(no subject)
i feel exposed and unsure and scared to death. i went to bible study tonight in a bad mood because my car wouldn't start and i had to drive the squeaky ASTRO. i came home feeling useless and lost. my tears blurred the stoplights.
jana really has a way of tearing things apart. its a wonderful attribute but tonight i just couldn't contain myself. her and jenna were talking all about colleges and stuff and basketball scholarships and what-not while i just sort of sat there half-listening, half-in my own world. then jana desides to turn the spotlight on me. she asked the hardest questions. things i've been going over in the back of my mind but never wanted to bring to the surface. now i'm doubtful of my plans and unsure of where i'm supposed to be at next year.
i guess it all comes down to money. which really sucks. i need a school i can afford. i need an education to get a job to pay my way through life. is going to texas for a bible school a waste of money? seriously, what am i going to get out of it? nothing that will transfer to a college. nothing that will count towards car payments and money for food and clothes. just a loan i'll be paying off later on in life.
but then i think of what i know. god will provide for me. i'm just so tangled up in these arguments. i cannot live this life much longer god. when are you coming back? when do i get to go home and be at REST?
what unseen pen etched eternal things on the hearts of humankind- but never let them in our minds?