood. I wonder if its because we’ve both experienced more heartache, more pain than any two individuals should. I don’t know what it is.
I do know though that I appreciate your friendship. I long for Charlotte time. You are a piece of me. A piece of my art. A piece of my soul. Its incredible to me how much my life has changed in the last year. I really am living on borrowed time.
I really don’t know where I’m going with this and will be sending it without reading it as its just my pouring of feelings and want you to see them as they came out.
Know these facts. I care deeply for you. I really want to be additive to your life. I deeply respect you. I value you as a piece of me. The things that you decide that are best for yourself, I fully respect but never make decisions based on what you think is best for me. Only I can do that.
My heart is with you right now.