Prose : Toshiko Profile #1
When she arrives, Jack introduces her to a young woman, by the name of Suzie, and a man, who pushes her out of the way with a grunt of acknowledgement as he heads for a room marked “cold storage.”
His name is Owen.
She remembers that first day well; how Jack had found her a desk, showed her around, and generally taken care of her.
Suzie was the second-in-command she found out soon after starting work there. She was an intelligent woman, one who took no risks with her staff and every risk while experimenting with alien devices, and her projects. She was also talented, to the point of making Toshiko feel useless in her new station.
Owen was different to Suzie. He was a doctor, Toshiko had quickly discovered. There was history there. There still is, though he does not speak much of it. He still calls her princess and darling when he wants something, just like those first days, and even though Tosh knows it’s false, she plays along because no one ever looks at her like that and from Owen, is a high compliment.
Pictures soon scatter her work place, a cacophony of memories forming the melody of her new life. Her home becomes the same, photo frame of her family soon joined by those of the team camping out as a team exercise, of her and Owen at Suzie’s birthday, of the team playing bowling one late Friday night, of her and Owen holding each other as they watched the fireworks bring in the New Year...
Her family’s proud of her. They don’t know her business, but they boast to friends and family of how their daughter is a top scientist in some secret organisation tied to the government. If only they knew, thinks Toshiko. They wouldn’t understand everything she’s now a part of. It’s a blessing in disguise that Toshiko is not allowed to share her true identity with them.
She misses London, its bustling streets and array of sights and sounds that, however grand Cardiff tries to be, cannot be found anywhere else. The Taff is nothing compared to the Thames, the streets not as great and handsome as London’s. There is a light that shines in the heart of Cardiff, but it doesn’t burn as brightly as London’s. There’s a permanent air of hunger in the air, as though the citizens of the night are creatures trying to claw their way into someone else’s life, someone’s heart, someone’s bed. London has nothing of that desperation on display, unless you look hard. It is a city of charm and laughter. It is showmanship and bravado and independence.
It is not real.
London is to Jack like Cardiff is to Suzie. Suzie never gives up trying; she works hard, fights for every ounce of knowledge that she can gain. She hides secrets, Toshiko can see that in her soft smile and flashing eyes, but they are for good and nothing more. But through it all, she never gets that edge, that greatness, to become captain. Jack is all smiles and crinkling eyes, all bright lights and glamour, but there’s something underlying, something not quite within reach, which tells Toshiko that Jack hides a lot more than his second.
But Jack trusts her. She can see it in his face, the way he watches her quietly when he thinks she’s not looking. He places faith in her ability, both to solve problems and to keep his confidence. He takes her on missions, and relies on her to get them out of the troubles that he so often gets them into.
A couple of months later, a new boy joins. His name is Ianto Jones, and he is a typical fresh-faced youth. At least that’s what she thinks, until she learns of his position in Torchwood One.
The fall really got to him, she can tell. She’s seen that look on so many faces since the Cyber-men attacked London. When he smiles, it’s without feeling, and his eyes are dead under dark eyelashes. His hands hover over things for too long, as though he’s trying to feel what the real-world is like once again. It’s as if he’s trying to unlearn everything which he’s seen during his time at Torchwood One, only trying to learn a new world from the inside of Torchwood Three is like a healed blind man learning how to see in the dark.
He stumbles about his day with a ghostly air of indifference. Owen and Suzie don’t take him seriously. In their eyes he’s just a tea boy, there for one purpose and one purpose only; to save them money by not going to Starbucks.
Jack, on the other hand, regards him differently. He tries to win him over with compliments and flashy smiles, and it all amuses Tosh who watches Ianto regard the flirtatious remarks with nothing more than apathetic toleration. It seems to amuse Jack too. He never gives up, and always knows where to draw the line; he also takes delight in crossing said line, from time to time.
Gwen arrives then. Gwen. She’s an interesting girl. Tosh thinks that she may like her eventually, despite Owen’s obvious attraction. She’s a straight-laced, hard-working sort of person. Tosh likes that. She admires that. She gets on well with Jack, too. Almost too well. Tosh watches as everyone gets pushed out of the way a bit, including Ianto. It’s almost not a surprise when they find out about his secrets. Almost.
