If Bullfrogs Had Wings 6/?
TItle: If Bullfrogs Had Wings 6/?
Rating: R for themes
Pairing: Finn, Kurt, Finn/Kurt onesided, two sided, shit, I don't know.
A/N: Dear readers, I send you this meager offering. I know I promised a chapter of The Name of the Game, but I have discovered that I have written myself a nice huge plot hole that will require much time and finesse to fix. This one was mostly ready, so I sent it on.
Let me know what you think
They say when you are missing someone that they are probably feeling the same, but I don't think it's possible for you to miss me as much as I'm missing you right now”
It was almost the end of July when it happened. I was lying on the floor, reading a fashion magazine and waiting for my nails to dry, when a knock sounded at the front door. Huffing in exasperation, I stood up, hands straight out in front of me, and peeked out the window. It was a police officer, so I opened the door.
“Hello, Kurt.” At this point, our entire family was known by name.
“Hi. My father is out right now, but do you need to speak to Carole?” I was always exaggeratedly polite to them, just so I could keep them at a distance. Dad and Carole would make them snacks and visit with them and knew when someone was having a birthday, but I couldn’t force friendliness at the best of times, and there was no way I could do it now.
“Actually yes. I have some pictures I would like her to look at.” He stepped in and removed his hat.
“Live pictures or dead ones?” I tried not to think about how very strange my life had become that I considered that a normal question for a Thursday afternoon.
“Live ones. I really think that these might be Finn.” He was uncomfortable under my direct stare, just like all of rest of them, but I didn’t back down. Carole needed protection, and, if Dad wasn’t there to do it, I needed to.
They always thought that it was Finn, and it never was. “I’ll go get her. Please help yourself to a drink, there’s some in the fridge.”
Carole was taking a shower when I went upstairs, so I was sent back down to entertain the officer while she threw herself together. That was fine with me; I wanted to look at these pictures before she did, just so I would know what I was dealing with.
I took a deep breath before going back in the kitchen. No matter what I saw in these pictures, no matter who the boy really was, I would hold it together. I was Kurt God Damn Hummel, and I wasn’t going to break down in front of some random stranger.
“She’s just getting out of the shower, but she’ll be down shortly. May I see the pictures?” This was the first test. If he refused to show them to me, that meant that they were bad. That the teenager in them was bloody or beaten or in the hospital with track marks all over his skin. You would think that the shock would wear off after the first dozen or so pictures exactly like that, but it never did. I always looked at those teens and wondered what had led them to that point, if there was someone out there still hoping they would come home.
“I don’t see why not.” He pushed a plain file folder my way. “They’re a little blurry, since they were taken by a gas station camera, but you can see the face in a few.”
The pictures were black and white, and the first few just showed a tall, dark haired man wearing a black jacket. The face was turned, but I thought I recognized the turn of his shoulders, the cock of his hip. My heart started to speed up as I raced through them until I found one that clearly showed his face.
It was Finn. The hair was too long and in his eyes, and he wasn’t smiling, but I recognized him in the space of a heartbeat. “Oh, God. It’s him.”
Before I could stop myself, I was racing back up the stairs. “Carole! Carole! It’s Finn! It’s Finn in the pictures and he’s alive! You have to come down here, it’s Finn!”
She came out wearing a nice skirt and a sloppy T-shirt of my fathers, one that she had no doubt hurriedly fished out of the hamper when I came back upstairs. Carole always tried to dress nicely for the police, like she was trying to belatedly impress them with her parenting skills, but she was in too much of a rush right now. No matter that she didn’t get out of her pajamas at home unless she was shopping or on her way to work. It was all about appearances, something that I could really appreciate. To her, there was no point in fixing up the outside at home, because he inside was in such turmoil. When I felt poorly, I dressed even fancier, in a pathetic attempt to mask my pain. The sad part was, I could usually pull it off. Mercedes knew me well enough to call me on my bullshit, but she was about the only one.
Carole turned to me at the top of the stairs. “It’s him?” For the first time in over four months, there was hope in her voice.
“It’s him.” The excitement faded as I realized that maybe it wasn’t. After all, I was his friend (kind of), but Carole was his mother. She would take one look at those pictures and be 100% sure and what if I had just gotten her hope up for nothing?
