panic! chatporn turned into fic, untitled.
so you guys may or may not realize this, but one of my favorite AU settings is "hey look, they're pornstars!" there are a couple of other stories that have done this in the panic! fandom, but i still end up telling disarm_d about my hopes and dreams for the AU where spencer and ryan are twink gay-for-pay "amateurs" and then spencer actually starts getting into it (though ryan is actually mostly straight) and starts filming with brendon and they have hot sex and maybe date or something.
we also talk about our Perfect Celebrity Sex tapes, which somehow became this conversation:
[00:01] elfie: which is maybe part of the reason i keep hoping someone else will write the "they all do amateur porn" au with like, actual porny-pornness. ryan ross does rough-sex! (which is SUPER AMAZING AND OFFPUTTING) spencer masturbation porn! jon sexes up a lady in a weird camera angle (they both are wearing funny costumes)! brendon gives blowjobs and masturbates and--okay, i would really watch any brendon porn video
[00:01] elfie: i feel very strongly that brendon would make some hot porn videos
[00:01] elfie: superhot
[00:02] elfie: like, okay, spencer smith, i find him ridiculously attractive, and in the canon of my heart (and in the tinhat of my head, in REALITY TOO, OKAY) he is amazing in bed
[00:02] laura: because HE is quite superhot.
[00:02] laura: HE HIS AMAZING IN BED, OKAY
[00:02] laura: TOTALLY
[00:02] elfie: but i BELIEVE that brendon would be able to play the role, okay
[00:02] elfie: like
[00:02] elfie: he would sell it to me
[00:02] laura: SPENCERSMITHINBEDOHMYGOD.
[00:02] elfie: spencer smith may never have to fake it
[00:02] elfie: but you would never know that brendon was faking it in the first place
[00:02] elfie: that kind of thing.
[00:03] elfie: so ideally their porn videos would be together, possibly starting and ending with one or several ladies.
[00:03] elfie: like, maybe it can go: brendon eats out a lady, a lot; the lady blows brendon; spencer fucks the lady and then fucks brendon while he eats the lady out?
[00:03] laura: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[00:04] laura: MORE DETAILS OF THAT, PLZ.
Brendon actually gets more into it than he's supposed to, because Haley can really take pretty much anything (she says that, "I can take pretty much anything," grinning, sort of embarrassed but sort of not) and instead of doing that weird angle so the camera can see, he ends up getting his face down there and going all out. She makes these little noises, like she can't control herself, and pulls his hair and then pulls her own and trembles and yells when she comes.
Spencer is scripted to enter the scene when Brendon sits up in between Haley's legs. (The scene started with Brendon saying he needed to study biology, get his grades up, and Haley said, "I took that class, I can tutor you." Brendon, with a truly amazing eyebrow-wiggle, said, "I'm having trouble with female anatomy," and Haley giggled and pretended to blush when he convinced her to take off her shirt and shimmy out of her shorts and panties.)
So when Haley starts calming down, there's a knock on the door. Before either of them can say anything, it opens and of course it's Spencer, in a tight t-shirt and just-as-tight jeans. He says, "What the fuck is going on here," full on bitch-voice, authentic.
Haley says, "It's not what it looks like!" but she's still shuddering, naked, on the bed and Brendon had taken off his shirt as part of his convincing of her, and his face is all shiny. Brendon says, "We were studying anatomy."
Spencer comes over and grabs Brendon by the back of his head (he's still between her legs, even), and he licks a stripe up Brendon's face, and Brendon closes his eyes, moaning, and Spencer licks into his mouth, still holding onto his hair. Brendon's balanced precariously between Haley's legs, his hands on either of her thighs, holding himself upright. Spencer definitely believes in a theory of "dominance through my mouth", and when he pulls back, Brendon's eyes are glazed.
Spencer looks at Haley, and looks back at Brendon. "It's only fair that you help her study, too," he says, and Brendon has literally forgotten what's next in the script, but that's okay because Haley is shifting and Spencer says, "Take off your pants so she can suck you off."
(They cut the bit where Brendon has trouble getting his buckle undone and Haley and Spencer laugh at him and undo Brendon's belt for him; and the bit right after that where Brendon rubs at his eyes, grinning, "Haley, you come like a motherfucker.")