When they find out about Lisa and all of Ianto’s deception and lies, Tosh feels as betrayed as any of them. She feels for Jack, her captain, who looks as though his very heart is breaking at the thought of Ianto’s betrayal. She wonders how many of them would see it as clearly as she. He holds a gun to Ianto’s head and Tosh fears that he may actually pull the trigger. His eyes tell of deeper, greater things, perhaps the ghost of a past betrayal.
Things change after then.
It’s like a switch has gone on. It’s something to do with the pressure or the atmosphere, or something. Tosh can’t figure it out. Ianto’s smile is more genuine, but his eyes are sad. Jack’s body holds itself differently; it’s tighter, as though he’s prepared for something coming. He barks orders like a true captain, and takes command in a way that singles his self from the rest of them. When that nightmare happens in Brecon, Tosh sees him come alive; nothing would harm his team. Not from the inside, or the out.
Mary is a blip. She’s nothing but a mistake. Tosh tells herself this over and over, until she begins to believe that what she says is true.
But when she thinks back on everything she has learnt about her team, she can’t be too bitter. She thinks about Gwen, and Owen. She thinks about Ianto, and the weight of his pain which just seems unfair. And she thinks about Jack, of the static in his brain, as though emotion and feeling is something that he’d learnt to tune out a long time ago.
Are you dead, Jack? Are you?
So many things happen after then. She watches lives fall apart and be repaired, and fall apart once more. She watches Owen have his heart at last hurt, and Gwen hurt everyone else’s. She watches Ianto mature and grow and become something that they never dreamed. She watches Jack, and the weight on his shoulders become significantly heavier.
And then the blitz happens.
It shocks Tosh that Jack is human, that he can get his heart hurt like any one else. When they meet Jack, the real Jack, Tosh feels like she’s gained a new friend and lost an old one. Her Jack doesn’t seem real any more. But things have never been more far from the truth. For a couple of hours she sees Jack more alive than he’s ever been before, and it uplifts her.
She heard that people become more radiant when they’re in love, more beautiful. She never dreamt that it was true. Jack glows in the presence of the Captain, and Tosh’s own heart pains that it should all be taken away from him. When they return to the hub, she feels closer to Jack, because they could never understand what he’s been through, what he was like. Never.
Jack dies.
Things become a lot easier to understand in those days. Owen hurts. He misses his captain so terribly, and the pain is so very obvious on his face. Gwen never gives up on him, even when the rest of the team do. And something else happens, something which Tosh had never thought of before, not seriously, not like this. She begins to hurt for someone else, someone other than her and Jack.
Even Lisa didn’t make Ianto like this, although perhaps he’d grieved for her a long time before her body died. He sweeps around Jack’s office, and it’s just like the beginning. His hands skim over everything on Jack’s desk, as though he’s trying to relearn a world without Jack.
A healed blind man in a darkened room.
He holds Jack’s belongings when he thinks no one is looking, like it comforts him in some way. He traces the rim of a whisky glass with one long forefinger, seeing if any moisture is still left on the lip. He’s breaking apart and no one can see it because in the end, they all are too.
Jacks resurrection is a miracle. Then again, no one said Jack was normal. She watches Ianto’s expression, the way the pain changes to uncomplicated disbelief and then overwhelming gratefulness as he clings to his captain as though he never wants to let go. And then Jack kisses him and the world is right, and Tosh knows that numbers, and data, and knowledge are nothing when you have this.
.::.
When she arrives, Ianto frowning at the Starbucks coffee in his hand as though it could never match his own standards, Jack has gone and Gwen stands, staring into emptiness as the words above her show a room marked “cold storage.”
“Did you see Jack on your way in?”
“No.”
Owen frowns. “I thought we tidied up in ‘ere. Wha’s the matter?”
“Um... he was just here.” Gwen pauses, and he next words are so certain, so sure, that it makes Tosh’s body tingle. It makes everything gone before not important with this new information. They only have one objective now.
“Something’s taken him, Jack’s gone.