Oh, shush. You might not have known him for as long, but, trust me, you’ve spent as much time looking at him as anyone. More then most, actually. You know his face and his movements and his postures as well as anyone in this world, including his mother.
Carole looked over the same pictures I had and gasped. “That’s him. That’s my baby. Where is he?” She grabbed the folder and started tearing through it, looking for anything that might tell her how to get to Finn the fastest.”
“The pictures were taken at a gas station in New Mexico. The station manager says that he has seen Finn, who he knows as ‘Jeremy’ on multiple occasions, with a man who he thought was Finn’s father. He didn’t think anything of it until he saw Finn’s missing child picture in Newsweek and thought that it might be the same kid.”
That didn’t make sense. “Wait, he’s seen Finn more then once and he didn’t realize that anything was wrong?”
He flipped through the report. “According to him, he’s seen Finn at least 4 or 5 times in the past month, usually paying for gas and a drink. He’s never seen Finn arrive alone, the man is always either with him or waiting in the car. He’s wasn’t sure if he should call at first, since he clearly heard the man call Finn ‘Jeremy’ and Finn never seemed to be in actual distress and never asked for help, but the pictures seemed so alike that he felt like he had to. He said that Finn never talked to him at all, and the man he was with claimed that he was really shy.” He pointed at the pictures again. “You are 100% sure that this is your son in the picture.”
“Yes.” Carole and I answered at the same time.
“Then what I need to do is get back to the station and let them know that it is Finn. Then we’ll try and get a plan together so we can get Finn home safely.”
“My baby is still alive.” Carole’s voice was a soft whisper. “I knew it, even when everyone tried to tell me he wasn’t.” She was clutching at the table and I wondered if she was about to have some sort of heart attack.
The officer noticed it, too. “Is there someone you can call to come be with you?”
“I’ll call my Dad. Ok, Carole? I’m going to have Dad come home.”
Dad was stunned when I told him what was happening. He kept asking me to repeat myself, and if I was sure that it was Finn. With each assurance that I was, his voice got guiltier. Like me, he had been sure that Finn was gone forever. He promised to come home as quickly as possible.
While we were waiting, I made some tea and then sat on the couch with Carole, almost in her lap. She kept a trembling arm around me, but didn’t say anything. I wanted to do or say the right thing, but I had no idea what that was.
Finn was alive, I knew that now, but what sort of shape was he really in? The fact that he hadn’t asked for help, despite being free to do so, scared me. If the man who he was with, and I had to assume that it was the same man who took him, had stayed in the car, why hadn’t Finn tried to run, or scream or do anything but pay and leave?
For the first time since we found Puck’s body, I wondered if Finn hadn’t voluntarily run way after all. We had wasted months trying to find him, but he wasn’t making any effort at all to get back to us.
He’s too scared. This man took him away from everyone and everything he knows, killed his best friend right in front of him, and has done God knows what else to him in the past four months, and you’re really wondering why Finn gave up fighting? It’s called Stockholm Syndrome, look it up.
I already knew what Stockholm Syndrome was. It was when someone was kidnapped and suffered so badly that they actually started to bond with their captors, to see them as allies in their strange new world. There had even been cases where the victim had lied or attempted to fight off rescuers just so they could stay with the people who had taken them in the first place. I couldn’t understand it, but, then, I guessed I had never had an experience like that.
Why don’t you look it up anyway, particularly as it pertains to kidnapped children and teenagers? Grown men can have their psyches broken down in just 8 weeks of boot camp, so does it really surprise you that Finn would suffer the same thing in four months? If that gas station owner has only been seeing Finn for a month, that leaves three months in which Finn was probably never allowed to leave the house. Maybe he was beaten. Maybe he was raped. Maybe he was just kept trapped in one room, unable to even see the sun. How many ways can you think of to destroy someone?
Enough that it made me feel sick to my stomach. I remembered my father saying something to that effect, that getting Finn home was going to be just the first step in really getting him back. Even if this man had treated him like a king, and even if Finn hadn’t actually seen Puck die, he had still ripped a teenage boy away from his family, and kept him hidden for more then four months. That in itself would have been enough to scare me into just about anything.
The garage door rumbled, telling me that Dad was home. Carole startled out of whatever trance she had fallen into. “I didn’t make dinner.”