Brendon stands on the bed, Spencer standing next to him on the floor; Brendon holds onto Spencer's shoulder for balance while Haley, on her knees, starts sucking him off, tentatively at first. "I've never done this before," she says, following the script and smiling faux-shyly at him, but soon she's getting really into it, sucking and licking and using her hands to stroke his dick and play with his balls. Brendon keeps saying, "Oh fuck, oh fuck," until Haley pulls back just a little and Spencer slaps Brendon's ass and Brendon says, "Oh FUCK, what--" The bed dips as Spencer gets up behind him, still fully dressed, and starts licking along Brendon's crack, holding him open with both his hands, Haley still in front of him.
"Oh fuck oh fuck, motherfucker, fuck fuck fuck," Brendon says, finally stopping only because he has to just open his mouth and moan, like that will make him come faster or harder, having his mouth open, but somehow it seems to work that way because then he's coming, half in Haley's mouth and half along her face and neck. She strokes him through it, Spencer holding him up by his hips and then pushing him down until Brendon's on his knees, too, and then Spencer pushes Brendon's shoulders down, too, sort of sideways between him and Haley, and he leans over Brendon's body to lick Haley clean and kiss her, the way he did with Brendon, before.
Spencer and Haley get into it: he snakes one hand over Brendon's body and rubs a path down her body while they kiss, starting with her collarbone, detouring at her breasts, and ending in her crotch, his fingers long and just barely pressing against her. He says against her mouth, "You're still wet," his eyes half-lidded, and she just nods, mouth still open, looking well-fucked and still wanting.
They cut the bit where Spencer gets undressed, because he's never quite managed the intentionally-sexy striptease (though even his efficiency has its own kind of sexiness to it), and where Brendon asks for, "Water, please, goddammit. Oh my god, I am keeping you guys. forever." "You fucking diva," Spencer says, pushing off his jeans and folding them--folding them! Haley giggles--and then catching the lube and condoms that a PA tosses him.
Haley and Brendon both have a bottle of water, watching Spencer stroke and pull himself a few times and slide the condom down. "What," Spencer says, looking from Haley to Brendon and then back again, "Am I the only one getting paid to fuck, here, or what?" They both make faces, amused, and get into position, Haley up on her knees by the headboard, Brendon kneeling next to her, palming himself almost absent-mindedly, and Spencer close behind her. He slides in when the director yells, "Action!", and she is still totally wet from before, wet and ready, so when Spencer starts up slow, she says, "You can--you can go harder than that," and the cameras zoom in on her face, her mouth opening as Spencer holds her hips and does it, half-smiling in concentration.
Brendon zones out for a moment, watching her breasts bouncing, stroking himself idly and then slowly with more intent, Haley gasping and gasping in front of him, going, "Oh, oh, oh," and closing her eyes and making the most amazing faces. "You're supposed to be studying this," Spencer says, and his voice is lower, growly, not really paying as much attention. Brendon says, "I can't fucking see, can I?" so Spencer slaps Haley's ass and stops thrusting so he can lift one of her legs; she turns easily and ends up on her side, on the pillows, one of her legs over Spencer's shoulder as he slams in and out, and Brendon's right where he's supposed to be, so after a moment she leans in and starts sucking his dick again, eyes closed, and it's a slow, wet thing for Brendon, because she's so obviously distracted by Spencer, who now has one hand fingering her clit while he continues to fuck her.
Brendon says, "fuck, can't you--" frustrated, and Spencer stops where he is, "What, is this not working for you? Maybe, yeah, maybe I should fuck you, is that what should happen?" He says to Haley, "What do you think, should I fuck him? That would be educational, right?" and she was really close, she looks really indecisive for a moment, and then Spencer says, "You can sit on his face and he'll finish you off, how about that," and she says, "Yeah, let's--let's do that."
Brendon says, "What--" as Spencer slides out and Haley scoots up, pushing and pulling him until he's on his back, knees up. Spencer comes back with the lube and a new condom on, and slicks up two of his fingers, first. "Is this going to work for you?" he asks Brendon, demanding and bossy and low and growly, rubbing his fingers in a circle around Brendon's hole. Brendon's frowning, put-out, and says, "I don't know, this just isn't my kind of--" and then Spencer pushes his fingers in, slowly, so slowly, and Brendon cuts off, because wow, that's--different. His cock definitely likes it. Haley sits by his head and pets his hair and then pulls one of his hands up to her crotch while Spencer pushes his fingers in and out, slowly. "Relax," Spencer says, and then pushes another finger in.
