harry potter fic, "swan!"
for cliche_bingo, prompt: "crackfic"! (you can find an index of the cliche_bingo submissions here.) summary: harry potter and luna lovegood: buddy cops--or aurors, as the case may be. approx. 750 words, gen. betaed and titled by lover_youshould (though the title is from hot fuzz.) comments welcome on the ao3 here!
Swan!
by elfiepike
"So I was wrong about it being a shnorfflepup," Luna said to Harry. "I think it may in fact be a gazzerackenstine."
"I'm having a hard time appreciating the difference just now, Luna," he said. He'd had enough trouble just getting the both of them behind cover, and said a quick and silent thank you to MARY WILSON, DEVOTED WIFE AND MOTHER, especially thanking her for needing to have what seemed to be an entire chapter of a gothic romance following the dates of her death, making it a rather ideal hiding space.
"I'm not surprised-- the shnorfflepup and the gazzerackenstine are nearly identical except for their ears," Luna said, already peeking around the edge of the granite. Harry barely pulled her back in time to avoid another egregiously massive blast of sticky, stinking slime from the creature's secondary trunk. She continued, unperturbed by his interruption: "Those are definitely gazzerackenstine ears, and a female, no less; you can tell by the soft color gradations around--"
The creature bellowed again, sounding not unlike a sea lion that had drunk seven too many glasses of butterbeer. It also sounded closer.
"Not to interrupt," Harry said, leaning carefully around his side of the tombstone, slowly so as not to draw attention, "but is there anything we can actually DO about it?"
That was their job, after all: a creature of unknown (but certainly magical) origin had been seen by a family of Muggles in a cemetery. Harry and Luna were to contain it and, if possible, retrieve it.
No one had been hurt, but Harry especially disliked obliviating little kids, and the snot alone was coating nearly twenty graves, now.
"I can only imagine that it came out of the woods this far in search of a mate," Luna said. She adjusted her protective goggles. Harry wished he'd had the foresight to bring his own pair; at least his glasses were charmed against dirt. "Poor thing must have hibernated too long; the rest of its family probably left it behind when they went north for the summer."
"So... we find another it a mate and bring it here?"
"Harry, even if there were a male gazzerackenstine around, it would never come out in daylight." Luna paused, considering, while Harry pondered with a calm sort of acceptance the sound of its--her--caterwauling getting closer yet.
Luna looked over at Harry and offered: "I think that they are attracted to small, fast, brightly-colored objects?"
That was how Harry found himself filling out section 5b (Personal Property Damaged During Incident: Pending verification of the incident, the Ministry may replace damaged or lost items with a voucher for the market value of the item.) of the Incident Report form with a list of the various small, shiny things that had been in the pockets of his robe at the time, including the pen Hermione had given him for one year's service as an Auror ("silver pen - sentimental value," he wrote, remembering how it looked soaring over the gazzerackenstine's multifaceted eyes, aided by charmed butterfly wings) and the Snitch he'd been keeping handy for a pick-up game he'd been invited to after he got off duty.
"Sorry about your pen, Harry," Luna said, filling out her own paperwork on the desk next to him. She'd thrown her shoe and both earrings at it; it was the first time Harry had ever seen her ears bare.
When she looked up at him, smiling and earnest, he couldn't help but smile back. "Don't worry about it," he said, and then signed the bottom of the form. "Want to get some food once we're off the clock?"
"Oh, yes!" Luna said, signing her own form with a flourish that always ended with her hand a foot over the desk, quill trembling excitedly. She put the quill away and picked up her scarf. "My father was telling me about a new restaurant he was going to review for the Quibbler; he said it's just crawling with neederbuskins!"
"That sounds--charming," Harry said, refraining from laughing. It did sound charming, especially with Luna's eyes lighting up as she described the vile side-effects of said neederbuskins getting into one's food. "Let's get you another shoe first, yeah?"
"I think I have another one in the locker room," Luna said.
All in all, a normal enough day. Harry signed out at the front desk, and thought that he was okay with days like this being the norm for a long time.
Swan!
by elfiepike
"So I was wrong about it being a shnorfflepup," Luna said to Harry. "I think it may in fact be a gazzerackenstine."
"I'm having a hard time appreciating the difference just now, Luna," he said. He'd had enough trouble just getting the both of them behind cover, and said a quick and silent thank you to MARY WILSON, DEVOTED WIFE AND MOTHER, especially thanking her for needing to have what seemed to be an entire chapter of a gothic romance following the dates of her death, making it a rather ideal hiding space.
"I'm not surprised-- the shnorfflepup and the gazzerackenstine are nearly identical except for their ears," Luna said, already peeking around the edge of the granite. Harry barely pulled her back in time to avoid another egregiously massive blast of sticky, stinking slime from the creature's secondary trunk. She continued, unperturbed by his interruption: "Those are definitely gazzerackenstine ears, and a female, no less; you can tell by the soft color gradations around--"
The creature bellowed again, sounding not unlike a sea lion that had drunk seven too many glasses of butterbeer. It also sounded closer.
"Not to interrupt," Harry said, leaning carefully around his side of the tombstone, slowly so as not to draw attention, "but is there anything we can actually DO about it?"
That was their job, after all: a creature of unknown (but certainly magical) origin had been seen by a family of Muggles in a cemetery. Harry and Luna were to contain it and, if possible, retrieve it.
No one had been hurt, but Harry especially disliked obliviating little kids, and the snot alone was coating nearly twenty graves, now.
"I can only imagine that it came out of the woods this far in search of a mate," Luna said. She adjusted her protective goggles. Harry wished he'd had the foresight to bring his own pair; at least his glasses were charmed against dirt. "Poor thing must have hibernated too long; the rest of its family probably left it behind when they went north for the summer."
"So... we find another it a mate and bring it here?"
"Harry, even if there were a male gazzerackenstine around, it would never come out in daylight." Luna paused, considering, while Harry pondered with a calm sort of acceptance the sound of its--her--caterwauling getting closer yet.
Luna looked over at Harry and offered: "I think that they are attracted to small, fast, brightly-colored objects?"
That was how Harry found himself filling out section 5b (Personal Property Damaged During Incident: Pending verification of the incident, the Ministry may replace damaged or lost items with a voucher for the market value of the item.) of the Incident Report form with a list of the various small, shiny things that had been in the pockets of his robe at the time, including the pen Hermione had given him for one year's service as an Auror ("silver pen - sentimental value," he wrote, remembering how it looked soaring over the gazzerackenstine's multifaceted eyes, aided by charmed butterfly wings) and the Snitch he'd been keeping handy for a pick-up game he'd been invited to after he got off duty.
"Sorry about your pen, Harry," Luna said, filling out her own paperwork on the desk next to him. She'd thrown her shoe and both earrings at it; it was the first time Harry had ever seen her ears bare.
When she looked up at him, smiling and earnest, he couldn't help but smile back. "Don't worry about it," he said, and then signed the bottom of the form. "Want to get some food once we're off the clock?"
"Oh, yes!" Luna said, signing her own form with a flourish that always ended with her hand a foot over the desk, quill trembling excitedly. She put the quill away and picked up her scarf. "My father was telling me about a new restaurant he was going to review for the Quibbler; he said it's just crawling with neederbuskins!"
"That sounds--charming," Harry said, refraining from laughing. It did sound charming, especially with Luna's eyes lighting up as she described the vile side-effects of said neederbuskins getting into one's food. "Let's get you another shoe first, yeah?"
"I think I have another one in the locker room," Luna said.
All in all, a normal enough day. Harry signed out at the front desk, and thought that he was okay with days like this being the norm for a long time.