“It’s still early. I can make us something.” I could throw together some pasta or chicken or something.”
She smiled at me. “You’re such a help, Kurt. Your mother would be very proud of the man you’re growing into.”
Her words, quiet and heartfelt, took me by total surprise. “I, uh, thank you.” It was a recurring worry of mine, what my mother would think about me now. Would she be proud of the way I remained true to myself, no matter what anyone said, or the way I never gave up, even against insurmountable odds? I liked to think that she would.
Of course, I had parts of my personality that I didn’t like, and she probably wouldn’t have liked either. I had a tendency to fixate on things, beyond what might be healthy, and I worried too much about being abandoned by Dad. I was stubborn and tended to demand that everything go my way, which might have been part of the problem with Finn and I living together. I wasn’t used to having to share anything, and suddenly I had to share my most personal space.
Newsflash, Kurt, he never had to share either. Maybe both of you would have done better if you were a little more patient during the adjustment period. You were in the wrong, but so was he. Also, so were both Carole and your father, so don’t feel too badly about it.
She touched my neck gently. “Don’t ever let anyone force you to change, ok? Even if you have nothing else, you have yourself.”
I wondered if she was having the same thoughts that I was, that it was entirely possible that Finn had already lost himself. I nodded, my eyes locked on hers. “I won’t.”
That was my excuse to leave, so I went back to the kitchen, not so much because I actually wanted to make dinner, but because it would be easy to eavesdrop from there. I know, it’s wrong to do it, but if I didn’t eavesdrop and snoop, I would have no idea what was happening around here.
Unfortunately, I didn’t learn anything new. The officer had left copies of all of the pictures, and Dad agreed that it was definitely Finn, but that was about it. I made vegetarian lasagna, then set it in the oven to bake. If I didn’t make an effort to create healthy meals, this family would never eat them. Not that I didn’t appreciate Carole making the majority of our meals, since it meant that I didn’t have to, but heart disease ran in the Hummel family, and, despite what he claimed, I knew that my father was still hiding things like Slim Jims and Twinkies at the garage. I actually found them in his tool box one time, hidden under the wrenches.
“We’re going to New Mexico.” Carole’s words, calm and measured, made me jump. “At least I am. You can stay here, or you can come with me, either way is fine with me.”
“Car, think about it. Why don’t we let the police do their job, and see what they come up with? Finn might not even be in the town that his picture was taken in. He could have just been passing through.”
“Officer Page said that he’s been seen at the same station, 4 or 5 times, in the space of a month. That’s once a week. He’s there, Burt. I finally know where my baby is, and I have to go to him. If one person there has seen him, then other people have, too.”
“Ok, how about I call the police, and we see what they recommend? If they think it’s worth a shot, I’ll close the garage for a few days and the two of us can go.” Dad was placating the crazy woman now; I could hear it in his voice.
Excuse both of them, are they really going to leave the kid who isn’t missing all alone in Lima while they go chasing after the one who is?
Carole read my mind. “What about Kurt? He can’t stay here alone.”
“Do you think it’s good for him to go? I mean, we might not find Finn and, even if we do, we don’t know if…well, he might be hurt or something. This has been hard on Kurt, too, and we don’t want to disrupt him any more then we have to.” Dad was dancing around what he was really thinking, which was that Finn might in too bad of shape for me to see him.
“No, I don’t think he should go. Maybe he could stay with a friend? What about Mercedes? If we’re going to leave him, it needs to be with someone that we can trust, and Mercedes is a good choice.”
Dad made a rumbling noise. “I don’t think her parents are comfortable having a boy spend the night, even if we all know Kurt won’t try anything.”
“Why don’t you let me speak to her parents? I’m sure that, once they understand that this is a special circumstance, that we aren’t asking for sleepovers every weekend, they’ll understand.”
“Agreed. If the police think that it’s alright, we’ll go to New Mexico and Kurt can stay with Mercedes. Provided that it’s alright with him, of course.”
A few days spent hanging out with my best friend in the world, doing manicures and facials and not having to watch every word that came out of my mouth for fear of upsetting one parent or another? Yes sir!
Their voices faded, so I set the timer and went upstairs to find my laptop. I pulled up Google and typed in exactly what the voice had suggested: Stockholm Syndrome kidnapped child.