Brendon is distracted momentarily when Haley has his hand in her cunt and he moves and flexes his fingers, looking over and exploring, and then Spencer grabs his hips with both hands and pushes in and Brendon gasps, focused again on his ass and the way Spencer looks, holding himself back.
Spencer gives him a few slow thrusts just to warm up, pushing down further into him each time, shifting forward and changing until, "Oh holy fuck," Brendon says, his eyes rolling up involuntarily, gasping and panting as Spencer grins down at him, hitting that spot again and again. "Hey," Spencer says, "pay attention to your homework," and Brendon nods wildly. He props himself up a little on his elbows, Haley crouching over his head, straddling his face and bracing herself on the headboard as he licks back inside of her, holding onto her partly to keep her in one place and partly to keep himself braced against Spencer, who keeps pushing steadily in and out and harder and harder each time, it feels like, his hands gripping so tightly onto Brendon that he's sure he'll have bruises, and his body slowly curving more and more.
Haley gasps above him; the angle is admittedly fucking bizarre but she's started pulling his hair again, pulling him into the right place and somehow shifting her hips so she's moving against his mouth in a way that seems to really be doing it for her, and really, Brendon has the easiest fucking job, just, fuck, getting fucked at both ends like this, he'd never dreamed it could be such fucking heaven, jesus, oh fuck.
Haley gasps louder and louder, and then freezes and shudders at the same time, and Brendon feels his face getting soaked again. She's still gasping and twitching when Spencer nudges her with his head and she stops straddling Brendon and sits to the side, and then somehow, some-fucking-how, Spencer manages to fuck Brendon even harder, bending him practically in half, licking Brendon's face and smelling him, saying, "You fucking dirty slut," like it's the best fucking surprise, and sucking hard onto Brendon's neck. Brendon comes in about three seconds when Haley gets her hand between them, pulling on his dick, his come splattering in jolts on Spencer and himself and her hand, which she has him lick off.
They cut where Spencer pulls out and pulls the condom off, tossing it aside, but it's only a second, really, before the cameras roll again and he jerks himself off over Brendon's still-heaving chest. Brendon smears one hand through it, half-heartedly, and looks between Haley and Spencer. "So, uh," he says, still sounding breathless and wasted, "I have a biology test coming up in two weeks. Can you guys help me study?"
edit: this is also on ao3, here.
we also talk about our Perfect Celebrity Sex tapes, which somehow became this conversation:
[00:01] elfie: which is maybe part of the reason i keep hoping someone else will write the "they all do amateur porn" au with like, actual porny-pornness. ryan ross does rough-sex! (which is SUPER AMAZING AND OFFPUTTING) spencer masturbation porn! jon sexes up a lady in a weird camera angle (they both are wearing funny costumes)! brendon gives blowjobs and masturbates and--okay, i would really watch any brendon porn video
[00:01] elfie: i feel very strongly that brendon would make some hot porn videos
[00:01] elfie: superhot
[00:02] elfie: like, okay, spencer smith, i find him ridiculously attractive, and in the canon of my heart (and in the tinhat of my head, in REALITY TOO, OKAY) he is amazing in bed
[00:02] laura: because HE is quite superhot.
[00:02] laura: HE HIS AMAZING IN BED, OKAY
[00:02] laura: TOTALLY
[00:02] elfie: but i BELIEVE that brendon would be able to play the role, okay
[00:02] elfie: like
[00:02] elfie: he would sell it to me
[00:02] laura: SPENCERSMITHINBEDOHMYGOD.
[00:02] elfie: spencer smith may never have to fake it
[00:02] elfie: but you would never know that brendon was faking it in the first place
[00:02] elfie: that kind of thing.
[00:03] elfie: so ideally their porn videos would be together, possibly starting and ending with one or several ladies.
[00:03] elfie: like, maybe it can go: brendon eats out a lady, a lot; the lady blows brendon; spencer fucks the lady and then fucks brendon while he eats the lady out?
[00:03] laura: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[00:04] laura: MORE DETAILS OF THAT, PLZ.
Brendon actually gets more into it than he's supposed to, because Haley can really take pretty much anything (she says that, "I can take pretty much anything," grinning, sort of embarrassed but sort of not) and instead of doing that weird angle so the camera can see, he ends up getting his face down there and going all out. She makes these little noises, like she can't control herself, and pulls his hair and then pulls her own and trembles and yells when she comes.
