(no subject)
I'm not exactly sure where i should begin. I guess the easiest way to put it is like this...Something seems like it is missing from my life and i have no idea what that something is. I really dont know or understand half of the thoughts that swim through my head. As of late i have been thinking of two things alot more than usualy and alot more than i want to think about them. Those two things, girls and religion. Yeah, i know that they dont go hand in hand, but somehow those thoughts mix together more than they ought to. I want some faith. No, not want. Need. I really wish i could find some. Hope has been nothing more than an illusion for the past five years of my life, i think its time for a change, but i cant bring myself to do it. I know that alot of you know at least a little bit of the story behind my "faith crisis", i dont think anyone knows the whole thing though. No, i more than think, i KNOW that noone knows it all. There is just too much there. Too many questions that no one can answer. Too many of the "but if" and "then why" thoughts exist in me. I just dont know. I want to. I want more than anything else to be able to believe in something. Anything. Blech. Then there are the thoughts of girls. I dont know why they are there, compaired to my whole religion thing this particular issue seems like nothing. Yet they are there. I dont know why, but i want a relationship right now. I just cant find one. Maybe i'm looking too hard? Maybe i am trying too hard? Thing is, as sick as i am of looking for something, i cant seem to make myself stop.
I have said it before and i'll say it again. I hate my thoughts. Hate them.
I have said it before and i'll say it again. I hate my thoughts. Hate them.