Case after case popped up on the screen, some of them sounding exactly like what was happening with Finn. Elizabeth Smart, aged 14, stolen from her bedroom in the middle of the night. When she was found, 9 months later, she was not only with her captor on a public street and not trying to get help, she actually claimed that she wasn’t Elizabeth Smart at all, but a girl named Augustine.
Steven Staynor, kidnapped at age 7 and held for 7 years. His kidnapper enrolled him in a public school under a fictitious name, allowed him to drive and have friends. Even as a teenager, he made no attempt to free himself until a much younger child was kidnapped by the same man. By the time he carried that child to safety, he could no longer even remember how to spell his last name.
Sean Hornbeck, kidnapped at age 11, and found at age 15. He was also enrolled at school under a fictitious name, and was frequently seen riding his bike alone laughing and apparently perfectly content.
Jaycee Duggard, snatched at age 11 and held for well over 18 years. She and the daughters that resulted from her being raped by her kidnapper were frequently seen at a local college campus, handing out religious literature. According to the student body, she had never seemed to be in need of help.
I was seeing a pattern here, one that made dizzy. All of these kids were forcefully taken by strangers, which was exactly like Finn, and every one of them had been repeatedly physically or sexually abused. Most had been both. I sent a brief prayer up to a God I had never really believed in. Please, please let that not have happened to Finn. He’s suffered enough, we all have, please don’t have that one last thing taken away from him.
“Kurt, dinner!” Dad was calling, and I while had been starving when I first came upstairs, everything I had just read was making me want to vomit. But if I didn’t eat, Carole would hover and Dad would coax and both of them would make me want to scream with their overparenting. So I checked myself over in the mirror, noting the pale skin and dark circles under my eyes, and shrugged. As terrible as I looked right now, it wasn’t an unusual look for me these days, nor was it any different from the rest of the family.
I made sure to serve myself a decent sized portion of both lasagna and salad, which I would mostly push around the plate until we all gave up the pretense of a nice family dinner and I cleared the table.
Dad cleared his throat awkwardly. “Kurt, do you have any questions about anything that’s happening? I’m sure you saw the pictures.”
The only question I had was the one that none of us could answer yet: was Finn ok? “No. I mean, Finn’s alive, and that’s a good thing, right?”
“It is. Listen, the police have circulated Finn’s picture, and they believe they know what sort of car the man was driving. It’s only a matter of time before they find Finn, now, and Carole and I want to be there when it happens. I don’t want you here alone, so are you alright with spending a few days with Mercedes?”
“Yes.” I wasn’t entirely successful in concealing my excitement, but hopefully they would think I was just happy about the thought of getting Finn back. I was, don’t get me wrong, but I was afraid to get my hopes too high, just in case.
“You wouldn’t be afraid to be away from us for that long? Because I can stay here if it would make you more comfortable.”
I had to bite back a snort. I had been away from both Dad and Carole, the real Dad and Carole, ever since he had woken me up on that Saturday morning to ask where Finn was. There are a million ways to be missing, and they had proven that you didn’t even have to leave the house to be gone. “No, Carole needs you more then I do right now. Plus, I do have that brand new cell phone. I can always call if I need to talk to either one of you.” Not that we had much to talk about these days, but being able to hear their voices would be a comfort.
He nodded. “Alright. I expect you to be on your best behavior over there, I mean it. Carole’s going to have to promise that woman the moon to keep you, so don’t do anything to make us regret trusting you and sending you over there.”
“I won’t do anything to make it worse for you and Carole, I promise. Unlike some people, I have manners.” My feelings were a little hurt that no one seemed to trust me, even though I was the one who had basically held this family together for the past few months.
He rubbed his forehead, like he was getting a headache. “I know, Kurt, I’m sorry. I know what a huge help you’ve been lately, taking on a lot of responsibility and that it hasn’t been fair to you. I just…I have no idea how to handle this.”
It meant a lot that someone had noticed how hard I was trying. “Thanks.”
“I want to be able to help you, and to help Carole, but I can’t seem to do anything right. I just keep thinking that it could have just as easily been you, and I don’t think that I could survive losing you. I barely survived losing your mother.” He awkwardly put out an arm, and I pressed myself into his embrace. “I love Finn, don’t get me wrong, but you’re my kid. Even if I can’t show it, you will always come first to me.”