Spencer is scripted to enter the scene when Brendon sits up in between Haley's legs. (The scene started with Brendon saying he needed to study biology, get his grades up, and Haley said, "I took that class, I can tutor you." Brendon, with a truly amazing eyebrow-wiggle, said, "I'm having trouble with female anatomy," and Haley giggled and pretended to blush when he convinced her to take off her shirt and shimmy out of her shorts and panties.)
So when Haley starts calming down, there's a knock on the door. Before either of them can say anything, it opens and of course it's Spencer, in a tight t-shirt and just-as-tight jeans. He says, "What the fuck is going on here," full on bitch-voice, authentic.
Haley says, "It's not what it looks like!" but she's still shuddering, naked, on the bed and Brendon had taken off his shirt as part of his convincing of her, and his face is all shiny. Brendon says, "We were studying anatomy."
Spencer comes over and grabs Brendon by the back of his head (he's still between her legs, even), and he licks a stripe up Brendon's face, and Brendon closes his eyes, moaning, and Spencer licks into his mouth, still holding onto his hair. Brendon's balanced precariously between Haley's legs, his hands on either of her thighs, holding himself upright. Spencer definitely believes in a theory of "dominance through my mouth", and when he pulls back, Brendon's eyes are glazed.
Spencer looks at Haley, and looks back at Brendon. "It's only fair that you help her study, too," he says, and Brendon has literally forgotten what's next in the script, but that's okay because Haley is shifting and Spencer says, "Take off your pants so she can suck you off."
(They cut the bit where Brendon has trouble getting his buckle undone and Haley and Spencer laugh at him and undo Brendon's belt for him; and the bit right after that where Brendon rubs at his eyes, grinning, "Haley, you come like a motherfucker.")
Brendon stands on the bed, Spencer standing next to him on the floor; Brendon holds onto Spencer's shoulder for balance while Haley, on her knees, starts sucking him off, tentatively at first. "I've never done this before," she says, following the script and smiling faux-shyly at him, but soon she's getting really into it, sucking and licking and using her hands to stroke his dick and play with his balls. Brendon keeps saying, "Oh fuck, oh fuck," until Haley pulls back just a little and Spencer slaps Brendon's ass and Brendon says, "Oh FUCK, what--" The bed dips as Spencer gets up behind him, still fully dressed, and starts licking along Brendon's crack, holding him open with both his hands, Haley still in front of him.
"Oh fuck oh fuck, motherfucker, fuck fuck fuck," Brendon says, finally stopping only because he has to just open his mouth and moan, like that will make him come faster or harder, having his mouth open, but somehow it seems to work that way because then he's coming, half in Haley's mouth and half along her face and neck. She strokes him through it, Spencer holding him up by his hips and then pushing him down until Brendon's on his knees, too, and then Spencer pushes Brendon's shoulders down, too, sort of sideways between him and Haley, and he leans over Brendon's body to lick Haley clean and kiss her, the way he did with Brendon, before.
Spencer and Haley get into it: he snakes one hand over Brendon's body and rubs a path down her body while they kiss, starting with her collarbone, detouring at her breasts, and ending in her crotch, his fingers long and just barely pressing against her. He says against her mouth, "You're still wet," his eyes half-lidded, and she just nods, mouth still open, looking well-fucked and still wanting.
They cut the bit where Spencer gets undressed, because he's never quite managed the intentionally-sexy striptease (though even his efficiency has its own kind of sexiness to it), and where Brendon asks for, "Water, please, goddammit. Oh my god, I am keeping you guys. forever." "You fucking diva," Spencer says, pushing off his jeans and folding them--folding them! Haley giggles--and then catching the lube and condoms that a PA tosses him.
Haley and Brendon both have a bottle of water, watching Spencer stroke and pull himself a few times and slide the condom down. "What," Spencer says, looking from Haley to Brendon and then back again, "Am I the only one getting paid to fuck, here, or what?" They both make faces, amused, and get into position, Haley up on her knees by the headboard, Brendon kneeling next to her, palming himself almost absent-mindedly, and Spencer close behind her. He slides in when the director yells, "Action!", and she is still totally wet from before, wet and ready, so when Spencer starts up slow, she says, "You can--you can go harder than that," and the cameras zoom in on her face, her mouth opening as Spencer holds her hips and does it, half-smiling in concentration.