I almost wished that he hadn’t said that. Not that I didn’t want to hear it, because I did, but it made me want to start crying, and if that happened, I was going to end up begging him to either stay here with me, or to take me with him and Carole and that couldn’t happen. If I could hold it together until he and Carole left, I could cry to Mercedes later. She was the only one it was safe to break in front of. “I love you, too, Dad. I, uh, I need to start packing.”
He smiled sadly and let me go. “Don’t get too excited, Carole hasn’t talked to Mrs. Jones yet.”
No, but Carole was just like her son. Given the proper motivation, she could charm the leaves off the trees, and, really? Who could say no to a mother who was being given the chance to get her kid back?
Which brought me the current moment, lying underneath an umbrella beside the Berry pool, a virgin Cosmo clutched lightly in my fingers. Her Dads were in Paris for the week on some sort of second honeymoon (damn them! I’ll bet they weren’t shopping at all, just sightseeing. The opportunities that some people gave up, I swear), and she had decided to throw a party in their absence.
It had been surprisingly fun, especially considering that Quinn, who had somehow miraculously lost the baby weight and looked fantastic in her bikini, had taken Rachel aside and threatened her with death if we had to do anything resembling practice at this party. There would be enough time for that once school started again, and we needed a chance to reconnect after the summer and just hang out as friends. The 10 of us needed each other, and to stick together, in a way that we hadn’t needed to before.
Everyone else was swimming, even Artie, but I wasn’t going out in the sun. First of all, sun damage is a big no-no, since it leads to cancer, not to mention wrinkles, and second of all, I couldn’t tan to save my life. I burned at the first hint of sun, then peeled, then freckled, all without even the slightest darkening of my skin. It was depressing, even if I did try to tell myself that pale skin was in on all of the models, and my coloring was perfect like it was.
Kurt, you’re 5’7. I’m pretty sure that modeling isn’t anywhere in your future.
That wasn’t my fault either. My Dad was short, and he passed on his little genes to me. Besides, there was still time for me to hit a growth spurt.
Uh-huh, you keep telling yourself that. But if you want to-
The mental debate was cut off by the shrill of my cell phone. I lazily picked it up, seeing Dad’s familiar number. “Hey Dad. Did you find him?”
“No, not yet. The police have narrowed down the type of car and put out posters everywhere, but Finn hasn’t been to the station at all these week and it’s no one else recognizes him or the car. It’s like we just missed him.”
Or maybe it had never been Finn in the first place “Oh.” Suddenly the party didn’t seem fun any more. I didn’t understand how we could have come so close to Finn, even found the right town from across the country, and still not have anything to show for it.
“Don’t give up hope now, kiddo, alright? If Finn was really here, someone else had to have seen him. We’ve been on the local news with his picture and description, so it’s just a matter of time.”
He had said the same thing a week ago, before they had even left. I stared into my brightly colored drink as it grew blurry with tears. “I know.”
“I’ll call you tonight, ok? I just wanted to hear your voice and make sure that you were alright.”
“I am. We’re having a party at Rachel’s house right now, and Mercedes and I are going to a showing of My Fair Lady tonight.” She had been doing her best to keep me as busy as possible, so I wouldn’t dwell on what was happening in New Mexico. I would never tell her, but all it ended up doing was making me wait until after she had fallen asleep to start crying. Finn’s dog, the one that I had taken off his bed just so I could hold something that he had held, worked pretty well to muffle my soft, choking, sobs. I would always pretend that I wasn’t crying at all, and, if I was too loud and Mercedes did wake up, she would wrap a silent arm around me and not bring it up in the morning. I loved that girl so damn much.
“Ok, then. I’ll let you enjoy your party and your sing-along, old movie play thing. Are you doing alright over there?”
“Yeah.” My throat was way too tight, but I was used to that and still managed to make it sound normal.
“We’ll call if there’s any news.” Despite his efforts to sound upbeat, I could tell that he didn’t think that there was going to be any.
I wanted to go home, or even back to Mercedes’ place, but I didn’t want to spoil the party for everyone else. So I leaned back and closed my eyes, mentally putting together an outfit for first Mercedes, then myself. That always calmed me, no matter how bad things were. Putting together and outfit was a complicated but logical process. You didn’t mix certain fabrics, or patterns, or colors, but there was freedom within those constraints. Let’s see, I had that blue ruffled shirt, which would look really good with those skinny (to the point of being completely constricting, but we all had to suffer to look good) black leather pants, and a pair of heavy boots. Could I get away with a hat with that outfit, or would that look trashy with the embellished shirt? Maybe a beret, those were understated.
A sudden spasm of horror passed through me. That shirt, the one that perfectly completed the outfit, was at home, hanging in my wardrobe. Somehow, I had forgotten to pack it. Did I have anything else acceptable? I ran a mental perusal, and realized that I didn’t. Either Mercedes and I would have to leave the party early, or I was going to have to go to a sing-along looking like I had been dressed by blind nuns.
You have a third option, you know. Your car is here, and it would take 45 minutes to run home and get the shirt and come back. You could almost be back in the amount of time it would take for Mercedes to get out of the pool, take a quick shower to get the chlorine out of her hair, and get dressed.
Except I had promised Dad that I would employ the buddy system at all times while he and Carole were away. Even though nothing bad was going to happen, he had put his trust in me, and I felt terrible breaking it.
He’ll never know. Won’t it be nice to grab a few extra things, anyway?
It would, and I could feel my resolve weakening. It would only be once and the chances of me being caught were miniscule. I stood up before I could chicken out. “Mercedes? I need to run to the house for a minute. I’ll be back really quick.”
She looked up from where she was floating on a raft, and flipped her sunglasses up. “Does it have to be right now? I just got comfortable.”
“You don’t have to come. It will just take a few minutes, and I’ll be fine on my own.”
“No way. I had to all but promise Finn’s mother that I would handcuff myself to you this week before she would agree for you to stay with us. I’m not going to let you run around town all by yourself on day five.”
That threw me for a minute. Carole had really been that concerned about me? I didn’t even think she noticed me lately, except on the rare occasions that I was useful as a distraction from her pain. “A half hour, tops.” I lowered my head and made myself look as pathetic as possible. “Please, ‘Cedes. I just need a few minutes to get my blue shirt and I really want to be alone. I love you, but I’m starting to get suffocated.”
Her eyes narrowed. “A half hour, Kurt. I expect a call when you get there, a call when you leave, and a call when you’re almost back here. Kurt? I will be timing your pasty ass.”
“Thanks.” I set my drink down and grabbed the keys. This would be the first time I had been alone in the house in almost two months, and, despite my brave words, I wasn’t sure how it was going to be. But if I backed down now, I would look like a wimp in front of not only Mercedes, but the entire rest of the Glee club.
I yelled a quick goodbye to Rachel, promising to be back quickly, and hopped in the car. The AC felt too cold, and I belatedly realized that I was sweating despite the heat. Was I really afraid of my own house?
The answer was apparently yes, because my stomach knotted tighter and tighter as I got closer. Maybe I didn’t need that shirt after all. I could wear the black and white striped one that was a little off the shoulder with a pair of white pants and sneakers and probably look alright.
By the time I sorted that out, though, I was at the house and, as long as I was here, I might as well get the original outfit I had planned.
Our driveway curved around the side of the house, and there were tall, immaculately groomed bushes surrounding it, which meant that the front door was hidden until you were almost on top of it. I had never thought much about it before all of this happened, but now I approached the door with trepidation every time. What if someone was waiting, and used the bushes to screen themselves?
That’s stupid. Even if someone wanted to kidnap you, what reason would there be for them to hide out at a house that’s been empty for almost a week, just hoping that you stop by all alone?
That thought gave me a burst of confidence and I swung around the corner with a flourish that I hadn’t felt in months. I had done such a good job of convincing myself that I was perfectly safe, that I ended up shrieking at the top of my lungs when I realized that there actually was someone sitting on the porch.
The sudden noise made the huddled figure look up, and cut my scream off dead. I gasped, sure that I was dreaming. “Finn?”
Every time I had thought I saw Finn before, he had looked exactly like he had the day he disappeared. Now he was pale and trembling, his hair hanging in his eyes and wearing a black hoodie sweatshirt that was way too warm for the 85 degree heat. When I stretched out my hand, it met solid flesh instead of going right through him. “Oh, God, Finn.”