Brendon zones out for a moment, watching her breasts bouncing, stroking himself idly and then slowly with more intent, Haley gasping and gasping in front of him, going, "Oh, oh, oh," and closing her eyes and making the most amazing faces. "You're supposed to be studying this," Spencer says, and his voice is lower, growly, not really paying as much attention. Brendon says, "I can't fucking see, can I?" so Spencer slaps Haley's ass and stops thrusting so he can lift one of her legs; she turns easily and ends up on her side, on the pillows, one of her legs over Spencer's shoulder as he slams in and out, and Brendon's right where he's supposed to be, so after a moment she leans in and starts sucking his dick again, eyes closed, and it's a slow, wet thing for Brendon, because she's so obviously distracted by Spencer, who now has one hand fingering her clit while he continues to fuck her.
Brendon says, "fuck, can't you--" frustrated, and Spencer stops where he is, "What, is this not working for you? Maybe, yeah, maybe I should fuck you, is that what should happen?" He says to Haley, "What do you think, should I fuck him? That would be educational, right?" and she was really close, she looks really indecisive for a moment, and then Spencer says, "You can sit on his face and he'll finish you off, how about that," and she says, "Yeah, let's--let's do that."
Brendon says, "What--" as Spencer slides out and Haley scoots up, pushing and pulling him until he's on his back, knees up. Spencer comes back with the lube and a new condom on, and slicks up two of his fingers, first. "Is this going to work for you?" he asks Brendon, demanding and bossy and low and growly, rubbing his fingers in a circle around Brendon's hole. Brendon's frowning, put-out, and says, "I don't know, this just isn't my kind of--" and then Spencer pushes his fingers in, slowly, so slowly, and Brendon cuts off, because wow, that's--different. His cock definitely likes it. Haley sits by his head and pets his hair and then pulls one of his hands up to her crotch while Spencer pushes his fingers in and out, slowly. "Relax," Spencer says, and then pushes another finger in.
Brendon is distracted momentarily when Haley has his hand in her cunt and he moves and flexes his fingers, looking over and exploring, and then Spencer grabs his hips with both hands and pushes in and Brendon gasps, focused again on his ass and the way Spencer looks, holding himself back.
Spencer gives him a few slow thrusts just to warm up, pushing down further into him each time, shifting forward and changing until, "Oh holy fuck," Brendon says, his eyes rolling up involuntarily, gasping and panting as Spencer grins down at him, hitting that spot again and again. "Hey," Spencer says, "pay attention to your homework," and Brendon nods wildly. He props himself up a little on his elbows, Haley crouching over his head, straddling his face and bracing herself on the headboard as he licks back inside of her, holding onto her partly to keep her in one place and partly to keep himself braced against Spencer, who keeps pushing steadily in and out and harder and harder each time, it feels like, his hands gripping so tightly onto Brendon that he's sure he'll have bruises, and his body slowly curving more and more.
Haley gasps above him; the angle is admittedly fucking bizarre but she's started pulling his hair again, pulling him into the right place and somehow shifting her hips so she's moving against his mouth in a way that seems to really be doing it for her, and really, Brendon has the easiest fucking job, just, fuck, getting fucked at both ends like this, he'd never dreamed it could be such fucking heaven, jesus, oh fuck.
Haley gasps louder and louder, and then freezes and shudders at the same time, and Brendon feels his face getting soaked again. She's still gasping and twitching when Spencer nudges her with his head and she stops straddling Brendon and sits to the side, and then somehow, some-fucking-how, Spencer manages to fuck Brendon even harder, bending him practically in half, licking Brendon's face and smelling him, saying, "You fucking dirty slut," like it's the best fucking surprise, and sucking hard onto Brendon's neck. Brendon comes in about three seconds when Haley gets her hand between them, pulling on his dick, his come splattering in jolts on Spencer and himself and her hand, which she has him lick off.
They cut where Spencer pulls out and pulls the condom off, tossing it aside, but it's only a second, really, before the cameras roll again and he jerks himself off over Brendon's still-heaving chest. Brendon smears one hand through it, half-heartedly, and looks between Haley and Spencer. "So, uh," he says, still sounding breathless and wasted, "I have a biology test coming up in two weeks. Can you guys help me study?"
edit: this is also on ao3, here.